Am I being a bitch - texts at work?

[NachoAddict]

Ok I think it might be me....

My BF has a habit of texting me whilst I am at work If it is important I reply but if its not I just leave it, we will see each other after work and I am not here to chat (I know I am being a hypocrite because I am now on MN).

If I don't reply to his text, that doesn't really require a reply, he will send me another about half an hour later saying - Are you OK babe?

Now if I do reply to his texts he would literally just have an on going conversation all day.

Today he already text me saying have a nice day, how much he loves me etc, I replied saying have a nice day, see you later, love you too.

Then he texts me random stuff, does anything need doing in the house before he goes to work? - I don't know, I am not there, use your eyes?! - I just said No Thanks.

Then more love you's...

Then he texts to say he has finished tidying up now so is going to work.

I didn't answer. Does he want a medal? well done, if I text every time I tidy up I would never be off the phone.

So because I don't answer I get another text asking if I am ok?

I just replied, no a giant alligator has broken into the office and is holding us hostage....

OK so sarcasm was unkind but we have had this conversation so many times. I am at WORK!! We see each other in the morning and in the evening. why do we need texts all day too...

I am a bitch aren't I? he is being nice and I am a horror?

Oh - He doesn't even LIKE mushrooms! I am the only person in the house that eats them.

How long have you been together and has he always been like this?

It would drive me absolutely batshit btw - there just isn't any need for it

When I was a SAHM, (before mobiles) my ex used to ring me several times a day. He was checking up on me.

What's your BF like otherwise?

I agree with the others, just ignore his texts. You've asked him repeatedly to stop and he's totally ignoring you. He doesn't deserve the courtesy of a reply.

i don't know why posters are suggesting settings etc

just text him DO NOT TEXT ME AT WORK UNLESS IT'S AN EMERGENCY.

if he gets all butt hurt, he's a needy weirdo and you might want to reconsider the whole thing.

sorry to say but one colleague had this constant checking from her husband....he turned out to be shagging another woman nearly daily and that's why he was always checking on his wife.

My husband does this. Or he did.

He mostly doesn't require a response and is just bored (or yes, wants a medal because he has done something 🥇) but sometimes he'll text me something inane and then '??'

I Had Words. Said most of the time I can respond but if I don't it's because I'm working!

(Don't get me started about when I respond to something a couple of hours later and he's apparently not only forgotten he asked but also lost the ability to read the text above my response 🙄)

I agree with Sisterhood it's controlling behaviour that needs to stop before you end up in trouble at work and/or his behaviour escalating to him ringing if you don't reply straight away to his texts.

This would drive me mad. I work in a hospital so can't text immediately or even chat.

At first I was going to say yes YABU but after reading on the constant texting about unimportant stuff would do my head in. As another reader said he sounds a bit needy and like he's checking up on you.

I would set up a do not disturb bar the school number. Easy to do.

He sounds really clingyThe constant texts would drive me nuts and really put me off. His behaviour is just not normal and he needs to understand this. Discuss with him tonight and let him know that you can't text him while at work. I think he will only stop if you do this and then don't respond to texts for a few hours (unless genuinely important!).

My XP was like this, we didn't live together so sometimes it would be all evening too even though I said I was doing something else. If I went on Facebook he'd notice and immediately send me a message through that. I felt smothered. He was in his 50s so not an age thing! It's part of the reason he's an ex, along with other general neediness. Don't change your behaviour around school calls, just ignore him either by blocking his number during the day or just not replying and repeatedly telling him when you get home you can't chat during the day.

Turn your phone off at work and give the school the office landline number.

Can you set up an automatic message? Something like: "speak to you later."

You are not one iota being a bitch. You are a normal person. He is, at best, a needy baby who needs reminding every 5 seconds you still like him, or perhaps an anxious wreck who needs constant reassurance you're alive, and at worst, he is gearing up to be the sort of controlling jerk whose texts - if you ignored them - would turn nasty. It's a slippery slope from 5 "Are you OK?" texts a day to "Who are you with?" and so on.

Personally I find endless 'I love yous' and stuff creepy, needy and stifling, not remotely attractive. It's fake. They're not doing it because they 'love' you, they're doing it because they're checking where you are. It's the step below accusing you of having an affair. People's actions speak louder than their childish texts, and his actions are "I have literally nothing better to do than bug you all day, disrespecting your work, disrespecting your loyalty."

"If I say I am busy he says well its not hard to answer for 2 mins and say that is it." Alarm bell. "If I don't reply he... ends up getting a huff on." Alarm bell.

"Tell him you've been bollocked for using your phone too much" - erm, women don't have to lie to men when their behaviour is shitty. Our feelings do not have to be hidden behind 'someone else made me do it' excuses.

How long have you been together? This would put me right off.

No YABU.
Tell him again that it has to stop - you aren't allowed to make personal calls/send texts during working hours. Tell him the office have been reminded not to and they will be cracking down on mobile phone use.
Then ignore, ignore, ignore.

Oops sorry that should say YANBU!!

Just tell him. Tell him that it's fine, you love him and you will let him know if that changes, but in the meantime you CANNOT answer your phone during the day and WILL NOT BE responding to every message.

My son is 23. He doesn't text all day, every day to anyone. It's not an age thing, it's a him thing. He needs to grow up and be self reliant.

" but he is on different shift so not sure when his breaks are each day."

Well if that won't work then he'll just have to learn to cope.

It was just a suggestion of a compromise.

But as said, it's not important & you're not at work to chat-even if you wanted to!

This would be a deal breaker for me. I could not live with that behaviour. As a PP said, I think it's bordering on controlling.

Well it seems unanimous that its not me so I am glad about that. I always second guess myself when it seems he is doing something nice and I am just horrible. Him and my ex always have a good old laugh about what a bitch I am with split personalities......

I just tell them I have a low tolerance for nob heads.

(My exes comes round to see our son and his daughter from a previous relationship because his circumstances are such that he doesn't have anywhere to take them/spend time with them, so his daughter comes to mine and then he comes to see both children together)

We have been together less than a year, we don't actually live together but he spends most nights at mine unless I specifically ask him not to and then I get so much sulking about that!

You need to have a very firm conversation where you tell him you just won't be replying from now on until he gets out of the habit of disturbing you. And stick to it.

Same with the home phone. Unplug it during the dinner prep/busy times if he's out. 'Oh I unplugged it - I knew you would ring and ring and ring for no reason if I didn't'.

Needy and controlling are sometimes different sides of the same coin. You've told him this is unhelpful behaviour... and yet, he carries on. Maybe a sad face and a 'I wish you truly cared for me more... It's so hurtful when I see you deliberately disturb me at work' might sting a bit.

@VivienneWestwoodsKnickers My partner is the same, but with sodding phone calls...Mine just likes to talk to people. Anyone. He rings random friends and family all the time. Which is lovely, but so inconvenient.

Mine too. He can't go a single journey without needing to call someone (usually more than one, and usually including me). The other day he'd been out all day at an activity quite far away, without a single call, not even on the drive back. Then he calls me from the co-op round the corner...

"What's up?" I ask.
"Nothing"
"Why are you calling, you'll be home in a minute!?"
"I just wanted to talk to you!"
"What about?"
"Nothing!"
"..."

At least you can call the shots regarding your home then. Don't move him in. Move him on. My advice.

Well having ignored the mushroom text at 11.02 I have now got -

How is work going? xxxx

So that's getting ignored too. I am sure he has work to be doing himself.