Am I being a bitch - texts at work?

[NachoAddict]

Ok I think it might be me....

My BF has a habit of texting me whilst I am at work If it is important I reply but if its not I just leave it, we will see each other after work and I am not here to chat (I know I am being a hypocrite because I am now on MN).

If I don't reply to his text, that doesn't really require a reply, he will send me another about half an hour later saying - Are you OK babe?

Now if I do reply to his texts he would literally just have an on going conversation all day.

Today he already text me saying have a nice day, how much he loves me etc, I replied saying have a nice day, see you later, love you too.

Then he texts me random stuff, does anything need doing in the house before he goes to work? - I don't know, I am not there, use your eyes?! - I just said No Thanks.

Then more love you's...

Then he texts to say he has finished tidying up now so is going to work.

I didn't answer. Does he want a medal? well done, if I text every time I tidy up I would never be off the phone.

So because I don't answer I get another text asking if I am ok?

I just replied, no a giant alligator has broken into the office and is holding us hostage....

OK so sarcasm was unkind but we have had this conversation so many times. I am at WORK!! We see each other in the morning and in the evening. why do we need texts all day too...

I am a bitch aren't I? he is being nice and I am a horror?

This relationship is doomed

Start keeping a little note written down in your phone of all the times hes sulky or off with you. I bet it will be illuminating.

Shots Did you feel mean that he wants to talk to you but you don't?

How is work going? xxxx

Reply - some twat keeps interupting me with pointless drivel.

Oh right!!!

Your last post is utterly illuminating.

Sorry but in a very cheery friendly way I am advising you very sincerely to dump him!

Less than a year? All this behaviour will get worse. And YES - he has all the hallmarks of a nasty controller. Oh, you're not rally seeing that now. It's been less than a year, it's still the honeymoon period. But here's the tick list -

• sly digs. Sly digs in cahoot with your ex? Nasty. Just because you bat it off quite well, doesn't make it any less nasty.

• whining and neediness, but actually with a core of steel - if you put your foot down it's tantrum time.

• real, real need to know where you are and what you are doing and insert himself into that. Mushrooms? He is literally busting a gut to make sure he is disturbing you at work. He's not nice at all.

• also, you are clearly pretty laid back wrt folk - and exes - which is nice but also a red flag. In brief, if you're being nice enough to your ex to allow him to use you as a base for contact with his child, and in the context of that he still thinks it's ok to laugh along with your current BF in calling you a bitch, then no matter how 'lighthearted' it is - you are being walked over and slapped down in your own home. Stop this. Get your ex alone (once you've dropped nobhead) and tell him in no uncertain terms that he shows you some damn repsect in your OWN HOME in front of YOUR CHILDREN or he finds another unofficial contact centre.

Stand back and have a look at all this. You sound great, and tough, but there are two men here who are wiping their bloody shoes on you. Two men you're allowing into your life who both sound - as you say - like nobheads.

Get this attitude gone. Get rid of this boyfriend, you can do a LOT better.

Last post as in 11.53. Moved on a bit since then!

It's not like he is being nasty or anything, just irritating. If I don't reply he.. ends up getting a huff on

Not only is this a sigh of needy/co-dependent behaviour, but it's also symptomatic of a controlling trait in a person.

he spends most nights at mine unless I specifically ask him not to and then I get so much sulking about that!

So he's immature and also tries to emotionally blackmail you into normalising his behaviour?

Sounds like you've got a teenager on your hands than an adult.
A suffocating one at that.

I couldn't put up with this.
I would find that level of neediness/insecurity/emotional manipulation a huge turn-off.....you want an equal partner, not someone who you have to 'mother'

Less than a year and he's already manipulating you into responding to unnecessary messages at work? This kind of behaviour is a huge red flag. It's not normal and you shouldn't have to adjust settings on your phone to stop him from bothering you at work. Equally, if he cared you would only need one conversation about this. Multiple conversations about an action that reflects poorly on you at work is evidence of his totally disregard for your boundaries and your ability to put a roof over your kid's head.

