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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Acquaintance not paying her share - how to raise this?

308 replies

lanouvelleheloise · 23/06/2017 12:06

I have two friends, A and B. Both have good jobs and partners with good jobs, probably household incomes of something between £70k and £100k.

However, they manage money differently. A is in a situation where she is well-off due to her partner's wealth (lavish house with no mortgage, several hundred thousand savings); B's circumstances aren't so fortunate, and are compounded by the fact she is constantly spending money, running up debts etc. (I don't know her that well, but I suspect there may be MH issues at work here).

A has constantly paid for meals out for B, at the most expensive places, where B does things like order £200 bottles of champagne. Sometimes, A has offered to pay for both in advance, but even when this was not agreed, B has 'forgotten' her wallet, vanished to the loos, or just refused to pay up. B generally feels that A just has more money and should pay for her as a friend. A is getting upset by this, but hasn't raised it with B. A complicating factor is that A tends to rely on B heavily for emotional support, and I think at some level B may feel the lavish food is a (rather generous) recompense for that.

I am C, and I am now in charge of arranging a celebratory event for A, at a restaurant, to which B is invited (there are only 5 guests in total). This is a day that is all about A, and she has made it clear to me that she will be very upset if B tries to duck out of paying - it's become symbolic. Practically, I'm concerned about this too - I can't afford to pay B's share myself. I know I need to say something in advance and am fully prepared to do so, but I'm not sure exactly what to say/how to handle this. As I said, I don't know her all that well, so can't just raise it bluntly as I would with a good friend. I'm aware she has some shit stuff happening in her life with family illness and job stress and don't want to sound accusatory.

I know someone on Mumsnet will have the perfect solution! Please help.

OP posts:
ShiftyLookingBadger · 24/06/2017 08:30

“I suggested via a message that B and I should pay for A's dinner and B replied 'She has more money than us, we don't pay for her'.”

Shock Shit friend alert, what a terrible attitude. I couldn't imagine thinking this about my friends. I'd tell A she said that, it might be the kick up the arse she needs to ditch her.

rumbelina · 24/06/2017 08:32

Reply to B's text (about not paying for A) "Ok fair enough we all pay our own way"

ShesNoNormanPace · 24/06/2017 08:35

I wouldn't be giving A any present other than sorting this mess out for her!

I wouldn't bang on about splitting A's bill either - the most important outcome is that A doesn't pay for B (your gift to A). Imperial's message is a good one.

littletwofeet · 24/06/2017 08:56

I wouldn't get involved. It may be that A needs to be hurt by B not paying on her birthday to address the behaviour/end the friendship.
Even if you manage to get B to pay on this night, it won't solve anything, the not paying will just continue.

KungFuEric · 24/06/2017 09:03

I also think A has set you up to be the bad cop. If she is as emotionally reliant on B then I think this scenario could be turned on you being the big dreadful bad wolf and there will be quite a lot of resentment towards you from both women.

They both clearly have issues. It feels like a form of Wendying is about to take place.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 24/06/2017 09:41

A will end up paying for B and blaming you for it

This ^^

I can just imagine the "awww, what could I doooooo" and the eye signals to the rest of the group, implying tht OP is making a fuss about nothing Hmm

cremedelashite · 24/06/2017 09:49

I'd just what's app folk and say. It's a birthday treat, A is generous/ willing to pay for others and you and the other 3 want to treat her. If B isn't cool with that then you guys either have to pay for A between yous and B pays for herself. Disinviting her would mean you still have to split the treat money by one less person.

B's attitude is stinking. It's ok not to want to/ afford to treat someone. It's not ok to expect them to pay because they've got more money. If she forgets her purse then id do the bank transfer thing. This is a good way to set new boundaries with B.

AlternativeTentacle · 24/06/2017 09:53

I suggested via a message that B and I should pay for A's dinner and B replied 'She has more money than us, we don't pay for her'.

OP - you seem to have forgotten all about this pressing problem, but I don't understand.

You said the above but also This is a day that is all about A, and she has made it clear to me that she will be very upset if B tries to duck out of paying - it's become symbolic so A isn't expecting to not pay for hers at all...It is you that have decided that B is to pay for A along with you, and what about the other two?

Butterymuffin · 24/06/2017 10:07

You're going to end up being the bad guy here. I would get that over with early and reply to B's text with the 'right, I assume you're not coming then, see you another time instead' message. B will be cross but at least then you avoid an otherwise inevitable awkward scene at the restaurant that will spoil everyone's evening.

It might also make B realise that her supply of free fancy meals is under threat, and A realise that there are consequences to getting others to do your dirty work, ie it won't be done exactly as you would wish it (with B there and paying up, or with A herself saving the day, which might be what she subconsciously wants to happen)

Want2beme · 24/06/2017 10:08

You shouldn't be expected to solve this issue between A&B just because you've got the task of arranging one night out. Tell A that you're getting no where with B, therefore, the problem'll still have to be resolved between them and its not down you to sort it.

