To be upset that we're excluded from this family event?

[allfurcoatandnoknickers1]

Hi
I'm a little upset and need to know whether I'm overreacting or not.
Every year my younger sister, who lives about an hour away from us, throws a party from home for her daughter. Invited to this event are all her partners family, as they live very close by. And our older sister with her family, who lives a good couple of hours away from them.
Not once have they invited me and my husband and our children. I only ever find out about these birthday parties via Facebook AFTER they have happened when a guest says something like 'see you at the party later on'. Usually I don't allow it to bother me and I've never said that I know but this year things are a little different. My sister and her partner have asked if they can come and visit us on Friday and stay overnight, the day before my nieces birthday. Of course, I said yes and that it would be lovely to have them. Plus it gives me the chance to hand over her 5th birthday presents in person for once.
They then mentioned that they would have to be away quite early on Saturday morning and when I queried what time they wanted to be on the road for and why, there was a mumbled mention of a party they've got to go to. I didn't say anything but I realise this must be the birthday party that we're always excluded from. I feel like they're coming to see us just to appease their own guilt for deliberately not inviting us every year. Why would they invite our other sister and her family, but not us? Our children get along brilliantly and I thought that us adults did too. I want to say something about it but I'm concerned that I'll be rude to them about it on Friday when they stay here. Do I need to just grow up or have I got good reason to be a bit put out?

Tonight has been pretty illuminating. I've just spoken to my mum who listened intently and then suggested that this is just a straight forward case of sibling rivalry. She thinks my sister has always disliked the fact that very briefly and not very successfully I had a little stint in modelling. This seems crazy to me, but mum seems sure.

That's interesting OP. Mums usually have a good idea of how their kids tick, so she's quite possibly right, random though it may seem to you! I hope you manage to work it out

I think it's just complicated family dynamics.

You're an ex addict. Your big sister & partner drinks heavily. Both of you together perhaps volatile, as you're "not as close". Big sis DH sounds tricky. They came one year, now its tradition and little sis can't uninvited without offence- is your big sis a bit dominant? And you'll toe the line so not so much of an issue? Added artsy drama with big sis DH & little sis FIL.

Basically- YANBU to be hurt. But for little sis SINBU to want a 3/4/5 yr olds birthday party to be about the kids not the squabbles or dynamics between the extended family.

Odd you've never brought it up despite holidaying and generally being close. Perhaps you need to be more sensitive to the dynamics in the family, or perhaps you're the scapegoat- can't tell.

If you modeled, even unsuccessfully, that would imply that others find you attractive. You've turned your life around from being a crazy party girl to a loving mum to three beautiful kids with a successful business.

Your little sister has a history of reminding you what a fuck up you used to be.

Her child's school friends will be at the party, along with their parents - her immediate social circle. Who she has probably spent time slagging you off to. If you show up in person as the success story you are, you make her look like the jealous insecure twit she is.

You can be the bigger person, host them and celebrate with your small family get together, and keep the relationship you have now. Or you can push her, still not get invited and no longer have a relationship (which might not be a bad thing as she's being a jealous twunt). Your call. What you're not going to get is invited to the party. Ever. She has too much social face to lose in her daily life.

Are you sure you get on well?

It sounds like she's trying to keep you apart from someone, but not necessarily her or bil. Maybe one of her ILs?

And because I love euphemisms so much...here's one for you.
What an asshole

Beautifully delivered. Despite being allfurcoatandnoknickers, you served that up with class

I was sure before tonight, but now I just don't know. BIL's family are fantastic and great fun. I have lots of fun chatting to his dad so I thought they liked me. BIL can be easily offended and very stubborn but I love him dearly, he's extremely witty.
I'm not very close with our big sister but we hug and kiss, tell each other we love each other, send Christmas presents and help each other out of there's a problem. We just don't chat an awful lot on a regular basis.
The more I think about it the more things are becoming clearer. I remember going to my little sister's birthday party before either of us had kids so it must be about 7/8 years ago. Her friends expressed surprise that I was quite pleasant, which seemed odd at the time. I did remember thinking 'she's told them I'm a crazy bitch'. I think she's been embroidering a persona for me for years to other people. She used to find very inventive ways to get me in to trouble with our parents when we were teenagers, and she always came out smelling of roses. In our twenties she would wait for me to be drunk or otherwise and then wind me up before sitting back to watch the fireworks. I guess I've not been very clever really because I've just allowed her to do this. But how do I deal with it? I don't want to lose her but I'm really pissed off with her!

Thank you Clopysow

Text to the staying over sister

"Sorry, just realised that we are busy that night, been invited to a party! So you cant stay over but hope to see you soon x"

I think she's been embroidering a persona for me for years to other people

Ahhh....i recognize that tactic!
My older sibling has always done this - i was relegated to the role of Black Sheep and Scapegoat within the family and she rinses it for all she can.

