Am I being a bitch - texts at work?

[NachoAddict]

Ok I think it might be me....

My BF has a habit of texting me whilst I am at work If it is important I reply but if its not I just leave it, we will see each other after work and I am not here to chat (I know I am being a hypocrite because I am now on MN).

If I don't reply to his text, that doesn't really require a reply, he will send me another about half an hour later saying - Are you OK babe?

Now if I do reply to his texts he would literally just have an on going conversation all day.

Today he already text me saying have a nice day, how much he loves me etc, I replied saying have a nice day, see you later, love you too.

Then he texts me random stuff, does anything need doing in the house before he goes to work? - I don't know, I am not there, use your eyes?! - I just said No Thanks.

Then more love you's...

Then he texts to say he has finished tidying up now so is going to work.

I didn't answer. Does he want a medal? well done, if I text every time I tidy up I would never be off the phone.

So because I don't answer I get another text asking if I am ok?

I just replied, no a giant alligator has broken into the office and is holding us hostage....

OK so sarcasm was unkind but we have had this conversation so many times. I am at WORK!! We see each other in the morning and in the evening. why do we need texts all day too...

I am a bitch aren't I? he is being nice and I am a horror?

This man is dangerous, please be careful OP. I'd be ringing Women's Aid for help in planning how to get rid of him safely. He doesn't have access to your online stuff does he? Like MN?
Definitely let your manager, kids school know and get the locks changed. You are doing the right thing.

Do you have family support? X

Also go onto your local paper and type in cousins name (or surname if you don't know full)

Thanks for understanding, I know it makes a less exciting thread but real life if like that sometimes.

I am sure there will be updates once I am rid of him

The cousin was from London and we live up north, I don't know his name or the area he was from. His dad hasn't replied either.

Sounds like a very good plan, Nacho 💐

Been a bit busywith the kids

It might be worth you starting to be really really busy with the kids for the foreseeable. You know, start stopping seeing him, be a grey rock, be dull, tired, busy, yada yada yada. Let it fade out.

Sensible to have a plan in place. I dumped an ex who was very similar and he didn't go quietly! Not dangerous or anything like that but lots of phone calls and hints at hurting himself or suicide. What worked to get rid of him for good was calling his mum and saying "look we've broken up but he's not handling well and he keeps calling me to say he will kill himself"

He was incensed that I had told his family what he was doing (probably because he had no intention of ever hurting himself and had just made himself look like a dick) but they collectively gave his head a wobble for him and he left me alone.

Then I didn't take my phone to the school, Que 3 more texts and then a picture of his thumb all bandaged up. He always cuts/burns himself at work if we have a row. Maybe clumsiness because he is distracted but more likely to make me feel sorry for him and forgive him.

I'm glad you're breaking up with him and are planning to do it 'safely'. This is highly manipulative behaviour and I recognize it well. My ex was the same. Always injured himself or was ill if we'd had a disagreement (broken toe, broken nose, pulled muscles, banged head, vomiting, headaches, refusing to do anything but sit in the bedroom in the dark acting like he felt he was dying) and if I told him I was going to be out and busy (with non-work stuff, thankfully he left me alone at work!) after work or at the weekends, there would be an emergency, cue long strings of texts and voicemails and missed calls with me ending up either apologising to him for being unavailable or having to leave what I was doing to rescue him/come home and help him with something (flat tyres, broken headlight, forgot his keys, forgot the garage door fob, lost wallet with no money for petrol to get home, flooded kitchen, broken sink, couldn't find one of the pets... and those are just the ones I remember) He either had very conveniently timed bad luck and very quick resolution times or he was a liar -- on the occasions that I went to help him, he had miraculously resolved the problem himself and no longer needed me, but by then I was always home or almost home anyway.

When I broke up with him he went nutso with texting alternating from aggressive and threatening to begging and apologising, and banging on my door at all hours. So lock change is good, and perhaps a phone that enables you to block text messages from specific people (iPhones do this) would also be a good investment if you don't already have one.

you are absolutely right, you must put the safety of you and your DC ahead of everything.

I completely understand why you'd want proof if he lied about the dead cousin... You'd have a smoking gun and could cut off all contact much more swiftly. He probably wouldn't put up as huge of a fight either (compared to the "this isn't working for me")

Are there any pet hates he has about his ex? Could you suddenly develop them? Put him off you? Start going out? Be secretive about it? He'd probably quickly accuse you of cheating and you could use it as an opportunity to break up due to the lack of trust.

