17 year old girl rules

[jennettestar22]

AIBU with my rules? My daughter is 17 years old with a 4.0 GPA and pretty good choice of friends. She does not seem to respect me and gets frustrated with my rules quite often. On school nights I do not allow her to go out in the evening and she must be home for dinner ever day at 5:45pm unless otherwise discussed ahead of time. She has a curfew of 10:00pm on weekends and I take her phone away every night at 9:30pm. She has had issues with sleep before and being on her phone too late. She argues that since these rules were set in place when she was 15 after finding out that she lied about some of her activities (not drugs or anything) and that she has changed enough to be able to have some freedom. I only allow her to spend time with her boyfriend 3 times a week for less than 2 hours for most and she argues that they do not even go to the same school and do not get to talk to him but I know she texts. Her boyfriend is quite respectful but I know they have had sex and I hate his mom. I am just wondering about all of this because my 17 year old has said shes talked to many people who think that it is all ridiculous but i'd like a mom's opinion??

His mom is relevant because she has yelled at me at my house out of nowhere saying I am living in another century. My daughter also had mental health issues with OCD, anxiety, and depression and I've seen no improvement with that or her respect towards her parents. Her boyfriend is respectful but I believe he is dragging her down and isn't good enough for her

YABVVVVU

His mum is right - you are living in anther century. And not even the 20th one - go back further than that.

I'm not surprised your DD has MH issues living with this nonsense. Why would she respect you? You're definitely not respecting her.

Curfews seem to be a big thing in the US, but IMO they are useless. Kids can still get up to mischief and then return home on time. Having a curfew isn't going to stop anyone from getting into trouble.

When (if??) your DD is finally allowed to leave home she's either going to rebel massively and go right off the rails, or be too scared to try anything and end up as a shell of a person. Either way will be a massive parenting failure.

I have a 17 year old. I can't even begin to imagine treating like them like this. I wouldn't even have treated them like this at 7!

Looked like a reverse to me. If not that poor daughter.

YADBU. Thinking back to when I was a teenager I had a 11pm curfew on school nights up to the point where I did my GCSEs (16) and no curfew at the weekends. I had a longterm boyfriend from the ages of 14 - 16 who was 2 years older than me and my parents never limited how much time we spent together although they did know his family and and they trusted me not to have sex when I was underage, which I didn't. By the time I was in 6th form (16 / 17) I would go out clubbing most weekends (they weren't so strict with ID in those days) and I never got into and trouble because again they trusted me not to drink to excess and always come home at the end of the night, which again I respected. I passed all my exams with high grades and got into a top university so my freedom didn't hinder me at all. The rules that you are imposing on your DD sound like they're more suited to a 13 year old than a 17 year old. I think if you continue to be so strict she will probably go off the rails when she's 18 because you've allowed her so little freedom.

I'm not surprised she has mental health problems with a mother like you.

I'm Canadian and a 4.0 GPA is perfect grades in school meaning she has excellent marks in all her classes. His mom is relevant because she has yelled at me at my house out of nowhere saying I am living in another century. My daughter also had mental health issues with OCD, anxiety, and depression and I've seen no improvement with that or her respect towards her parents. Her boyfriend is respectful but I believe he is dragging her down and isn't good enough for her

If I were a mum seeing first hand the nervous anxious mess your poor DD is, you are damned right I would blame you and your regime of terror.

What on earth are you trying to achieve here? You are not raising a woman here, you are crushing a child and trying to make her submit to your tyranny.

With a bit of luck, the minute she feels freedom, she will be off like a shot and won't look back.

If you love her, in any way shape or form, back the heck off and let her breathe!

Yikes! Okay, so there are a few issues here.

You say your daughter has OCD, anxiety and depression. Well, OCD is largely about control so, given how excessively restrictive your daughter's life is due to your unreasonable rules, it's hardly surprising she has OCD! Anxiety and depression are also not surprising given the circumstances. I'd be anxious and depressed if I was living like a prisoner in my own home and felt I couldn't breathe for fear of it being wrong.

It is deeply worrying that you talk about your daughter's MH conditions not improving - as though they are bad behaviour that must be corrected. You must realise that until you lighten up and treat your daughter like the adult woman she is, these conditions are unlikely to improve - you are causing the problem then blaming your daughter for it!

