Acquaintance not paying her share - how to raise this?

[lanouvelleheloise]

I have two friends, A and B. Both have good jobs and partners with good jobs, probably household incomes of something between £70k and £100k.

However, they manage money differently. A is in a situation where she is well-off due to her partner's wealth (lavish house with no mortgage, several hundred thousand savings); B's circumstances aren't so fortunate, and are compounded by the fact she is constantly spending money, running up debts etc. (I don't know her that well, but I suspect there may be MH issues at work here).

A has constantly paid for meals out for B, at the most expensive places, where B does things like order £200 bottles of champagne. Sometimes, A has offered to pay for both in advance, but even when this was not agreed, B has 'forgotten' her wallet, vanished to the loos, or just refused to pay up. B generally feels that A just has more money and should pay for her as a friend. A is getting upset by this, but hasn't raised it with B. A complicating factor is that A tends to rely on B heavily for emotional support, and I think at some level B may feel the lavish food is a (rather generous) recompense for that.

I am C, and I am now in charge of arranging a celebratory event for A, at a restaurant, to which B is invited (there are only 5 guests in total). This is a day that is all about A, and she has made it clear to me that she will be very upset if B tries to duck out of paying - it's become symbolic. Practically, I'm concerned about this too - I can't afford to pay B's share myself. I know I need to say something in advance and am fully prepared to do so, but I'm not sure exactly what to say/how to handle this. As I said, I don't know her all that well, so can't just raise it bluntly as I would with a good friend. I'm aware she has some shit stuff happening in her life with family illness and job stress and don't want to sound accusatory.

I know someone on Mumsnet will have the perfect solution! Please help.

And if she doesn't pay ahead of time don't reserve a space for her - if she turns up make a point of saying she didn't pay so you thought she wasn't coming. Then when the bill comes say 'B shall I let you pay your share first and then I'll pay the rest with the money in the kitty'

Haven't RTFT but I suggest when everyone's just placed their order saying "Right, I suggest we all get our money together now for what we've ordered before we all get too drunk to do the maths!".

I organise a lot of meals out for big groups who tend to get a bit squiffy, and the students among us are all too keen to let the booze run away with them and let us "grown-ups" pick up the tab.

This way if she hasn't the money you can say, "well we'd better call the waiter back over hadn't we and change you order to just a water" or whatever. To be honest it would be pretty bad if she then insisted on leaving for having literally NO money; I'd probably say "look, I'll pay for you as a loan, but I can't afford what you've ordered; I'll pay for X off the menu and you'll have to drink water" - you wouldn't have to, I'm just saying I probably would.

I'd want the money upfront, ask for a bit more than you think is likely and tell everyone you will refund anything leftover. B sounds quite likely to pull some stunt at payment time and it will be very awkward for you to deal with then. Realistically, you are not going to pay your share and leave her embarrassed 'doing the dishes' or negotiating with the restaurant. No-one would treat their 'friend' like that.

I've started to think that A has kind of dropped you in it. Why is she involving you in this excruciating matter between her and someone you don't know well?

A has step you up to the fall guy she wants you to do the dirty work and be the bad guy when she comes out smelling like roses.

Set"

Bottom line is it shouldn't be the OP's problem. Ever.

You need t make it absolutely clear that A will NOT be paying any of the bill. If B doesn't like it, she can fuck off to KFC!

Oh, I should add to my post above, everyone pays for their drinks as they order them so they're not on the main bill. It's not an unusual thing to do and makes life so much easier.

After the meal, if B doesn't have the money, tell her 'I don't have the money to pay for this, give the manager your name and address and bring the money back later today or tomorrow'. Or do as other posters suggested, go with a fixed price menu and collect the money upfront, including service charge.

A has no right to expect you to deal with a situation that she wasn't willing to deal with. B is an adult, you have no more control over her than A does. Why should you be guilted into something that is making you uncomfortable and ruining what should be a nice friendly experience?

If A chooses to suck up B's freeloading that's her problem, it is not a problem, however, anyone else has to enable. The difficulty here appears to be splitting the bill, simple solution is separate bills announced at the outset i.e. everyone pays for what they order. That way there's no awkwardness about who had a starter or dessert or the expensive wine v the house plonk etc. You can then say you will be taking care of A's bill, privately arrange behind B's back with the other attendees to chip in beforehand or after if they want, so everyone needs to bring along enough to pay their own bill. If at paying time B has forgotten her wallet or not brought enough she will have the awkward task of explaining that to the waiter and asking for someone to sub her, then it's up to A whether she does so or not.

