AIBU or is girlfriend's small a

[Sillyjelly]

My girlfriend does a strange thing that is starting to bother me, in part cos it makes no sense and it can ruin a good atmosphere.

An example would be I can ask for something simple, like "please will you pass me the mustard" and she'll just say "no".... That's it.

Im always a bit surprised and think shes joking, but once she has said no thats it, I have to get up and walk round her chair to get the mustard, or whatever it is.

This is not when she's busy, or annoyed, we'll be having a perfectly normal time and then she does it. It's quite embarrassing when she does it in front of other people too. It makes us look nuts and they are embarrassed.

It's weird right? It's starting to piss me off and I wish she wouldn't do it.

"Not sure how to feel about these replies. I did think it was controlling, but then thought I was over reacting."
Well, she's had you off-balance for a year now, I'm sure you reached the point of doubting yourself some time ago.

I agree with previous posters - this is deliberate on her part, she is controlling and abusive. You are the frog and the temperature is rising.

You probably feel that you have invested three years in this relationship, and you couldn't bear to throw that away - what a waste of those three years! This is known as the Sunk Costs Fallacy. Have a google on that, or 'sunk costs fallacy relationships'.

I would think about how you want your future, because in my opinion, this behaviour will only increase. She has no reason to change, she's getting away with it. Next time she does it - I would just walk out. Don't engage, don't ask her why, just walk and never look back.

And absolutely do not move in with her.

Op, you are walking on eggshells and second guessing yourself all the time.

It sounds awful. Pls pls pls leave.

She sounds scarey to be honest.
She probably has some undiagnosed SN or mental issue. But whatever causes her to act this way: It is not your fault. You don't have to make her get help. And you don't have to stay around if she seeks help.

She controlled it for the first year. As you get more involved she is showing you more of who she is, and it doesn't sound pleasant.

Do not make any more commitment to her (eg. don't buy with her, don't propose etc.). Get out while you still can.

Ah love, this isn't gonna work.

oh re the anxiety meds - it could well be you have been easier to 'control' because you weren't fully mentally healthy. She wants you unstable- you are feeling well and now you are questioning how badly she treats you (and that she doesn't do it to other people shows she knows it's unreasonable).

Have some time away from her, pull out of the sale of your home if you can, see if you feel better without her.

I have to agree - that and the gas lighting are massive red flags. It does sound abusive and it is highly likely to get much worse.

Please, please don't sell you home and buy somewhere with her.

People end up feeling trapped in increasingly abusive relationships because of the good bits. Of course, there are good bits and she has another side - but she has shown you who she can be - and that is abusive.

It may seem trivial but it really isn't. I've had some horrible rows with my DH and I am far from perfect... but to not pass something next to me - wouldn't even cross my mind. The anxiety meds thing is just plain vile.

Have you discussed this with family/friends?

The meds thing sounds very much like a control issue. She's knocking you down. She'll continue to erode you until you're scared and completely controlled by her.

I bet when she senses you're pulling away she'll go back to being super nice and then goes to knock you down again.

Get rid of her!
Total control freak. She is trying to make you feel small.
If you dont want to get rid of her, do it back.

She's comfortable and no longer feels she has to be on best behaviour. That first year must seem a distant memory. Flaws will start to show. Any issue you raise is minimised or your fault and she will shrug and dismiss anything bothering you.

I've felt good the last 3 or so weeks.
She replied that I hadn't, that I'd been really difficult and hard work and my concentration has been shot.
This simply isn't true, I have been good, work has been good, I've had nice weekends with friends. It felt very weird that she said it - particularly that she mentioned concentration which she knows is something that worries me with my career, but she would see no evidence of either way realistically.

Relationships are meant to boost your mental wellbeing, not drag you down.

If I were you I'd put any property deals to one side for now. After all by her logic you aren't coping generally so can't be in the right frame of mind to make decisions?
See how she reacts to that.

She is controlling you.
you are worth so much more than this.
its not very often people are unanimous on AIBU
Walk away, and do not look back.

