To be upset that we're excluded from this family event?

[allfurcoatandnoknickers1]

Hi
I'm a little upset and need to know whether I'm overreacting or not.
Every year my younger sister, who lives about an hour away from us, throws a party from home for her daughter. Invited to this event are all her partners family, as they live very close by. And our older sister with her family, who lives a good couple of hours away from them.
Not once have they invited me and my husband and our children. I only ever find out about these birthday parties via Facebook AFTER they have happened when a guest says something like 'see you at the party later on'. Usually I don't allow it to bother me and I've never said that I know but this year things are a little different. My sister and her partner have asked if they can come and visit us on Friday and stay overnight, the day before my nieces birthday. Of course, I said yes and that it would be lovely to have them. Plus it gives me the chance to hand over her 5th birthday presents in person for once.
They then mentioned that they would have to be away quite early on Saturday morning and when I queried what time they wanted to be on the road for and why, there was a mumbled mention of a party they've got to go to. I didn't say anything but I realise this must be the birthday party that we're always excluded from. I feel like they're coming to see us just to appease their own guilt for deliberately not inviting us every year. Why would they invite our other sister and her family, but not us? Our children get along brilliantly and I thought that us adults did too. I want to say something about it but I'm concerned that I'll be rude to them about it on Friday when they stay here. Do I need to just grow up or have I got good reason to be a bit put out?

tbh, if someone had a massive falling ut with their family, and then went on to show me texts etc I'd have a lot of questions about their role in the situation.

I think you've handled it as well as can be expected. When it's your own real life, no-one can do it the 'right' way. Saying your piece, and then stepping back is about the best you can do. Now leave it and focus on yourself.

Omg GWEN the sister character assassinated OP who had literally just given birth and was having some respite wholeness her tiny baby was in hospital. How warped!

A councillor friend I know once mentioned that the black sheep role is often cast so that siblings/parents can pull together and make themselves feel better/bigger while looking down on the black sheep.

That's interesting, Squished. I'm going to have a read around dysfunctional families and the role of the black sheep. Not just yet, as I feel quite sad at the moment, but in a month or two. It certainly makes sense for our family, what you described

I can imagine that Squished, someone to scapegoat, and pass the buck too.

It happened in my family sadly

coveryourears ahh thanks .. I should probably print it off myself

You might well still see them grow up don't give up all hope yet . let some time pass and heal a bit from all of this but in time you might be able to rebuild in a way that works for you

I appreciate that hope is fairly low right now though

I feel the same way about my nephew. I'm in contact with my brother although it's strained in part because he denies I'm chronically ill. But their son comes with his wife as a package. And her behaviour toward my daughter has now crossed a line....

Sorry, me again. I'm now back in contact with my estranged sister. I told mum to let her know I'd be interested in talking to her and she emailed me a couple of hours ago. She said at the moment she'd feel more comfortable with chatting by email which I agree feels better as there's more time to gather your thoughts.
The problems is...I've laid out the scapegoat/black sheep theory and touched on dad's bullying violent behaviour and mum's tendency to turn a blind eye. The emotional neglect - I was 14 years old the first time my mum ever put her arms round me for a hug and told me she loved me.
My sister has come back with a list of misdemeanours that our eldest sister made against her when they were kids. Telling her she had snakes in her shoes and petty stuff like that. Not letting her play with her friends etc. I don't know how to respond. I thought there would be something more to her story than 'she ate all my sweets'. I appreciate that it's all a question of perspective, and what might seem silly to me has had a more lasting effect on her. But I thought I might gain some insight in to the family dynamic by talking to her. Am I wasting my time? How to manage this conversation now without hurting her feelings or belittling her anguish?

But you have the benefit of having been able to thrash it all out with so many different people on here for a few days. She is probably at the same stage you were at when it was simply about the party invite.

Sounds more like she was consistently bullied by the eldest, that is incredibly damaging to a child - your parents allowed that to happen day in, day out... instead of protecting her!

Just go slow . In an ideal world it would all come out immediately and you would get insight and closure . It might be that she herself need a therapy to get her issues out and she probably doesn't 100% trust you now

Maybe there is something, maybe there isn't. In any case, you went in really heavy there with the family stuff. I get why. Perhaps back off a little?

I'd take the tone right down. Talk about your life. Short, simple stuff. No more long and revealing posts. In response to her comments, you can totally empathise with her without hurting anyone. "I'm sorry your feelings got hurt. It sounds like things in the past upset you. Sometimes children can be unkind, can't they? It's tough growing up."

You say you don't want to hurt her feelings. Now what about YOURS. Did she acknowledge your feelings?

On second thoughts this might be the insight I've been looking for.
Firstly, this contact has occurred way faster than I thought it would. It's only been a week since this all kicked off. I thought she might possibly attempt to make contact with me in a few weeks/months but it appears she got straight to it.
It seems to me that the scapegoat dynamic is a play again here. Estranged sister is still very angry and confused about the past, but is blaming just one person for everything. Her older sister.

I agree bit too heavy.

Hope she keeps 8n contact.

And sibling bullying can be horrible. A friend was constantly bullied by his brother. Really affected him.

In*

Yes I agree. I meant to say that in my post about being neutral to her complaints. Otherwise you run the risk of blaming one person, ganging up on them and acting exactly like your little sister.

I think you are over thinking

I was constantly bullied by my brother. It was terrible. The scars run deep especially because my mother did little to stop it. And denies it ever took place. Even telling my dd I was horrible to my brother.

Right, yes. I need to acknowledge that she was hurt deeply by eldest sister.
I told her in my first reply that I wanted to discuss the past with her but completely respect her decision if she decides that she doesn't want to go over all that crap with me. She came back with a long email detailing the bullying from biggest sis so that's how we quickly went from niceties to up to our necks in the murky depths of the past.
She's clearly very upset about what she perceives to be abuse by her sister. But why is there no anger towards our parents for not protecting her? I've been angry with my parents for decades over their failure to act when their kids needed them. And estranged sister suffered at dad's hands more than I did with emotional and physical abuse. But again, no anger.

Just had to go back and have a reread to be sure...no. No acknowledgment of my feelings at all or of anything I've said. She states that she doesn't blame mum and dad. I'm quite shocked by this to be honest.

Maybe this won't be as carthactic for you as you'd want/ expect/ need.

But remember all knowledge is useful even if it doesn't seem so at the time

I think it might be cathartic for her, as I don't think anyone in the family has ever acknowledged the bullying or how damaged she is by it.
I've been working through this stuff with you lovely people over the last week so I've had my catharsis for now perhaps. x

you Sister is a nasty calculating snitch.... you're better off without ant of them... I notice she's happy to open contact AFTER the big birthday bash.... and simpering about woe is me.. the Text reply to your husband would be enough for me to execute her... you sound lovely OP.. tell her to GTF