Am I being a bitch - texts at work?

[NachoAddict]

Ok I think it might be me....

My BF has a habit of texting me whilst I am at work If it is important I reply but if its not I just leave it, we will see each other after work and I am not here to chat (I know I am being a hypocrite because I am now on MN).

If I don't reply to his text, that doesn't really require a reply, he will send me another about half an hour later saying - Are you OK babe?

Now if I do reply to his texts he would literally just have an on going conversation all day.

Today he already text me saying have a nice day, how much he loves me etc, I replied saying have a nice day, see you later, love you too.

Then he texts me random stuff, does anything need doing in the house before he goes to work? - I don't know, I am not there, use your eyes?! - I just said No Thanks.

Then more love you's...

Then he texts to say he has finished tidying up now so is going to work.

I didn't answer. Does he want a medal? well done, if I text every time I tidy up I would never be off the phone.

So because I don't answer I get another text asking if I am ok?

I just replied, no a giant alligator has broken into the office and is holding us hostage....

OK so sarcasm was unkind but we have had this conversation so many times. I am at WORK!! We see each other in the morning and in the evening. why do we need texts all day too...

I am a bitch aren't I? he is being nice and I am a horror?

start the break up process quickly op, sooner the better

Blimey, every time you post it gets worse.
You need to dump him today.
He is not an immature youngster, he is very controlling.
I don't believe for one second that his cousin died, and by the sound off it neither do you.

Oh my giddy aunt, he self-harms if you don't jump to attention? I was already in the 'ditch him' camp, now I'm in the 'ditch him tonight' camp.

Seriously.

The longer you leave it, the more he will wear you down. He'd already got you to the point of "it feels mean and nasty dumping someone because they love you and miss you and want to chat... " and said "that's why I keep putting it off. I don't want to deal with that crap." It will only get harder the longer you leave it. You were planning 'a talk' tonight - make it 'The Talk'.

Along the lines of:

"I am dumping you because you are suffocating me with your clingyness and reluctance for me to have any life outside of our relationship. Your self-harming whenever I don't jump to attention for you has been noted, and frankly I find it creepy. You're basically trying to punish me, make me feel sorry for you, train me like a dog. So take on board now, any future attempts of that kind will be ignored. I won't believe you've been in an accident. I won't believe you've been diagnosed with something serious. And I absolutely won't believe you're suicidal. All of these are known tactics used by controlling men, and that is what you are. So hand over your keys and fuck off."

I know you'll put it a lot more kindly, but those are the points I think you need to get across .

At the start of the thread I thought he was just needy, but he's actually controlling, manipulative and dangerous. He gaslights you with his "loving" behaviour so you won't question his harrassment/stalking of you. He hurts himself when you're annoyed with him - I mean WTF?

Do you find yourself pandering to this shit just to avoid him sulking/getting angry? Because that's going to escalate as time goes on.

Please get rid.

Well this took a turn literally started this thread thinking 'immature bloke who needs a lot of attention' and have ended it thinking 'what the actual eff?' He needs to go OP

Life's to short to waste on lunatics

I know it needs to be done and I will do it in my own time but I just have so much going on already that I didn't want to add this to it

A good opportunity if you ask me. He is already trying to monopolise your time. You haven't got time for this shit.

'The most reliable sign, the most universal behaviour of unscrupulous people is not directed, as one might imagine, at our fearfulness. It is, perversely, an appeal to our sympathy.' Martha stout, ph.d.
'The sociopath next door'
I'm not saying he's a sociopath, but he's obviously very disturbed, controlling and possibly dangerous. Please get away op. Tell him tonight and be free x

At the start of this thread I was a bit like "aw yeah I was a bit like that when I was 19 and in my first relationship but fortunately I evolved as the relationship did and 7 years on we're stable and happy etc. Our relationship relies on texts a lot during the day due to hugely different working hours and DPs job, but we often go hours without responding to a text because of this or because we forgot and neither starts nagging the other etc. because that would be ridiculous.... but now I've read your updates please leave him. He is majorly overstepping boundaries, aren't you mortified and incredibly embarrassed that he tried to add one of your friends on Facebook?! The whole happening to "accidentally injure" himself when you argue is incredibly manipulative. The alarm bells are ringing so loudly it's deafening. I can't see that you've listed any redeeming features that are such that they balance out these issues, I'm sorry to say. You deserve better, and to be in a relationship where you don't have to feel any obligation to pander to his needs and insecurities while you're trying to earn a living.

