17 year old girl rules

[jennettestar22]

AIBU with my rules? My daughter is 17 years old with a 4.0 GPA and pretty good choice of friends. She does not seem to respect me and gets frustrated with my rules quite often. On school nights I do not allow her to go out in the evening and she must be home for dinner ever day at 5:45pm unless otherwise discussed ahead of time. She has a curfew of 10:00pm on weekends and I take her phone away every night at 9:30pm. She has had issues with sleep before and being on her phone too late. She argues that since these rules were set in place when she was 15 after finding out that she lied about some of her activities (not drugs or anything) and that she has changed enough to be able to have some freedom. I only allow her to spend time with her boyfriend 3 times a week for less than 2 hours for most and she argues that they do not even go to the same school and do not get to talk to him but I know she texts. Her boyfriend is quite respectful but I know they have had sex and I hate his mom. I am just wondering about all of this because my 17 year old has said shes talked to many people who think that it is all ridiculous but i'd like a mom's opinion??

You are treating your 17yo like a child, just when she is maturing into adulthood - but ultimately your roof, your rules.

Are you American btw?

I left home at 17 because my parents were kind of controlling.

They were nowhere near as bad as you are.

You're pushing her away and stifling her. Give her back her phone and stop demanding her home for tea.

Yes it's ridiculous, she will end up hating you, if she doesn't already. She's not a child, she's a young adult, I was younger than her when I left home. Why should she respect you when you clearly have no respect for her? Why are you treating her like this?

Not sure about the GPA thing. Are you American? Is that high achieving?

I have a high achieving 17 year old. I have never taken her phone off her. She doesn't have a curfew.

I expect her to tell me if she is going to miss dinner. Sometimes she forgets. She rarely goes out on college nights; I wouldn't try and stop her. She goes out on the weekend, to parties and gatherings and gigs.

She has never asked to have a boy sleepover. Currently she is dating a girl. She has slept over there so I spect we will be reciprocating soon.

My DD is actually quite sensible so she gets a lot of rope.

She's 17. Let her have a life! I know 17 is still high school age in the US but why on earth are you limiting her to 2hrs with her boyfriend and locking her in the house on weeknights? I'm not surprised she lied.

You need to trust her and let her grow up. She's virtually an adult now. It's time you relinquished control.

I think the mealtimes are fair enough as you need to know who will be there, but everything else is ott I think.

YABU
I give my 10 year old DS more freedom than that, just about.
Lighten up ffs

Also, her sex life is none of your business x

We never had rules at home. I did what I wanted, but I was a good kid. Didn't care much about school, but I did okay. I know if there had been rules, I would have rebelled. Your daughter doesn't seem like trouble, you need to trust her...

DSD has just turned 18.

My DH is incredibly over protective of her and would have wrapped in cotton wool forever if he could and we have had many a argument that he is being overbearing

She got her first boyfriend at 15. Came to me and explained they had protected sex and she wanted to go on to birth control. I explained she would have to wait until 16 as I couldn't encourage her to have sex underage. We have a very open relationship and I explained to her that I had lost my virginity at 14 and wished I had waited longer and that just because they had sex doesn't mean she should be rushed to do it again. Her Dad was fuming but he needed to realise she was growing up and was bound to experiment.

At 16 she went on to birth control and we allowed her boyfriend to stay over provided they slept with the bedroom door open as we felt it inappropriate for them to have sex while DD was in the house and me and DH. I'm well aware they did while we weren't home but I made DH realise they would do it regardless and it better under our roof them on a park bench or in an alleyway somewhere. I met his mum and she seemed perfectly normal but couldn't say I knew her well enough to form an opinion- but it wasn't my place to have one as it wasn't my relationship and it doesn't really matter anyway. Her boyfriend was a lovely guy, hard working etc. They broke up about 3 months ago as they were going to go to university together but DD is now staying home and going to one locally. A shame but they made the decision as near adults to realise it wouldn't work out for them. Who knows if he will turn up again in the future.

It's the same with everything- drinking, driving, going out etc. I've had to stand up to my DH many a time to point out his little girl isn't so little anymore and I won't stand for it with DD either.

DSD, while she does love her Dad, does feel suffocated by him and he's pushing her away. It is sad to say but I have a closer relationship with her now a days then he does because he can be that overbearing she doesn't want to tell him anything.

You need to cut the apron strings OP. I'm sorry but you do

Oh my gosh... Where to start.

Well, mine is 15 1/2 (in the UK if that makes a difference), and I'm waaaay less strict than you.

Don't know what a 4.0 GPA is, and sure my DD doesn't have it! Most of her friends seem lovely, though.

