AIBU or is girlfriend's small a

[Sillyjelly]

My girlfriend does a strange thing that is starting to bother me, in part cos it makes no sense and it can ruin a good atmosphere.

An example would be I can ask for something simple, like "please will you pass me the mustard" and she'll just say "no".... That's it.

Im always a bit surprised and think shes joking, but once she has said no thats it, I have to get up and walk round her chair to get the mustard, or whatever it is.

This is not when she's busy, or annoyed, we'll be having a perfectly normal time and then she does it. It's quite embarrassing when she does it in front of other people too. It makes us look nuts and they are embarrassed.

It's weird right? It's starting to piss me off and I wish she wouldn't do it.

I don't think this is a small thing. I think it is incredibly and also very odd.
Could it be OCD? There are something's my eldest wouldn't touch - food stuffs/items they would perceive as dirty. They also would not want to explain it either and could easily come across as rude.

Could it be that? In which case I still think she needs to explain this to you so you can understand if she says no. If you ask her in private you may get so answered. Maybe explain it seems very rude but she is very nice and you are sure she doesn't mean to come across this way.

What does your son say?

Be honest. How often do you ask her to pass you things??
This drives me batshit
Dp wants a drink as soon as walk in the room
Shut the window
Pass me remote control
Can I have a blanket
Can you get the biscuits
It depends if the item wanted is closer enough for it to be passed without her moving.

Stop avoiding the arguments. Have the argument, every time.

But then that's no way to live.

Hang on. I read this as your son's gf so my answer doesn't make sense.

As it is your gf I doubt what I said applies. She is rude and malicious and not worth it. It will escalate. Surely it is too much bother to deal with this weirdness?

I wonder if it is a reaction to a previous relationship? When I started going out with a bf I asked him to help me with one of my bags for a moment (when we went on holiday.)
He refused as he had watched his dad carry his Mum's bags all the time and he wasn't going to do that for anyone. It made me realise what a fucked up person he was. I needed a few minutes of help but he couldn't separate that from his past issues.

That's just really weird behaviour - and really not nice.

I think you need to have the argument, this is ruining your mood for the day anyway. When you've raised it with her before and it's descended into a row, what was her defence? Just that she didn't want to do whatever you were asking?

She sounds like a cunt
I'd just move on

Controlling.
I like that boiled frog analogy. Don't be that frog.

Put her on the spot.

''Can I ask you the reason as to why you will not pass me XYZ? Considering it is next to you, and easily accessible. Are you trying to start a fight by being antagonistic? ''

Then pick your dinner up, walk out of the room. REGARDLESS if you have company. It may shock her.Tell her firmly she is lacking social skills and table manners, this isn't the first time and you will talk to her when she can logically explain herself.

I agree it's controlling. Manipulative even. It amuses her that she can show off the lack of regard she has for you.
My misogynistic BIL is like this with me (and other assertive women) - goes out of his way to NOT to do what you have very politely asked even if it makes perfect sense. It's a sense of "haha I'm not letting the woman get one over on me". Arse. I speak to him as little as possible now.

We don't live together, I have my own house. Marriage and children have been discussed, but the immediate next step is that I'm selling my house (inherited with a sibling) and we're buying our own to live together.

I don't think I ask for things a lot, no more than normal people just do little things for each other. It's not something that has ever been said about me in my life anyway. That's as objective as I can be on that one.

Not sure how to feel about these replies. I did think it was controlling, but then thought I was over reacting.

And at the risk of sounding dramatic she recently said something that sounded like gaslighting which raised some red flags.

The thing is I DO really enjoy a lot of my time with her, I like her friends and her family, she does very nice things for me, she's always up for the same activities as me so we get to do some really nice things.

Her defence is that I've created an argument over something small and ruined the day. There will never be an answer about why she does it. If I asked outside the situation I think she would say she doesn't do it.

But you're afraid to rock the boat by upsetting her, simply because you'd be very reasonably calling her out on some unacceptable behaviour... because you know she'd render the day "unsalveagable".
Just think about it.

Do you want to spend your life walking on eggshells?
You said gaslighting upthread and I agree - this is just the start though.

Don't sell your house. Massive red flags. You can find someone with a nice family who also does fun things but isn't a controlling arse.

She isn't going to change and will make your life a misery. Please don't ignore your gut instinct. It's telling you something.

I'd go with what Sausage suggested

"Me: could you pass the mustard please?
GF: No.
Me: well fuck off and die then.

Sorted"

She really has a bit of an attitude problem? What if she treated any future children like this?

Blimey, can you imagine how she'd screw up children with her nasty ways? Doesn't bear thinking about. OP, I think you deserve more. There's no need to tolerate being treated like this.

I would not necessarily be buying a house together, OP. Maybe try living together first before you entangle your finances. It doesn't sound a great dynamic to me, and it may not improve as you spend more time together.

And at the risk of sounding dramatic she recently said something that sounded like gaslighting which raised some red flags

What did she say?

Can you explain more about the red flags?

It sounds controlling. I can understand if you are asking her to get up and get something or it's just as easily within your reach but some of the additional things you've mentioned don't sound great.

I'd seriously consider not moving in with her yet. She pushing and testing you. If she can't answer why she does it and you've mentioned it's upsetting why does she still do it?!

She's excellent with children and everybody else.

It has crossed my mind that I wouldn't want my children seeing her treat me this way. Not a good model.

I hope she gives you outstanding blow jobs so that you're able to overlook her, erm, foibles. If not, time to show her the door.

What a horrible way to treat someone. And she does it when other people are around!

I'm imagining you looking longingly at the mustard by her right hand, then getting up and walking around the table to avoid a scene when you're eating with friends. What an inexplicably nasty thing to do.

PPs whose DPs pass them random implements to put down - also very strange. Are they surgeons? Dentists? Mechanics?

Would you put up with this behaviour from other people? Think about it. If no, why would you put up with it from someone who's supposed to care for you?

Imagine what she would be like if you had children together and you had enough of her tantrums and wanted to leave. How vindictive might someone be who doesn't pass the mustard just to play with your feelings.

Don't buy a house with her! If she's like this over something so small then I bet it's just the tip of the iceberg. Once you're living together and tied to each other financially you'll see a whole lot more controlling behaviour.

Put the brakes on buying a house or entangling yourself further with this woman.

Write down conversations so she can't deny them.

Honestly, get away from her. This isn't a red flag, it's a red fire engine with a red steamroller attachment and it's ploughing over you and reversing again.

Stop everything for at least a year.

You need to start recording these things. It's happening a lot more than you realise I would bet and if see it written down over the course of a year it might just stop you making a massive mistake.

Listen to that gut feeling. Good luck.