To be upset that we're excluded from this family event?

[allfurcoatandnoknickers1]

Hi
I'm a little upset and need to know whether I'm overreacting or not.
Every year my younger sister, who lives about an hour away from us, throws a party from home for her daughter. Invited to this event are all her partners family, as they live very close by. And our older sister with her family, who lives a good couple of hours away from them.
Not once have they invited me and my husband and our children. I only ever find out about these birthday parties via Facebook AFTER they have happened when a guest says something like 'see you at the party later on'. Usually I don't allow it to bother me and I've never said that I know but this year things are a little different. My sister and her partner have asked if they can come and visit us on Friday and stay overnight, the day before my nieces birthday. Of course, I said yes and that it would be lovely to have them. Plus it gives me the chance to hand over her 5th birthday presents in person for once.
They then mentioned that they would have to be away quite early on Saturday morning and when I queried what time they wanted to be on the road for and why, there was a mumbled mention of a party they've got to go to. I didn't say anything but I realise this must be the birthday party that we're always excluded from. I feel like they're coming to see us just to appease their own guilt for deliberately not inviting us every year. Why would they invite our other sister and her family, but not us? Our children get along brilliantly and I thought that us adults did too. I want to say something about it but I'm concerned that I'll be rude to them about it on Friday when they stay here. Do I need to just grow up or have I got good reason to be a bit put out?

Reply, no you're not too far away, we'd love to come. What time do you want us. Let her explicitly refuse to let you come.

ahhh that sounds quite reasonable.. your elder sister got invited 1 year for some reason and now it's become at hing that she always goes but your little sis probably has thought that as you're aware but have never mentioned joining that you weren't interested in making the trip for the birthday. little sis never pushed it as didn't think it a big deal and had enough to do planning birthday and they see you other times.
little sis never thought it an issue but does still love you!

all is well phew!

Just ask her ffs!!

'Little sis - it's quite hurtful that every year you have a party for niece and invite biggest sis but don't ever invite me. Why do you do that? I never exclude you and I think you've been rather unkind'

I don't understand how you managed not to ask
After the first time but there you go.

No, I admit that I was a pain in the arse. If you read the thread. I was a horror as a youngster, and I've spent many many years trying to make up for it. Drugs and alcohol ruined my life at one stage but I binned all that crap and turned things around.

I would respond with just that OP - "but big sis lives even further away" because that answer is clearly BS!

The one part about that that could ring true a little I guess is if the children who attend are all school friends of your dsis's children and perhap she thought your dc wouldn't know anyone except their cousins. Sounds a bit feeble I know but my sil compartmentalizes her children's different friend groups like this.

but yes, tell her that of course you'd love to join on sunday and you'll help etc

This is intriguing!

Wondering if it's to do with dynamics of children at a party.

How old are your children OP and how old are your older sister's children?

Oooh yout sister has one hell of a brass neck. I think remain calm, you need to mention the big sister bit because this is winding you up so much your asking a bunch of strangers on the internet for advice.

This type of resentment will foster and eventually blow up. Dont ask open questions, straight forward why her and not me.

So by "pain in the arse", you mean an ex addict?

You do love these euphemisms, don't you?

I would just be honest and upfront, explain why you're asking and that it's upsetting you that you aren't ever invited.

It's not wrong to want to celebrate with family, or be upset that you're excluded. So face it head on, but tactfully.

Rolopolovolo
Why do I need to lay it all on the line for you? The past is the past. Twelve years without drugs and counting. I've been happily married for ten of those, have three beautiful children who are the centre of my universe and run my own successful business. Life is good now, when it all could have all turned out so very differently for me.

I would just leave it op. Some people can't let the past go sadly.

And because I love euphemisms so much...here's one for you.
What an asshole.

OP well done!
actually is it possible lil sis is protecting you from elder sis and her OH? because she knows they could be volatile or unpredictable, heavy drinking etc.
it sounds as though elder sis has established an annual routine that your lil sis has had to accept but she is still trying to stick to her original plan to let dd have a party of her friends not all family.
as someone else said, some people do try to compartmentalize friends like that

Tell her to go and stay with your other sister. Rude.

Maybe she doesn't like your children ? Is that possible ?

Can you just forget the lot of them? None of them are making you feel comfortable.

I was under the impression that they love our kids, just like we love theirs. We holiday together sometimes, so I assumed they thought we were an ok bunch.

But they are my family. How can you just forget your own family?

OP, sounds like you have changed your ways but your sisters haven't forgiven you. After 12 years I would have thought they would, especially as you were young, but maybe you guys have never properly resolved things? This could be a good chance to get it out in the open, when your sister stays with you. If things go well, she might invite you. Even if not this year maybe next?? Hope it goes well for you

Have you asked why you're not invited?

Yes, apparently we live too far away. It's an hour in the car!

OP, have you ever addressed the past with your sisters?
On the surface, I agree that it is awful that you are excluded. Downright hurtful.
BUT... we've all seen on here how events from the past have a way of shaping the future. Are there deep hurts that have never been discussed? Whilst I believe you 100% that you would be no risk at any gathering, it may not be about that. I commend you for turning your life around but surely, if you've never really addressed the past with them, you can understand that maybe the hurt is so deep that it does affect your relationships now?

This is such a shame for you.

My dn is shocking when drunk but I still invite her to parties. She's family and lovely when sober. And you don't make scenes now so it's a mystery you're not invited?

I really would back off. Friends can be closer than family in my experience.

I hope you find a resolution.

Hi,
Yes, we've talked over the past. I've apologised for things I said and did. We've laughed so hard together that we've cried about the mental things I did. I was a nightmare, but not directly towards my sisters I don't believe. It was my poor old parents that I turned grey before their time. x