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Original poster

Acquaintance not paying her share - how to raise this?

308 replies

lanouvelleheloise · 23/06/2017 12:06

I have two friends, A and B. Both have good jobs and partners with good jobs, probably household incomes of something between £70k and £100k.

However, they manage money differently. A is in a situation where she is well-off due to her partner's wealth (lavish house with no mortgage, several hundred thousand savings); B's circumstances aren't so fortunate, and are compounded by the fact she is constantly spending money, running up debts etc. (I don't know her that well, but I suspect there may be MH issues at work here).

A has constantly paid for meals out for B, at the most expensive places, where B does things like order £200 bottles of champagne. Sometimes, A has offered to pay for both in advance, but even when this was not agreed, B has 'forgotten' her wallet, vanished to the loos, or just refused to pay up. B generally feels that A just has more money and should pay for her as a friend. A is getting upset by this, but hasn't raised it with B. A complicating factor is that A tends to rely on B heavily for emotional support, and I think at some level B may feel the lavish food is a (rather generous) recompense for that.

I am C, and I am now in charge of arranging a celebratory event for A, at a restaurant, to which B is invited (there are only 5 guests in total). This is a day that is all about A, and she has made it clear to me that she will be very upset if B tries to duck out of paying - it's become symbolic. Practically, I'm concerned about this too - I can't afford to pay B's share myself. I know I need to say something in advance and am fully prepared to do so, but I'm not sure exactly what to say/how to handle this. As I said, I don't know her all that well, so can't just raise it bluntly as I would with a good friend. I'm aware she has some shit stuff happening in her life with family illness and job stress and don't want to sound accusatory.

I know someone on Mumsnet will have the perfect solution! Please help.

OP posts:
Loreleigh · 25/06/2017 00:29

You are probably better off following suggestions others here have made that are polite but firm and to the point. Personally I'd either not invite her, to anything as I wouldn't want a 'friend' like this, or would say something along the lines of....girl 'A' shouldn't have to pay for her celebration so costs will be split equally, with the group covering 'A' - no cheapskates, piss-takers or freeloaders welcome, and if too tight to pay your own share and % share of 'A's don't bother turning up - if you forget your purse and/or valid credit card you can fuck off home and get it - don't embarrass yourself or the rest of us!

dustarr73 · 25/06/2017 00:37

Is it just me that gets pissed off with people starting threads then not returning.

Im the one that first suggested 5 separate bills but at this stage im giving up the will too live,

FirstTimeMum07 · 25/06/2017 01:20

I hope B likes washing up, if she cant/won't pay

Let us know what happens on the night

Alwaysthesamestory · 25/06/2017 07:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Isetan · 25/06/2017 08:08

This is not your problem and you need to push back. Essentially A has made a rod for her own back by not nipping this in the bud (there are always at least two roles in a relationship dynamic) and now she is trying (cheeky mare) to outsource the problem to you.

Simply say to A, if B is to be on the guest list then she must accept that given the history between them, she has to cover B's share if she skips out on the bill. Under no circumstances are you or the other guests going to cover B's share and if A makes a fuss, then she can find someone else to organise the event.

Don't get sucked into the odd dynamic between A and B, it's for them to sort out.

pollymere · 25/06/2017 09:02

Do what we do for work, ask for x amount in advance from everyone. For us, any surplus just about covers the tip and we all chip in if it's more. We also have any drinks on individual bills, not a group one so if B failed to pay she'd be doing the washing up!

Mollymutkin · 25/06/2017 11:49

I think just email the others and B the details and that you and B are paying A's bill and why. Then separately email/tell A you and B have her covered so she doesn't need to bring her wallet. EVERYONE knows the score. If B messes about on the evening with ordering expensive champagne and not having enough money, etc EVEYONE will see B for what she is. I know you want A to have a special evening but unless she tackles her issue with B herself these awkward situations are just going to continue.

CoraPirbright · 25/06/2017 17:00

B is both quite a lot posher than me, however, so perhaps it is different in her world?

Nope. I have friends who run the full gamut from v posh to not, scraping pennies to super-rich and in no environment would this behaviour be seen as ok. B sounds utterly ghastly.

Original poster
lanouvelleheloise · 26/06/2017 11:27

Hi all! Apologies for my hiatus from Mumsnet - I have had an extremely busy weekend and honestly have not had a moment to catch up. Many thanks to all those who have offered advice, it is greatly appreciated.

The situation, as with all messy realities, is quite complex - I feel that perhaps I've been unjust to B in what I have said. As I tried to explain in my additions, B offers a fair bit of fairly one-way support to for A, who is quite emotionally needy. B does this in spite of having quite a few much more serious problems herself (I suspect she may also have some MH issues, but this is conjecture). The problem is, I fear that B sees this as a kind of emotional/financial exchange, whereas A doesn't.

The behaviour has crossed a line financially for A now, to the point that it's jeopardizing the relationship. I totally agree with A that she is not obliged to pay for B at the level of high-end consumption that's been happening and I think it's understandable that she's upset.

