17 year old girl rules

[jennettestar22]

AIBU with my rules? My daughter is 17 years old with a 4.0 GPA and pretty good choice of friends. She does not seem to respect me and gets frustrated with my rules quite often. On school nights I do not allow her to go out in the evening and she must be home for dinner ever day at 5:45pm unless otherwise discussed ahead of time. She has a curfew of 10:00pm on weekends and I take her phone away every night at 9:30pm. She has had issues with sleep before and being on her phone too late. She argues that since these rules were set in place when she was 15 after finding out that she lied about some of her activities (not drugs or anything) and that she has changed enough to be able to have some freedom. I only allow her to spend time with her boyfriend 3 times a week for less than 2 hours for most and she argues that they do not even go to the same school and do not get to talk to him but I know she texts. Her boyfriend is quite respectful but I know they have had sex and I hate his mom. I am just wondering about all of this because my 17 year old has said shes talked to many people who think that it is all ridiculous but i'd like a mom's opinion??

Oblomov

Blimey indeed

My parents were as strict with me I have never forgotten or forgiven.I still dont have a good relationship with my mother because of all the arguments and bad feeling .My younger brothers had a lot more freedom than I had

PhilTheSahd

I also notice this deferent. In the UK parents usually don't "control" their teens regarding alcohol, sex and nights out. But I might be wrong as I've been living in the U.K. for 15 years and I was not raised here

*difference
Sorry French keyboard

I am on the N American continent and parents I know do not control teens the way the OP does either. Just a few of my own observations:

It is rare to find teens moving away from home in the US. The average teen in the US would not be able to get a flat without recourse to the bank of mom and pop as credit history and evidence of full time employment is necessary, waiting lists for public assistance towards housing costs in private rentals ('Section 8') are incredibly long and LLs are not obliged to take tenants with Section 8 assistance, and public housing (social housing) is a fate worse than death, with long waiting lists too.

Teens who are heading for university would normally be living at home but many would also very likely have a part time job even in term time, or at least do babysitting. Teens in the US and Canada also get drivers' licences at age 16 or so and some have access to a car. Many do a school sport or two and participate in other extra curriculars like drama club or choir. Sports schedules are rigorous, involving early morning as well as afternoon practices and travel to meets or matches after school on weekdays as well as weekends in the sport season. Many students who are serious about getting a sports scholarship will do coaching in the off season or belong to a team outside of school.

In general, from 16 on, parents allow more freedom because the university experience usually involves living away form home on a campus in a dorm or university-owned apartment and success in the university environment requires that students be able to perform self care functions like doing their own laundry, monitoring their bank balance, communicating with academic advisers and university financial aid offices, but above all managing their own time, and the need to have their own priorities well established.

mathanxiety
I personally like very much the American way. The students have a chance to focus on their studies and career without thinking about sex/dishes/share accommodation/bills. They might not "grow up" as earlier as the uk students but they have more chance and success in the future for sure.

That's a generalisation though. Americans and Brits are not so very different.

It's unusual for a British teenager to be living in a flat, unless they've decided to flatshare as an alternative to halls and student flats are not quite the same as going out and looking for your own flat as an independent working person.

Math's description is definitely true but also pretty middle class; there are tons of American teens whose lives are nothing like that, who do have to work and worry about bills.

Even if a teen is not having to pay rent, I can assure you all 18-year-olds think about sex! Why would not having to worry about bills mean you don't have sex or think about sex? It's more likely a uni student who's financially supported by parents and has no real responsibilities is going to be partying and enjoying themselves, compared to a teenage single mum living on benefits.

I gather from the OP that she leads a MC life and I do too. I hoped to give some idea of the assumptions I have about teen life and appropriate rules, coming from a similar context.

I agree that sex is high on the agenda of teenagers of all stripes everywhere. The OP seemed to feel this was an issue of some kind - it only is if she and her DD do not have a healthy relationship and the DD won't approach her to talk about problems. If the DD can't approach the OP (for instance because she knows about the negative feelings about her boyfriend) then any problems will be compounded by the perception of an unsympathetic mother.

The average high school environment is going to offer lots of exposure to lifestyles one's great grandmother would probably frown at, and certainly university life is going to provide an education in relationships if a student has somehow managed to live in a bubble up to age 18.

