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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Acquaintance not paying her share - how to raise this?

308 replies

lanouvelleheloise · 23/06/2017 12:06

I have two friends, A and B. Both have good jobs and partners with good jobs, probably household incomes of something between £70k and £100k.

However, they manage money differently. A is in a situation where she is well-off due to her partner's wealth (lavish house with no mortgage, several hundred thousand savings); B's circumstances aren't so fortunate, and are compounded by the fact she is constantly spending money, running up debts etc. (I don't know her that well, but I suspect there may be MH issues at work here).

A has constantly paid for meals out for B, at the most expensive places, where B does things like order £200 bottles of champagne. Sometimes, A has offered to pay for both in advance, but even when this was not agreed, B has 'forgotten' her wallet, vanished to the loos, or just refused to pay up. B generally feels that A just has more money and should pay for her as a friend. A is getting upset by this, but hasn't raised it with B. A complicating factor is that A tends to rely on B heavily for emotional support, and I think at some level B may feel the lavish food is a (rather generous) recompense for that.

I am C, and I am now in charge of arranging a celebratory event for A, at a restaurant, to which B is invited (there are only 5 guests in total). This is a day that is all about A, and she has made it clear to me that she will be very upset if B tries to duck out of paying - it's become symbolic. Practically, I'm concerned about this too - I can't afford to pay B's share myself. I know I need to say something in advance and am fully prepared to do so, but I'm not sure exactly what to say/how to handle this. As I said, I don't know her all that well, so can't just raise it bluntly as I would with a good friend. I'm aware she has some shit stuff happening in her life with family illness and job stress and don't want to sound accusatory.

I know someone on Mumsnet will have the perfect solution! Please help.

OP posts:
GoneDownhill · 29/06/2017 03:11

Sorry I'd missed the updates. I agree that they both sound hard work. Why bother having friends like this 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'd give the whole thing a miss and save myself the bother.

scaryclown · 29/06/2017 04:37

Drama triangle.
B helps A, but not because of altruism or authority, it's a way for B to raise her status against A, who joins in by becoming financial rescuer for B, which causes resentment in B who doesn't really like the power shift exhibited by this, so attempts to regain power by becoming the 'victim' of As 'generosity' by feeling patronised by it, so switches it to 'helping' A to spend money/be generous to her.
There's complex one-up helping/victimhood as well as one-up helping/victim hood..
See en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle

Alwaysthesamestory · 30/06/2017 06:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bumblebee2302 · 05/07/2017 21:20

Any update??? Grin

FirstTimeMum07 · 05/07/2017 23:21

Ooh yea what happened?

boo2410 · 06/07/2017 00:56

Me too, what did happen? Did B cough up?

Hortonlovesahoo · 06/07/2017 06:32

I've been lurking on this thread too. Would love to know what happened

coconutpie · 16/07/2017 15:32

Totally overinvested in this thread - come on OP, what happened!

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