17 year old girl rules

[jennettestar22]

AIBU with my rules? My daughter is 17 years old with a 4.0 GPA and pretty good choice of friends. She does not seem to respect me and gets frustrated with my rules quite often. On school nights I do not allow her to go out in the evening and she must be home for dinner ever day at 5:45pm unless otherwise discussed ahead of time. She has a curfew of 10:00pm on weekends and I take her phone away every night at 9:30pm. She has had issues with sleep before and being on her phone too late. She argues that since these rules were set in place when she was 15 after finding out that she lied about some of her activities (not drugs or anything) and that she has changed enough to be able to have some freedom. I only allow her to spend time with her boyfriend 3 times a week for less than 2 hours for most and she argues that they do not even go to the same school and do not get to talk to him but I know she texts. Her boyfriend is quite respectful but I know they have had sex and I hate his mom. I am just wondering about all of this because my 17 year old has said shes talked to many people who think that it is all ridiculous but i'd like a mom's opinion??

I really hope this isn't real. You're treating her like a prisoner. She can't go out in the weekday evening?? You think her boyfriend isn't good enough for her, what like her life is yours?

His mum is right, you are living in another century. As soon as she can get out, she will. No wonder she is unwell. I'd be anxious and depressed if I wasn't allowed out durIng the week either.

You're causing damage. She's nearly an adult. Let her make her own decisions.

His mum is right, you're too strict.

I hope this is a reverse or something because this is no way to treat a near adult. My nephews have a better lifestyle than that and they're 5 and 6!!

Do you envisage or hope that your daughter will be a fully functioning adult? Able to live independently, have a job that supports herself? Be happy?

If you want those things for her, you need to help her to learn to grow up and be independent, think for herself and make decisions for herself.

You are currently setting rules (very stringent rules for a 17 yr old) and expecting her to live by them all - when does she get to make any choices about her own life at the moment?

You are too controlling, it's not good for your daughter. Learn to let go, learn to let her grow up and away from you.

I say this with teenaged daughters of my own. You can't stay in control all their life. Let go

You are doing exactly what I would do. Keep it up. As long as she lives under your roof, it's you rules. Stay strong!!

At 17 I was away from home at university. I could have done anything and my parents would have had no idea.

Her boyfriend is quite respectful but I know they have had sex and I hate his mom.

Here you sound about 5. what's his mum got to do with anything??

You sound controlling and ridiculous. Let your dd grow up!

DD is 13. She can go out with friends after school as long as she lets me knw where she is. She spends the day with her boyfriend at the weekend. I do take her phone downstairs to charge in the evening - but can't imagine I will at 17.

I'm not surprised she doesn't respect you.

Jesus Christ, I'm amazed she's even talking to you at this point, what do you think will happen when she's finally able to break free of you?

Give your head a wobble, you're her mum, not her parole officer.

Jesus. I'm going to show my dd17 this thread, she thinks I'm too strict as I didn't want her bringing a boy back to our house whilst me and dh were out and her sister(13) was home. This was their first date and I know she often meets and has sex with boys. She also thinks a mid-week 10pm curfew is too early(I like her home as I can't sleep until she's in and I have to get up early.) Re. dinners, I like to know if she's eating with us or not but many a meal ends up cling-filmed and in the fridge for next day. Annoying but hey ho. At 16 she got massively into smoking weed, refused school and failed her GCSEs. She often lies about where she is as she wants to do what she wants when she wants to. At 17 I feel she is nearly adult and all I can do is remove pocket money, which I have, as my logic is I wouldn't hand money over to an arse or give them lifts etc. I try to talk to her as an adult. She's much better than she was and will apologise for her actions. This is the hardest phase of parenting I think.

That's absurd for a 17 year old. Mine are nowhere near that age yet but for a start she shouldn't have a curfew or her phone taken off her. Fair enough to request her in and the phone on silent by a certain time so she doesn't wake the rest of the family but 10 is ridiculous. She is almost an adult. She can stay up till whatever time on her phone and if she is tired for school, that's her problem. She'll soon learn.

At 17 she can see her boyfriend whenever she wants. You can't actually stop her and it is only out of respect for you that she follows this rule. I suggest you drop it before she gets fed up. She is 17. Of course they are having sex. She is allowed to and whether you like his mother is neither here nor there.

The dinner thing? I know it's frustrating not knowing what people are doing so I actually agree with that one. But I suggest a limit. If she isn't going to be home for dinner she ought to let you know the night before at the latest. Not 2 hours before dinnertime.

My rules at 17 were that I text my mum to let her know where I was in the evening and if I was going to be late so she didn't worry. In the house by midnight and no noise after 11. I cooked twice a week. Whoever didn't cook washed up. We spoke to each other respectfully and I kept her in the loop as to what my plans were for dinner and whatnot. That was it. Next year she will legally be an adult and you will have no right to enforce rules. Let her grow up.

Reverse, I'm guessing based on the minimizing of all issues which have engendered mistrust and the way the whole thing is phrased.
If your Mom trusted you she wouldn't limit your activities so vehemently. You need to dig down and work out why she doesn't trust you and work on your relationship generally.
It's not unreasonable to ask someone to be home for dinner unless you have let them know you won't be there. it's a courtesy thing, as well as a waste of food. What you need is an open dialogue and to treat your family with respect as the people you live with, not inconveniences who stand in your way.

My DSD is 17. On our weekday nights with her DH and I would expect to be told if she wasn't having dinner with us for any reason, or if she was going elsewhere after school just so we know where she is and she is safe. Its just basic politeness for anyone of any age. If I'm going to be late for dinner or eating with friends I let DH know. If she called and said she wanted to eat with friends then that would be fine as long as we know. Fairly sure her DM and Stepdad have similar rules. We wouldn't expect her to be out late on a school night unless there was an exceptional reason. We don't have a bedtime for her, she tends decide herself to go to bed between 9 and 10 on a school night and she gets up for school without a problem so why would we?