He sulks if he can't stay over?

Oh good god...

Ok, with that update OP, honestly just leave him.

You've been together under a year, he doesn't respect your boundaries and he bitches about you with your ex.

What are his good points?!

The bitching about me to my ex would have me running far far away.

Yep!

Start the process of dumping him by sending this -

'Work's a bit shit today actually, some utter nob keeps trying their best to interrupt me with stupid texts. Some people are so controlling!'

God i could not put up with this and it'll only get worse. Why does he constantly feel he has to be intouch with you.

Raises some flags for me

He sounds very immature. Maybe it's run his course and you have just outgrown him. The sulking is very unattractive!

No that's too much. Too clingy imo. I would not appreciate it especially if i am very busy. Keep talking all day then what will you talk about in the evening? Unless its an emergency or somethings up i don't contact my OH as he would get well pissed off and eventually ignore me. Have a word with him. Also your colleagues won't be happy to see you on your personal phone all the time. Irritating but can be solved..

You've been together under a year, he doesn't respect your boundaries and he bitches about you with your ex.
What are his good points?!
He can always be relied on to buy mushrooms

Nike That actually made me laugh, at my desk, at work.

I have actually been thinking that it has run its course and I need to dump him for a bit, we are just too different, I don't want to be with someone clingy. I keep putting it off because I hate confrontation if I know the other person is going to be hurt.

Ok... so at first I thought he just needs telling about the texts during work and that he is quite young and probably in his first serious relationship so needs to learn a bit of etiquette... and then you updated the thing about him and your ex making jokes at your expense trying to make you out to be the bad one.
Nah... he is trying to control you. Find another place for the ex to meet up with his children and consider ditching the bf.

I build up to ending it and then I talk myself into thinking it is me with the problem.

He obviously adores me, would do anything for me, pulls his weight around the house, buys me flowers, we have a good sexual relationship.

Then he is clingy, needy, Sulky, jealous, possessive etc. I cant cope with it, as someone upthread said its like having a toddler!

He doesn't sound nice or slightly irritating at all - he sounds needy and exceptionally controlling!

I'm on my lunch break now and text DP to say hi (we don't live together) and he hasn't replied as he's on a job. I haven't then proceeded to bombard him with texts, ring him and get in a huff

Just dump him - that's too much hassle for a year in!

Now I have a bloody whatsapp! Not opened it because then he will know that I have seen it but he is getting borderline stalker here!

OP - he does the nice stuff so that you won't leave him! So that you believe he's a nice guy who loves you. He doesn't love you. He just wants to control you.

There are so many red flags here - run before you get in any further.

Nike

I think you know what you need to do OP. It took me months to finish with my needy partner but I'm so glad I did. This thread has helped me to feel a bit better about it actually because dumping someone for wanting to chat with you seems a bit unfair but linking being needy with being controlling is a helpful way to think about it. Good luck!

My ex was like this.. calling non stop until I answered my phone. I was in a lab at uni and you're not allowed to drink in the lab for fear of contamination, let alone use your phone. 2 and a half hours I was away from my phone and I had 56 missed calls.

He was diagnosed with anxiety and depression near the start of our relationship and it was partly to do with that, he would be very anxious if I didn't answer. It was also absolutely about knowing where I was and who I was with though.

Your DP sounds very immature in that it's not just about talking to you all day long but stropping if he doesn't get to stay at your house. You can't put the immaturity all down to his age because I'm not that far off it and nobody in my group of friends acts like this toward their partner (that I know of).

I agree with PPs that there are some major red flags in his behaviour and at this stage it's probably easier to get rid.

Nothing wrong with texting a lot, but if you are incompatible on this front then it doesn't work.

Sulky/jealous/possessive: just no. Get rid of him.

If he cant respect your boundaries and wishes then it doesnt really matter how good he is at hoovering.

Summer You just summed it up so well, it feels mean and nasty dumping someone because they love you and miss you and want to chat...

But I know I have to do it, I just need to grow a pair.