17 year old girl rules

[jennettestar22]

AIBU with my rules? My daughter is 17 years old with a 4.0 GPA and pretty good choice of friends. She does not seem to respect me and gets frustrated with my rules quite often. On school nights I do not allow her to go out in the evening and she must be home for dinner ever day at 5:45pm unless otherwise discussed ahead of time. She has a curfew of 10:00pm on weekends and I take her phone away every night at 9:30pm. She has had issues with sleep before and being on her phone too late. She argues that since these rules were set in place when she was 15 after finding out that she lied about some of her activities (not drugs or anything) and that she has changed enough to be able to have some freedom. I only allow her to spend time with her boyfriend 3 times a week for less than 2 hours for most and she argues that they do not even go to the same school and do not get to talk to him but I know she texts. Her boyfriend is quite respectful but I know they have had sex and I hate his mom. I am just wondering about all of this because my 17 year old has said shes talked to many people who think that it is all ridiculous but i'd like a mom's opinion??

GPA is grade point average. 4.0 is the highest possible score. A bit like being predicted all A grades at A-level.

(I'm not American, just read a lot of international news, American fiction etc)

Regarding the OP, much parents were very strict too. Far stricter than my friends' families. I hated being treated like a child, and hated to the lack of autonomy I had over my own life. For that reason among others I was a very unhappy teenager. We now barely have a relationship.

• Meant to add - I think 'grade point average' is the average score a student gets on tests, essays etc over the year. When you apply to college, the GPA is a huge factor in which ones offer places.

I'd guess the OP wants her daughter to keep her score of 4.0 so that she has a wide choice of good colleges next year.

Yes yabu and ill preparing your daughter for adulthood

A 4.0 gpa means she is getting all As in all her subjects. She is most likely doing 5 or 6 subjects. All her homework and classwork is done to a very high standard and has been from the start of the school year last August, and maybe from the time when she started out at age 14 in high school
She is a stellar student.

OP, never mind 'ridiculous'. You are being completely over the top unreasonable in your rules.

As a reference point, I am speaking as the parent of 5 American DCs, living in America, two of whom were national merit finalists, one HS valedictorian, all deans list and Cum Laude honors society.
My rules were -
(1) manage your own time but remember your goals wrt university and prioritise.
(2) be respectful to me when it comes to rides to and from parties or other events.
If I saw that a lot of midnight oil was being burned I would ask the culprit what had happened to the time management.
If they were planning an evening out, I asked what solid plans they had for getting home and reminded them about seat belts. If I was involved in their plan for getting home then they needed to ask me well ahead of time.

We had an agreement that if they wanted to leave a party or venue for any reason and couldn't get home by means of their original plan and it was not practical to start asking around for a ride, then they could send a text and I would come and get them, no questions asked, and I would ferry any of their friends who wanted to leave too.

Back before phones had any entertainment value DD1 had a tv and dvd player in her room. None of them had restricted access to phones even when phones became entertainment centers, and all got themselves up every morning using alarm features.

Is your DD planning on going to college? How are you preparing her to deal with the challenges of college life and being engaged in it, not ending up spending her four years holed up in her dorm room or the library?

You need to allow her more freedom and to trust that any wisdom of yours imparted to her over the years will have taken hold.

I'm not surprised that your dd doesn't show you respect OP, it sounds as if you are still punishing her for something that happened two years ago.

I have an 18yr old and a 16yr old, and neither have such restricted lives. How is your dd going to learn how to be independent and make good choices when you give her so little space?

Surely has to be a reverse!

I have a younger relative who was parented just as you've described and now she's 24, full of anxiety and unable to deal with the real world as she's been kept so closeted from it and never been allowed to make her own decisions etc. When I compare her to her peers she's like a young child in some respects despite being very intelligent.
I understand that you just want the best for your daughter and that you maybe don't want her to make mistakes that you might have??? but she still needs to be allowed to 'live' a bit more and work the world out for herself.

Even my most conservative, strict friends allow their 16-18yr old kids more freedom than this. You're not letting her have a life.

I have always believed that the job of a parent is to bring your children up to be fully functioning adults.

I don't think your approach is going to achieve this. She's not learning to make good decisions, or any decisions at all.

She'll be going to college next year. Your rules are likely to make it much harder for her to cope than if she managed her own life now.

So when I was a teenager - not THAT long ago - my mum enforced very similar rules on me. (My elder sister was an absolute terror so I think she pulled the reins a bit too tight with me in response)

This really damaged my relationship with her, I hated the fact that she didn't trust me when I was a good girl and in the end I left home at 18 and never went back. I now live in a different country from my mum and We very rarely see each other.

Looking back, I understand the strictness was a result of my sisters behaviour rather than mine, but the damage was already done.

