To be upset that we're excluded from this family event?

[allfurcoatandnoknickers1]

Hi
I'm a little upset and need to know whether I'm overreacting or not.
Every year my younger sister, who lives about an hour away from us, throws a party from home for her daughter. Invited to this event are all her partners family, as they live very close by. And our older sister with her family, who lives a good couple of hours away from them.
Not once have they invited me and my husband and our children. I only ever find out about these birthday parties via Facebook AFTER they have happened when a guest says something like 'see you at the party later on'. Usually I don't allow it to bother me and I've never said that I know but this year things are a little different. My sister and her partner have asked if they can come and visit us on Friday and stay overnight, the day before my nieces birthday. Of course, I said yes and that it would be lovely to have them. Plus it gives me the chance to hand over her 5th birthday presents in person for once.
They then mentioned that they would have to be away quite early on Saturday morning and when I queried what time they wanted to be on the road for and why, there was a mumbled mention of a party they've got to go to. I didn't say anything but I realise this must be the birthday party that we're always excluded from. I feel like they're coming to see us just to appease their own guilt for deliberately not inviting us every year. Why would they invite our other sister and her family, but not us? Our children get along brilliantly and I thought that us adults did too. I want to say something about it but I'm concerned that I'll be rude to them about it on Friday when they stay here. Do I need to just grow up or have I got good reason to be a bit put out?

And there is no reason to worry that I'll kick off. As I said, there are people at the party who are far more highly strung than me. Plus, what sort of person would cause trouble at a child's birthday party?

I wonder if this is more that your older sister has a problem with you being invited. Have there been any recent family get together where all 3 of you have been invited?

I think you have identified the reason why - your previous behaviour.

As you are now reformed, it might be worth having the conversation: "I know I used to behave really badly and I'm ashamed and sorry. But I've changed, you can see I've changed, I promise you can trust me now etc".

Surely after 10 years she knows you're not a liability.
You just need to ask. I really do not see how they can turn it back on you for causing trouble. They're the ones being rude.

Yes, there was an event recently that took place at our mums house. We all met up, had a lovely day together and got on great.
My little sister told me a few months back that her family went to stay at big sisters house recently. Big sis and her OH got very drunk, argued all night, made his teenage daughter sit and cry all evening and it was a nightmare apparently.

Would there be a problem between your older sister and you that your younger sister doesn't want to ignite by both of you being at the same event? Would she have said something about not wanting you to be there in an 'if she's going then I'm not' kind of way?

I would be a bit like you in a non confrontational sort of way so I can understand why you would find it difficult to put it out there. It's really hurtful....people can be dicks.

Really I would ask her outright why your never invited. I woukd distance myself from them, they are rude and nasty!

Cross posted with TwoBlueFish.

How hurtful this is! I do encourage you to ask her outright why, but do so before they all arrive so that there is time to make alternative plans if it does not go well. Don't raise (will be seen as making a scene) when they are at yours; she will be more likely to react badly, rather than give you an honest answer then.

Call her, don't do it by email. Or email and say you'd like to chat before they come, so she is not caught out.

It probably has much to do with your past, but as you say, it has been a considerable time.

Fuck me families

It's so unkind to do this . Sympathies OP

In situations like this I do a mental flow chat

So say something
1- its causes a rift and she gets passive aggressive
2 - you fall out
3 - you find out the truth

Say nothing
1- you remain upset and bothered

Say nothing and cancel the stay
1- it might cause a falling out
2 - nothing happens , they don't come but you remain sad

I am over invested but have some issues here similar !!!

I was a complete pain in the neck as a teenager/20 something. It's true. But sitting here thinking about it all and reading your comments I wonder if it's a jealousy thing. I adore my little sister, I really do. But perhaps she doesn't feel quite the same about me after all. She is always drawing attention to my past indiscretions and bad behaviour. I'm constantly reminded of things I did 20 odd years ago.
I was very upset with her on one occasion when she did this. I'd just given birth to our first child and our baby was in intensive care. Naturally I was a mess and we didn't know at that stage if we would ever get to take her home. Whilst the doctors were attempting a procedure on her we went to my sisters house for a breather. They lived a fairly short drive from the hospital we were at. It was evening. My sister got drunk and proceeded to spend a good hour or two ripping me to shreds on my behaviour from decades previously. It was all done in jest but it was hurtful and I'm fairly sure lots of it was embellished for effect or downright made up.
I didn't react. I had bigger fish to fry that night.
The thing is that now I'm so afraid of causing trouble I'll do anything to avoid it. I know one wrong step and because I already have this label it will automatically be all my fault.

Are there issues between the children?

i don't know how you've managed not to ask until now! please ask asap. i need to know now too

Do you actually have anything to lose by asking?

But you're not going to cause trouble and I can't see how simply asking why you aren't invited would be stirring it. Just ask both sisters.

xpost. Your little sister sounds like a little shit stirrer, TBH. I think she's enjoying painting you as the 'black sheep' in the family, for some weird reason. Is she trying to stir it between you and your big sis?

She sounds like a little bitch, but she's your sister so you should be able to ask her outright why the heck you've never been invited .... ask her before she's due to arrive at yours because if she still doesn't invite you, tell her to get stuffed

Omg Op... hugs to you... I wouldn't allow lil sister and her family to stay over on friday especially when you are feeling upset. make some excuse... i also think perhaps the message is quite clear and relationship has run its course... u maybe need to distance yourself and keep contact to a minimum.

I am speaking from experience as has happened with my brother.

Op what does your mum say about it? My Mum would be very vocal about me/my brother having a family party & not inviting each other!

Sounds like she is a bit envious on how well you have turned your life around. Maybe she is worried about all the attention being on your at the party? Def give up being the smiley hostess to her - without answers she shouldn't be using you - you aren't obliged to accept her behaviour just because you have a coloured past!!

OP, Sorry you're going through this. I would step back.

Google Susan Forward. She's written great books about the psychodynamics of families, Toxic Parents (trickles down through generations).

I haven't stepped out of line or been rude at a family event in a good decade at least

Right, there we go then. There's people I wouldn't invite to a do because it would stress me out that they might kick off. Even though to you it was a long time ago, instances like that can be very vivid in people's memory.

This is a classic case of 'there's two sides to every story'.

I wouldn't be able to stand it a minute longer without finding out why you are excluded. It could be that your reputation as the family black sheep will just never die - especially if your Dsis won't let it? If you Dsis and her family socialise with you often and go on holidays with you, it seems like they aren't the one's wanting to exclude you, do her inlaws have a problem with you? Were they around during your years of bad behaviour? Perhaps they don't realise you've changed if they hardly ever see you so they prefer not to socialise with you? It's just so strange!

Was there a particular event I wonder that your Dsis's inlaws witnessed where you behaved especially badly? You say your dcs all get on wonderfully, are you sure? I know someone who is not invited to parties where a children are because her son bullies other children and the rest of us have just stopped including her in children friendly parties because she won't control her child. I'm just throwing out suggestions because this is really weird and it must be painful for you OP.

I think your right, you may be more fond of your little sister, than she is of you. She relies on you being scared of causing trouble, to keep her horrid behaviour towards you going. You need to call her out on her behaviour and not let her treat you like crap! I would tell her, and distance myself from her, sorry I would. It would be much better for you.

This is an absolute cheek. Syphon off the petrol from their car.