AIBU or is girlfriend's small a

[Sillyjelly]

My girlfriend does a strange thing that is starting to bother me, in part cos it makes no sense and it can ruin a good atmosphere.

An example would be I can ask for something simple, like "please will you pass me the mustard" and she'll just say "no".... That's it.

Im always a bit surprised and think shes joking, but once she has said no thats it, I have to get up and walk round her chair to get the mustard, or whatever it is.

This is not when she's busy, or annoyed, we'll be having a perfectly normal time and then she does it. It's quite embarrassing when she does it in front of other people too. It makes us look nuts and they are embarrassed.

It's weird right? It's starting to piss me off and I wish she wouldn't do it.

Do you say please?
I am not excusing this weird behaviour, just trying to work it out.

Do you often forget or not bother with please and thank you and is this her trying to make a point?

I have challenged it in the past - but then things escalate and we'll have an argument, which can get quite nasty. I make it clear I think she's being ridiculous, but I try an avoid an argument. Often ten minutes later she's back to normal and the day is salvageable

And* avoid an argument

Oh fuck that OP. She's controlling you. This is no small thing, it's actually nasty and to make you feel small.

How long have you been together?

I know an 11 year old child that does this and that's weird enough but I pit it down to brattishness. In an adult it's just plain weird AF.

How on earth can you escalate "Please pass me the salt?" How?

Do you always pass things to her/do little favours when she asks? If so, I'd start using her own behaviour back to her, see how she likes it.

DPotter

Been together 3 years. I compulsively say please and thank you.

It's been going on for over a year, not sure when it started. Our first year together she treated me amazingly well, so it's not always been this way.

I wouldn't think to do it back, if someone asks for a small easy thing i just do it without thinking! I am think if I made the effort to do it back then whenever I'd be annoyed woth her she'd say I do it too, if you see what I mean. It would normalise it, I don't want it to be a 'thing' that we do!

Your last post has worried me. This is about her controlling you.

Apologies for all the typing errors, I am on my phone

No one should be in a relationship where they are walking on eggshells to avoid arguments.

If you question a partner's behaviour and it always turns into an argument that "turns nasty", then there is an undercurrent of manipulation and abuse in the relationship.
Essentially she enjoys humiliating you.

Keep everything at your end of the table and NEVER pass her anything.

I'd seriously wonder if there was any point in a relationship like this. As other's have said, the tip of the iceberg.

Often ten minutes later she's back to normal and the day is salvageable

Wait, the day is salvageable ? Are you saying that you asking her to pass you something, and her refusal, sometimes means she will sulk and be off with you for the remainder of the day?

She is training you. She's starting off with minor-league rudeness to see if you will accept it. And so far, you have, so she will begin to escalate the control and nastiness, ever so slowly, so you won't notice it ramping up until you're so caught up in her abuse that you won't be able to find a way out and will believe it's you that's at fault.

Are you familiar with the boiling frog analogy? Put a live frog in a boiling pan and it will jump out. Put it in a pan of cool water and then turn the burner on slowly, and it will stay there until it dies. Because the temperature is becoming fatal so slowly that it doesn't notice.

That's your future if you don't get the fuck out now. This isn't a minor thing. It's the spearhead that heralds what the rest of your life will be like if you stay.

She doesn't love you. She can't even give you the minimal everyday courtesy that she'd extend to a stranger. Get out now.

Total control - that's all it is, and it can only get worse, I'm afraid

She's messing with your head. Leave her while you still know acceptable behaviour from the other kind.

Have you ever brought it up 'outside' the situation, like you are bringing it up now on this forum. Not in the middle of it happening. Suggest you do, and see where it goes...at least know for sure it is definitely odd and worrying. AIBU rarely has a consensus, but I think we're all in agreement on this one!

She is not nice at all. I'm glad you are seeing this now because hopefully you will get away from her eventually once this seed has been planted.

Could you try
'could you please pass me the mustard'
Her: 'no'
You: 'well I need it so I'd appreciate if you would give it to me now'
Her: 'no'
You: 'ok, how about you pass me the mustard or we are splitting up when I finish my dinner'

Well, she has you absolutely where she wants you, doesn't she?

It is controlling and belittling behaviour. I'd get out now before she saps your soul completely.

She is training you. She's starting off with minor-league rudeness to see if you will accept it. And so far, you have, so she will begin to escalate the control and nastiness, ever so slowly, so you won't notice it ramping up until you're so caught up in her abuse that you won't be able to find a way out and will believe it's you that's at fault.

This ^

Please walk away and tell her why.

She doesn't care about you or she wouldn't do this.

The good times in between the bad do not make the bad bits worthwhile. Gradually you will find that the bad is all the time and you are constantly trying to find ways to do better so you can have some of the good bits again.

This is not a healthy relationship.

she sounds arrogant controlling spiteful selfish and utterly vile to live with... why have you allowed someone so self absorbed to be in your life for 3 years... you know his 'little annoyance' will grow arms and legs right....

you have to leave for your own mental health

Sounds like you deserve a lot better than to be treated like this. It's weird at best and definitely controlling. Does she do it when you're eating with other people? Luckystar's advice is spot on!

That's bizarre and very rude. YANBU

What are your circumstances?

Live together? Your house, hers? Are you planning on marriage, children, etc?

Next time she says "no" ask her why she won't.