You are clearly very focused on your daughter respecting you/your rules. You sound like one of these people who get a kick from insisting upon respect from a younger person regardless of how unreasonable your behaviour is. It's the "respect your elders" thing - that she must respect you just because you are her parents - even if your conduct is unreasonable and not worthy of respect. Try respecting HER... treat her as you wish to be treated. You cannot treat her like a caged animal and expect her to respect the rules that keep her a virtual prisoner.

As for her boyfriend - you admit he himself is a respectful young man so how exactly is he dragging her down? I'm starting to suspect you will never consider any man to be worthy of her. I also suspect the reason you hate his mother is because she told you some home truths and you know that if your daughter is around her boyfriend and his family, she'll get a sense of what it's like to live in the real world and they will encourage her independence. You must understand that if you do not treat her like the intelligent young woman she is and stop treating her like a 5 year old, then you cannot blame her when she seeks respect and happiness elsewhere.

Your daughter is a young woman - and will soon be off to college/university by the sounds of it. How do you intend to continue your obsessive control of her when she selects a college as far away from you as humanly possible? What are your expectations of her when she goes to college?

As someone above asked: how is her boyfriend "dragging her down"? What does her ideal life look like to you? Have you considered that perhaps your own expectations of her and her future might just be a bit unrealistic and unreasonable?

You need to examine your own behaviour - stop blaming your daughter for struggling to live up to your unreasonable demands. It sounds like it is YOU who has to change, not her. Give her respect and the freedom she is entitled to as an adult human being or you will risk losing her forever.

You are being much too strict. None of these rules will apply at college/uni and by not cutting her some slack now, all of the things you're trying to prevent will be more tempting; and happen in a setting where your Dd will have less support if it goes wrong.

Late teens are nearly adults and want to be seen and treated as adults as soon as possible. Most parents want to know their kids can survive as adults and gladly encourage them to be ready for this.

Also, has your Dd has only maintained that average on her own merit or through some serious whip cracking and dictating on your part (in which case, she'll probably struggle at uni)? Trust her, reward her and step back and relax the rules.

17!! I had left home when I was 17!

Far, far too strict. You'll drive her away.

Emmyrose

I don't think it's the boyfriend's mum's place to yell at OP.

OP, think you need to relax your rules a bit. I.e. Extend curfew to 11, let DD decide how long she sees her BF etc

This sounds a bit like how my parents treated me as a teen. I still really resent them for not allowing me to have a normal teenage experience and putting so much pressure on achieving that I ended up having a breakdown and dropping out of the excellent university I ended up going to. I was not prepared for adulthood at all and really struggled. I also got into relationships with older boys at around 15 because they had cars so I actually got a sense of freedom by lying to my parents about where I was/who I was with. I had sex before I was really ready and got into drugs which actually wasn't me at all but as I couldn't take part in the tamer things my friends were doing like evening cinema trips I sneaked about and ended up doing exactly what they didn't want me to. Give her a bit of freedom or she will end up hating you or lying to get it.

My daughter also had mental health issues with OCD, anxiety, and depression and I've seen no improvement with that or her respect towards her parents.

I think this is a reverse. But if not, then have you considered the high likelihood that it is your behaviour and attitude towards your daughter that is at the root cause of her mental health issues? Answer: the likelihood is high.

I also suspect the reason you hate his mother is because she told you some home truths and you know that if your daughter is around her boyfriend and his family, she'll get a sense of what it's like to live in the real world and they will encourage her independence

Agreed.

OP, you sound like a classic case of a toxic parent. For her sake, I hope your DD can get as far away from you as she can, as soon as she can.

Do you not wonder why she has mental health problems?
You're treating her like a prisoner in her own home!
i have experience.
I can bet in a few yearsyou won't have a relationship with her.
I wouldn't blame her.
How can you not see this is wrong?
No wonder the bfs mom yelled at you.
You're abusive.
If you want any relationship with your daughter in the future start treating her like the adult she is and actually your daughter.

A 4.0 GPA for a 17 year old in the US is equivalent to getting all As at A Level in the UK. They score students from 0-4 (with decimal places, like 2.66 or 3.2). It's top marks.

"My daughter also had mental health issues with OCD, anxiety, and depression and I've seen no improvement with that or her respect towards her parents."
No bloody wonder she has mental health problems! And you and your behaviour towards her are highly likely to be exacerbating them, if not the actual cause of them! What improvement could there be when you are treating her like an imprisoned child? And the thing you seem to be most concerned for is not her welfare - no, you think she should be showing you more respect! You have a seriously skewed worldview.

