Acquaintance not paying her share - how to raise this?

[lanouvelleheloise]

I have two friends, A and B. Both have good jobs and partners with good jobs, probably household incomes of something between £70k and £100k.

However, they manage money differently. A is in a situation where she is well-off due to her partner's wealth (lavish house with no mortgage, several hundred thousand savings); B's circumstances aren't so fortunate, and are compounded by the fact she is constantly spending money, running up debts etc. (I don't know her that well, but I suspect there may be MH issues at work here).

A has constantly paid for meals out for B, at the most expensive places, where B does things like order £200 bottles of champagne. Sometimes, A has offered to pay for both in advance, but even when this was not agreed, B has 'forgotten' her wallet, vanished to the loos, or just refused to pay up. B generally feels that A just has more money and should pay for her as a friend. A is getting upset by this, but hasn't raised it with B. A complicating factor is that A tends to rely on B heavily for emotional support, and I think at some level B may feel the lavish food is a (rather generous) recompense for that.

I am C, and I am now in charge of arranging a celebratory event for A, at a restaurant, to which B is invited (there are only 5 guests in total). This is a day that is all about A, and she has made it clear to me that she will be very upset if B tries to duck out of paying - it's become symbolic. Practically, I'm concerned about this too - I can't afford to pay B's share myself. I know I need to say something in advance and am fully prepared to do so, but I'm not sure exactly what to say/how to handle this. As I said, I don't know her all that well, so can't just raise it bluntly as I would with a good friend. I'm aware she has some shit stuff happening in her life with family illness and job stress and don't want to sound accusatory.

I know someone on Mumsnet will have the perfect solution! Please help.

Just don't invite her. I mean seriously ordering a bottle of champers for £100 and then expecting someone else to pay up... that surely is taking piss taking to a whole new level. I can't believe that anyone is blaming the person who paid for their generosity. It beggars belief, she hardly sounds enormously wealthy (not that it would matter if I went out with Price Harry and Megan I still wouldn't order enormously expensive stuff and expect them to pick up the bill)

I think it's unfair for a to put this on you. She needs to message b herself and say she won't be treating her.
Failing that could a leave first and pay her share

Only way is payment in advance.

It will spoil your night if you've said anything about making sure she pays and then she 'forgets' her wallet - and even if she doesn't, you're going to be stressed and akward just in case she does.

So a group email "Hi all, there's a set menu of £X per head, we get a discount if we book inadvance, can you look at this and pick what you'd like and then send me £X to these details and I'll settle the bill on the night. Thanks!" then chase B if she doesn't pay up.

However, I'd be talking to A about if a meal out with B is realistically a good idea if you haven't mentally agreed she probably won't pay. Its unfair that A is using this as a test of her relationship with B and landing you with it. B won't change, you can 'trick' her into not being selfish and greedy via collecting money in advance or she can't go, but ultimately, you will always have to either agree to pay for her or 'manage' her selfishness and financial meaness.

If A and B really are friends, then A needs to have this conversation with B, or stop inviting her to restaurants.

Also you said B has already made it clear she won't be paying for A's meal.

I'd tell her that you are paying for A so you'll be insisting A leaves her purse at home, but that you will ONLY be paying for A.

Either that or you ask the restaurant to do separate bills at the start of the evening and make sure B knows beforehand that that will be happening, even if it costs a little more each overall (because of buying your own bottle or wine or glasses rather than sharing).

I have a relative who is an expert at ducking the bill. We do separate bills at the start of the evening if it's an event where we can't avoid him being there.

I would email and make it known that everyone is expected to pay for their own meal and that A's meal/drinks will be split between us all equally as it is her treat so please only attend on that basis.

If B refuses to pay for her own meal on the evening or her share of A's then deduct the cost of her meal/drinks and pay the rest of the bill between you and let the restaurant chase her for the cost of her meal and NEVER go out with her again. Also say very loudly to A when you toast her that B has refused to contribute tonight to her costs. Don't buy a bottle of expensive stuff for B to share either if she is saying in advance she won't pay and make that comment at the table very loudly too.

If A has paid for B's stuff in the past that is her business and nothing to do with the present situation or you. If someone is not that well off then they shouldn't accept invitations to expensive dos, in my opinion!

I'd ask A how she wants you to approach it. You've been able to discuss it with A to the point of her saying she doesn't want to pay for B, so it needs to be followed up with A and for her to come up with a solution and a back up plan for if B doesn't pay.

Although you're organising it, this particular aspect does come under the heading of not your circus, not your monkeys. You don't even know B that well, presumably from what you've said pretty much you only know her through A. You can sort out the venue, the guest list, the balloons and anything else, but A has to take some responsibility for this part of it.

What about saying you need £40 ( or whatever) as a deposit per person to secure the booking?

B is a brassneck freeloader and would be better for everybody to get rid of her. So she thinks A does not deserve to be treated, ever, because she has more money?