One thing I'm taking forward from this thread is the idea that I don't have to sort the whole thing out, I just need to get one bill divided properly on one evening. It's not my job to sort out their relationship - I just have to make sure this particular bill is split the right number of ways on this particular night!

After some uming and ahing, I decided to sit down and figure out in detail the costs of the evening so I could arrange a kitty. It took a while but I finally got there and have been able to suggest a figure. So far everyone has agreed to contribute, including B, though no-one has yet paid. So far so good, fingers crossed it will work.

Not attending or doing something different another night or not inviting B are not really an option! Smile

OP posts:
Trollspoopglitter · 26/06/2017 11:45

Ok, I'm switching to TEAM B. A sounds like a needy emotional vampire from your update OP. Expecting constant emotional support and not giving nearly the same in return (despite knowing the other person has even bigger problems to deal with in her life) makes A an exceptionally shite friend to B. Basically, she thinks B's time is worth less than a fancy meal.

Original poster
lanouvelleheloise · 26/06/2017 11:50

I really, honestly don't want to judge either of them. I think it's a real shame the situation between them has gotten to this point, but it's not my business to set it right. I would dearly love B just to pony up this time, because I think their relationship would go forwards much, much stronger if she did, and that would ultimately be good for both of them.

OP posts:
pottered · 26/06/2017 11:57

seems sensible to me, I wouldn't go further than that either, not your circus! You'll probably just get shot as the messenger otherwise!

Mollymutkin · 26/06/2017 13:54

Ian..., pleas let us know the outcome after the event. Good Luck.SmileWine

CactusBridget · 26/06/2017 14:05

B is a bugger! Suggest A pays for professional emotional support rather than getting milked by B in this way. It's dreadful you're in charge of sorting this meal as B is obviously not going to shtoomp up.

emmyrose2000 · 26/06/2017 14:15

I wouldn't even attempt to get involved in A and B's relationship. It sounds like a very unhealthy dynamic; almost codependent. Regardless of anything else, I do think B is a user and someone to avoid where financial transactions are concerned.

The only thing I would concern myself with is if/when B does her usual trick of getting out of paying the bill, as she may be looking to OP and/or the other guests to pay. To this end, I'd ask for a separate bill (and try and arrange for D and E to have separate bills as well).

If A&B want to play their little game then leave them to it. A has no right to try and get you to sort B out, and B has no right to try and get you to pay. Leave them to their own dysfunction.

SweetLuck · 26/06/2017 23:28

When is the event?

Underparmummy · 27/06/2017 11:27

Yes, A would be better off paying a therapist rather than funding B's greediness!!

Isetan · 27/06/2017 15:25

Not attending or doing something different another night or not inviting B are not really an option!

They are options,your just choosing to discount them.

What's interesting here is that A and B sound quite similar. The only reason A hasn't put a stop to B's behaviour is because she understands that it is the price she pays for B's support. She can of course refuse to play the game.

Each to their own but I wouldn't bend myself out of shape to accommodate someone else's messed up friendship dynamic.

boo2410 · 28/06/2017 19:15

I have just finished reading the thread and i'm loving the replies
I can't understand the dynamics between A and B so I think you are better off not getting involved in all that. Good idea to get money up front if you can to try and limit any damage B might cause. Hope you have a lovely evening, do come back and tell us how it went.

planetclom · 28/06/2017 20:20

I have just waxed through that and frankly I wouldn't get involved either, I would tell A sorry but I can't afford to pay her share of she doesn't cough up and I am getting stressed by this so either organise your own Birthday or I will not be able to come. Basically B is a tightfisted arsehole and A is a weak person who wants this sorted but doesn't want to do it herself so she is using you to do her dirty work

altiara · 28/06/2017 23:53

I'd be worried about splitting the bill as I'm imagining B going crazy with the champagne!

SteppingOnToes · 29/06/2017 00:09

I have an idea - could you suggest that the restaurant wants a £20 deposit for prebooked meals? A bit like at christmas do... If she pulls her nose up at that you know she has no intention of paying her share.

emmyrose2000 · 29/06/2017 02:44

I am C, and I am now in charge of arranging a celebratory event for A, at a restaurant

This is a day that is all about A, and she has made it clear to me that she will be very upset if B tries to duck out of paying

OP, maybe this has been mentioned, and I've missed it, but how did you end up being in charge of this party? Did A expressly ask you to organise a party for her? I think that's rude if so, especially as she wants you to deal with B.

If A has a problem with B she needs to grow up and deal with it herself, and not dump it in someone else's lap.

GoneDownhill · 29/06/2017 03:07

I'd phone the restaurant and ask them if they can bill separately but that you and the other nice guests will be splitting Bs bill. Then you can email everyone and tell them that is what is happening. You can put a spin on it if you wish and say that it will make paying the bill easier at the end of the meal.

However, I wouldn't have any problems being very straight with A - she is probably immune to being embarrassed etc so I wouldn't care if I had to be very direct. You can still be polite though.

GoneDownhill · 29/06/2017 03:08

Agh got
My A and B the wrong way around Blush

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