Been a bit bust with the kids.

I am feeling a bit worried after this thread, I mean I knew he was hard work but I kind of thought he was a bit pathetic not dangerous if you know what I mean.

What if his cousin is dead and I ring his dad about it, won't that be insensitive? Maybe I could ask his dad if he has any photos of bf and cousin together as I wanted to frame it becaise by was upset not to attend the funeral?

OP - do you want to be with this man long term? If not, does it really matter if he lied or not?

Maybe I could ask his dad if he has any photos of bf and cousin together as I wanted to frame it becaise by was upset not to attend the funeral?

Not a bad idea BUT even if the cousin is dead and on this occasion he was telling the truth, he's still coming across as an emotionally volatile blackmailing dick.

Why is it that so many men are either useless lumps who do fuck-all to show they care, leave everything to the woman, sod off to footy or golf half the time, never say 'I love you' and never show it, OR they are clingy, needy, whiny babies who can't go anywhere on their own, keep ringing and texting while you're at work, and insist on following you around the house when you're trying to do stuff, whilst moaning about their health ailments?!

Why can't more men just be fucking normal?!

The boyfriend in the OP sounds like an irritating, clingy twat.

I suppose it doesn't Kitten but it just gives me a bit of extra resolve.

I don't really want a big drama tonight whwn it is work tomorrow and I know 100% that is what I will get.

Yeah I think the dead cousin is a red herring here, to buy yourself some time or make him seem not too bad if he did actually die. I've been guilty of similar myself.

Even without the cousin or any other possible cock and bull stories you have enough to ditch him anyway. You don't even need a good enough reason or a big enough 'thing' to end this. But put some measures in place to protect yourself, tell people and get that support in place as soon as possible.

This is sounding worse with every update OP

Change your locks, end it and block him, i can just about imagine the shit storm that will come from it

Maybe I could ask his dad if he has any photos of bf and cousin together as I wanted to frame it becaise by was upset not to attend the funeral?

This is a bit like 'he treats me like a piece of shit but I need proof it is another woman before I dump him'.

You do not need to know whether the cousin died. What you know is that things happen to him that make you feel sorry for him whenever you row. Once is sad. Twice is eyebrow raising.This many times, you really have to realise that is it narcissistic/sociopathic behaviour and get the fuck out of this relationship before it gets out of control.

It might be an idea to have someone with you while he packs up his stuff, unless you do it for him. You should change the locks as soon as he's gone as well and block him on everything you can think of.

I know it seems like I am just putting it off but I am taking advice on board.

I am not just going to go off all guns blazing on the back if a thread on mumsnet, I need to make sure I have the support in place. Real life support, organise getting the locks changed, get someone to be around if possible, speak to my manager incase he turns up at work.

Leaving a relationship is dangerous, it makes sense to plan it carefully and pick my moment for minimum disruption.

I don't want him turning up outside causing a scene when the kids have to get up for school.

He's not just going to accept it and skip off.

I am nearly 60 and had most of my working life without a mobile. Personal calls were deeply frowned upon at work. Why is it suddenly OK to be texting when at work? It's ridiculous, how can you possibly concentrate on what your doing when your phone is going off all the time?

I get pissed off when dh textsme at work. He'd go mental if I texted him when he's working even if it got through when he's not on stage.

Yep I hear you.

Feel the fear and do it anyway.

I'm reading this book at the moment and it's a real eye opener.

You know dumping him will hurt as he will inflict hassle, abuse, grief, etc on you but it will stop eventually. The sooner it's done the sooner you are free to live your life without this nob in it.

Good luck.

I am not just going to go off all guns blazing on the back if a thread on mumsnet, I need to make sure I have the support in place. Real life support, organise getting the locks changed, get someone to be around if possible, speak to my manager incase he turns up at work.

You're doing exactly the right thing Nacho.

Good luck with everything, and I hope this thread has helped, even if some people want it to move faster!

Good luck op you sound like you've got your head screwed on.

I actually agree with this, stay safe.