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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being a bitch - texts at work?

265 replies

NachoAddict · 22/06/2017 10:48

Ok I think it might be me....

My BF has a habit of texting me whilst I am at work If it is important I reply but if its not I just leave it, we will see each other after work and I am not here to chat (I know I am being a hypocrite because I am now on MN).

If I don't reply to his text, that doesn't really require a reply, he will send me another about half an hour later saying - Are you OK babe?

Now if I do reply to his texts he would literally just have an on going conversation all day.

Today he already text me saying have a nice day, how much he loves me etc, I replied saying have a nice day, see you later, love you too.

Then he texts me random stuff, does anything need doing in the house before he goes to work? - I don't know, I am not there, use your eyes?! - I just said No Thanks.

Then more love you's...

Then he texts to say he has finished tidying up now so is going to work.

I didn't answer. Does he want a medal? well done, if I text every time I tidy up I would never be off the phone.

So because I don't answer I get another text asking if I am ok?

I just replied, no a giant alligator has broken into the office and is holding us hostage....

OK so sarcasm was unkind but we have had this conversation so many times. I am at WORK!! We see each other in the morning and in the evening. why do we need texts all day too...

I am a bitch aren't I? he is being nice and I am a horror?

OP posts:
SocksRock · 22/06/2017 11:05

And my DH drives a lot, and likes a chat during the day. He would never, ever moan if I didn't answer. Even if I'm at home, as I only work part time.

pictish · 22/06/2017 11:06

Yanbu OP that would get on my nerves. You have explained your stance on this and he is on dodgy ground pushing it. Honestly, ignore anything you cba to reply to and subsequent 'are you ok?' messages. Repeat until understood.

Is he clingy in other ways?

DixieFlatline · 22/06/2017 11:06

He's taking the piss but you need to stop replying if you've said you can't reply.

DH used to get wound up when I sent him messages at work - I had to make it clear that I only need an answer if I actually say I need an answer in the message (which is only the case about five times a year), otherwise it's generally just a bit of info that doesn't need a reply unless he's also feeling like chatting to me.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 22/06/2017 11:06

You need to reply, "can't talk. Working.". Every time.

My DM always pulls the "are you ok?" She knows it requires a response. I did honesty, then sarcasm and now I just don't reply until I'm ready regardless of the guilt trip.

ToothFairiesHaveNoChange · 22/06/2017 11:06

Block his number during work hours.😁

Original poster
NachoAddict · 22/06/2017 11:08

I will send my work number into the school and ask them to contact me on that. They usually just use my mobile because I work different hours so it is easier than trying to remember if I will be at work.

I am so glad it's not just me. I was wondering if I am just being unfair. It's not like he is being nasty or anything, just irritating.

If I don't reply he just thinks of other things to text me and ends up getting a huff on.

OP posts:
DixieFlatline · 22/06/2017 11:10

Actually it's kind of the opposite way round when DH is at home. I work from home and can often do so in the early evening, DH's PC is next to mine and I can be obviously working, and say 'I AM WORKING, STOP' multiple times before he'll stop trying to show me random irrelevant shit he's just seen on Facebook or whatever. My job is not the kind where I can just break my concentration every ten minutes to laugh at a bloody Facebook video.

Anyway the point of that was actually that DH seems to think I can slack off my work, despite not being able to slack off himself when busy at work either. It's a bit odd.

ThymeLord · 22/06/2017 11:10

I'd stop replying or block his number between 8-5pm each day. That level of neediness would turn me right off.

Veterinari · 22/06/2017 11:12

Just stop replying. Every time you respond you are showing that you're willing to engage in a text-conversation. Just stop.

Floggingmolly · 22/06/2017 11:12

Jesus, how needy Hmm. Doesn't he understand that you might be, you know, actually working when his inane text pings through?

DixieFlatline · 22/06/2017 11:12

Ah, my DH doesn't get in a huff though, which is important. Nor do I if he can't reply.

Even if I end up half-shouting I AM WORKING FOR FUCK'S SAKE when it's the third time in an hour, he has the grace to at least pretend to be genuinely sorry.

