Acquaintance not paying her share - how to raise this?

[lanouvelleheloise]

I have two friends, A and B. Both have good jobs and partners with good jobs, probably household incomes of something between £70k and £100k.

However, they manage money differently. A is in a situation where she is well-off due to her partner's wealth (lavish house with no mortgage, several hundred thousand savings); B's circumstances aren't so fortunate, and are compounded by the fact she is constantly spending money, running up debts etc. (I don't know her that well, but I suspect there may be MH issues at work here).

A has constantly paid for meals out for B, at the most expensive places, where B does things like order £200 bottles of champagne. Sometimes, A has offered to pay for both in advance, but even when this was not agreed, B has 'forgotten' her wallet, vanished to the loos, or just refused to pay up. B generally feels that A just has more money and should pay for her as a friend. A is getting upset by this, but hasn't raised it with B. A complicating factor is that A tends to rely on B heavily for emotional support, and I think at some level B may feel the lavish food is a (rather generous) recompense for that.

I am C, and I am now in charge of arranging a celebratory event for A, at a restaurant, to which B is invited (there are only 5 guests in total). This is a day that is all about A, and she has made it clear to me that she will be very upset if B tries to duck out of paying - it's become symbolic. Practically, I'm concerned about this too - I can't afford to pay B's share myself. I know I need to say something in advance and am fully prepared to do so, but I'm not sure exactly what to say/how to handle this. As I said, I don't know her all that well, so can't just raise it bluntly as I would with a good friend. I'm aware she has some shit stuff happening in her life with family illness and job stress and don't want to sound accusatory.

I know someone on Mumsnet will have the perfect solution! Please help.

In an ideal world is this an event where everyone would pay for A's dinner? Or do you just want B to pay for herself?

I would definitely message that "I am arranging this event is for A, so she will not be paying for anyone else, I cannot afford to pay for you, sorry, so please let me know for sure that you have the funds before I book. if you can't make it, no problem." and something about how she can look up menu if interested

you cant do more than that. and if she shows up with no wallet then there will have to be a fall out!

I think on the basis of the shitty. "She has more money than us I'm not paying for her"text she's disinvited herself so just reply:

"Ok thanks, I'll let the others know you're declining and see you another time. Take care xx"

Job done.

Sapphire - yes, but the resentment is already there. Perhaps it's better to just tell her straight but it may cost C's friendship if B gets pissed off and blocks C out, and A sides with B as she's her emotional crutch

A is leaving you to clear up the shit she's allowed to happen for so long. Totally not fair to put you in such an awkward position.

Honesty is the best policy. Tell B that A is not paying as its her day, and the bill will be split evenly between all guest including A's meal. Tell her you know she sometimes has issues paying and to let you know if she wishes to decline the initiation, or, alternatively she can make arrangements with the restaurant personally how she will cover her own bill.

I don't see anything saying A says that you all should pay for A's share as well as your own?

She just wants to ensure B pays their bit. I'd be a bit put out if told the birthday person has REQUESTED we all treat her? that is rude.

B sounds like a shitty friend.

What do I do if B 'forgets' her wallet or says 'Oh I don't actually have any money in my account'?

Tell her to leave her contact details with the restaurant so they can sort it out with her later?

Trouble is, if she kicks up enough of a fuss - and it sounds likely she might - it's entirely possible that A might pay for her yet again just to shut her up, which could leave you looking like "the bad guy"

Personally I'd do everything I could to make sure she wasn't there, to avoid unpleasantness all round; she's not going to change by herself, so it may be that someone else will have to do it for her

I'd run a mile from this if I were the OP. As I said earlier.... it is just not fair and it would be impossible to enjoy the organisation of it and the meal itself, if OP has to turn all bolshy, and be on tenterhooks during the meal to see what the outcome will be.

OP might be the type that just wants an easy life and no confrontation/hassle. I would hate to be in this position. But then I have no friends like B either!

I think I would have to say to A, sorry you know what she is like, might be better coming from you about paying. Thanks.

Otherwise I'd do the arranging and warnings about paying for A and would not go on the night. Too much hassle.

Separate tabs, although a good idea can get complicated when bottles of wine are involved.

flumpy, that's no reason to add to resentment with what could easily look like gossip and shit-stirring.

Frankly I think the OP is better off without the 'friendship' of A if A thinks it's OK to dump HER problem with B on her.

Entitled grabby cow! I can't believe the cheek of it!

