To be upset that we're excluded from this family event?

[allfurcoatandnoknickers1]

Hi
I'm a little upset and need to know whether I'm overreacting or not.
Every year my younger sister, who lives about an hour away from us, throws a party from home for her daughter. Invited to this event are all her partners family, as they live very close by. And our older sister with her family, who lives a good couple of hours away from them.
Not once have they invited me and my husband and our children. I only ever find out about these birthday parties via Facebook AFTER they have happened when a guest says something like 'see you at the party later on'. Usually I don't allow it to bother me and I've never said that I know but this year things are a little different. My sister and her partner have asked if they can come and visit us on Friday and stay overnight, the day before my nieces birthday. Of course, I said yes and that it would be lovely to have them. Plus it gives me the chance to hand over her 5th birthday presents in person for once.
They then mentioned that they would have to be away quite early on Saturday morning and when I queried what time they wanted to be on the road for and why, there was a mumbled mention of a party they've got to go to. I didn't say anything but I realise this must be the birthday party that we're always excluded from. I feel like they're coming to see us just to appease their own guilt for deliberately not inviting us every year. Why would they invite our other sister and her family, but not us? Our children get along brilliantly and I thought that us adults did too. I want to say something about it but I'm concerned that I'll be rude to them about it on Friday when they stay here. Do I need to just grow up or have I got good reason to be a bit put out?

I think she's told her daughters parents about her drug addict, alcoholic sister maybe to make her life seem more interesting or to get sympathy. So if you turn up as a nice normal parent they'll all find out that she's lied.

I'd text her back and say that an hours drive isn't too far and you and the kids would love to come.

Morning all.
I feel much less bothered by the whole thing today, and much more enlightened about what has been going on all these years. Thank you all for all your help and advice. The invitation to visit is now withdrawn and she knows that I'm upset about the parties that have gone ahead without including us. It was all dealt with as amicably as I could manage and we managed to end the conversation with a laugh about BIL latest DIY disaster.
Now I'm going to take a big step back. I spoke to DH this morning about it and he seems to be mostly upset that they're not coming to visit us now, rather than about the parties we've missed.
I'm very close to my mum (Dad died 9 years ago now) as she lives just up the road from us. She's never used me as the family scapegoat or painted me as the black sheep. She always stays out of family disagreements and treats us all equally. I think I'll just concentrate on mum and my own little family from now on and forget the faction of family that don't want to spend time with us.
I would like to stop this bollocks about DS painting me as an evil psycho bitch to everyone she meets, but how?

You can't unfortunately. First rule of therapy is you can't change someone's actions, only your own reactions. Sounds like you've taken positive steps to do that, so just keep on that path.

OP I think you have handled this with dignity, but importantly you've also put a line in the sand. You won't accept being walked over. Remember this if you have a little wobble later!

I strongly suspect that you are working out the dynamics here and reprocessing some past events. You are probably closer to the truth now.

But. Is it also worth considering that as our children get older, most people arrange parties for school friends separely from family celebrations? It might be that little Sis would prefer that big sis wasn't at the school friends party either, but doesn't know how to get out of it. Dunno just a thought.

Anyway I think some of this is going to reverberate for a while. Be kind to you.

Play her at her own game! So they have to leave early on Sat for a party that's not your niece's party. Why don't you suggest taking your niece out for a birthday treat on the Saturday & tell your sister you will drop her back on time for her own party on Sunday Not solving the bigger issue but it would be fun to watch your sister come up with an explanation for why you can't do that !

Well done OP I think you've done the right thing and glad it ended amicably.
You can't control what someone says about you, but let's just say actions speak louder than words. You have nothing to prove to anyone.

I am sure your mother is putting the blame on your sister, to avoid trouble and to brush it under the carpet. If it is little sisters problem, you dont have to take ownership and responsibility for yourself in the past. And you can skip along merrily.

"Drugs and alcohol ruined my life at one stage but I binned all that crap and turned things around."

I am pretty sure that this also had an impact on the life of a younger sibling, she must have been so scared and worried.

Much safer for you mum to grasp at straws and blame sisters jealousy on your past good looks and modelling career.

I'm sure that my past has had nothing but positive effects for my little sister. She was the golden child and delighted in getting me in as much trouble as she could. She also knew that she could get away with murder. One example is that her and her friend raided my wardrobe when I was out and stole loads of my clothes, stole my jewellery and other belongings. I missed catching them in the act by minutes. I was furious but she denied it and my parents believed her because I was the black sheep and prone to tell lies. I never got my things back. She positively delighted in any trouble I was causing. Until now I've never held these things against her because we're going back about 20 years.