I would send an advance group message, and check with B before you order if she has not forgotten her wallet.

Ask to see her wallet at the beginning of the night. That doesn't guarantee though hat she has money in the account

And reply to her text

"Yes, she does have more money but that doesn't mean we rip the piss. It should be under £70 - please confirm you can and will pay"

Seriously - why are you pussyfooting around her. She's an acquaintance. You don't have to really deal with her again and let's face it, this is a problem that A wants you to sort for her so you can be as blunt as you bloody well choose. But make it clear to a that B cannot be an emotional crutch anymore.

What is it with all these pisstakers recently?!

Could you set up a WhatsApp group and say to the other guests (not A) shall we all just split the bill 4 ways (not including A, she shouldnt pay) so that were all paying for A as it's her special day?

Then if B doesn't respond call her out in the WhatsApp, 'B, is this ok with you?'

comment at the table very loudly too.

Won't that just be really cringey and spoil the evening ?

This is very difficult for you, and a lot of hassle,
I would simply text everyone, and say what a great night it will be for A, and to save any awkwardness over, who wants what, you will all be receiving your own tab, at the end of the meal.
Personally, I do agree With Nelliefivebellies.

I think uou are taking too much responsibility.

Organise the meal, make it clear on a group email everyone pays, if she still plays funny buggers, then a will have to pay, she wants her there and she knows the score.

I'd reply to B and say that you've all agreed to pay for A but that if she's not comfortable with it you understand and will let the restaurant know that she won't be there!

She's told you that she isn't paying so unless you sort it out with her beforehand, she'll think you've accepted her position and you risk there being a scene when the bill comes.

Tell her the invite is conditional upon paying the split of the bill - and that you are all covering A's costs as a birthday present to her. Tell her that if she attends and then tries to refuse to pay, that she will be left out of any future invites.

If she objects, then tell her that being a selfish freeloader is a really unattractive quality and that she will not be welcome at the dinner.

Don't enable the behaviour. But you also need to tell A that you are doing this and she needs to back you up. A is being a little unfair, I think, by passing the buck to you - she should have called this out a long time ago.

B doesn't sound very emotionally supportive if she's always sticking A with expensive bills.

And yes...I understand how hard it is but I think for A's sake, and for the sake of the others who want to have a good evening, you need to be more assertive on B and make it clear that she has to pay her share or she won't have a reservation. A may be wealthy but that doesn't mean you can't all treat her on a special celebration.

What do I do if B 'forgets' her wallet or says 'Oh I don't actually have any money in my account'? (Both have happened).

Then take her share off, everyone else pay their share and let her tell the restaurant, not your problem.

You've had some great replies so maybe speak to A and tell her these options and let her know you're willing to be a bit brutal to B if needs be, and just somewhat get her permission to drop money talks into it.

I think it's important to speak to A if B is her friend not yours, but what a friendship when you can't openly chat!

I would defo send a mass email / text and a direct text to B saying that we are all paying for our meals and drinks separately and throwing in enough cash to cover A so please don't forget your purse / credit card.

Also if she goes OTT and orders champagne I would recommend not touching a drop of it, that way at the end of the meal you have no need to pay for it if you've not drunk it as it's already been made clear you're paying your own ways.

Good luck! She sounds a bloody nightmare

What do I do if B 'forgets' her wallet or says 'Oh I don't actually have any money in my account'? (Both have happened).

Well in that case you'll have to be blunt with B, and make sure you do it before the meal.

"B, this is A's birthday meal, neither she nor anyone else will be paying for you. Take a look at the menu online and if you can't afford it then let me know so I can cancel you off the booking".

A not speaking up before this, and now trying to make you sort it out in some way for her means that I'm not surprised she might need a lot of emotional support, and I agree with a previous poster that its actually not very nice of her to take all the uncomfortableness of this situation and give it all to you so that shes not "the bad guy".

Does she have difficulty in general with setting boundaries with people or letting people walk all over her?

If she's forgets her wallet then A will have to pay for her again and deal with it herself later. It's her friend and her weird dynamic.

I know A doesn't want her ruining the night by trying to avoid paying, but would it not be easier to have the meal, divide the bill by the guests (so A's meal is covered as it's her birthday) and just say, everyone owes this much?

Surely when she is surrounded by other people paying (and A isn't paying anything) she can't refuse or expect A to cover her. A little embarrassment for her rudeness wouldn't do her any harm. Planning the payment in advance is quite complicated.

Although maybe this would cause distress for A, but really I think the situation has gone on long enough. If it did become awkward, it would only reflect badly on B, rather than A.

I would hate to be you OP. It is extraordinary that A has made this your problem.

Personally I would arrange everything, do the whatsapp thing as suggested, then develop a nasty bug that prevents you going out/ eating on the day. How could you enjoy it at all, it is an awful situation to be placed in.

I would not enjoy the night no matter what. Bow out with an excuse and meet A on your own at a later date.

Chicken that I am, that's what I would do.