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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Acquaintance not paying her share - how to raise this?

308 replies

lanouvelleheloise · 23/06/2017 12:06

I have two friends, A and B. Both have good jobs and partners with good jobs, probably household incomes of something between £70k and £100k.

However, they manage money differently. A is in a situation where she is well-off due to her partner's wealth (lavish house with no mortgage, several hundred thousand savings); B's circumstances aren't so fortunate, and are compounded by the fact she is constantly spending money, running up debts etc. (I don't know her that well, but I suspect there may be MH issues at work here).

A has constantly paid for meals out for B, at the most expensive places, where B does things like order £200 bottles of champagne. Sometimes, A has offered to pay for both in advance, but even when this was not agreed, B has 'forgotten' her wallet, vanished to the loos, or just refused to pay up. B generally feels that A just has more money and should pay for her as a friend. A is getting upset by this, but hasn't raised it with B. A complicating factor is that A tends to rely on B heavily for emotional support, and I think at some level B may feel the lavish food is a (rather generous) recompense for that.

I am C, and I am now in charge of arranging a celebratory event for A, at a restaurant, to which B is invited (there are only 5 guests in total). This is a day that is all about A, and she has made it clear to me that she will be very upset if B tries to duck out of paying - it's become symbolic. Practically, I'm concerned about this too - I can't afford to pay B's share myself. I know I need to say something in advance and am fully prepared to do so, but I'm not sure exactly what to say/how to handle this. As I said, I don't know her all that well, so can't just raise it bluntly as I would with a good friend. I'm aware she has some shit stuff happening in her life with family illness and job stress and don't want to sound accusatory.

I know someone on Mumsnet will have the perfect solution! Please help.

OP posts:
Jux · 23/06/2017 15:59

Do all the people coming know that A always ends up pickig up the bill for B?

Set up a kitty, paid in advance, as suggested upthread.

At the end of the meal, make sure that one or of the others whisks A away, leaving B with you all with your eyes boring into her waiting for her to hand over her share. Once she has, with luck she'll be too embarrassed to risk doing it again.

ChrisPrattsFace · 23/06/2017 16:01

I haven't RTWT but what about a message sent out with the restaurants website etc and say ' here is the menu so you can get an idea of prices for your courses, should we all chip in to pay for A too?' type thing.

Eliza9917 · 23/06/2017 16:06

When is this meal? Is it tomorrow night? PLEASE update us on what happens!

Try something like the woman in the coffee shop did the other day, she let a freeloader order for himself and two kids then after he's done that he swanned off to the table (after spending £23) & expected her to pay. She didn't, only paid for her coffee so after a while the staff called him over to pay so he gave her a dirty look and walked out!

thingscanonlygetbetterrrr · 23/06/2017 16:12

I would leave B to make arrangements with the restaurant herself if she doesn't bring sufficient funds. No-one should bail her out or she won't ever change. Keep a detailed list of who orders what and the prices so she is responsible for the £200 champagne. Each drink their own wine, no sharing.

OrgyofSausages · 23/06/2017 16:13

You need a whatsApp group so that everyone else can see the messges flying back and forth (except A). Upload B's nasty 'she's got more money than us' message and then send a whatsApp message back which says something like:

"Thanks for your feedback B. Since the rest of us are happy to pay for A as a birthday treat, and you expect to be wined and dined for free, the rest of us had better discuss whether or not we want to pay for you as well as for A. What do you think, C and D? do you both want to pay for B as well as A? " Then sit back and watch the messages fly forth.

You need to really forcibly embarrass her and make her squirm. I would.

OrgyofSausages · 23/06/2017 16:15

She sounds utterly vile btw - massively entitled and miserly. She is using A as a cash cow and nothing more.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/06/2017 16:16

B is happy to be incredibly rude and upfront about it, I don't see why everyone else shouldn't be too.

She has more money than us, we don't pay for her.

"OK just don't 'forget' your wallet".

coconutpie · 23/06/2017 16:24

There are only 5 of you going so separate tabs are an option. Do the other 2 friends know that B is a scrounging, mean bitch? If they do, then you could give each of them a quick phonecall and say that B has form for refusing to pay on the night so you are going to tell the restaurant when you get there that there will be either separate bills or one bill for you 4 and a separate bill for B. You could also ask them for advice on the best way to handle the drinks - do you 4 order a bottle of wine / champagne and then tell B she must order her own separately? What if she just grabs your bottle and pours from that?

It might be better to just agree a game plan in advance with A and the other 2. Look at the menu and overestimate the cost per person. Look at the wine list and decide in advance what wine / champagne you will get and how many bottles. Then add a tip onto it. If main courses range from £15-30, assume the most expensive is ordered by each. Then add it all up, split the bill 4 ways and tell B that you need the money transferred to you upfront. You can tell the others that they can hand over their share on the night. Then you'll more than likely have more than needed for B and so you'll probably be refunding a little to her at the end of the night.

If she refuses, tell her that you're disappointed she feels that way and you'll let A know that she can no longer attend. I wouldn't let the selfish bitch attend without contributing towards A. Fuck that.

If she then turns up on the night, announce at the table to the waiter that you need I have separate tabs for each on the night. When it comes to paying for A's tab, you can say to B - are you seriously not going to contribute at all? If she refuses to pay for her bill whatsoever then she can sort it out with the restaurant.

Actually you could go a step further and ask the restaurant to charge for the food and drinks at the start of the night when you make your order. That way, B will not even have the opportunity to get the food and drinks and not pay. That might be the best option. If she refuses, then you can ask her to leave.

