To be upset that we're excluded from this family event?

[allfurcoatandnoknickers1]

Hi
I'm a little upset and need to know whether I'm overreacting or not.
Every year my younger sister, who lives about an hour away from us, throws a party from home for her daughter. Invited to this event are all her partners family, as they live very close by. And our older sister with her family, who lives a good couple of hours away from them.
Not once have they invited me and my husband and our children. I only ever find out about these birthday parties via Facebook AFTER they have happened when a guest says something like 'see you at the party later on'. Usually I don't allow it to bother me and I've never said that I know but this year things are a little different. My sister and her partner have asked if they can come and visit us on Friday and stay overnight, the day before my nieces birthday. Of course, I said yes and that it would be lovely to have them. Plus it gives me the chance to hand over her 5th birthday presents in person for once.
They then mentioned that they would have to be away quite early on Saturday morning and when I queried what time they wanted to be on the road for and why, there was a mumbled mention of a party they've got to go to. I didn't say anything but I realise this must be the birthday party that we're always excluded from. I feel like they're coming to see us just to appease their own guilt for deliberately not inviting us every year. Why would they invite our other sister and her family, but not us? Our children get along brilliantly and I thought that us adults did too. I want to say something about it but I'm concerned that I'll be rude to them about it on Friday when they stay here. Do I need to just grow up or have I got good reason to be a bit put out?

[Aeroflotgirl]

sweet, op has turned her life around and has not behaved like that for quite a while, there is no excuse for her to treat yiu in such an awful way.

[PovertyPain]

Actually, I don't think she stayed over to appease her guilt. I think she wanted you to know and was hoping you'd ask her why, so she could start an argument and start behaving like a wee fucker again. I think you need to step back and look at your relationship with her. If you were sone one else looking at the relationship, would you genuinely think you are close. I used to think I was close to my younger sister and spoilt her rotten, until I found her diary (I wasn't looking and I was very young). I was devastated by the poison in it, but when I stepped back, a lot of things feel into place. So sorry, you're having such a rotten time.

[Whocansay]

You were 'a bit of a handful' were you?!?!?! And that's your best spin! Is there someone who would be going to this particular party that you have previously offended that you would not usually see? I suspect there is, and that's why you are not invited.

Sounds like a 'roosting chickens' situation to me. You may have reformed, but you've already done the damage.

You have to ask what you've done, or you can never make it right.

[Lynnm63]

If I wasn't welcome at the party they definitely wouldn't be welcome to stay with me. You're good enough to use as a free B&B but not good enough to join them at the party.

[Aeroflotgirl]

I agreelynn so your good enough as a free hotel, but not good enough for their party.

[Rockhopper81]

Ask her ouright why you've never been invited to your niece's birthday party. She must know you know from Facebook that they've happened, so I'd be inclined to tell her you know about them and ask why you've never been invited.

I don't agree with other posters about things you did over 10 years ago and pre-children - you haven't done anything daft/dangerous for a long time, you shouldn't have to 'beg' for anybody's forgiveness. You've proven you've 'grown up' and settled down with your children.

Bringing up past indiscretions when your new baby was desperately ill though is horrible, and I wouldn't have got over that easily, so the fact you are still so amenable to see and go on holiday with this sister surely shows that you've changed from your party-going days.

Also - without being intentionally insensitive if this is an issue - don't your parents have anything to say about this lack of an invite?

[AIMGA]

100% after with Aero - distance yourself from her. I had a very similar relationship to my sister...she was very passive aggressive like your sister and I now believe it was jealousy that I 'turned my life around'.
It was better for her when I was a fuck up!! (She was better seen/I was more entertaining/her life looked better)

[allfurcoatandnoknickers1]

The plot thickens. I just messaged her and asked casually if my niece was having a birthday party on Saturday. No, according to little sis. She's having a party on Sunday afternoon. They've hired a place and a bouncy castle.
Is our big sister and family going? I asked.
The response is 'I haven't asked them. They're staying over here on Saturday night but I don't know if they'll stay for the party or not'.
I don't know what to make of this.

[nancy75]

Ask now why you are not invited & never have been!!

[Aeroflotgirl]

That's a lie, she's avoiding the u comfortable questions. I woukd just come right out with it, you have nothing to loose.

[PovertyPain]

Just let it go, OP. The wee fucker is trying to wind you up. Don't bother replying, because she's trying to goad you.

[Rainbunny]

Why are tiptoeing around this OP? Just ask her straight out, let he know that you've been aware for years that you've been excluded from this party every year and it hurts. You could text this to her if it's easier than speaking to her.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Totally Aimga when you were not in a good place, you made her look good, I agree it might be jealousy

[Whocansay]

The plot has not thickened. They are doing what they usually do, and so are you.

Stop all the hand wringing and ask them why you aren't invited.

[allfurcoatandnoknickers1]

Aghhhhh! I'm not the type to avoid asking uncomfortable questions. I'm known for speaking my mind amongst friends, but this is different. I don't want to further reinforce the trouble maker label. I think it's what my little sister wants.

[Gazelda]

Ok, you've opened up the conversation. Now just ask her why you're never invited.
"I've always wondered why we're never invited to niece's party - I'd love to spend her special day with her and I know Big Sis enjoys the parties you throw. Is there a reason why you don't invite us?"

[newnameoldme]

can you say, 'sis..i just have to ask..how come we have never been invited to the birthday party..i've always wondered but didn't know how to ask.."

[LoisWilkersonsLastNerve]

This is your chance. Ask her will she need a hand or food brought to the party.

[Rainbunny]

Is there a guest who attends the annual party who you'd feel comfortable asking about this situation? Not your big sis from what you've written, or your dm?

[Wolfiefan]

You've just said you have a trouble maker label. Maybe that's why?

[Aeroflotgirl]

.Stop being a doormat op and start having a bad one and defending and valuing yourself. She is being a shit and you let her!

[Aeroflotgirl]

Let's beat op around the head with it forever more shall we then!

[allfurcoatandnoknickers1]

Right, I've asked her. She said 'sorry. It's pretty much xxx's school friends. I just thought you lived too far away'
But big sis lives further.???

[rolopolovolo]

I still don't really understand the dynamic and "a bit of a handful" is one of the strongest euphemisms I've ever seen. Especially since the OP can describe in great detail every drunken incident that her family members have done (and has done so), but everything she's done is somehow "a bit of trouble".

[Aeroflotgirl]

Bad excuse, I would not be hosting her, really I woukd not!