How about texting back "That' fine, just pay for your own food then. Here's a link to the menu so you know how much to bring. I've already told A to leave her purse at home, so I'll just pay for hers myself"?

I'd send this one. At least 'B' will know 'A' won't have a bean on her.

But then C is paying for A all by herself - A might order a £200 pound bottle of champagne as she isn't paying anything, and C is still getting all the flack from B to boot for her having to pay for her own meal.

I think A is putting you in a very awkward position. Sorry, I don't have a solution to offer, but I am suggesting that you step back and think.

Why have you to be the 'baddie' getting B to pay, when A has let the situation run on. Of course B should be paying her own way, but I think A has made this mess and is now dropping you in it, tbh.

I may have missed something, but why isn't A organising this herself? Sounds a bit like she's asking you to organise it just so you can deal with the shitty situation with B. You should not be making that situation your problem and I'd be pissed off with any of my friends who tried to dump that kind of crap on me.

That said, I think the best approach would be to make clear to B that she will have to pay her way - do this in advance so she has the chance to bail if she doesn't want to. If she refuses to pay on the day, I'd be tempted to just pay my share and bugger off - again, it's not your problem.

Circulate the menu and arrange with the restaurant to pre order then ask for transfers to your account - transfer not received by X sorry you're not going. Either add a notional £x to transfer to cover drinks (split excess later) or make it clear to the restaurant it's pay as you order for drinks/extras .

Or just ditch B she sounds like a really horrible 'friend'

Where are D and E in all this horrendously awkward social situation?

Do they know B? Do they know what's going on? Are they going to be happy/able to afford to pay a third of A's bill for her? Do they mind a weird kitty system? Having to pay each time they have a drink (which is weird in a restaurant)?

All these possible plans completely ignore poor D and E!

The only solution is A growing a backbone.

As Underthemoonlight says:

A has set you up to the fall guy she wants you to do the dirty work and be the bad guy when she comes out smelling like roses.

If you text everyone saying we will split the bill then you've done your bit.

Organise everything else and then turn up and enjoy.

If B acts out then A can have it out with her direct. End of. This is not your problem. You will have made it clear that paying is expected!

There's no point in sending vague messages about splitting 5 ways. You could split 5 ways and B could still blithely be expecting A to pay her share.

This is not your problem to sort out, it's A's. You say to A, 'look, I want to help out but I feel horribly awkward talking to B about paying. I'm happy to organise but you'll need to tell her yourself about paying her share.'

Keep us updated - the brassneck is astonishing! ( sorry not helpful but I agree circulate menu in advance!)

I went to a similar meal that was for a friend arranged by another friend , the friend arranging it emailed a copy of the menu we sent her our choices and gave her the money plus an extra few pounds for the tip up front , drinks were to be paid for ourselves on the night it saved a lot of problems with people not having enough or refusing to contribute to the tip or one person pulling a face because they only had water when so and so up the table had six glasses of wine , theres always one , years ago i went for a meal with a group of people and one pulled a face because she had only had a starter yet her and her friend had hogged all the wine then not paid for it so i was miffed at having to pay for cats bum face to get pissed

I think that If you split the bill and treat A then B will still ask A to pay her share as after all A hasn't had to pay.

I think WellThatSucks has the solution, and I should have thought of it too as it is how we handle group meals when I go out.

When you are seated at the table, tell the waiter/waitress 'We need separate bills and this lady's bill (point out A) is to be split between us'. If B tries to order 200 quid champagne and you can't afford it, tell her, 'I can't afford that so you're on your own with that one unfortunately', or tell everyone to buy individual glasses of wine (this is what we do). If everyone is driving there they shouldn't want to get bladdered anyway.

Has anyone spared a thought for the other 2 guests who are being used as pawns in this mess? Suggestions for them to pay for A's meal, to pay in advance, to pay deposits etc.....has anyone asked them at all? What if they are on a budget? What if they can't afford a 4 way split for 5 peoples meals, especially when one of them orders expensive champagne....

Reply to the message stating 'on this occasion she isn't paying, it's on us, so if you can't pay a share then it's a bit tricky as we would rather not pay for you too'