On school nights I do not allow her to go out in the evening and she must be home for dinner ever day at 5:45pm unless otherwise discussed ahead of time.
Wowsers! Ok, well mine does after school activities (until between 5 - 6 x 3 nights of the week, and the other 2 she really appreciates hanging with mates (going for a drink or just being together) straight from school.

On two weeknights she has extra-curiccular activities that I pay for (one sport, one drama) and ferry her to and from. We get home around 9:30pm

She will semi-often have a (local) friend pop over, or visit one of them on the days she doesn't have clubs. Sometimes they go to the park. Eating has to happen before or after these meet ups. She self-imposes a curfew of around 8:30.

We don't impose a bed time, but on school nights, it's understood she'll go up at 9 - 9:30ish for shower and tooth clean. And unwritten it's in bed/off devices by 10.

She has a curfew of 10:00pm on weekends
Blimey, that's early!!!! If DD has a match on a w/end morning or training, then school-night rules apply. If not, there's no official bedtime or curfew, although I wouldn't want or allow her to travel home on her own (she usually goes to sleepovers in any case).

I take her phone away every night at 9:30pm.
I don't, but we've made it clear to her that we don't expect her to be on-line after bedtime. She doesn't WANT to be woken by the night owls or early risers. And we monitor her phone use.

when she was 15 after finding out that she lied about some of her activities (not drugs or anything) my 15 yr old did this too, and it was awful, and we were so upset about the betrayal of trust. But we confronted it, discussed it and agreed a way forward as a family.

No boyfriend in DD's life, so I can't comment on that, but just to say
I hate his mom
And this is relevant exactly how?????

i'd like a mom's opinion??
You might not want mine, as my DD is 2 1/2 years younger than yours, but I allow mine much much more freedom than you do. Aren't we supposed to be preparing them for independence and adulthood?

Lose the curfews and the dinner time thing. Give her phone back. Give the poor thing some freedom, she's 17 for fucks sake.

What has you hating his mom got anything to do with it, especially as you say he's respectful.

eek. Was my thread maybe a tad too long????

At 17 I had left home. I was running my own home and working,

Your dd will never learn how to be an adult in the world and be confident and therefore be able look after herself and not be taken advantage of if you don't let her practice the skills she will need in the safety of the family home!

Do you really want a child in an adults body leaving home and facing it all on her own with no skills to cope?

it's a bit much on all fronts.
i'm not sure how you have prevented her from rebelling frankly. you treat her like a 13 year old.

Is this real?

You're treating her like she is 7 not 17! Loosen the reins a bit!

If my parents had treated me like that when I was 17, I would have been counting off the days until my 18th birthday.

And when that day came, on the stroke of midnight, all hell would have broken loose.

Your daughter is very nearly an adult. Unless you start treating her like one, you will lose her.

In the uk (I can't speak for anywhere else) it's legal (although tough and rare) to leave home at 16. I had already done so by the time I was your DDs age, it's tough and I wouldn't recommend it (I had a hell of a job setting up utility accounts in my name and getting a rental, ended up in a shitty shared house), I really struggle with the amount of control you seem to be exercising over her right now. Give her some freedom while you're still in her life enough to guide her, otherwise when she does leave home she'll experience a feeling a bit like she's been dropped on her head, will know nothing about life and will struggle to be independent and make the right choices because she didn't make her mistakes and do her learning when she was still in a safe environment (the family home)
She may also resent you a lot and that could damage your relationship.
I see where your daughter is coming from as my mum was much like you and honestly our relationship still suffers for it now (I left home almost 20 years ago!)

The USA has a different culture to parenting of teenagers to the UK does it not? At least from movies and TV set in USA this seems the case to me. Most teenagers don't like their parents controlling their lives much

You need to ease up and back off. If you carry on with this, she will be out of the door the very second she is able to. You're infantalising and controlling her simultaneously and she will hate you for it.

Yes, you are being unreasonable. The times you are enforcing are more suitable to a 12-13 year old.

"She has had issues with sleep before and being on her phone too late."
All teenagers have issues with their sleep, it's part of their adolescence as their body clock shifts. And I sincerely wonder whether your idea of her being on her phone too late would be anywhere near my idea of too late.

And as for you hating your DD's boyfriend's mother - Get. A. Fucking. Grip.

What BonnieF says is kinda how things where for me - all through last year of college (British meaning) I was counting down to leaving for university, and actually a huge driving force of going to uni was that it was an easy way for me to move out for a while to a new town.

What does 4.0 GPA mean?

Isn't 17 almost an adult? Not sure why you have all these rules unless it's got something to do with this GPA thing. Could you please explain what this means?