OP, what happens when she asks you to pass something to her? Does she ever ask?

As pp asked, have you ever said no to her? Could you start?

yes to ego and not wanting to be 'told' even though you're asking. she doesn't want to comply.

the gas lighting is seriously not good.

you're not painting a great picture here and it seems to me that things are escalating.

don't make the mistake of hanging in there because she was amazing at the start. it wasn't her, it was a mask. this is who she is. just because you've been together for years doesn't mean you owe her the rest of your life.

think very seriously whether you want to be tied into a future with her. it's easy to get out now. it will be a nightmare with house / kids.

This really is deeply unsettling, especially the gaslighting. YOU know how you have been feeling for the last few weeks. Anxiety meds don't change your self-awareness. That's where she's tripped herself up in trying to exploit your situation. Well done for coming off them and best of luck with that.

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt, walked away.

I suggest that you do the same. She is revealing her true nature to you.

Is she the only one who ever gives you this feedback?
I would put any house transactions on hold. By her logic you are not in the right frame of mind to make any major decisions are you.
If the first year was smooth running and a joy and now she's playing this sort of mind game then she has obviously begun to take you for granted.

Relationships are meant to build us up not leave us miserable or self-doubting.

It's not a small thing. It's a ridiculous, disrespectful thing. She sounds bloody awful.

Run. Run. Run now. Before there's none of you left.

You will feel like a weight has been lifted, even if the initial lifting hurts.

So how long have you been on the meds for?

Mumsnet told her- no is a complete sentence.
You can do the mumsnet reply of "did you mean to be so rude?"

Her defence is that I've created an argument over something small and ruined the day.

But it's not a small thing to you? Whether she thinks it's small is kind of irrelevant, she really should be focussing on the fact that it has upset you.

It's worrying that her defence is to dismiss your right to be upset, as that's what bullies do.

On top of the gaslighting and weird controlling rudeness, it's not a good picture that you're painting.

Havalina That's horrible. My dp is hard of hearing and I know how much it effects his confidenice, something like that would destroy his self esteem. Well done for getting rid.

Her defence is that I've created an argument over something small and ruined the day.

Except she caused it by refusing to pass you the mustard. It sounds like she can do what she wants (or doesn't want) and it becomes an argument if you challenge that. That doesn't sound healthy.

You mention children. Would you like your DC to be in a relationship like that? What would you feel if you witnessed that behaviour or someone treating your DC that way?

Sillyjelly the mustard behaviour sounds like my sister. Once she decides something is not being done by her it will not be done irrespective of how reasonable it was to do in the first place. If your press the issue all hell breaks loose.

Crucially though my sister has substantial mental ill health issues. She will never hold a job, nor will she ever sustain any kind of loving relationship beyond the unconditional ones some family provide. Even the PIP assessors agree she should never work!!

If someone who can otherwise be fun and charming is doing this to you it is all about control. Knowing you won't make a fuss in public, undermining your desire for harmony, undermining your confidence in yourself.

This is not a healthy relationship for you and making any legal financial or family connection with her will end up with you being a shell of a person scared of the next bad reaction.

I don't often say this but for your own wellbeing you should seek to end the relationship then block in all forms of communication and get to know people whose company you can enjoy without all those pesky eggshells under your feet.

Another one who's "been there done that got the t-shirt"

I'm now in a normal relationship and I've never been happier. I didn't realise how this is how it should be!

Please leave now before you're bound together by a mortgage or kids.

I know someone like this and all the pps are right, it only gets worse. If you had children together and had an epiphany and wanted to split up you would then be terrified of her trying to control contact and trying to control the relationships between you and your children. Then you would think about the reality of staying together and realise that your children would be brought up watching this kind of behaviour and either thinking it normal or hearing rows about it. And may have to watch her use the children as pawns. I am so sorry but please, please, please walk away while you can. I wouldn't tell her why. Steel yourself against all the games which may be played during the break up and after.