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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being a bitch - texts at work?

265 replies

NachoAddict · 22/06/2017 10:48

Ok I think it might be me....

My BF has a habit of texting me whilst I am at work If it is important I reply but if its not I just leave it, we will see each other after work and I am not here to chat (I know I am being a hypocrite because I am now on MN).

If I don't reply to his text, that doesn't really require a reply, he will send me another about half an hour later saying - Are you OK babe?

Now if I do reply to his texts he would literally just have an on going conversation all day.

Today he already text me saying have a nice day, how much he loves me etc, I replied saying have a nice day, see you later, love you too.

Then he texts me random stuff, does anything need doing in the house before he goes to work? - I don't know, I am not there, use your eyes?! - I just said No Thanks.

Then more love you's...

Then he texts to say he has finished tidying up now so is going to work.

I didn't answer. Does he want a medal? well done, if I text every time I tidy up I would never be off the phone.

So because I don't answer I get another text asking if I am ok?

I just replied, no a giant alligator has broken into the office and is holding us hostage....

OK so sarcasm was unkind but we have had this conversation so many times. I am at WORK!! We see each other in the morning and in the evening. why do we need texts all day too...

I am a bitch aren't I? he is being nice and I am a horror?

OP posts:
Original poster
NachoAddict · 22/06/2017 16:02

InvisibleKitten that's why I keep putting it off. I don't want to deal with that crap.

I know it needs to be done and I will do it in my own time but I just have so much going on already that I didn't want to add this to it.

OP posts:
HildaOg · 22/06/2017 16:05

I think you need to get away from him fast. He's not trustworthy and is seriously disturbed to make up those types of lies for attention. Add to that the self harm, the demand for constant attention... He could be a danger to you too.

I'd dump him, block his social media and phone number and be really careful and wary for a couple of months. Don't feed the crazy and try to stay out of his reach until he finds someone else to play this game with.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 22/06/2017 16:12

Cut all possible contact from him, block number, block email, defriend from facebook. Warn other family members/friends he has 'form' in making up a crisis to get attention whenever you have argued, and as you have now broken up you are expecting him or his family to have a trauma of some sort, can they take it all with a big pinch of salt if he contacts any of them with a sob story as you are blocking his access to you and he might go via them.

rip off the plaster. That's no way to live.

pictish · 22/06/2017 16:14

Oh God just ditch his fantasist, controlling, manipulative arse already.

Newlife200 · 22/06/2017 16:16

Sad

StormTreader · 22/06/2017 16:17

"InvisibleKitten that's why I keep putting it off. I don't want to deal with that crap.

I know it needs to be done and I will do it in my own time but I just have so much going on already that I didn't want to add this to it."

Honestly though, this will only get worse. You're pouring energy into trying to keep him happy while working as well, its not surprising it feels exhausting to do it, but you'll free up all that mental energy once its done. Every day this goes on normalises his behaviour in your mind a little bit more.

What about when he starts really pushing to move in? It'll be far easier to eventually give in rather than keep fighting, hes already basically living there anyway, and then breaking up will look even harder because youd need to get him out somehow.

This is the easiest breaking up with him will ever be.

Beelzebop · 22/06/2017 16:20

I totally understand that you want to go at your own pace OP but I think ASAP. I have been in this situation. I would send a text to him while at work, then inform your manager that he is likely to pitch up. I say do it at work as you can then be in a fairly safe environment. Then get someone to take you home and stay, get locks sorted. He will not improve. Xxx

Shoxfordian · 22/06/2017 16:20

Yeah I agree that this will just get worse

He sounds really clingy and controlling

Ltb

rightwhine · 22/06/2017 16:21

It just gets worse with everything you post op. Please don't leave it long. The longer you leave it, the worse it will be.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 22/06/2017 16:21

OP - I can see why it seems daughting, because you're dealing with managing his behaviour. But it'll get harder the longer you leave it. He'll "need" to move in "for a bit" being kicked out or something going wrong at home. He'll realise you are getting annoyed and push to keep you more trapped, or he'll have a crisis so you look like a bitch to dump him when he's having that lump checked out/was so worried about his Dad's heart/has lost his job/his dog has the flu...

IHateUncleJamie · 22/06/2017 16:24

OP the more you post, the worse this bloke sounds. Don't "leave it" because the longer this goes on, the worse his behaviour will be when you DO end it.