I don't see any reason for the inflexibility with dinner time. Put it in the fridge if plans change. I would ask that the DD calls if plans change, to give an eta.

Mine managed to put food in the microwave for themselves when they made an appearance later than I had expected them to. Sometimes they ate out or at a friend's, and they brought uneaten dinner to school in a thermos if they wanted something nicer than school fare the next day.

I did ask if they were bringing someone over around dinner time to find out if the friend would eat with us, and obv to tell me so I could cook extra.

But plans were often fluid and I would have been pulling rank gratuitously if I had had hard and fast rules that I insisted on about dinner time.

Read Steve Biddulph Raising Girls. I get where you're coming from trying you protect her but you've got to find a balance. You've got boundaries. Good. She will hate it. Good. Will she thank you when she's an adult? Maybe...you hope...I think you also need to take on board what other people have said about cutting her some slack x

I can;t stand Steve Biddulph.

OP you are being controlling and mean.
Good teenage behaviour comes from a place of mutual respect and concern for each other.

Then you don't need to be a control freak.

Seriously ?! Way OTT she's 17 not 10 you sound very controlling.

Boundaries are not the same as rules.

Boundaries are your fence around yourself that indicate to you where you end and other people begin. I do not see healthy boundaries here - an example of poor boundaries is the comment on the DD's MH issues not improving expressed as a complaint with a hint that the DD owes the OP progress as well as respect. The DD has not failed the OP in any way by continuing to experience MH issues.

Boundaries are about you respecting other people. They are not things you make other people do.

I'm a bit surprised that the OP says she is in Canada. I am also in Canada and my experience is that teenagers have more freedom than their UK counterparts (well English and Welsh ones anyway, I don't know any Scottish or NI teens). Virtually all of my teenagers peers have jobs and do extra curricula activities (sports, voluntary work, drama etc), none would be able to live with a 5.45 weekday curfew. I also wonder what the OP's dd is doing all evening. While good grades are important, for university scholarships are really important and you need to show examples of leadership, community service and breadth of interests too. My two rarely spend more than an hour on homework (and both have a 95% average this year, no GPA in our province).

I do hope that the OP's dd will have the opportunity to go to university away from home, but most Canadians go to their local university so she may well be expected to stay at home.

Oh and as a parent of teens I do not think good parenting is about getting your children to hate you and hate your rules. It's about giving a good foundation and appropriate opportunities to grow up.

I am also in Canada, and have a variety of teenagers including a 17yo dd. She's also a high average student (no GPA here either, but she was accepted for SHAD last year and has a variety of offers including scholarships for university - she starts in September and won't be 18 until next year). She has been working (life guarding and teaching dance) while maintaining her average, and competes in dance. I can't remember the last time I took her phone away - years, definitely, and there is literally no way I could impose any sort of curfew. She finishes dance class at around 9.45pm, and is generally in bed by 11.30pm.

Given that she will be off to uni in two months, we are really trying to get her to make her own choices in life, and just guiding gently from the sidelines if she asks for help, or if she seems to need it. She spent a month away on a university campus last summer for SHAD, which was a nice gentle introduction to being away from home, and she has travelled internationally to compete with her synthetic biology team.

Am I worried about sex drugs and rock and roll? Of course I am. But she's 17 and leaving home, and ultimately I have to hope she will make good choices. She's a good kid. We'll roll with any disasters. It's life.

So is yours, op. No kid maintains a 4.0, AND a boyfriend without having her head screwed on right. But you are in danger of ruining it. She has behaved impeccably and is rightly now chafing at your lack of acknowledgement of her maturity and soon to be adulthood. You need to work out how to give her the freedom she deserves, while being there for her if she needs you. It's time.

I am assuming as you haven't mentioned university that she has another year before she finishes high school. Use it wisely.

I almost never post on this kind of thread, and I have little to say that hadn't been said, but op if you do come back, please think about:

• how and why would your daughter treat you with respect when you haven't shown her what that looks like or why it's important? You don't treat her with respect, and it must be hard for her to see what an adult respectful relationship looks like
• how is any of what you're doing preparing her for adulthood? How do you ever expect to have an adult relationship with her with the situation as it is?