I would email everyone a copy of the menu to "give them an idea of whats on offer and how much it will be" and say that as its A's birthday, you will all pay your own and split the cost of A between you all.

If she comes back saying she won't pay for her friends meal with everyonr else say ok not to worry, its a shame you can't be there but we will catch up another time

'She has more money than us, we don't pay for her'.

Could you reply "Of course we will, it's her (insert celebration here) it's time for us to treat her!"

Also agree you could ask for say £40-£50 straight up to put in the kitty.

I often organise lunches for groups of people and if you talk to the restaurant they would prepare a special menu for your group. It's in the restaurant's interest to know what they're cooking for you, and it'll be helpful to you as you know how much the bill will be. Then if B orders anything extra the restaurant can bring her the bill.

Good idea to pay in advance then A can genuinely leave her wallet at home.

Just send a reply, "A has been really generous to all of us in the past. This is her celebration and we should be treating her. If you don't agree, though, we'll just split the bill into 5."

This is perfect.

If she forgets her wallet ask her if she has her banking app, she can transfer the money there and then to you and you can cover it. It's one thing for her to take A for granted but if the rest of you have to bail her out she will probably be embarrassed. Or from the sounds of her, maybe not.

Actually I like PuppyMonkey's text.
Send that.

The annoying thing is without the OP being able to say why all this is being done, if the other 2 dont know about B then OP will come across as weirdly money-obsessed and controlling about the whole thing.

Actually I think I would go with
PuppyMonkey

As it's a celebratory meal, could you ask the restaurant to produce a special set menu for the table (say 3 choices per course) for a set price (which can be as extravagant as you like based on people's finances), which they might have already as they often require this for larger groups.

You can tell the guests in advance what the menu price is per person, and ask for the money in advance, plus an extra £10/20 for drinks, on the premise that then there is no discussion about money on the day and A won't feel awkward that people are paying for her etc.

If B doesn't want to contribute to A, she can give just the cost of her meal and drinks in advance. Worst case she says she won't come if it's done this way, in which case you can say "Oh dear, well I'm sure A will be very disappointed".

The person who is being unreasonable toward you OP is A, not B.

She has allowed this situation to develop and go on for some time and now has asked you to solve it!

It's got nothing to do with you.

Tell A, that you have told B that everyone needs to pay their way, but you have no control over what she does on the night. You can't be expected to predict or manage the behaviour of someone who is just an acquaintance of yours. A is being unreasonable to expect you to. A needs to deal directly with B. Perhaps for her celebration (birthday?) you could get her some big girl knickers!

I think the pre-event kitty idea is best here. Look at the menu, work out a fair cost per head, add on a premium for wine/drinks/gratuities, and tell everyone to send you that amount ahead of the event. You then pay the bill out of the accumulated fund and split any remaining money between you afterwards as a refund. Work on a no pay:no go basis. If B doesn't send her share, then she's not invited. Simple. Or better still, split the anticipated bill 4 ways and treat A for a change. Even if she is as well off financially as you say, it's still nice to be treated and not taken advantage of.

What if B just doesnt put any money in the kitty and then turns up? I cant think why she would voluntarily put any money in in advance since shes not expecting to end up paying at all.

I think I must be a right cow because I'd find this quite straightforward- I'd email everyone a nice enough message giving details of where and when and add that we will be splitting the bill between the guests (excluding A) and if this doesn't suit anyone then of course they are at liberty to arrange their celebration with A on a different evening (thus kicking it back to A) and signaling it's not negotiable.
On the night if she fails to put her card in she can get her or her partner to pay over the phone.
B is not your friend and it really won't matter if you force the issue - not your circus, not your monkeys.

I really don't think it is fair for you to be made responsible for B's behaviour. I can see whatever happens this will come out being your fault, so I'd be inclined to make it clear, that while you are happy to arrange the meal, you are not going to be responsible for how the other guests behave. With the best will in the world, if B is not willing to pay up, you will not be able to make her!

Does the restaurant your going to have a set menu? So then you you could ask for the money up front? Or suggest the meal is likely to cost x amount per head so to save scrabbling around for debit cards and cash in the day can everyone pay you before hand and then you'll reimburse any excess cash/use it for an extra round of drinks?

I don't actually think it's a problem you're obliged to solve.

A hasn't tackled the situation herself and has tolerated B's behaviour. It's now unfair to expect you to do the hard work for her.

Also, you've only booked a restaurant, not organised a full on party with payment required in advance - if B refuses to put her hand in her pocket on the night there will be x other people there to back you up. It's not your issue to solve alone.