You will need to change your locks assuming he has a key, and you will have to block him on all SM, phone and email. But for your own sake you need to stop this emotionally controlling relationship sooner rather than later.

IHateUncleJamie · 22/06/2017 16:25

X post with everyone else!

memyselfandaye · 22/06/2017 16:26

Put the Samaritans number in his phone, when he does threaten to harm himself just say "I thought you might say that so I've saved the number for the Samaritans in your contacts list, they can help you more than I can".

I agree with everyone else, he's clingy, needy, pathetic and controlling. Get rid!

deffoncforthis · 22/06/2017 16:29

is his job even real?

GeekyWombat · 22/06/2017 16:31

I was about to ask what Deffo did. Are you sure he's really got a job?

diddl · 22/06/2017 16:34

Oh dear it gets worse.

I totally rettract my idea of a compromise.

Get rid asap.

You know that he'll be difficult about it, but the sooner it's done, the sooner you can get back to some normality.

Anatidae · 22/06/2017 16:37

If he threatens again, call 101 (yes yes I know it's a mumsnt cliche) and tell her he's threatened to kill himself. A visit from the cops should sober him up.

Men like this can be nasty when dumped. Make sure you get your locks changed and stay safe

SweetLuck · 22/06/2017 16:42

I agree with everyone else.

LTB

Lweji · 22/06/2017 16:48

Ah, you'll need to make it fast and final. It's more complicated if you are living together, but you can end it, give him a deadline to move and maintain it regardless of what happens.
Then cut all contact.

As others said, if he threatens suicide, report it.

Greypaw · 22/06/2017 16:50

Goodness, this thread has got more concerning with every page. The fact that you say you're second guessing yourself is actually as concerning as any of the behaviours on their own - it's really good you've decided to get out, and you're wise to be planning your next move.

I understand why you've not left so far though, if it's because of wanting to avoid the potential conversations that will ensue if you actually tell him the truth about why you're leaving ("I can't believe you're dumping me because I want to talk to you" / "can't believe you're dumping me because I just want to know you're ok" / "I even buy you mushrooms" etc). Can you stick with the age-old grey-rock "I just don't feel we're compatible / want to be on my own for a while / moving to Yemen" type thing?

Anyway, I'd say you're right to be cautious about his behaviour as he's showing some textbook controlling behaviours. Being stuck in the relationship because you're afraid of his response if you leave is yet another red flag though - do you have support around you?

Goodasgoldilox · 22/06/2017 16:53

Grownup-toddler behaviour - needs boundaries.

Be firm and matter of fact.
Tell him that from now on you won't be replying to texts or looking at your phone until lunch. Form suggests he won't stick to this but you can.

Be strict - don't reply at all. (It really matters - even if you end up with a few unwanted tons of mushrooms to begin with.)

Let the texts stack up and then give a quick reply at lunch. (Make sure that school calls/texts have an identifying sound!)

astoundedgoat · 22/06/2017 16:59

Yikes. He sounds utterly mental - which I guess you know already. You seem like a rational person though, just be prepared for the cray when you dump him.

tiktok · 22/06/2017 16:59

Of course you can phone his dad and ask about the cousin.

Nacho: Oh, hi, x, it's Nacho....sorry to bother you, there's just something I need to check with you. It's about NeedyTwat's cousin....

NeedyTwat'sDad: er....which one?

Nacho: the one who died recently....

NeedyTwat'sDad: no, I can't help you, no one died.

Nacho: not killed by a hit and run driver?

NTD: No.....

Nacho: ok, sorry to have bothered you...must have got it wrong! Byeeee!

If he does say there was a cousin, you can say something about how sad that was , and then say Bye.

He might think you're a bit strange, but so what?

To me, that would be the clincher. If there is no cousin, there is no future.

To be honest, the sulking and the texting is intolerable, but the cousin thing is in a different league.

Go on. Phone the dad.

SaltySalt · 22/06/2017 17:01

always cuts/burns himself at work if we have a row

That's just bloody scary!

TheMythOfFingerprints · 22/06/2017 17:16

I'd dump him by text tbh, having packed any of his stuff that's at yours and changing the locks.

As a pp said, there'll be a crisis soon that requires him moving in with you if you don't.

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