CrossWordSalad · 24/06/2017 10:13

I'd have a quiet night in instead.

Softkitty2 · 24/06/2017 10:16

How about telling her she is not entitled to friend As money not should she feel her share has to be paid for.

Tell her straight she is embarassing and a shit friend

Softkitty2 · 24/06/2017 10:21

Agree with pp.. Take charge of the bill and directly ask her for her share.. She will need to be brave to say A is paying, if she does, ask A to say beforehand she doesnt have her purse and you are treating A..

If she says she doesnt have her wallet do not budge and say she needs to transfer some funda to you or make other arrangements to pay.

Donttouchthethings · 24/06/2017 10:40

If it's definite that you're all paying for A, I think I would reply to B's message saying something like:

"Oh dear, think we might have some crossed wires going on. I know A is normally really generous but this particular evening is being planned in order to celebrate A who will be our guest. We will all be splitting the bill between us and A won't be paying for anything - it's our treat! Of course, I will understand if you can't afford to come this time. Can you let me know by XXX so I can finalise the booking? Thanks!"

AlternativeTentacle · 24/06/2017 10:43

If it's definite that you're all paying for A

They aren't - A just said B had to bring her money and that she [A] didn't want to pay for B - the OP is suggesting that her [OP] and B pay for A, not all of them.

AlternativeTentacle · 24/06/2017 10:45

Take charge of the bill and directly ask her for her share.. She will need to be brave to say A is paying, if she does, ask A to say beforehand she doesnt have her purse and you are treating A..

Again, the issue of A not paying is something that the OP has decided...it doesn't say that A is not expecting to pay just that A is not expecting to pay for B. Which basically she can do by, not paying for B.

Donttouchthethings · 24/06/2017 10:46

Jta, I would also follow up with a nice group message so everyone knows that everyone knows. Maybe also suggest a set menu so you all have an idea what you might have to pay, so it's super clear. You can say on there that you're just waiting for B to confirm so that you can finalise the booking.

Donttouchthethings · 24/06/2017 10:52

I don't really understand the thinking here. Surely everyone pays towards A's bill or everyone just pays for themselves?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 24/06/2017 12:11

Why is anyone assuming that "B" would take any notice of a message effectively saying "don't come then"? Firstly, I'm pretty sure OP said she wasn't the one who invited B, so why should she take any notice? And secondly, people like this don't usually surrender their chances of a free meal willingly, so she'll probably just rock up no matter what anyone says

And thirdly, where did op go?? Confused

RibenaMonsoon · 24/06/2017 12:49

I'm sure that if B was told that A wouldn't be bringing any money as everyone else is paying she may think twice. As she will know that A don't be financing her this time. Even if B doesn't want to contribute, it would still be on the understanding that everyone else will be. The only concern is of she decides that because of this, everyone can chip in for her as well.

Oh dear it's just so unpredictable. I really hope it goes well.

Aeroflotgirl · 24/06/2017 12:59

B is a user, and none of those e mails or messages stipulating the price, and everyone paytheir way is going to make any difference to someone like B. She will still forget her purse or have no miney. Best not to invite her asahe with ruin the day and be absolutely frank with her incase she asks

Lolabee · 24/06/2017 13:04

Just to add a restaurant point of view.

B paying or not won't really matter to the restaurant and they will expect the bull covered regardless of B's behaviour on the night.

With regards to splitting the bill it's perfectly normal to have a "food bill" that is split at the end for equal costs (especially if restaurant has an EPOS system and separate drinks bills. BUT I would advise phoning them to let them know you would like these options so that they can prepare an experienced waiter/waitress. You can ask for a number system so 1 is food + As drinks and any MUTUALLY AGREED bottles of wine, then 2 would be B, 3 C, 4 D etc. Then people can order and say can I have vodka and tonic/coke or whatever on bill 3.

You still potentially risk B taking the poss with this system though

Personally and not thinking from a restaurant point of view I think B shouldn't come as I feel she will create issues on the night.

Lolabee · 24/06/2017 13:05

Jeez sorry about the spelling mistakes and grammar ones 😶

KungFuEric · 24/06/2017 13:17

'A' is clearly a coward who hasn't had the balls to raise this before, and somehow feels the need to buy friendship. She's chosen to use you as a scapegoat to imply something to B, but always has the fallback option of saying she has no idea why you've done this/why you are trying to create friction between their friendship. She will behave as a coward when B confronts her about your behaviour because that's who she is.

Aeroflotgirl · 24/06/2017 13:47

A should have stood up to B ages ago, and told her where to go. Whatever you say about everyone paying their way, splitting the bill, will go though B like water, and you will end up footing her share of the bill. You have already got good measure of what an entitled user she is. With that attitude I certainly would not invite her, and tell her straight, why!