AIBU or is girlfriend's small a

[Sillyjelly]

My girlfriend does a strange thing that is starting to bother me, in part cos it makes no sense and it can ruin a good atmosphere.

An example would be I can ask for something simple, like "please will you pass me the mustard" and she'll just say "no".... That's it.

Im always a bit surprised and think shes joking, but once she has said no thats it, I have to get up and walk round her chair to get the mustard, or whatever it is.

This is not when she's busy, or annoyed, we'll be having a perfectly normal time and then she does it. It's quite embarrassing when she does it in front of other people too. It makes us look nuts and they are embarrassed.

It's weird right? It's starting to piss me off and I wish she wouldn't do it.

There's something seriously wrong with her personality that she does this. That's unacceptable behaviour and you would be crazy to continue to have a relationship with her. Don't you want someone who treats you with love and respect? You won't get that from her.

The gaslighting thing (if it is that) is that I've recently come off an anti-anxiety medication (more by accident than design) and mentioned to her that I wasn't sure if I wanted to go back on it as,short of brain shocks which have stopped now, I've felt good the last 3 or so weeks.

She replied that I hadn't, that I'd been really difficult and hard work and my concentration has been shot.

This simply isn't true, I have been good, work has been good, I've had nice weekends with friends. It felt very weird that she said it - particularly that she mentioned concentration which she knows is something that worries me with my career, but she would see no evidence of either way realistically.

Not sure how to feel about these replies. I did think it was controlling, but then thought I was over reacting.
And at the risk of sounding dramatic she recently said something that sounded like gaslighting which raised some red flags.

You know this isn't right, and it will only get worse. It's bad enough that she does it but the fact that she won't talk about it is very telling.
Move on. There are plenty of lovely, sensible people out there. You don't need this sort of crazy.

Don't cave in when she cries and says she will change. You have seen the real her.

This is one of those things that seems small and if you try and discuss it, she'll say it's small and you're making a fuss, but it's not small. It shows how she values you and it's unkind.

I honestly would end a relationship where this happened on a semi regular basis.

Read the boiling frog analogy again.

Then separate your life from this controlling person and move on.

It'll only get worse if you have children. And you'll be truly committed then.

This is how emotional abuse works. They can be lovely and fun then they do small things that are done to control you but small enough so you could think you were being silly. Also the moods. Throw in kids and more stress and it'll be awful.

You sound like a nice guy. If you felt it was a small issue you wouldn't have bothered posting. I think in your gut you know this is quite a big thing. Don't overlook it anymore.

Is she trying to be quirky but failing, miserably? It's very unreasonable of her to behave in this way. Next time she does it, say to her she has to tell you why she's doing it or she can leave, if you're in your house, or you leave if you're elsewhere. Most odd and not at all nice.

Sillyjelly, she is very controlling.
It's high time you had that impending argument. This cannot carry on, you need to assert yourself, and let her know that belittling you, isn't happening.😡
Do not sell your house, and buy one with her, you may very well live to regret it.
There is a saying, if you act like a doormat, you'll get walked on. You are worth more, she doesn't sound very nice.

My DH can be like this. Example, we were at our local market last Saturday and I had bought some flowers, I asked him to hold them whilst I struggled to put my purse away....he said no. It's weird, embarrassing. I know exactly what it is, it's control, pure and simple, he hates being told what to do and I see it in other aspects of our lives together. His reaction to be asked to do anything by me is an automatic no.

I will ask him tO do something and he will say I don't do what you tell me, it can be something simple like can you put the bin out, NO! I hate it but I have three DCs and we've been together a long time.

pocketsaviour has it.

Get out now.

How does it escalate into an argument?

You: Please would you pass the mustard?

Her: No.

You: Why not?

Her: Because I'm not doing it.

You: Why not?

Her:

I honestly can't see how it can become an argument without her saying why she won't pass the item. I'm not doubting you OP, I just don't have much of an imagination!

Its The small innocuous things, which we all ignore, that are always the 1st warning of the shit that is to come.

The mustard and the gaslighting are inextricably linked.

The hills my friend, are that way >>>>>>>>>

I wouldn't be able to look at her let alone plan a future of any sort with her. Seriously OP you really do need to 'see' this.

e don't live together, I have my own house. Marriage and children have been discussed, but the immediate next step is that I'm selling my house (inherited with a sibling) and we're

DO NOT DO THIS! Please for the love all things holy listen to each reply on your thread, a lot will
Come from people who have escaped at massive cost.

They ALWAYS treat you well the first year and then the dripping starts. What you're posting has red fucking flags all over it.

Please leave her, OP, or in a few years' time you will be posting about your awful abusive wife whom you can't leave because you can't bear the thought of your children being on their own with her without you there to draw most of the fire.

It's not a small thing. She is acting precious. Run while you can!

I'd call her on it infront of her family.

I'd ask them if she's always been this rude.

She has you second guessing yourself - that's not good. You've already said your worried about her being a role model for any future you may have. If this was a friend telling you this, what would you say to your friend?

You don't sound like a good match and she sounds utterly weird

It's extremely worrying that she's trying to convince you that you haven't been well without your medication when you know otherwise.

It sounds like she's emotionally abusive.

@LucilleBluth how do you feel about it?

I wouldn't want to spend my life feeling I was being controlled that way.

Get out now. Soon you'll be bending over backwards to get things how they 'used to be' i.e. when she was concealing the controlling behaviour and you'll run yourself into the ground trying to get any nice behaviour from her

Oh lucille that sound awful. Why did you stay with him?

DO NOT SELL YOUR HOUSE AND BUY ONE WITH HER!

If she was prepared to admit she does it, that she's sorry, not sure why etc. then there might be hope, but her flat denial then carrying on suggests she doesn't give a shit that she's upset you.

The fact that she blames you for the day being ruined if you've argued after being upset due to her bad behaviour means she doesn't think you have a right to complain about her bad behaviour, she believes you have to accept anything she doles out.

Take a break from this relationship. You might well find your mental health is much improved when you aren't in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you.

I agree with everyone saying to get away from this woman... she is toxic! Emotional abuse starts slowly. She is testing what she can get away with. It doesn't matter if you have good times with her and like her family. She is making you walk on eggshells, putting all the blame on you when you argue, even though she is the one instigating these immature moments. You shouldn't have to "salvage" the day so often.

The gaslighting is also horrible. A loving, caring partner would try to alleviate any worries you might have, esp coming off medication, not try to make you doubt and second guess yourself.

Please, please heed everyone's advice. Leave now. The situation will not get better... and the more entwined you make your lives, the harder (emotionally and legally) it will be to get out. Get out now!

She is not a kind person, OP. Kindness is a fundamental part of being a decent human being. There is no way I could continue this relationship. Sorry.