AIBU or is girlfriend's small a

[Sillyjelly]

My girlfriend does a strange thing that is starting to bother me, in part cos it makes no sense and it can ruin a good atmosphere.

An example would be I can ask for something simple, like "please will you pass me the mustard" and she'll just say "no".... That's it.

Im always a bit surprised and think shes joking, but once she has said no thats it, I have to get up and walk round her chair to get the mustard, or whatever it is.

This is not when she's busy, or annoyed, we'll be having a perfectly normal time and then she does it. It's quite embarrassing when she does it in front of other people too. It makes us look nuts and they are embarrassed.

It's weird right? It's starting to piss me off and I wish she wouldn't do it.

She sounds like a rude, lazy control freak to me. You ask politely, she says "no" ... she makes you get the mustard (or whatever) ... you give in, she wins. Why are you with her? There are nice, polite people out there.

I'd have to end it. I could not be with someone so rude.

I was brought up in an odd household though, where we were never meant to ask for anything directly, so using your example if we wanted something passed, we would have to say 'have you finished with the mustard?' The other person was then meant to say 'I'm terribly sorry, would you like the mustard?' and pass it across. Have you tried the passive aggressive approach like that?!

This is how that convo would go round my gaff:

Me: could you pass the mustard please?
GF: No.
Me: well fuck off and die then.

Sorted.

Was the mustard right next to her?

She is making a point of not doing what she is asked or told. It's a control issue. Keeping you on your toes. Essentially she's being a cow and needs to grow up. I'd move away from that relationship if I were you.

It's not really like the examples above, those I would understand.

This is just annoying in its pointlessness. It'll be something out of reach, and she's just sitting there next to it, and will watch me get up and get it. There are other examples but my mind has gone blank.

Situations where there is no reason for her not to do something, something that doesn't even approach being a favour, and she'll just say no for no reason. Just to see what will happen? She doesn't do it to anybody else that I've seen, only me.

It's very rude , and actually quite unkind
I'd suggest dumping her and find someone else who's pleasing to be with

It's really obnoxious! Is she like this with other people? At work for example?
I can't believe no one has pulled up on her rude, difficult behaviour.

I might say "no" as a (not very funny) joke. But then I'd pass the mustard anyway.

She is very odd.

The mustard was literally next to her hand. I was at the head of the table so would have had to lean over her to get it, which I was raised too well to do! So I had to get up and walk around.

MrsBeverley - your DH has the same affliction as mine - the hand-me gene I call it. Hands you something for you to put down. Took me ages to resist taking things from him, but now I can! he still tries to hand me things though. Train yourself - its quicker than training them!

OP - your girlfriend is rude and she's shutting you down when to try to talk about it. Not good signs in my book. Oh and its not a little thing, its the tip of the iceberg

It is very similar to the joke of saying no, with accompanying fake blank face, but then she digs her heels in and will never actually do the thing! Feels kind of like a control thing.

No. this is just weird - words actually fail me.
If she said no then burst out laughing and passed it to you then fair enough, a little quirk. But just saying no and carrying on is just so fucking rude and horrible. Seriously I would be considering why you want to stay with someone who has such little respect for you (especially as she ONLY does it to you as you have said)
Have you tackled her on it and asked her why she thinks its ok to belittle you?

I've said no to my kids if it's as much effort for me to do something as it would be for them and they are just being lazy. - But i do tell them that.

What ratio does she say no to yes?
Couldn't you just as easily do it yourself? Think carefully and be honest. Are you in the habit of asking her to do things you could do yourself?

If you're not prepared to tell her these games are unacceptable, can you at least get yourself one of those extending grabber arm things to reach condiments?
That'd wipe the smirk off her face

That is extremely bizarre and very rude.

Have you ever had a discussion about it; such as "are you aware that if someone asks you to pass the mustard/salt/whatever, to flatly say no and make them get up to retrieve it is really bad manners?".

I've never experienced that with anyone in my life... and it wouldn't even enter my mind to say no to such a simple request. I can't understand why someone would have a problem with doing it. Would put me off someone tbh... I'd think that if they could be that rude about something so simple and that in no way inconveniences them, then I'd wonder what they would be like over bigger issues.

Why the hell are you with get? Get some dignity and ltb

• With her

How very peculiar. You need to have it out properly and ask her what her f*ing problem is. I wouldn't be able to hold it in!

How tied together are your lives? I'd say dump and move on. This is rude and frankly odd behaviour.

It sounds to me like a power thing, she likes humiliating you to make you get up and get the thing you've asked for.

She doesn't do it to other people because she knows it's rude, she knows she'll be dumped by friends if she publically humiliates them, she also thinks it's ok to do to you.

If you don't want to just end it, then next time call her on it, "I want a proper answer to why you are being rude to me, have I upset you or are you just enjoying being rude?" even in public.

But this is "look at me, I'm the alpha in this realtionship" behaviour.

LTB seriously. It's unkind and kindness is the minimum standard in a relationship. For funsies though, do reach in front of her face a couple of times. REALLY obviously.

Right missed your last responses. She's pushing you to see how far she can go. I suspect over the years her controlling behaviour will escalate - maybe into something more abusive if you don't toe the line.

Who makes all the decisions in your relationship/ Do you never row because you normally go along with her wishes? What happens if you insist on something?

That's deeply weird and unpleasant. And definitely a control thing. Does she show the same kind of attitude anywhere else in your relationship?

I think there's a deeper issue and you'd do well to discover what it is, or leave her abs let her discover it herself. I'd wager with time it will get worse or manifest in other ways. Depends how into her you are whether you are willing to go on that journey. Otherwise just get out now (likewise if she's not willing to see that the behaviour is wrong or weird with hindsight).

I wonder if she's got some kind of skewed view that she shouldn't have to wait in her man or somesuch.

What would happen if you did the same to her?