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Original poster

Acquaintance not paying her share - how to raise this?

308 replies

lanouvelleheloise · 23/06/2017 12:06

I have two friends, A and B. Both have good jobs and partners with good jobs, probably household incomes of something between £70k and £100k.

However, they manage money differently. A is in a situation where she is well-off due to her partner's wealth (lavish house with no mortgage, several hundred thousand savings); B's circumstances aren't so fortunate, and are compounded by the fact she is constantly spending money, running up debts etc. (I don't know her that well, but I suspect there may be MH issues at work here).

A has constantly paid for meals out for B, at the most expensive places, where B does things like order £200 bottles of champagne. Sometimes, A has offered to pay for both in advance, but even when this was not agreed, B has 'forgotten' her wallet, vanished to the loos, or just refused to pay up. B generally feels that A just has more money and should pay for her as a friend. A is getting upset by this, but hasn't raised it with B. A complicating factor is that A tends to rely on B heavily for emotional support, and I think at some level B may feel the lavish food is a (rather generous) recompense for that.

I am C, and I am now in charge of arranging a celebratory event for A, at a restaurant, to which B is invited (there are only 5 guests in total). This is a day that is all about A, and she has made it clear to me that she will be very upset if B tries to duck out of paying - it's become symbolic. Practically, I'm concerned about this too - I can't afford to pay B's share myself. I know I need to say something in advance and am fully prepared to do so, but I'm not sure exactly what to say/how to handle this. As I said, I don't know her all that well, so can't just raise it bluntly as I would with a good friend. I'm aware she has some shit stuff happening in her life with family illness and job stress and don't want to sound accusatory.

I know someone on Mumsnet will have the perfect solution! Please help.

OP posts:
TipTopTipTopClop · 23/06/2017 13:05

I think you just need to have a direct word with B. I'm sure it's not what you'd love to do but consider it practice in dealing with awkward people.

shortgreengiraffe · 23/06/2017 13:05

I think you can be direct with B without betraying A's trust. e.g. 'B, I know that A has been very generous in the past but when we go out for her birthday we need to all pay our way as A has made very clear she won't be picking up the tab, so please bring your wallet along'.

It is possible that B doesn't have as much money as you think she does. That absolutely does not excuse her behaviour which is awful, but it may be that she can't actually afford this and so you might want to consider the option to choose somewhere cheaper in order to enable her to come.

FlaviaAlbia · 23/06/2017 13:05

A has really put you in a really difficult position. She wants you to do the dirty work she hasn't had the backbone to do herself.

You're going to have to speak to her and tell her the only way that you can make B pay for her own is to be very blunt. And then she'll probably make a fuss and not come by the sounds of it.

ChasedByBees · 23/06/2017 13:06

You're in a v difficult position as A has told you of the behaviours, told you she doesn't want it to continue but you also have to keep a confidence.

That means you have to tackle an anticipated behaviour apropos no evidence you've directly observed.

The only thing you have to go on is her very rude text. You could reply, regardless how rich A is, it's her birthday / party / event and it is a gift. The invite is contingent on her contributing and get the money in advance.

ShakeOfFara · 23/06/2017 13:06

I think I'd be going with separate bills - say to the person waiting your table that you need individual bills rather than all in together.

Thesingingtoad · 23/06/2017 13:07

Yes soda, I too would probably duck out on the night - why is A getting C to do her dirty work, and be the one that B will get angry with?

Justbreathing · 23/06/2017 13:07

I would just ignore the whole thing and let B and A implode in their own weird and fucked up co dependant relationship.
you can be there for the fallout, but there is no point in trying to stop it happening. B doesn't want to listen and A doesn't want to confront.

you're in a lose lose, so i would just not worry about it. When it comes to the evening everyone pays for themselves and then I imagine as per usual A will pick up for B

ChicRock · 23/06/2017 13:07

Having re-read and seen some of the replies, I think it's really shitty of A to have dropped this on you to sort out and.

Actually I'd be inclined to tell A to tackle it herself beforehand with B, or stop her whining and pay up.

wibblywobblywoo · 23/06/2017 13:08

This is a day that is all about A, and she has made it clear to me that she will be very upset if B tries to duck out of paying - it's become symbolic

The issue is A's, the fault is mostly B's but partly A's for enabling and B is A's friend not yours. Personally I would say to A that a celebratory outing with others in attendance is neither the time nor place to tackle this problem. A needs to deal with it herself directly with B either before this event or waive the issue and deal with in her chosen way afterwards. To put the 'dealing with it' on to you isn't right or fair - although it is possible that as A is clearly not good at saying "No" to B she may just have seen an opportunity to get someone else to do the dirty deed for her.......

I'd give A three choices -

Deal with B herself before event

Leave it and accept whatever B chooses to do on the day on the basis that she knows what B is like and what is likely to happen.

Uninvite B

What is not OK is to palm this issue on to you to 'solve' when she, A, has let it get to this stage herself. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

ChicRock · 23/06/2017 13:09

And don't forget to order a portion of popcorn along with the bill.

DoloresTheRunawayTrain · 23/06/2017 13:10

Send a reply stating "Hi B, seeing as this is As birthday I don't see why she should have to foot the bill yet again for others so this time I have insisted that the restaurant keep the bills separate. We will be presented with a bill at the end of the night for our own meals and I would hope we could at least manage to pay for As meal as a gift. If you don't feel you can stretch to this, then perhaps it's best if you do not attend."

scallopsrgreat · 23/06/2017 13:12

Of course if she is refusing to pay and you feel uncomfortable uninviting her, then you can always pass it back to A and ask her what she wants to do about it. Leave the decision up to A.