I wouldn't dream of taking her phone away at that age. Maybe for a younger teenager, but not a 17 year old.

At weekends she can go out as late as she wants PROVIDED she we know where she is, know she has a safe way of getting home and we know what time to expect her and she keeps her phone on and charged. She does do this, so no drama.

This situation didn't happen by magic, when she was 14 or 15 or so we had a number of arguments about her forgetting to charge her phone, leaving her keys behind, stuff like that, and obviously at that point we would say around 9:15 "it's getting late, you have school tomorrow do you think you should start thinking about getting ready for bed?"

By making her be responsible for the decisions with strong reminders and suggestions she does manage her day to day routine herself now.

She hasn't got a boyfriend yet, so we haven't had that to deal with just now.

I suggest you talk to her about making some changes to your rules now she is older or you risk loosing her altogether.

She is obviously very bright, so ask her questions. Say to her, if I was the child and you were the mum (do you say mom?) what rules would you have?

I bet if you ask her like that she might surprise you. Ask her how many times and for how long she should be spending with her boyfriend in order for her studies to not suffer. Ask her what time she thinks is a reasonable curfew at weekends? Ask her what she thinks would be a fair punishment for a kid her age that went out and didn't phone to let her mum know.

If you can talk this through with her then you can make the rules together and prepare her for adult life.

Her boyfriends mum was rude to you by the sound of it, but however badly she put it she may have had a point.

You are far too controlling and stifling as a parent. I realise that you think you are doing what's right, but your daughter is 17 now and unless you give her the freedom to make her own choices and mistakes (which are an essential part of learning to be an adult) you will alienate her. I wouldn't be surprised if your relationship breaks down completely.

There is also a possibility - I would say high probability - that her OCD and mental health issues are exacerbated by the rigid control that you have over her life.

You haven't earned her respect yet. You can demand it as much as you like, but respect cannot be commanded.

I have to agree with the others, OP. I literally don't know any other mums of teens whose rules are as restrictive as yours.

I do wonder, though, if this is a reverse and there's a lot more to this story.

If this is a reverse one thing I would say is lying to you mum is not going to make her trust you is it.

No wonder she is depressed and has no respect for you. We no longer live in Victorian times.

Where's the OP?

wow.
ds is 14 and thinks I am tough and strict, and I am more lenient than you.

Why can't she go out on school night? Does she do after school activities? Mine are all out 2 night per week at activites and they are all younger than 17. Is it socialising? What not even allowed to call round at a friends after school for a couple of hours?

Why does she have to be home for dinner?
Our rule would be that she has to let me know before I cook, and she needs to be home before bedtime, and I need to know where she is.

Why 10 pm at weekend? Is it due to travel worries? That is early for 17 at weekend.

Phone- I am strict with the phone, but she has to learn to supervise her own phone use. How does she do that unless you let her have the phone? She leaves home in a year, and hasn't learnt to self supervise.

wow. lighten up. you've had your chance to instill your values, now back off! let her find her own way otherwise you risk your relationship with her. be there for support but otherwise stop with the rules.

You ARE living in another century and as far as your daughter's problems with depression and anxiety I'm not fucking surprised! Who wouldn't have mental health problems, living like that?! Op it's like being in prison!

Your poor daughter 😔

Has to be a wind up. Who treats a 17 year old like that. I give my 13 year old more freedom than that.
She will end up resenting you. But the damage is done imo

I'm not surprised she has MH issues. I imagine maintaining a 4.0 gpa and living up to everyone else's expectations is incredibly stressful, especially if you have an eagle-eyed parent scrutinising you for any sign of under-performance. She can't win, really, can she? If she dips below her average academically, then you will cite the freedoms she does have/ unsuitable boyfriend as the reasons. If she maintains her average, then you will put that down to her enforced 'nose to the grindstone' existence and use that as justification for it.

Whether this is a reverse or not - poor girl. Try and get some dialogue and trust going in your relationship, and take some of the pressure off. It will benefit you all.

im not going to try and sound harsh but your daughter needs freedom, her friends are probably all allowed alot more freedom than your daughter, imagine being 17 and telling your friends you need to be home at that time! when i was younger i was out drinking with friends and having fun although i must say i was never bad, i always made sure i was safe and never got in to trouble etc. i was always allowed my phone late at night without it being taken away and i turned out fine, your daughter is not a young child and should be allowed her phone if she struggles with sleep then its her own fault so if she struggles to get up in the morning let her feel tired as she will soon realise that she cant stay up all night on her phone but let her learn these things herself. you are trying to baby her too much. it wont be long til shes legal to sit in a pub drinking are you still going to demand she gets home early? i do think you are out of order treating her like that.

This is controlling to the point of abuse. No wonder your DD has MH issues. How do you expect her to self regulate when she goes to college in a year or so?

She's basically an adult woman. Plenty of people are living alone, married, have a child, etc. by her age. I was.

Totally inappropriate to have such a strict curfew and phone rules for an adult child living at home. A 5.45pm curfew for an adult??? An adult who is not even allowed to go out in the evenings??? That would be excessive even for a 13 year old.

Reasonable rules for someone of her age have to do with being respectful towards the home, eg not making noise when you come in, making sure house is properly locked up if you come in late. It's inappropriate to "helicopter parent" her sleep patterns, she has to learn how to be able to do that herself. By not allowing her free access to a phone and not allowing her to go out in the evenings you are likely stunting her emotional and social development.