17 year old girl rules

[jennettestar22]

AIBU with my rules? My daughter is 17 years old with a 4.0 GPA and pretty good choice of friends. She does not seem to respect me and gets frustrated with my rules quite often. On school nights I do not allow her to go out in the evening and she must be home for dinner ever day at 5:45pm unless otherwise discussed ahead of time. She has a curfew of 10:00pm on weekends and I take her phone away every night at 9:30pm. She has had issues with sleep before and being on her phone too late. She argues that since these rules were set in place when she was 15 after finding out that she lied about some of her activities (not drugs or anything) and that she has changed enough to be able to have some freedom. I only allow her to spend time with her boyfriend 3 times a week for less than 2 hours for most and she argues that they do not even go to the same school and do not get to talk to him but I know she texts. Her boyfriend is quite respectful but I know they have had sex and I hate his mom. I am just wondering about all of this because my 17 year old has said shes talked to many people who think that it is all ridiculous but i'd like a mom's opinion??

She is going to go wild when she leaves home if you don't unclench and treat her like an adult.

You're going to end up losing your daughter if your carry on like this. I actually see it as a form of abuse.

Not allowing a 17 year old out on a weeknight. Disgraceful.

I think you need to look a lot closer to home for the causes of your daughters mental health issues and anger.
What do you hope to achieve by being so controlling towards an adult woman?

Some of your rules do seem a bit restrictive....like the no phone after 9:30. However I do wonder how so many 17 year olds have so much time to socialise during the week? At that age, my evenings consisted of supper, homework and bed. We were allowed phones and TVs in our bedrooms, but were not allowed to lie in the next day past 9am which deterred us from staying up all night. I worked every Saturday afternoon and evening which was important to me as I didn't get pocket money. Sunday was a family day. I would sometimes go out with friends on a Friday night, but did not have a curfew. I either drove home (about 15 miles) or stayed with a friend. I was happy with the above and never rebelled. However, when I was 23 and my boyfriend of 3 years was coming to stay for a few days, my DF was not happy about us sharing a room and had to be talked into it by my DM (no spare room so the alternative was me sleeping in the sitting room).

My daughter also had mental health issues with OCD, anxiety, and depression and I've seen no improvement with that or her respect towards her parents

That's hardly surprising given your level of control. The fact she's doing well at school and hasn't moved out suggests she respects you.

Her boyfriend's mother was quite right about you living in another century.

I left home a week after my 17th birthday and rented a house. I walked two miles to the bus stop (vv rural) to work and was taking driving lessons. I was basically fully functioning as an adult. I had a dog, a rent book, a mower and an aga. I can't imagine my DDad turning up and telling me I couldn't go out after a certain time of night

I left home at 17 and was completely independent. Your rules are far too strict and over controlling. In a year she will be 18 and an adult! How are all these rules and restrictions preparing her for that? She has a boyfriend, and is having sex, yet you are imposing rules as though she were 10. I am surprised she is not seriously acting out. As long as you know where she is and know her friends, you can surely trust her to make judgements about her life? You like her boyfriend, but whether you like his mother or not is immaterial. Perhaps he doesn't like you?

You are going to lose her if you carry on like this.

In the UK you could legally leave home at 17, not sure what the laws is where you are I know some states "adult" is still 21, teenagers are pretty rude and disrespectfull, some of the time, pushing boundaries, and boy you do have a lot of those! I was an only cild with (lovelly,but) strict parents, so when they were out at work, I jumped out of my bedroom window and went off to meet my mates, and friend with very religous parents, who didnt allow her to go out, at 16, she starting "sleeping" with her boss who was old enough to be her GF, because he was the only male she intereacted with, always thinking she was pregnant, married a much older man, didnt work out, wanted her "freedom/youth" she never had so then married a much younger bloke, that didnt work out either, 3rd marriage???

You do know she is going to go absolutely wild at college right? I know I would.

And she is going to associate your home with negativity and resentment so don't be surprised if she doesn't come back much.

Wrt the phone issue, apart from the sleeping side it would seem like you're still punishing her for something that happened when she was 15? If I've got that right (sorry if I haven't) then 2 years is a hell of a long time for a punishment. You do need to loosen up or she'll just go totally overboard when she gets more freedom - I'm actually seeing this right now with a young family member who went off to Uni last year. He had lived with very strict parents with extremely restrictive rules not unlike yours - his first reaction when he moved 150 miles away for uni was to go completely nuts for a couple of months. He settled down eventually but he'll never return home properly now he's gained his freedom, he barely comes back to visit as it is and his relationship with his parents will never be the same.
Be careful you don't push her so far that she runs.

My dd doesn't have rules at that age. She listens to our concerns but we accept that she's old enough to make her own choices and she'll learn from her own mistakes just like we did.

We do discuss things a lot. Sometimes I feel she listens to us too much and I have to encourage her to do what she thinks she ought to, rather than asking "what shall I do".

At 17 she should be making independant decisions with plenty of advice and support, leading towards full indpendence.

Blimey. Controlling much? Here where i live in Scotland she could be married, be at university and be driving at age 17. All legally with no consent required.

I have 2 DD’s (age 19 and 24) and at that age they did not have curfews and did not have their phones removed.They both self selected to not go out late on weekdays as they had a lot of schoolwork to do but they were allowed out late at the weekends a long as i had an idea of whether they were staying over at friends or coming home. Mealtimes were flexible and depended on what they had on.

OP- You need to let go some of this control before it affects your relationship with your DD. Give her some autonomy. You may be pleasantly surprised by the choices she makes.

Out of interest OP what was your life like at 17?

