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Original poster

Acquaintance not paying her share - how to raise this?

308 replies

lanouvelleheloise · 23/06/2017 12:06

I have two friends, A and B. Both have good jobs and partners with good jobs, probably household incomes of something between £70k and £100k.

However, they manage money differently. A is in a situation where she is well-off due to her partner's wealth (lavish house with no mortgage, several hundred thousand savings); B's circumstances aren't so fortunate, and are compounded by the fact she is constantly spending money, running up debts etc. (I don't know her that well, but I suspect there may be MH issues at work here).

A has constantly paid for meals out for B, at the most expensive places, where B does things like order £200 bottles of champagne. Sometimes, A has offered to pay for both in advance, but even when this was not agreed, B has 'forgotten' her wallet, vanished to the loos, or just refused to pay up. B generally feels that A just has more money and should pay for her as a friend. A is getting upset by this, but hasn't raised it with B. A complicating factor is that A tends to rely on B heavily for emotional support, and I think at some level B may feel the lavish food is a (rather generous) recompense for that.

I am C, and I am now in charge of arranging a celebratory event for A, at a restaurant, to which B is invited (there are only 5 guests in total). This is a day that is all about A, and she has made it clear to me that she will be very upset if B tries to duck out of paying - it's become symbolic. Practically, I'm concerned about this too - I can't afford to pay B's share myself. I know I need to say something in advance and am fully prepared to do so, but I'm not sure exactly what to say/how to handle this. As I said, I don't know her all that well, so can't just raise it bluntly as I would with a good friend. I'm aware she has some shit stuff happening in her life with family illness and job stress and don't want to sound accusatory.

I know someone on Mumsnet will have the perfect solution! Please help.

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 23/06/2017 20:48

the op suggested subbing A:

I suggested via a message that B and I should pay for A's dinner and B replied 'She has more money than us, we don't pay for her'.

LiveLongAndProspero · 23/06/2017 20:51

Yes but half of the pp have suggested that D and E should pay a share for A (as well as pay in advance/pay deposits/pay into a large kitty) and nobody appears to have considered D and E's feelings whatsoever.

Shamoo · 23/06/2017 21:30

I had a friend who was somewhat like this with me (as in I was A) although not to this extent. I had more money and she gave me emotional support, and therefore I often ended up paying for things and it was expected I would. In the end, I just stopped paying because it got to me so much. I managed the situation so it couldn't happen anymore (e.g. Just wouldn't go to the bar, would only take the right amount of cash with me). However I also acknowledge that I enabled it, and it's completely unfair of A to expect you to manage this situation - one that she has created and can't bring herself to resolve.

I suspect if you take charge of the bill, she will pay her share. People who take advantage of one specific person often don't want others to realise. So if you say directly to her, your share of the bill is X, she would have to be very brave to say A will pay it. Especially if you message in advance to make it clear the bill will be split evenly.

If she is cheeky enough to not pay, frankly, it's A's problem. If she says she has no money, ask how she is going to pay and make it clear you won't pay. A has enabled this mess and if that ruins her night that's her fault, not yours, and she needs to revisit the friendship with b.

InLovewithaGermanFilmStar · 23/06/2017 22:14

I'm feeling quite sorry for A here. Pps suggest that she's caused the situation, but equally, she might just be a kind, decent person who realises how wealthy and privileged she is, and has been emotionally blackmailed into subbing B. A might be a generous person who realises her good fortune and feels she must share it.

If B had any manners, she'd have balanced out the paying for, and offered to reseat A. B sounds most unpleasant and rather grasping and vulgar (you say B is "posh" but I'm posh and in my family such behaviour would be very much frowned upon).

If it's A's birthday, and a significant one at that, of course her friends will treat her. She shouldn't need to pay for anything. And I'm sure the other invitees (other than B) expect this. I'd be embarrassed if a friend had to pay for their birthday supper.

InLovewithaGermanFilmStar · 23/06/2017 22:15

Treat not reseat. Ffs iPhone autocorrect!

sadsquid · 23/06/2017 22:26

InLove, I think most people realise A has been paying B's way with the kindest of intentions. Regardless of that, though, it's still up to A to tell B she's no longer happy to do so. B sounds dreadful, but I don't think most dreadful people think of themselves that way! She's not going to spontaneously become self-aware and start behaving herself.

What A's doing here is delegating the difficult conversation she needs to have with B, by letting OP know how upset she'll be if B does it on OP's watch. So poor old OP is tying herself in knots trying to work out how to convey A's displeasure to B without letting on that they've been talking about B behind her back. That's a bit cowardly of A, to be honest.

SabineUndine · 23/06/2017 22:26

I would say you need a 50% deposit. If she doesn't cough up, she's uninvited.

Helloitsme88 · 23/06/2017 22:35

A's getting you to do her dirty work. Both sound as bonkers as the other

AyeAmarok · 23/06/2017 22:44

You need to make it clear, publicly, ie in the WhatsApp group.

sodablackcurrant · 23/06/2017 22:48

Has OP been back to give any response?

Otherwise we are on the magic roundabout here.