By 17 I was doing a levels, preparing for uni, I had a boyfriend who I saw most evenings, played in a band which kept me out late some nights, was a brownie guide leader, and had a party time job in a restaurant. My parents were supportive in all of this and helped me make some of the complicated decisions, e.g. Shift at work clashing with gig with band, which could be moved, which should be prioritised etc. I ate at home most nights, and when at home were cooked together as a family of adults and chatted about our day etc. I kept my parents fully informed of where I was but had no curfew...i knew I needed to do well in school and getting enough sleep was important.

I got 4 A's at A level, a first at uni and have been working ever since. My boyfriend became part of the family and we're now married with a daughter. We see lots of my parents, eat together on Sundays when schedules allow, holiday together sometimes, they look after our daughter sometimes and she adores them.

This sounds like I'm just trying to show how perfect my life is. I'm not, and it's not, but I urge you to think very hard about what you want your relationship with your daughter to look like in 5...10...20 years time. If what I've described sounds pretty good, then please just think logically about how you achieve that, and how what you're doing now will affect it.

Seems I did have something to say after all !

how and why would your daughter treat you with respect when you haven't shown her what that looks like or why it's important? You don't treat her with respect, and it must be hard for her to see what an adult respectful relationship looks like

I completely agree.

As a parent of a 19 year old and a 17 year old, respect is paramount.
I now treat them as young adults living in my home, and they behave as such.

They have a respect for us as parents because we respect them.

My daughter is a year away from graduating and is planning on going to school out of province. Where would be a good place to start for minimizing my regulations?

Sit her down and agree to a trial run of certain rules youll agree on together, say you know she's growing older and you want to give her more independence ready for when she leaves. Agree to say a month trial and go from there. Good luck OP!

jennettestar22

Start by treating her like an adult instead of a prisoner.
Only letting her see her bf for 2 hours? Taking her phone off her?
Can you not see how wrong this is?
Can you not see that you may be making her mental health( or causing) problems?
If you want any type of relationship in the future you need to stop this.
Read the comments of people who have been where your daughter is. Some relationships don't ever recover.
You need to look at the things you are doing.
Your daughter is a good person, but you seem scared of losing your control on her.
You need to loosen her curfew, 10pm, for a 17 year old?
Even my strict parents weren't this bad.
Stop restricting her time with her bf.
if you ruin her relationship she won't forget it.
Stop your fued with his mom.
She said what she said for a reason, a good reason.
she clearly cares about your daughter.
Give her back her phone!

Start with an apology for any problems you see in what you have done. Ask her to tell you what she sees as problems and apologise for them too, with no reservations.

Tell her from now on her time is all her own, and priority setting and time management are up to her.

Ditch all the regulations.

Ask only that she keeps her phone charged and that if you text or call when she is out, that she will make a reasonable effort to get back to you within say 45 minutes. Promise not to bother her by trying to get in touch. Ask her to get in touch if her plans change.

This last year at home is an ideal testing period where she can get a taste of freedom while parents are still close at hand to help if help is needed. If things go wrong, don't start again with the restrictions. Ask her for her insights into whatever problem developed and ask her to suggest a way to prevent the same thing from happening again.

Start planning time together visiting places you might both like to see together - art, sightseeing, spa, movies, concerts, or just out for coffee or lunch, etc. She will be gone before you know it so now is the time to establish a connection with her as adult women.

Math has put it very well....
Have a conversation with your daughter in which you make it very clear that you are listening to her.
Where does she think the boundaries should lie?
I totally agree that her time management and use of her phone are for her to decide.
Her choice of boyfriend/ friends in general is also not your business and no one appreciates criticism of their choices so unless she asks for your advice I would remain at worst neutral.
As a member of your family living under your roof you may have a few rules by which you all abide eg doing chores, letting you know if her plans change etc.
Mutual respect and making sure that she is secure in your love.... praise/ listening/ appreciation etc should outweigh criticism or negativity of any kind by a wide margin.
Making time for her as suggested above in a fun and positive manner will help your relationship
Best of luck

16/17 is very much a transition time. From under parental responsibility to hopefully a friendship.
When she becomes of age at 18? You can't ground her or set rules when she can and cannot leave the house. You have to work towards her making her own decisions.