Also without wanting to sound harsh it worries me that you are priming your daughter perfectly towards living a life of being abused and controlled in her future relationships. Should she ever somehow manage to meet other people to actually build any.

Blimey, I went to a boarding school (so lots of rules in order to manage a bunch of teenagers) and had an incredibly controlling mum, and at 17 I had far more freedom than your daughter has.

The school had set mealtimes of course, but we weren't required to turn up for them. If we weren't there, we went without, that's all. Tea was the favourite one to miss so we could go shopping after school, but everyone was hungry enough to be back for supper. In the week we could go out till something like 8pm, or 9pm on Wednesdays. At the weekend I was at home and had a curfew of midnight - if I missed dinner it would be on the kitchen side when I got home, which I always appreciated. My parents hated my boyfriend too, but wisely knew that if they limited my time with him, I'd just see him in secret.

I actually opted to go to that boarding school (at the age of 16) because of how controlling my mother was, and I never really moved back home afterwards. My brother, who had similar rules, chose a university "as far away from her as possible". Before she died, she told me how it broke her heart when effectively left home at 16. She also said that if she could live her life again, she would have focussed far less pushing us towards academic success and let us live our lives with more variety. Education and success in life isn't just about academia or grade points, your daughter needs to also learn (while making mistakes) about how to schedule her own life, look after herself in the big wide world and find the balance that's right for her. When my brother went to university and escaped the control, it was like he was off a leash and tasting freedom for the first time - not a good situation.

Incidentally, when I finally got away, my own OCD improved dramatically. I suspect it's because I finally had proper control over how I lived and the things that happened to me.

She's 17. Next year she'll be at college.

Ask yourself are you really equipping her to be an independant woman at 18, or are you actually equipping her to lose the plot and become some kind of crazy alcoholic/nyphomaniac like most college kids who come from restrictive families?

Wow you need to unclench. You sound incredibly controlling.

Taking this at face value...

OP are there any cultural reasons that you are so much stricter than a 'typical' Canadian parent. We left Canada when my D.C. were younger teens but despite knowing lots and lots of other parents from all sorts of different backgrounds I never heard of anyone being as strict as you claim to be.

My parents were very like this - like others I was desperate to get away and for me, giving low job availability and high rents in that area, university was way to do it.

I think the day the left me at university it hit my Mum just how poorly prepared I was and she was very distressed.

In my case my they'd tried being slightly less strict with my older brother who they completely lost control of and he move out at 17. My much younger sibling got a more reasonable upbringing and is one closest to them now.

Only two partners they have ever approved off - were one that were abusive to siblings in different ways - though as soon as they realised they reverted to hating them. I'm not sure why that was - as they do love us they just handle us growing up and older extremely poorly.

I personally didn't go mad at University - stuck to working hard though got a boy friend who is now my DH - but do know other who had strict upbringings who went a bit mad.

Your controlling attitude and regime towards your daughter probably caused her OCD, giving her some sense of control in a life where her parents control everything.

At 17 the only rules i had were to let my Mum know if i was coming home for dinner or at all that night and my boyfriend wasn't allowed to stay over. Other than that i came and went as i pleased. I only stayed at home 1 or 2 nights a week by then.

I don't think there's anything wrong insisting she doesn't have her phone in her room all night, and if you always eat at a certain time, then it's polite to say if you won't be there for that meal.

However, you do come across a little strict. IE. Physically removing her phone. Two hours Max to see boyfriend. I think you need to lighten up and be more flexible. 10pm is a school night bedtime, not weekend. Don't restrict when and where she can go. Let her live her life.

What is going to happen when she goes to college?

My dd is 17 nearly 18 and I let her make her own decisions. She does still ask if it's ok if she goes out but out of courtesy as much as anything else. I'm fine with her being out midweek as long as she lets me know with regard to diner etc. She studies hard and works and I can't imagine dictating her bedtime or phone useage anymore. She will be off to Uni in September (hopefully) and we have been trying to encourage independent living.

So so far Mumsnet is saying the BF Mum whilst not choosing the best way to do it actually has a point with regard to how you parent.

So what are you going to do about it.

Personally I would sit down with daughter and say lets work this together - I need to learn to let go and trust and you need to show me i am not being misguided. SO baby steps to start and agree say one change - maybe one evening out till 9pm in the week and slightly later at weekends, try it and see how it goes.

It is hard to let them grow and let them be themselves. My gut feel is that there is alot of projection going on it seems like basically she is a good kid - she has been doing what you wanted and suffered a bit for it socially and mentally - time to start your payback for that behaviour.

Lighten up and loosen up and deal with YOUR issues and give DD some space.

Wow if you were my mum I would have left. She's an adult maybe if you treated her like one either a bit more respect she might actually listen to you. My parents never enforced such strict rules on me growing up but because they treated me like an adult I never was disrespectful and knew their wishes in terms of letting them know where I was and being home on time without taking the piss. She will be 18 soon which is an adult. Give her some breathing space.

Hard to know what to think... can this be real?
DD has a problem with overcontrol and yet life is made more difficult for her.
Many of the areas of life when she should be able to make normal choices have been restricted.
If she stays up late on her phone she will be tired .. surely that is her choice.... she's a clever girl she knows about consequences. If she is too tired to achieve at school and her GPA suffers that is her lookout not your responsibility at all.
If you show her so little respect how is she meant to have learned how to show you respect?
I agree that the dinner thing is annoying and it's the only one of your strictures that I would impose in my household but otherwise you need to do some work to improve matters... help her to mature and with any luck get your relationship on track... set her up for future personal relationships which after all are the core of life... not grades!
It's sad.