Siwdmae · 23/06/2017 22:51

You are joking aren't you after all the times A has paid for you? This is her special night and we need to make her feel special and cared for. She has been told to leave her purse at home. If you don't want to contribute to her birthday treat then I suggest you do something different with her separately. Do I need to book you a place at the restaurant or not?

Love this.

'The idea is to make her feel treated and special on this one night, especially since she's so often generous to her friends. However, if you don't want to do that I can't make you. Please bear in mind that A will not be treating anyone else on her night, though, so we will all be paying our own way.'

Also love this. Just text the others in advance to say it's not aimed at them.

YouCantArgueWithStupid · 23/06/2017 22:54

I've dealt with this before and this is what I did:

Told the whole group that this was the plan:

Place of celebration was so exclusive I needed £X to reserve each seat.

I didn't. Rest of group played along and I got £50 up front from them.

Also let the staff know you will be the only person ordering bottles for the table.

SweetLuck · 23/06/2017 23:24

This is a horrible situation. It will look weird to ask for a deposit for a normal restaurant meal, and it will look weird to insist on separate bills.

A will end up paying for B and blaming you for it.

Bizzysocks · 23/06/2017 23:24

I would get A to give you the money for her meal. then reply to B along the lines of yes A has more money but we shouldn't take advantage and it is her birthday so I will pay for As meal , I have told A to leave her purse at home and we will split the drinks bill between the rest of us.

Bizzysocks · 23/06/2017 23:31

live because B must have had £1000's spent on drinks for her by A. Ordering £200 bottles of champagne the cheeky cow can treat her friend for once. If she doesn't have much money she should buy drinks accordingly, even if A is paying and can afford it she should take the pics and order champagne.

She can always cancel if she is warned she will have to pay beforehand.

BadLad · 23/06/2017 23:37

Can you contact the restaurant beforehand and see if they'll do separate bills? If they will, then problem solved. I wouldn't tell B until time to pay, though - I'd just pay for mine, and walk out letting B deal with the fallout if she hasn't brought her purse, perhaps loudly letting the waiter know that the kitchen staff can expect help with the washing up.

If they won't do separate bills, then I'd ask everyone to chip in, say, seventy quid before anything was ordered. If B didn't cough up, I'd call the waiter and say "sorry, there's been a mistake, its a table for four, we need, not five" and tell them B wasn't with us.

This is hypothetical, because B is obviously a cunt, so I would never bother to socialise with her anyway.

Madwoman5 · 23/06/2017 23:55

'She has more money than us, we don't pay for her'.
Quickly check with the others that covering her meal is acceptable. If yes then "are you seriously suggesting she pays for her own birthday treat? If that is the case maybe you would prefer to give this one a miss and sort your own get together with her?"
If they say no....
"Just to make things fair, we will be paying for our own meals. Will this suit you better? I have checked and £x should cover it. They take cash or card"
If she does her usual and A ends up paying for her, that is for A to resolve and she is a fool.
If she gets up and leaves before the bills come say loudly, "you are going to settle up before you go aren't you?" If she ignores you then let her know you will be giving her name and address to the restaurant to recover the payment direct.
She is a freeloading, entitled mare and needs to learn some manners.
If she expects lavish meals and drink in exchange for emotional support then she is NOT the friend A thinks she is.
If she can't afford to dine at expensive restaurants she should say so.

magoria · 24/06/2017 00:14

You need to be blunt and get this sorted before the meal.

Does anyone really think the restaurant is going to be happy just to take her details from OP and let them go if it isn't paid?

Of course not, they are going to threaten the police and will hold the rest of the group responsible.

You need to ask her is she willing to pay her share or would she rather not come as A is not paying for anyone.

Alwaysthesamestory · 24/06/2017 07:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Charlie97 · 24/06/2017 07:33

I suggest you don't invite B.

Sorry, £200 champagne ordered for someone else to pay for? She's no friend at all!

I would not want the responsibility or liability of this person!

Charlie97 · 24/06/2017 07:43

Actually, I RTFT and A is no friend of yours either! I e created a monster of B, you sort it out

She's being a bitch putting pressure on you to sort HER friend out.

I would not be attending.

Sitting there worrying over B not paying, spoiling your night.

No, sorry let A and B sort their own issues out.

So if B doesn't pay, you've failed to make A happy on her "special" day? If she does pay A still won't be happy as it'll be "she never does that for me". No win situation, duck out and let them sort their own toxic relationship out!

LittleWitch · 24/06/2017 07:56

B has made her position clear, she has said she won't pay for A and it's likely she won't pay fir herself so just don't invite her and tell A that's what you've done. If A insists that B is invited, then she must accept the risk that situation normal will prevail and she will end up paying for B.

dinosaurcookie · 24/06/2017 08:14

Tell A to just bring cash...she cannot pay for B if she has no access to additional funds.

rumbelina · 24/06/2017 08:19

Yes! What dinosaur cookie said ^^

Mummmy2017 · 24/06/2017 08:22

Send out a joint email to everyone,

Hi just to remind you of the times for our big night out.

Meet..
Eat..

And dont' forget your wallets ladies, as doing the washing up is not on the cards tonight.....