To be upset that we're excluded from this family event?

[allfurcoatandnoknickers1]

Hi
I'm a little upset and need to know whether I'm overreacting or not.
Every year my younger sister, who lives about an hour away from us, throws a party from home for her daughter. Invited to this event are all her partners family, as they live very close by. And our older sister with her family, who lives a good couple of hours away from them.
Not once have they invited me and my husband and our children. I only ever find out about these birthday parties via Facebook AFTER they have happened when a guest says something like 'see you at the party later on'. Usually I don't allow it to bother me and I've never said that I know but this year things are a little different. My sister and her partner have asked if they can come and visit us on Friday and stay overnight, the day before my nieces birthday. Of course, I said yes and that it would be lovely to have them. Plus it gives me the chance to hand over her 5th birthday presents in person for once.
They then mentioned that they would have to be away quite early on Saturday morning and when I queried what time they wanted to be on the road for and why, there was a mumbled mention of a party they've got to go to. I didn't say anything but I realise this must be the birthday party that we're always excluded from. I feel like they're coming to see us just to appease their own guilt for deliberately not inviting us every year. Why would they invite our other sister and her family, but not us? Our children get along brilliantly and I thought that us adults did too. I want to say something about it but I'm concerned that I'll be rude to them about it on Friday when they stay here. Do I need to just grow up or have I got good reason to be a bit put out?

[1981trouble]

I am one of 4 girls also. We are all very different and I am constantly surprised at our individual memories and personal feelings about our upbringing.

One sister thinks my parents messed up and made her life hell, another thinks they did the best for her, I got different opportunities to the eldest (in the youngest) because circumstance were different. They have always ensured we each got the same treatment and opportunities but because mine cost more (15 years later then yes my school trip cost £300 when hers was £50) eldest has always made comments about that to us all.

Treating everyone fairly is very hard with such differing personalities and situations so someone always feels hard done by. I guess the same applies in your situation for memories of childhood, impact it had on each person and the person they blame.

Always remembering this when dealing with siblings is quite important I find, Hopefully in time, your siblings will soul search themselves and you'll be able to talk things through a bit more and find some common ground.

I certainly find discussing others behaviour helps me to understand why they are doing it if that makes sense.

[allfurcoatandnoknickers1]

Yes, I think you might be right. She's too busy dealing with her own feelings about the past to help me work out mine. We'll stay in touch and I'll do whatever I can to support her now.
I still don't blame my mum. She wasn't great when we were growing up but she's tried really hard to make up for it since. Her own mother was dreadfully cold so although she probably wanted to show us love and affection she just couldn't do it. I also think she was very scared of Dad and felt powerless to stand up to him. He bullied her too. Strangely she talks about him in the same way my eldest sister does. Like she hero worships him.

[eddielizzard]

sounds like your older sister is trying to work this out herself. just as you didn't blame your mum, she hasn't realised she wasn't protected yet.

be careful what you're after here though - if you want sympathy and a shared understanding, she may not be able to give it.

[KirstyLaura]

It's probably a combination of the memory of her perspective of the child she was at the time, your eldest sister having grown up and matured herself, and a simple personality clash? The eldest sister you know now is most likely is not the same person sister2 knew when they were young. Kids can be cruel, it doesn't mean they're destined to be cruel as an adult. It's sad she can't see beyond that, it's obviously wounded her deeply.
My older sister told me a few years ago how much I upset her growing up, calling her names and teasing her. She always did it back to me too, we were just playing I thought - I had literally no idea how much it hurt her feelings into adulthood.

[allfurcoatandnoknickers1]

Thanks, Kirsty.
Yes, she said that just as hurtful as the actual bullying itself was the way the issue was brushed aside as unimportant. It makes me feel terribly guilty because I was always led to believe by big sis that this 'bullying' was just normal behaviour between two siblings. I'm 9 years younger than estranged sister, so I probably couldn't have helped at the time. But I could have at least listened to her and believed her when she talked about this in recent years, particularly around the time dad died and she then disowned us all.
It's hard because I don't see our eldest sister as an evil person. I know she has a very forceful personality but I can't reconcile this image of her as a bully with the sister I know.