I'd say, give her a little more trust...
maybe relax the rules on one thing at a time and give her a chance to prove herself. This is something I asked for repeatedly as a teenager and never got! If she proves herself and builds trust then continue to relax the rules a little... if she messes up she loses the privileges... explain that's what you're doing and your concerns. If you don't give her a chance, you'll never know and you'll regret it in the future

Also, her sex life is none of your business x
This is where I disagree strongly. She is still a child and requires parental protection.

Anyone living in the U.K. and following the plot of Coronation Street will agree.

You are suffocating the fuck out of her. Your insane rules are way over the top. No wonder she has to lie to you.

I'm Canadian and a 4.0 GPA is perfect grades in school meaning she has excellent marks in all her classes. His mom is relevant because she has yelled at me at my house out of nowhere saying I am living in another century. My daughter also had mental health issues with OCD, anxiety, and depression and I've seen no improvement with that or her respect towards her parents. Her boyfriend is respectful but I believe he is dragging her down and isn't good enough for her

How do you see college going next year Jennette?

Is this a reverse? You sound like the 17yo, the way you write, so just wondering.

If not, YABU. My life at 17 was nothing like this, and I'm talking 30 years ago. I didn't have such restrictions, certainly not an early bedtime or time restriction on seeing my boyfriend.
I would have moved out at 18 to go to University if I hadn't ended up going too close to warrant the living-out fees, and then there would have been no rules.
It's ridiculous to curtail your DD at 17 in this way - you should instead be preparing her for adulthood by giving her more leeway and responsibility, not treating her like a young teen.

Do you think that these rules could be contributing to her mental health? A poster above mentioned that a child in a similar set up has anxiety and depression.

Perhaps ease off a bit, but also try to examine your controlling issues and how the impact your daughter.

If you were doing a trajectory of ypur daughter's life under your control, does it end next year, as she goes to uni? You may need to rethink your parenting on how to help her as she becomes an adult.

Is her father still in the home?

My daughter also had mental health issues with OCD, anxiety, and depression and I've seen no improvement with that or her respect towards her parents.

When you include improvement in her mental health issues in the same sentence as a complaint that her level of respect towards you has not improved it sort of comes across that you are holding her lack of improvement against her. Maybe you are just expressing yourself in spectacularly clunky fashion, but the association hit me right between the eyes and I hope I am mistaken.

Please assure me that I am completely mistaken. Because if you are holding that against her, that is not on.

Having said that -
What have you done that would make her respect her parents to the extent you would like her to?
What does 'respecting her parents' look like to you?

Are you in touch with the MH professionals who are dealing with your DD's various MH issues?
What is their verdict on her progress?

Boyfriend - 'dragging her down', 'isn't good enough for her'...
Do you merely think these thoughts or do you say them out loud? Thinking them is fine but shooting from the lip on the subject of a teenage DD's boyfriends will backfire 99.9% of the time.
What does 'dragging her down' look like?
What does 'good enough for her' look like?

(The mother's comment that you are living in a previous century sounds pretty astute actually.)

My daughter also had mental health issues with OCD, anxiety, and depression and I've seen no improvement with that or her respect towards her parents.

I meant to highlight this as a quote.

I don't wish to appear rude or unkind OP but I agree with PP's that you are stifling your DD and far too strict, she is practically an adult.

At your DD's age I had left home, had a flat and worked full time and was completely responsible for myself (my parents were wonderful, I just wanted my independence).

I really think that you should perhaps lighten up and let her live a little, once she's 18 she can do as she pleases and there will be nothing that you can do to stop her.

How exactly is her boyfriend 'dragging her down'? If she's maintaining a 4.0 GPA it sounds like he's not doing anything of the sort!

My best friend's parents were really strict (but still nowhere near as controlling as you!) and once she left home for university she went crazy - drugs, lots of casual sex, covered in tattoos and piercings, drinking too much...etc. She was unprepared for freedom because she hadn't been allowed to grow up appropriately by her loving but overly-anxious parents.

She will be sure to be going off to college in a year or so with her great academic scores. Then she will be expected to self regulate and manage all her own time and work as well as maintaining a social life. So she needs a bit of practice.

N.B. curtailing her freedom so drastically is likely to exacerbate any mental health problems she has.

She may simple move out at the earliest opportunity and go crazy with new found freedom.

At 17 I had left home, lived at University, was driving. I could have left the country for a week & my parents wouldn't have known. I think you're being way too strict.

Sorry, but I agree with the majority of posters that you are too strict. In fact, it's almost exactly the same as my life at 17. I couldn't wait to get away and when I was accepted to every university I applied to, the first criteria for picking one was that it was far enough away from home that I wouldn't be able to visit at weekends.
I also had no respect for my mum and her arbitrary rules and we still have a difficult relationship even now that I'm in my 40s - I even had counselling to help me deal with it a few years ago.