LiveLongAndProspero · 23/06/2017 16:28

Since the rest of us are happy to pay for A as a birthday treat

I may be a broken record but no one cares that you don;t know and shouldn't assume that the rest ARE happy to pay for A's birthday meal.

RibenaMonsoon · 23/06/2017 16:29

I've had experience with this type of 'friend'

You are going to have to put her in a scenario where there is no way out other than to pay for herself.

Letting her know in advance that you have all told A not to bring any money as everyone else wants to chip in for her. Explaining that because she's such a lovely and GENEROUS person and it's her night. Hopefully it will guilt B into paying for herself if she cares about A at all.

B can then choose to join or not.

After that I'm afraid that you have no control over whether B pays or not and that's something you need to make clear with A. To be honest it's A who should be dealing with her.

wibblywobblywoo · 23/06/2017 16:31

Well OP if you want to send an endless stream of passive aggressive texts or emails to B you've certainly got a wealth to choose from on here.

I stand by 'not your circus, not your monkeys'. This is A's problem not yours.

sodablackcurrant · 23/06/2017 16:39

I don't think OP has been back yet. Probably left the country at this stage and her mad friends.

rightwhine · 23/06/2017 16:45

'She has more money than us, we don't pay for her'

Text back

"You are joking aren't you after all the times A has paid for you? This is her special night and we need to make her feel special and cared for. She has been told to leave her purse at home. If you don't want to contribute to her birthday treat then I suggest you do something different with her separately. Do I need to book you a place at the restaurant or not?

pluck · 23/06/2017 16:49

This is not a suitable kind of "party" for the people involved. Why are you "responsible" for it, anyway? If you really are responsible, use your discretion.to hold a dinner party, BYOB. Costs controlled. Personal touch, blah, blah blah. If B is a guest in your home, she can't incur extra expenses, or be rude to you, her host.

Basically, you need some control/ discretion over the "celebration" or you're out. You refuse to organise otherwise.

DarthMaiden · 23/06/2017 16:53

I'm another one who'd simply organise the dinner, make the payment arrangements clear but tell A that you have no control over what her chosen guests do on the night.

A and B clearly have an odd dynamic to their friendship which is long standing and not something you should be expected to manage or resolve.

The only point I would intervene is if B starts ordering to excess expecting everyone in the group to subsidise her super lux tastes and telling her pointedly that if she orders £200 fizz she'll be paying for all of it personally and I'll be ordering and paying for my own wine.

If she tries to get out of paying then I'd simply pay my share and walk out and leave.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 23/06/2017 17:09

Very awkward!

I like the separate bills idea. I think the idea of paying for A has come from PPs, and it puts extra financial pressure on all the other guests, so not sure I agree with this.

Also agree with those comments that if A knows B struggles financially, then cheaper evenings out should be more of a regular thing. Perhaps not this event if it's special for some reason, but generally for meet ups, they could be taken down a notch or two.

Thesingingtoad · 23/06/2017 17:15

It's not going to be a relaxing and pleasant meal at the "Cochon d'or", if you are going to be worrying about if B will have a tantrum over paying or someone decides to try the "deluxe tasting menu" while others are sipping tap water and having a bread roll as a starter. You'll need a spreadsheet to work out who owes what.

Make your excuses and bow out of the meal.

MrsKoala · 23/06/2017 17:28

I wouldn't be touching this if I were you. I'd organise the meal, say nothing and when you get to the restaurant look round and say is everyone happy splitting the bill x way or shall I request separate bills?Shall we agree on a bottle of wine for the table? Who wants water/bread? etc just like I would if I was organising any other meal out. Then when the bill comes add 15% service, divide by all parties and say it's £70 each.

Then just sit back and see what she does. I'd tell a I was doing this and to just it her amount in and everyone look bewildered if b says she doesn't have any money. Don't try and offer any solutions.

StripeyCurtains · 23/06/2017 17:53

rightwhine Fri 23-Jun-17 16:45:02 has nailed it in this post.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 23/06/2017 18:12

Ian, really, this is a hard call. Whilst it is a privilege to organise your DFs celebration, 'A', really needs to own it. Ask her to call 'B', and advise, that she won't be paying for anyone, nor will she be subsidising them.
Job done.

sadsquid · 23/06/2017 18:48

'The idea is to make her feel treated and special on this one night, especially since she's so often generous to her friends. However, if you don't want to do that I can't make you. Please bear in mind that A will not be treating anyone else on her night, though, so we will all be paying our own way.'

If B's going to be blunt about not paying for A, so can you be. Don't pussyfoot around with special menus (!) or complex arrangements that are likely to go tits up. Just tell her. And that's all you can do. Ultimately A needs to buck up and deal with the problem herself.

SweatyMoistFlange · 23/06/2017 18:54

Yes absolutely text back what rightwhine said. B sounds a PITA and astoundingly rude..

NoodleNinja · 23/06/2017 19:51

Hi, A's birthday dinner is at X place etc, just want to reiterate that A is NOT paying for her meal nor anyone else's that evening as she is always more than kind and as it is her birthday I feel we should treat her. Please ensure you have enough with you to cover your meal and drinks and part of A's as A will not have her purse with her that evening and I will not be covering anyone else's share. If you don't think you are able to do this then I'm sure A will understand why you can't attend. Looking forward to seeing you there x

NoodleNinja · 23/06/2017 19:54

But also, A really needs to address this with B. It isn't your job to bring it up with B but you are now having to because A has let it go on too long. And you will most likely be seen as the bitch for mentioning it when B sees that A is usually fine with it.

LiveLongAndProspero · 23/06/2017 20:34

as it is her birthday I feel we should treat her

Why does one guest get to spend the other guests money without even asking them?
I'm appalled at how many people here are suggesting this. It's incredibly rude.