Am I being a bitch - texts at work?

[NachoAddict]

Ok I think it might be me....

My BF has a habit of texting me whilst I am at work If it is important I reply but if its not I just leave it, we will see each other after work and I am not here to chat (I know I am being a hypocrite because I am now on MN).

If I don't reply to his text, that doesn't really require a reply, he will send me another about half an hour later saying - Are you OK babe?

Now if I do reply to his texts he would literally just have an on going conversation all day.

Today he already text me saying have a nice day, how much he loves me etc, I replied saying have a nice day, see you later, love you too.

Then he texts me random stuff, does anything need doing in the house before he goes to work? - I don't know, I am not there, use your eyes?! - I just said No Thanks.

Then more love you's...

Then he texts to say he has finished tidying up now so is going to work.

I didn't answer. Does he want a medal? well done, if I text every time I tidy up I would never be off the phone.

So because I don't answer I get another text asking if I am ok?

I just replied, no a giant alligator has broken into the office and is holding us hostage....

OK so sarcasm was unkind but we have had this conversation so many times. I am at WORK!! We see each other in the morning and in the evening. why do we need texts all day too...

I am a bitch aren't I? he is being nice and I am a horror?

I was only asking for opinions on the OP. Was I being unreasonable, seems not. I didn't ask anyone to respond to the integrated backstory. I just wanted to know if it was me.

This issue added to the others does paint a bigger picture of course and I have to look at it, some posters got a sense of that and responded accordingly but I didn't ask for or expect that. I didn't start the thread to be a drama llama, literally just to see if I needed to be more tolerant.

Oh and I also wouldn't say I am in an abusive relationship being honest, he tries to be controlling but he never raises his voice or hits me. I have been in abusive relationships and maybe that's making me over react to leaving this one but I know how nasty people get when they are loosing control of you.

I think he is more of a danger to himself than me but I know absolutely that he won't take it easily and it is sensible to take precautions incase he does turn nasty.

That's understandable, I suppose. All the best for the future 💐

@NachoAddict Abuse doesn't have to be verbal or physical to be abuse.

Emotional abuse is still abuse. Threatening suicide (as just one of the many things you have mentioned, that is not even a full list) is not normal behaviour by a LONG stretch.

I say this with kind concern and a wish for a better life for you. Not this.

Yup, not being able to get a lift with someone without him "leaving work immediately and coming to find you" is NOT normal, nor is intentionally injuring himself whenever you do something he doesnt like. Just because someone isnt physically locking you in a room at night or yelling at you doesnt mean that they are not controlling your behaviour to an abusive degree.

Thanks Flogging I can see where you are coming from though maybe I did come across overly dramatic.

Shots Thanks I will get rid and come back for lots of advice on how to avoid abusive arseholes in future, although I am definitley getting there, my choices are moving down the abuse ranks, this one is just minor leauge really.

Have you thought about doing the freedom programme? I know you've said that this is minor league in comparison, but it's still abuse. I really think it would be a good idea to do something before you even think about embarking on any future relationship

I started the freedom program after my last relationship, I had stayed single for a few years thinking it would help, then had a fling with a dangerous excon with rape fantasies. I realised the time alone hadn't helped so started the freedom program but it wasn't telling me anything I didn't know so I gave it up. I might revisit it, can't do any harm eh.

Nacho I think it would be worth it. All abuse is about control. This man gets you to change your behaviour, avoid doing things that would upset him, sulks if he doesn't get his way, threatens to harm himself/deliberately hurts himself, all by supposedly 'caring' and 'because I love you'. It's all a form of control. In many ways it's cleverer than the hitting or shouting, as it's hard to argue against it. But it's very real. Read the Lundy Bancroft book, there's this exact type of person in there.

@Jux

I am nearly 60 and had most of my working life without a mobile. Personal calls were deeply frowned upon at work. Why is it suddenly OK to be texting when at work? It's ridiculous, how can you possibly concentrate on what your doing when your phone is going off all the time?

Well I am over a decade younger than you, and I have also always worked at places where personal calls are frowned upon.

A few young people I know (18-25,) seem incensed when an older colleague - middle aged- frowns at them when they are texting, but even though it could be the first text they sent that day, the other person doesn't know if it's their 50th!

On the other hand, my niece got slated by a 50 y.o. colleague the other day for looking at a text her mother had sent her, and she got told off by her manager. Yet every single one of the seven or eight 45-55 y.o.'s who work in the office spend 5-10 minutes an hour going out for a smoke! So it's double standards.

What makes me laugh is some people on message forums, are on them posting messages half of the working day, and they claim that their employer is totally cool with it. OR they are a self employed high flying business person and are going on the internet between doing their super busy high flying job.. Yeah right We all know they're not at work really, and don't have a job. Nothing wrong with that, but why lie?

I think you can set up auto reply to texts.
"working at present. Will respond to texts after 5pm"

agree with most others.
ltb
stay safe
change the locks
let the school know that he is not to pick up dc

"...then had a fling with a dangerous excon...."

Wait, what??

How on earth do you randomly find an ex con, let alone decide he's suitable fling material after an abusive relationship?

I think you need to seek counselling because your asshole compass is non existent when it comes to choosing men.

Notknown it's interesting how times change what is acceptable and what is not! I'm not sure I agree with you about the cigarette break being equatable with texting, as at least the fag break is a concentrated 5 mins and then back to work, while the text thing can be almost constant interruption, whenever, with no real end. Even if there are 3 or 4 fag breaks as well as lunch break, they're contained and the smoker chooses when and generally doesn't choose times when they're in the middle of something which requires concentration or with a deadline looming. Those texts can come in at any time.

Once upon a time, I went to OU tutorials once a month on a Saturday morning. DH would call whenever about nothing, despite knowing that I would finish at 1pm and be unable to do anything about anything until then. In the end I took the battery out of my phone. After being ignored for a few times he stopped calling and just texted. Not getting replies to those either, he just stopped. He was quite determined for a while though.

I found that much harder to deal with than the 'comfort breaks' people took for smokes. Everyone else found the bloody texts more distracting too!

OP, I really think that one good thing to come out of this is that you have found that you are not out of the woods vis a bis abusive partners, yet, and that while the Freedom Programme may not have told you much in its first weeks, it may have quite a lot to teach you over its whole length, and that it would probably be worth sticking with it. Or getting counselling in some other way.