Acquaintance not paying her share - how to raise this?

[lanouvelleheloise]

I have two friends, A and B. Both have good jobs and partners with good jobs, probably household incomes of something between £70k and £100k.

However, they manage money differently. A is in a situation where she is well-off due to her partner's wealth (lavish house with no mortgage, several hundred thousand savings); B's circumstances aren't so fortunate, and are compounded by the fact she is constantly spending money, running up debts etc. (I don't know her that well, but I suspect there may be MH issues at work here).

A has constantly paid for meals out for B, at the most expensive places, where B does things like order £200 bottles of champagne. Sometimes, A has offered to pay for both in advance, but even when this was not agreed, B has 'forgotten' her wallet, vanished to the loos, or just refused to pay up. B generally feels that A just has more money and should pay for her as a friend. A is getting upset by this, but hasn't raised it with B. A complicating factor is that A tends to rely on B heavily for emotional support, and I think at some level B may feel the lavish food is a (rather generous) recompense for that.

I am C, and I am now in charge of arranging a celebratory event for A, at a restaurant, to which B is invited (there are only 5 guests in total). This is a day that is all about A, and she has made it clear to me that she will be very upset if B tries to duck out of paying - it's become symbolic. Practically, I'm concerned about this too - I can't afford to pay B's share myself. I know I need to say something in advance and am fully prepared to do so, but I'm not sure exactly what to say/how to handle this. As I said, I don't know her all that well, so can't just raise it bluntly as I would with a good friend. I'm aware she has some shit stuff happening in her life with family illness and job stress and don't want to sound accusatory.

I know someone on Mumsnet will have the perfect solution! Please help.

I think you're completely over thinking this. It's really not your problem. If B ends not paying and A gets really upset about it, it's not your fault.

Don't worry about offending the pisstaking friend... she doesn't deserve anything more than you politely but firmly checking she has funds before the party...

When she tries to wriggle out of paying take the rest of the group elsewhere whilst she sorts it out with the restaurant to save yourselves the embarrassment.

Be direct?
B - please don't forget your wallet or have no money to pay your own bill, I cannot afford yours and this day is about A, if you cannot afford it I understand and will make your excuses as to why you're not there .

If she's not your friend, I would just be blunt and tell her she has to pay.

Can someone point me in the direction of the thread about the xoffee shop?

Are you on the wrong thread @AllRoads

Gah- ignore! Head fuddled by pain meds! I've already accidentally posted a text meant for DH on one of the other threads!

Let's hope it was a 'can you pick up X from the shop' rather than a dirty one

They need to sort it out between them - I don't see what you can do without becoming a 3rd party mouthpiece for A. It sounds as though B has a bad attitude, and A needs to tell he that if she wants to go to cheaper places she only has to say.

B - please don't forget your wallet or have no money to pay your own bill, I cannot afford yours and this day is about A, if you cannot afford it I understand and will make your excuses as to why you're not there .

this
in reply to the last text you had from B about A paying for herself as she had money.
if she then weeps and wails or throws a strop or runs to A about what a meanie you are or is Offended with a capital O then
A: She doesn't come. Problem solved.
B: She moans to A who can then grow the balls to say just how much has been spent on her over the last year.
C: She becomes aware people think, not incorrectly, she is a freeloader.

Has OP returned yet to give his/her views?

If not, we are talking in circles.

Anyway if it were me as OP I would not have anything to do with it. In a nice courteous way of course, I would say to A, do it yourself, you know what B is like.

This could be a reverse though lol. Hi there B.

If after telling her what's expected B 'forgets' her wallet , she'll be washing up ......in my opinion!

Tell her in person, with a big smile, and by email, that you are sharing the bill equally. If she ducks this time then I would have to tell her that she is free loading and perhaps she had better stay home with a tin of baked beans in future. People like her do these things because they can - people let them do it. No moral compass.

Hard as it may be, I would say to B that you can only include her if she agrees to pay her own way on this occasion - if she insists that she won't pay then tell her that you're incredibly sorry but she cannot come. Said in an adult tone with no opportunity for her to bend the rules, she will have complete understanding of the boundaries surrounding this occasion and can make her decision accordingly. Good luck

I haven't read the whole thread, so apologies if this isn't relevant.

Set up an account for the night out, then a WhatsApp group. Say that an amount of XX needs to be paid by XX. Refer to the account and who has paid up to date in each post. Make it clear that A's meal will be paid by the rest of the group as a gift (I know B has already said no, but this may shame her).

You might find B pulls out of the event herself.

Hope the OP comes back.

But B hasn't said she won't pay, just she doesn't want to pay for A?

And honestly, if you have had an invite to a meal out somewhere, and thought yes that would be nice, i'll accept and then later you were told (oh and you have to pay 50% more as you are paying for A as well), then most people would be a bit hacked off they weren't given the full facts. For politeness, i'd probably say fine and then pull out for some other reason (unless it was always the standard in the group you went out with)

Make it clear that A's meal will be paid by the rest of the group as a gift

NOBODY HAS ASKED THE REST OF THE GROUP SO DON'T SPEND OTHER PEOPLES MONEY!

Apologies. The OP said that this had already been broached with B.

no need to shout

I've said the same thing ten times and people keep saying the same thing, hence the shouting.

I'm not sure if this has cross posted but perhaps say that it looks like the cheapest main is ££ and drinks are about ££. As it's A's Birthday we'll be splitting it between us so you'll need at least £££ for the restaurant. Here's the menu so that you can make sure you've got enough cash or card to put it on.
Or
You could say
Don't want A to pay for the evening so each of you needs to give me ££ prior to night. This is average main, drink plus A's share. I will pay to restaurant to stop A paying and then we'll split the extra difference in the night and just pay for what we have each eaten?

This is a day that is all about A, and she has made it clear to me that she will be very upset if B tries to duck out of paying - it's become symbolic

^^ So Her Highness A made it your responsibility to sort out her little issue with B. You seem rather anxious to placate her and avoid her getting upset-why?
I would not get involved. It's obvious that A doesnt have an issue with putting you in this awkward position and potentially pissing you off. She however does not want to lose B's support by pissing her off. A needs B but she doesnt seem to need you that much. Your role is to fight a battle which is not yours (and be made the bad guy when it all goes wrong).

Send out a polite whatsapp message to everyone outlining the plan but dont be passive agressive and dont get too involved. If at the restaurant B won't pay say sorry i can't cover your bill, you knew we'll be paying separately. Dont pay for her, end off. It's A's issue not yours.

B is a Queen Sponger, bin her. It's immaterial what people earn, you pay your way, unless they sincerely offer otherwise.

B knows EXACTLY what she is doing and she knows it's unreasonable, despite what she says. Her behaviour is indicative of a not very nice person - friends give support without "charging" for it, even in kind.

What does C do after all these arrangements if B goes to the loo as the bill comes through ... and never comes back? what does the restaurant do?

C, just say it's getting too complex with B involved and just do ACDE.

B sounds awfully rude and it's a bit annoying that A is forcing the issue indirectly when really she should have sorted it ages ago direct with A. I think if you are all sat round the table splitting the bill surely she'll pay? A will have to not offer though x