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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is girlfriend's small a

230 replies

Sillyjelly · 22/06/2017 15:30

My girlfriend does a strange thing that is starting to bother me, in part cos it makes no sense and it can ruin a good atmosphere.

An example would be I can ask for something simple, like "please will you pass me the mustard" and she'll just say "no".... That's it.

Im always a bit surprised and think shes joking, but once she has said no thats it, I have to get up and walk round her chair to get the mustard, or whatever it is.

This is not when she's busy, or annoyed, we'll be having a perfectly normal time and then she does it. It's quite embarrassing when she does it in front of other people too. It makes us look nuts and they are embarrassed.

It's weird right? It's starting to piss me off and I wish she wouldn't do it.

OP posts:
Justdontgetitatall · 22/06/2017 20:14

Ohhhhhh she's one of those women that feels they shouldn't have to do a single damn thing for men and enjoy seeing them suffer/struggle etc. Got a friend like that. Needs to be nipped in the bud. NOW!

If you can't sit her down and confront her over it and decide to leave her over it, PLEASE tell her that this is the reason why! Otherwise she will never change and will continue to treat other men like this! X

GoBigOrange · 22/06/2017 20:22

OP, I suspect this stupid refusal to pass the mustard is part of a pattern of many minor acts of disrespect and lack of care for you and your well-being. None of the things she does in isolation are that bad, but as part of a big picture... well, it isn't very pretty is it?

Has your anxiety worsened in the time you have been with her by any chance? Do you do anything for a quiet life? Rush to smooth things over when you sense she is getting angry? Do you always end up being her scapegoat or whipping boy when things go wrong?

It's no way to live, and it WILL NOT get better.

I know that it is hard to walk away from years spent entwining your lives and entertaining hopes for a shared future, but better to jettison someone who treats you unkindly after three years than waste a lifetime on them when they don't deserve you.

You may find that if you do break up with her that your anxiety gets even better. I know that when I finally gave my emotionally abusive gas-lighting ex the heave-ho my IBS and anxiety magically disappeared within days of getting him out of my life. So my body knew what my brain apparently didn't - that he was bad for me.

I hope you find the strength to walk away.

Justdontgetitatall · 22/06/2017 20:26

Looks like OP has disappeared :(

3luckystars · 22/06/2017 20:45

She just doesn't cut the mustard.

AIBU or is girlfriend's small a
Groupie123 · 22/06/2017 21:03

Leave her. This behaviour is creepy if not outright abusive. You deserve (and mostly can get) better - you don't need her.

PeaFaceMcgee · 22/06/2017 21:17

The behaviour is all about control and humiliation. If you don't question the mustard stuff then she knows she has you on strings. If you do question it, it ends up in a row and her saying "it's nothing, why are you making a big thing over it and spoiling things" is gaslighting and designed to make you question yourself (and think she knows best).

The meds is less subtle gaslighting, though no less sinister.

The fact you can't see it as abuse shows how much she's influenced and twisted you already. I don't think anyone in this thread has thought her behaviour is remotely ok?

I would advise you to imagine a happy life without her - give it a go, in your mind, for a few days.

I really hope she doesn't get her hands on your inheritance Sad

Original poster
Sillyjelly · 22/06/2017 21:19

Sorry, I couldn't post as I was travelling. Also I'm a woman, should've said earlier, doesn't make a difference though as people have said.

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies, I've taken the advice on board and will have a think. I don't want to be the frog.

OP posts:
MiniCooperLover · 22/06/2017 21:27

Your partner is a bully, you need to ask why she's being so rude!

PollytheDolly · 22/06/2017 21:43

Good luck jelly. Please keep us posted Flowers

mummytime · 22/06/2017 21:45

Actually this thread is MN at its best - no one cares if you are a man or a woman or the fact that your partner is a woman. Pretty much everyone has said it is abusive.
As you are female if you want further advice - you can phone Women's aid (they don't care about your sexuality either).

Gemini69 · 22/06/2017 21:45

Good Luck SillyJelly .. being Female make no difference to the advice lovely.. .... do take care xx

Areyoulocal · 22/06/2017 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Msqueen33 · 22/06/2017 23:08

Gender regardless you don't deserve to be treated like this. No one does.

WicksEnd · 22/06/2017 23:20

It's just such a cold thing to do isn't it?
There's something about it that's really sinister.
Im not an anxious person at all, but this has made me feel really uncomfortable.
It's completely humiliating. Why does she want to humiliate you like that?