It's definitely jealousy over something....your mum is probably right.
It won't make sense to you no matter what the actual reason for her behaviour is - you're dealing with someone exhibiting some extremely narcissistic traits.

Why do you care so much about being 'blamed for trouble causing'?
Do you really value yourself so little that you think you deserve to be treated like this by your family?
They're all colluding and enabling your sis to behave like this.

YOUR feelings matter, OP.
YOU matter.
So what if you cause 'trouble' by bringing up this issue?
Do you think they would quietly accept it and allow others to treat them like shit if they were in your shoes?

You're constantly giving them ammunition to treat you like this because you won't stand up to them.

I've gone extremely low contact with my sibling, almost NC.
I only ever see her at family get togethers and even then i'm very distant with her.
The rest of the family think the sun shines out of her arse.
I get accused of trouble causing when i call her out on her behaviour - i don't care.

Just because they're 'family' does not mean you have to agree to being treated like a doormat and used.
They don't care much about your feelings do they?

I would raise the issue, let it become a 'big deal' for them and then reduce contact unless they can treat you with respect.

why not text your sis "On second thoughts - you live TOO FAR away. So it doesn't work for me having you here overnight"

I do think that someone who attends these parties may have a problem with you because of your past behaviour. If it were me I'd have to ask my sister about that specifically. I'd want to know. Your sister might be saying that about you being far away to avoid having that conversation.

If it does turn out to be that, try not to let it get to you too much. It can be hard for people sometimes to forget a past image they have of someone and their inability to do that is their problem and not a reflection on who you really are.

So they have to leave early on the Saturday for 'a party' - which she had to mumble to you - but it's not THE party, as that's on Sunday.

Odd.

Anyway, she is presumably coming to stay on Friday night. She's told you she has to leave early on Saturday for a party. And she's also told you her DD's party is on Sunday.

That's one hell of an elephant in the room, if they stay overnight with you, and none of this gets mentioned or talked about.

How is it even possible?

I haven't stepped out of line or been rude at a family event in a good decade at least.

Your whole family sounds very disfunctional. You acted it out through your behaviour and drugs. It sounds to me like you're the family scapegoat. Your little sister can treat you appallingly when you don't know if your newborn will live or die. Your older sister and her husband can get drunk and make a teenager cry all night. All fine. And you bite your tongue despite being gaslighted, manipulated, bitched about both to your face and behind your back. Can't you see there is a very toxic pattern here.

I think you sound like the most dignified and strong person here. I'd take it as a blessing you and your children don't get to be included in a toxic and damaging environment.

your little sis is lying about the parties - they don't add up.

yy to toxic family and you're the scapegoat. how to deal with it though? i think i'd laugh and ask your sis why she's harping on about stuff that happened 20 years ago?

as for not being invited to the party there's clearly an awful lot going on here. i think it might be just as well.

does your mum cast you in the scapegoat role too?

OP I think you are starting to work this all out

Your sister sounds like she has some issues with you and the fact that she makes these digs and hasn't stopped shows she is carrying some resentment to this day .

Without wanting to sound like a therapist ! YOu have already done some good thinking

When in doubt do nowt / and remember that your actions might have negatively impacted on her . If you get a bottle down her nevk and ask I am sure it will all
Come out

Maybe time to reframe her as 'family member I care about' rather than close sister if that makes sense ?

@anchor9 Didn't you read the bit where OP says she's been on the rails for 12 years?

I also think it's illuminating that your parents are definitely blaming your sister, OP. If you really did direct your problem behaviour towards them, and there was a hint of it continuing, I would expect them to defend her.

anchor9 She hasn't been a drinker or 12 years!

If you decide to confront her but you're worried about being the 'troublemaker' (does sound like you're the scapegoat) you could bring it up first. Ask her if it bothers her that you used to be a 'troublemaker' but you've turned your life around and whether that's why she always brings it up etc. That way, if she tries to say you're making trouble you can just point out she's proving your point.

Uninvite them to your house. Don't worry about causing trouble, you actually have nothing to lose if they think that little of you to start with.

I definitely wouldn't uninvite them.

That just plays into her hands of you being erratic. She can tell everyone how you got into a petty snot and threw your toys out of the pram. And the story about the party only being school friends WILL be believed.

I would kill them with kindness. I'd wait till they arrive and face to face express so much JOY at what a lovely party that Niece is going to have and how lucky everyone will be to share in her day blah blah blah. I'd be positively beatific about it. Make your sister feel a bit embarrassed.

You're not going to get an invite. But you can at least control your own narrative. Instead of being the one bringing drama over a kids Party, instead be the soul of saintly understanding. It'll wind her right up. But you'll come out looking squeaky clean.

You may be reading to much into it, does your older sister get invited on the holidays you have shared with your sister. Not so much now but when younger I liked spending time with my two brothers individually but hated being all three. The dynamics changed and we reverted to children with me being the youngest and would walk away feeling demoralised with them oblivious.

anchor - is that really how you would treat a sibling who's been on the straight and narrow for 12 years?