[KirstyLaura]

Give her time allfur, she's isolated herself from all of you for a long time so it sounds like this is the first opportunity she's had to feel listened to. I also think there's something very natural about having an instant defense of your parent. I know I experienced this, and it took me a while to really comprehend as an adult what had actually happened as a child in terms of the adults (parents) behaviours. Recognise her feelings and listen for now, hopefully in time she will start to have real conversation with you if that's what you still want. Some people are just a bit self absorbed though and it doesn't occur to them to not just take emotionally. Get to know her again then you can make a more informed decision. At least you've tried, right?

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

Any tips 🍎🍎🍎?

[Squishedstrawberry4]

Some of the interviews on this are interesting itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/ted-radio-hour/id523121474?mt=2&i=385349071

[Squishedstrawberry4]

forgiveness will help you achieve heartfelt peace. bitterness can eat you up otherwise

[AcrossthePond55]

The thing is that her problems with your elder sister are not for you to solve. I don't know what she thinks she will accomplish by laying them all on you. Those issues need to be directed to your sister, not to you.

As far as responding, I'd be neutral as far as placing blame but let her know that while you can sympathize with her problems with your sister, she needs to work them out with her. Or better yet, a good counselor. And I'd tell her that I wanted to have a better relationship with her based on working through what's gone on in the past between the two of you.

[Gemini69]

you Sister is a nasty calculating snitch.... you're better off without ant of them... I notice she's happy to open contact AFTER the big birthday bash.... and simpering about woe is me.. the Text reply to your husband would be enough for me to execute her... you sound lovely OP.. tell her to GTF

[allfurcoatandnoknickers1]

I think it might be cathartic for her, as I don't think anyone in the family has ever acknowledged the bullying or how damaged she is by it.
I've been working through this stuff with you lovely people over the last week so I've had my catharsis for now perhaps. x

[Mum2jenny]

Maybe this won't be as carthactic for you as you'd want/ expect/ need.

But remember all knowledge is useful even if it doesn't seem so at the time

[allfurcoatandnoknickers1]

Just had to go back and have a reread to be sure...no. No acknowledgment of my feelings at all or of anything I've said. She states that she doesn't blame mum and dad. I'm quite shocked by this to be honest.

[allfurcoatandnoknickers1]

Right, yes. I need to acknowledge that she was hurt deeply by eldest sister.
I told her in my first reply that I wanted to discuss the past with her but completely respect her decision if she decides that she doesn't want to go over all that crap with me. She came back with a long email detailing the bullying from biggest sis so that's how we quickly went from niceties to up to our necks in the murky depths of the past.
She's clearly very upset about what she perceives to be abuse by her sister. But why is there no anger towards our parents for not protecting her? I've been angry with my parents for decades over their failure to act when their kids needed them. And estranged sister suffered at dad's hands more than I did with emotional and physical abuse. But again, no anger.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I was constantly bullied by my brother. It was terrible. The scars run deep especially because my mother did little to stop it. And denies it ever took place. Even telling my dd I was horrible to my brother.

[FreakinScaryCaaw]

I think you are over thinking

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Yes I agree. I meant to say that in my post about being neutral to her complaints. Otherwise you run the risk of blaming one person, ganging up on them and acting exactly like your little sister.

[FreakinScaryCaaw]

In*

[FreakinScaryCaaw]

I agree bit too heavy.

Hope she keeps 8n contact.

And sibling bullying can be horrible. A friend was constantly bullied by his brother. Really affected him.

[allfurcoatandnoknickers1]

On second thoughts this might be the insight I've been looking for.
Firstly, this contact has occurred way faster than I thought it would. It's only been a week since this all kicked off. I thought she might possibly attempt to make contact with me in a few weeks/months but it appears she got straight to it.
It seems to me that the scapegoat dynamic is a play again here. Estranged sister is still very angry and confused about the past, but is blaming just one person for everything. Her older sister.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Maybe there is something, maybe there isn't. In any case, you went in really heavy there with the family stuff. I get why. Perhaps back off a little?

I'd take the tone right down. Talk about your life. Short, simple stuff. No more long and revealing posts. In response to her comments, you can totally empathise with her without hurting anyone. "I'm sorry your feelings got hurt. It sounds like things in the past upset you. Sometimes children can be unkind, can't they? It's tough growing up."

You say you don't want to hurt her feelings. Now what about YOURS. Did she acknowledge your feelings?

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

Just go slow . In an ideal world it would all come out immediately and you would get insight and closure . It might be that she herself need a therapy to get her issues out and she probably doesn't 100% trust you now