FatGirlWithChocolate · 22/06/2017 23:34

I haven't read the whole thread (don't shout at me please!) , but I had to reply to the OP. Is it possible that your girlfriend has an undiagnosed issue? I ask because my DS (now 25) has Aspergers, but as a young child was diagnosed with something called "semantic pragmatic disorder" - also on the autistic spectrum (Aspergers diagnosis came at 18), and what you have described was a noticeable feature of SPD, and one he was constantly in trouble for, and so your post rang a bell with me. Basically, someone with SPD does not understand the implicit subtleties and subtext of language, therefore if you say something like "would you like to pass me the mustard?" in their understanding you have asked them a question, you have given them a choice, and they have given you an honest answer. They do not understand that you are really saying "pass me the mustard", that you are giving a (polite) command, and not a choice. So, in my Ds's case things would happen at school such as, teacher would say "would you like to pick up that piece of paper?" and he would say no, and get in to trouble. The speech therapist had to explain that he was not being naughty, but needed to be given a command (which he could understand and execute, no problem), not a question that wasn't a question via a subtext he could not understand as being one.

Quimby · 22/06/2017 23:37

"We don't live together, I have my own house. Marriage and children have been discussed, but the immediate next step is that I'm selling my house (inherited with a sibling) and we're buying our own to live together."

I can practically see the cartoon dollar signs in her eyes from here

BunsOfAnarchy · 22/06/2017 23:40

@Sillyjelly please please consider ending this. You remind me so much of a cousin of mine. This has to stop.

I cannot believe she would say you were hard work when you came off your anti anxiety meds....wtf! It just screams she wants your mental health to deteriorate so she can keep you under control! This is the most troubling thing I've read all day!

Sounds like she has a tendency (well more than just a tendency) to mentally abuse you slowly until you cave and give in because you don't want conflict. It's already working on you. She's been getting away with it for far too long

making you doubt yourself and telling you that you were difficult to be around when it's the first time in a long time that you haven't felt down and felt happy and clear and confident in yourself and free of pills....it spells domestic abuse. She is mentally going to grind you down.

You might not want to throw away 3 years. But see it this way ' it is better to throw away 3 years than the rest of your life

Please please see what is happening here

Shockers · 22/06/2017 23:53

If DH said no when I asked him to pass the mustard, my next words would be, 'just pass the fucking mustard, you twit'.

Not in front of the children, obviously.

Giraffey1 · 23/06/2017 00:26

Her defence is that I've created an argument over something small and ruined the day.

No. She has created an argument by refusing to pass you the mustard. Be firm. Tell her that refusing to pass the mustard is very childish and you are not interested in playing silly games. And get the hell out of a relationship where you seem to count for so little.

MiddleClassProblem · 23/06/2017 00:44

Not sure if this has been said but i see it as two possibilities. Controlling or that part of her resents you over something (could be big or small or all in her head). The latter I feel could be a possibility because she does it in front of others. Either way it's not a good outcome. I think with your anxiety you really need someone supportive and it doesn't sound like she is.

We're you diagnosed with your condition before you got together? I'm just wondering if that could be part of it.

Anyway, I if we're you I'd seriously think about how things could unfold, about if you think councilling could help or just confronting it head on which can be done tactfully by saying how you feel about it and that you don't understand why she does it.

But like others have said these red flags are worrying and you are probably better buying a house for your future not as a couple.

Rainbunny · 23/06/2017 01:16

OP, is she nice to you in general even? Does she do nice things for you ever? Small things, like making you a cup of tea when your tired or a foot rub etc... The things that couples like to do for each other because they care and want to be kind to each other.

Refusing to pass the mustard is a petty thing but it shows that she isn't willing to do even a small thing to help you out, which to me sounds like she doesn't care much for your happiness at all. I'd be putting a hold on the moving in thing if I were you, she sounds like the last person you'd want to share your home with.

FaithAgain · 23/06/2017 08:15

sillyjelly it's good that these replies have been helpful. I know it's hard to leave a relationship when there are good times. But you really do deserve better! To quote a previous MN thread, a cup of tea with 10% shit stirred into it still tastes like shit! She is making you miserable with her behaviour. You can't even raise it with her because you're scared of her reaction. That's not a healthy relationship. No, you don't want your children seeing her treat you like this - I grew up with a Mum who escalated at my Dad, Dad did everything he could to avoid conflict but she would still lose it regularly. It's not healthy for kids to be around. Do consider getting out before things get worse and you feel like you can't get out.

Original poster
Sillyjelly · 23/06/2017 08:43

She does lots of sweet and thoughtful things - makes me a cup of tea in the morning, drives me about, cooks lovely dinners, draws me little pictures, used to visit my unwell parent in a care home when I couldn't make it etc etc.

She's a nice and normal person generally, it's just the weird behaviours and the moods/sulking that are a problem.

OP posts:
DinosaursArentMakeBelieve · 23/06/2017 08:58

I really don't think you should sell your house or move in with her. If this bothers you (and I can't completely understand why it would) then you need to assess your relationship, both now, and what it will be in the future.

The basic question is, is this something you are willing to put up with for the rest of your life?

What are your "deal-breakers" in a relationship?
The chances of changing someone this controlling and volatile is minimal, in reality you either need to accept it and be ok with it or leave.

DinosaursArentMakeBelieve · 23/06/2017 08:59

That should say "I Can completely understand why it would"

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