ImperialBlether · 23/06/2017 13:13

Just send a reply, "A has been really generous to all of us in the past. This is her celebration and we should be treating her. If you don't agree, though, we'll just split the bill into 5."

If she says she doesn't have enough money in the bank, just say, "Well, who did you think was going to pay your bill?"

A needs to get a grip, though.

Nowwhatsthis · 23/06/2017 13:13

As soon as you get to the restaurant, ask the waiter to put all orders on separate tabs for you. So at the end you get 5 bills.

If B won't pay hers, the rest of you just leave and let her deal with it.

StormTreader · 23/06/2017 13:13

"she has made it clear to me that she will be very upset if B tries to duck out of paying"

Now I've re-read the OP - she needs to tell B the above herself. Its horrible that she has said "stop her from doing this behaviour, but don't let on that you know she might try to, because its a secret!"

ChicRock · 23/06/2017 13:14

A does sound very much like a bit of a pathetic whineyarse that would rely heavily on someone for "emotional support".

Just be careful you don't end up taking the place of B after any fallout.

sobeyondthehills · 23/06/2017 13:19

I would make sure it is very clear that A is leaving her purse at home and bringing no money, something along the lines of

Dear

I am arranging said party, just to make it clear since it is all about A, and we know how generous she can be, I am making plans to make sure her purse and cards are left at home. Hopefully we can all chip in for her.

Looking at the menu (attached) it will probably be around £x + A's share which is Y so altogether it will work out at z, although this is an estimate and could end up being slighty more.

could you all let me know if thats ok, I will see you then

OhTheRoses · 23/06/2017 13:20

I've a different spin on this. I think A is mostly at fault. A is independently wealthy and has expensive tastes. If A wants to eat out with friends at expensive restaurants I think she should pick up most of the tab. If she doesn't want to she should have compromised a long time ago and suggested more modest restaurAnts that everyone can afford.

Sorry but I think It's A who sounds toxic and entitled here. If I were you OP I'd find another pressing engagement and avoid completely.

SapphireStrange · 23/06/2017 13:20

I agree that A has dropped you in it. If B is only an acquaintance of yours, but a good friend of hers, why on earth should you raise this and not her?

She's also deliberately making it a thing on an occasion that, as you say, is all about her – this puts a LOT of pressure on you.

When you get to the restaurant, ask for individual bills.

If/when they start creating drama (and I believe that A is doing her share of this), pay your bill and walk out. Do not feel embarrassed for either of them or the other people in the group. Do not get drawn into arguing. Just pay up and leave.

And say to A in advance that you will make arrangements with the restaurant for separate bills, but will NOT get involved on the night in any discussions or arguments about it. If she wants B to change her ways she needs to talk to B about it herself.

Shadow666 · 23/06/2017 13:23

How about texting back "That' fine, just pay for your own food then. Here's a link to the menu so you know how much to bring. I've already told A to leave her purse at home, so I'll just pay for hers myself"?

flumpybear · 23/06/2017 13:24

Honestly ..... I'd speak to everyone else in the group and say confidentially that B is a bit of a freeloader tends to let A pay for her meals but we can't let this happen as it's just ruining relationships and you're going to send a round robin email saying 'is everyone ok to ensure they've sufficient funds to pay on the night as I don't want to spoil it for A' and perhaps they'll write something suitable back like 'of course, no problem I wouldn't let anyone pay for me' .... bit passive aggressive but it's tricky when somebody else blatantly takes
The loss!!

ohforfoxsake · 23/06/2017 13:27

Exactly what Imperialblether said.

WhatsApp everyone, suggest you split the bill equally - everyone paying for As share as this is a special event celebrating A and it's a good opportunity to show her how much we appreciate her etc etc . Anyone who doesn't respond you have to keep asking them on the group, anyone who hasn't confirmed they are happy with this can be told 'I assume you can't make it?' And uninvited.

On the day send everyone the menu on the whatsapp group and say how you can't wait to take your friend out. No excuses for 'forgetting' or not knowing how much it will cost. "I'll tell A it's on us and she isn't to bring any money!"

If B pulls any stunts that's for A to sort out. But it will be highly embarrassing for B.

user1492692527 · 23/06/2017 13:28

I would send the pre-warning email, then as soon as you are all sat at the table say A we're going to pay for you tonight as our treat for your special occasion. Then when the waiter arrives say to him in front of everybody 'can we arrange to split the bill x ways today please as we are all paying for A' . Then if she will have to sort it somehow with the restaurant!

orangeandmango · 23/06/2017 13:28

Are the others happy to treat a? Since b has specifically said no we don't pay for her I would say something along the lines of:

For me it's not about how much money A has but about treating her to show we value her as a friend. If you don't want to be part of that I won't force you but make sure you keep track of your own bill as the rest of us will be Splitting to treat a as I've told her to leave her wallet at home!

I would then split As meal between the rest
Of you and hope b pays. If you've told her a is not paying for anything hopefully she
Will step up. If she doesn't then don't take
It on. It's not your responsibility.

SapphireStrange · 23/06/2017 13:29

I think involving everyone else, as in flumpy's suggestion, is a bad idea. It just comes across like gossiping or trying to split the group and cause resentment.

Maybe contact people in advance to say you will be asking the restaurant to run separate tabs for ease of managing the money, so no one can say on the night that they didn't know. But I wouldn't say anything personal/specific about either A or B.