And I also DO take ownership and responsibility for past errors. Every day. x

Yes but the black sheep is also the prodigal daughter...your Mum refuses to judge you and little sis is furious (and all her rebellion was hidden so in her eyes she never did anything wrong).

Well done op, you handled it really well and it sounds positive for you. Your sister is not a very nice and spiteful person, and it seems she is jealous of you, instead of being happy for you, she is glowering in the background trying to trip you up. Your best off away from it all, and just concentrate on your mum and little family.

Sounds as if she doesn't like you.

But then it would be odd that they wanted to visit & stay.

If only an hour away, why would they have wanted to stay?

Where they going elsewhere & you would conveniently break the journey?

They wanted to stay over because my sister doesn't drive and our husbands have a little bromance thing going on. They like to have a few beers and chat. Staying over would allow them to do this.

So you usually all get on & see each other-it's just the party tha tyou don't get invited to?

If so, might that be anything to do with your other sister?

Diddl - read the whole thread, it's moved on slightly!

I agree absolutely with your Mum that she's jealous. You've had some issues in the past, but have turned your life into the family and business success that it now is. She can't possibly have the real you meet the friends that she's been slagging you off to for years! Hope you have a lovely weekend with your DH and little ones.

My not-so-DSis also use to try to piss on my back and tell me it's raining, figuratively. It became a psychological prop for her, she has never really let it go and it's part of who she is now.

Recently she wanted a large favour from me, assuming I would 'be a good sport' about it and do what she wanted as usual. Er, no, I would not do it and gave no explanation. She felt massively 'let down' that I was 'so unkind'. WTF...someone else could have done what she was asking, only if that happened DSis would have had to pay them.

The year long silence has been bliss.

"Diddl - read the whole thread, it's moved on slightly!"

I have read the thread.

I see that the other sisters are closer & that the youngest has badmouthed Op in the past.

With that info, it doesn't seem surprising that Op isn't invited.

""I was a complete pain in the neck as a teenager/20 something. ""

I know it's moved on, but I have a similar issue in my family.

My eldest went through what sounds like a similar time as you. My youngest will never forgive her for the spoilt family times, the ignoring of everyone's Birthday, except hers of course, expecting everyone to drop their boundaries, the utter selfishness of it all etc. My youngest is of the opinion that we'll never get those times back, especially now my Mum has died. Also that she shouldn't have been subjected to that behaviour.

She doesn't care if my eldest does a complete turn around, she won't forgive her.

I don't get involved because she's entitled to her take on it all, I don't want to minimise how my eldest made her feel.

My middle DD is only just realising the effect it's had on her and now she's in her 20's she is LC.

Reading your posts, there is definite resentment and anger (and a form of hatred) towards you, if you want to sum that up as jealousy, then so be it.

People who are being very harsh towards your Sister have never lived with someone close as you were, behaving as you did around them for so long.

Lots of people on here who hold grudges. OP was an addict 12 years ago so doesn't deserve to be invited to parties? REALLY?

To paraphrase the financial services industry, past behaviour is no prediction of future behaviour. People change. Their circumstances change. They grow up.

I think that next time she starts a covo about your past, and you both have a laught together about it, you then laughingly start remembering theory about the time she and her mate stole your clothes, aand then there was the time she did X or Y etc etc.

See if that helps her get over herself.

well next time she brings up your past it's time to hold her to account. fuck it if she gets upset. maybe she'll stop then.

You can't control your DSIS and you can't get her to whitewash your past because it would suit you. You're very committed to your 'new person narrative' which is fine and you can rightly be proud if you've turned your life around but no-one (not even your family) owes you the right to wipe the slate clean. It isn't clean. There's years of messing writing all over it.
There's an astonishing lack of empathy in your posts. It's as though you think you have a right to be at your niece's parties. You don't. And even after your DSIS spent two hours telling you how upset she was with you and what you did in the past, you act as though she's embellishing because you don't remember those events. Quite often , people who behave badly don't realise the impact even small actions can have.

Sounds like your sisters are not nice people OP. Especially the younger one who reveled in your bad behaviour whilst being 'the good one' and no she can't do that anymore and it sounds like you have made a success of your life, which she clearly hates. Plus the modelling thing sounds like you are attractive, definitely sounds like jealousy and jealous people are not nice to be around at all. A mum at school seems to get jealous a lot and makes little snidey comments or says things behind others backs, it's a really unattractive trait and I've distanced myself.