It seems there are so many of these men around. Glad you all managed to get away safely.

Speaking to his mum could help that's a good idea if he does start with guilt trips.

Trollspoop yep that was my logic too, he can't much argue with the cousin lie but if I say this isn't working he will just promise to change and beg for another chance. (Have tried thos before with him) something indisputable would be handy.

Regarding previous PPs saying tell him why you are dumping him, personally from previous experience which was very similar - please DON'T! He will promise to change and probably will do drastically for a short while and then not very slowly revert to normal form - then you'll be back to square one

Just tell him you don't want to be with him any more. Even if you decide to lie and say 'it's not you, it's me' or 'I've just realised a lesbian' or 'I'm going to be abducted by aliens next Tuesday and they only take women' , anything rather than giving him a slim chance of trying to be 'better' or any option of continuing a dialogue where he will try prove he can be what you want

And yes... your plan to 'get your ducks in a row' (MN cliche I believe?!) definitely do that - change locks, get a plan in place for your safety and that of DC. Very, very sensible

Good luck - he sounds like a control freak and they are hard work to be with and often harder work to get shot of - but when it is over you will feel so relieved

fizzygreenwater nailed it. Now I will go back and read the rest of the thread.

Op you are doing great, you are sensible, strong and sound like a nice person.

I hope that you manage to disconnect from this man safely.

My lovely dh was in a relationship with a woman who used the self harm manipulation to keep him in line, it has taken him years to de-program himself from her abusive controlling manipulative behaviour. He is doing so well now, really has spread his wings and is no longer seeing things through a warped abused filter. She really was something else, spitting image of his mother by all accounts. Therapy helped him and something I would suggest you have, so that you do not end up repeating this cycle with a future partner.

Good luck Op and do not hesitate to phone the police if you need to.

Might be a good idea to give the kids school a heads up as to what is happening.

and (((hugs)))

If you think he can't argue when faced with a blatant, proven lie you have underestimated the creative abilities of men like this.
If he has told such a disgusting lie to begin with he will have no qualms about continuing it, no matter how fantastical and non sensical the subsequent lies need to be for him to cover his arse or at least make you feel so crazy and disorientated you never mention dead cousin again.
The fact you are even doubting him on that tells you everything, your gut is screaming at you that he cannot be trusted. Listen to it. I wish I had (can you tell I'm speaking from bitter experience?)

Op, fuck the "exciting thread" bollocks.

The most - actually, only - important thing here is that you stay safe. And if that means playing the long game then so be it.

Is it feasible to start to detach yourself slowly?

Jesus. He sounds exhausting.

Leaving a relationship is dangerous, it makes sense to plan it carefully and pick my moment for minimum disruption

See, that's the thing. Leaving a normal relationship isn't dangerous at all. You have a discussion, maybe tears, attempts at persuading you to change your mind - but at no point does anyone feel threatened or in danger. The very fact you think it's dangerous demonstrates why you need to get out, but you are right, you need to do it safely.

I really think counselling at some point may help. Just to help you recognise red flags earlier and to make sure you know how to set strong boundaries in future relationships.

Jesus, op . How do you go from "Honestly, he's so annoying, texting all the time about trivia!" to "Leaving a relationship is dangerous, I'll have to plan my getaway very, very carefully" over the course of a few hours???
Either you're in an abusive relationship or you're not. You'd presumably know if you were. You sound like you have a flair for the dramatic, tbh.

You can't be serious flogging i had no idea I was in an abusive relationship, not for years and I'm far from the only one. It starts so slowly and is so cleverly normalised by the abuser that many women don't know. Please stop victim blaming and educate yourself.

I'm not "victim" blaming . Op is not a victim.

Molly, in what way is the OP not a victim?
Do you personally know her and of her circumstances?

What she described from the start was worrying. Only someone who thinks controlling behaviour is OK wouldn't think it was worrying.

Molly you have no idea of my circumstances. Just because I chose to post about the one annoying issue that I thought perhaps I WAS being unreasonable about, doesnt mean that it is the only issue and not by a long shot, I just know that the other issues definitley AREN'T me.

There are lots of things he does and has done, some on this thread, some on other threads and some I have kept private.

Asking advice on one issue does not require the poster to disclose a full and frank life circumstance review, they are asking advice on one tiny aspect.

Thanks though, I will keep in mind that I am just being dramatic when he threatens suicide, bangs on my door at all hours etc.

Fair enough. There's a huge unrevealed backstory... Most people respond based on the op, not what may or may not also be happening behind the scenes.
Good luck 🍀