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 22/06/2017 11:14

I was going to say the same as tooth.

Tell him you aren't allowed to text at work and you will no longer answer his messages. Then ignore them all. He sounds bloody irritating.

Not the same but I am a SAHM and DH works, sometimes he texts me trivial shit and sometimes he texts me when he wil see me in half an hour. I find it annoying and either don't answer or just 1 word answers like "ok'. I find this constant 24 hour contact quite irritating. The other day I was at my exercise class and he had taken DCs to their activity. I leave my phone at home luckily as I got home to find a message saying X wasn't at the activity, another child. Not information I need to know anyway and if it had gone off in my class I may have thought it was important and gone to check my phone just to see that pointless message.

pictish · 22/06/2017 11:15

Ignore them. Send him a friendly one at the end of the day so he can't accuse you of being off with him. He'll soon get bored of no response and he'll give up.

If he persists with this or gets angry, you might want to consider why he feels the need to be such a factor in your day.

diddl · 22/06/2017 11:15

No of course youy're not being a bitch.

Loved your reply.

"does anything need doing in the house before he goes to work? "- I think that I would have replied with your thoughts!Grin

I don't suppose it would work to have set times for a quick chat?

His wanting to chat isn't more important than your not wanting to/being too busy to.

Original poster
NachoAddict · 22/06/2017 11:15

Personally I don't need any extra contact during work hours. We say good bye in the morning and see each other when we both get home, more than enough for me unless there is something genuinely important to say. Seems I am actually more the norm.

He literally can't leave the house without ringing me, or me leave the house.

OP posts:
MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 22/06/2017 11:16

Oh and MIL does it to DH. Will text him at work, then phone if he doesn't answer, then gets either pissy or upset because he isn't responding despite him telling her he is at work. She will still only contact him during work hours. She is also very needy.

pictish · 22/06/2017 11:17

Is he needy, intense or clingy in other areas OP?

TheEponymousGrub · 22/06/2017 11:20

If I don't reply he ...ends up getting a huff on
I think this is important. Can you have a conversation with him about that? Eg., remind him that you've already explained that you can't chat in work; and say that you think that for him to still get resentful about it, is unreasonable and maybe a bit controlling...?

Original poster
NachoAddict · 22/06/2017 11:20

Diddl I suppose that could work, but he is on different shift so not sure when his breaks are each day.

I think leaving my mobile in my bag and making sure have my desk number is the way to go.

I don't want to hurt his feelings but he needs to back off a little.

OP posts:
SisterhoodisPowerful · 22/06/2017 11:21

It's controlling rather than needy. He's putting his need to text/ call above your need to do your job without being fired for time wasting. It's quite shitty behaviour when you've asked him repeatedly to stop. I'd sit him down tonight and give him one last chance: either he stops texting you at work to demand your attention like a toddler or you'll be ending the relationship. He's an adult. He can wait 7 hours for a response to non-emergencies. Like buying mushrooms Hmm

ToothFairiesHaveNoChange · 22/06/2017 11:21

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn
I quite often blocked DP when I was at work if he was off as it was a steady stream of shite. He knew If it was important enough he could ring the work line, but he never did. Grin

NavyandWhite · 22/06/2017 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Excitedforxmas · 22/06/2017 11:24

Tell him you've been bollocked for using your phone too much

Original poster
NachoAddict · 22/06/2017 11:24

Wow I couldn't cope with it from anyone else too! His Mum? She needs to let go!

I think another conversation tonight is due.

Yes he is clingy in all aspects of life. He is quite a lot younger than me, 31 - 22 so perhaps his age has a lot to do with it.

OP posts:
StormTreader · 22/06/2017 11:24

That kind of constant enforced beck-and-call contact drives me INSANE.

" rings and rings and rings until I answer. If I say I am busy he says well its not hard to answer for 2 mins and say that is it."

Oh HELL no, he doesnt get to decide to pull you away from whatever youre doing just because hes decided to ring, it feels like hes blowing a dog whistle and then complaining because you didnt come running promptly.
That kind of thing sounds like insecurity, he wants you to answer every time because hes checking youre actually at home like you said you were, or that youre not off with some other man.

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