"Her boyfriend is respectful but I believe he is dragging her down and isn't good enough for her"
In what way is he dragging her down? Or do you just mean his presence stops you from having 100% control of your daughter's mind?

"His mom is relevant because she has yelled at me at my house out of nowhere saying I am living in another century."
Oh, it most certainly was not out of nowhere - everything you have written her confirms her words. And the century you are living in is the 19th, not the 20th. By your own words, you are the very epitome of a Victorian parent. All discipline and calls for respect, no sign of affection or empathy.

I am not normally this harsh, but what you have written about your daughter, your rules, your jealous opinions on anybody who touches your daughter's life - I am totally appalled. And angry on her behalf. You are going the right way to drive your daughter from you forever, and to leave her in a damaged state to boot.

Think hard about this ridiculous regime you are imposing on your daughter. Think hard about how badly you are equipping her for her impending adulthood. Think hard about the future, because it is coming and your actions to date are making it a very unpleasant future for you and your daughter.

Okay I have parented a teenager with mental health issues.
Do you know what helped?
a) Getting her professional help - and listening to their advice
b) when it was safe giving her freedom. Even when it was frightening letting her spend times with friends (she was self harming so it was frightening at times, but necessary)
c) realising and telling her that there is more to life than school
d) talking and listening, making time when she could talk with no pressure (we went on a lot of drives in the car, walks especially with the dog would also help)
e) Pets! good destressers
f) more freedom

My DD doesn't have a curfew, sees her boyfriend most days (he lives v close), sometimes gets up to things I wish she wasn't. She also knows she doesn't have to go to college - and she can always go later - which relieves the pressure. My DD needs me on her side and not to put more pressure on her.

As soon as this girl turns 18, I expect they'll pack up to leave for University and never bother you again.
I've known prison wardens with more empathy for their charges. Fucking hell.

Be prepared to wave goodbye as soon as she turns 18

This is 2017 not Victorian times and you'll lose your dd for good. You need help for your very controlling weird behaviour

Yes, no wonder op doesn't like the bf, she has less control of her dd.
Disgusting.
I hope her poor dd realises her worth and goes to her bf and never goes back.

This is all ridiculous. As soon as she gets the chance to get away from you, she will take it, and you can kiss goodbye to any hope you had of a close relationship with her later on.

The other mother did not tell at you out of nowhere, she yelled at you because she believes the pressure and control you have your daughter under is contributing to her poor mental health.
This approach is not going to work. Look at the previous poster who commented a similar set up to yours resulted in an adult with poor mental health.
Contact her mental health team and work with them to help her gain some independence, or the world of college will overwhelm her and she may well drop out due to the stress of it all.
Your opinions as to who is or is not good enough for your daughter you need to keep to yourself. Particularly as she is keeping on track and him and his family seem to care for her well being (judging from the argument over parenting style) but you cannot see that.
Hot housing children in this manner almost always results in at best a highly strung adult ill equipped to deal with the realities of life and at worst can be a contributing factor in poor mental health.

Good lord is this for real? She's 17! A curfew at 17? Phone restrictions? Madness. She's on the cusp of being an adult, how on earth do you ever expect her to live independently? As long as it's not against the law where you are it's fine for her to have sex within a normal relationship. Good god if you were my mum I'd be long gone! Sorry to sounds harsh but I think you are VVV UR. If you want a good relationship with her as an adult I'd suggest you look long and hard at how you treat her. Treating a 17 year old like that is borderline abusive, no wonder he poor love has mental health issues!

Blimey OP.

I left home at 18. Worked full time. Had a boy friend and did what i wanted. Im now 25 married to said boyfriend with 3 children and running a business. Loosen the apron strings. She will stay far away from you as soon as she can otherwise.

I'm late fifties and grew up in the 1970s. Obviously, there were no mobile phones then but I was allowed out in the week until 10.30 and 11.30 at the weekend (would be later for special occasions). My parents were considered fairly strict (certainly I thought so). The important thing at 17 is letting her make her own mistakes while being supportive. If she knows you don't think her boyfriend is good enough for her, she is more likely to think more of him cos that's what teenagers are like.