To be upset that we're excluded from this family event?

[allfurcoatandnoknickers1]

Hi
I'm a little upset and need to know whether I'm overreacting or not.
Every year my younger sister, who lives about an hour away from us, throws a party from home for her daughter. Invited to this event are all her partners family, as they live very close by. And our older sister with her family, who lives a good couple of hours away from them.
Not once have they invited me and my husband and our children. I only ever find out about these birthday parties via Facebook AFTER they have happened when a guest says something like 'see you at the party later on'. Usually I don't allow it to bother me and I've never said that I know but this year things are a little different. My sister and her partner have asked if they can come and visit us on Friday and stay overnight, the day before my nieces birthday. Of course, I said yes and that it would be lovely to have them. Plus it gives me the chance to hand over her 5th birthday presents in person for once.
They then mentioned that they would have to be away quite early on Saturday morning and when I queried what time they wanted to be on the road for and why, there was a mumbled mention of a party they've got to go to. I didn't say anything but I realise this must be the birthday party that we're always excluded from. I feel like they're coming to see us just to appease their own guilt for deliberately not inviting us every year. Why would they invite our other sister and her family, but not us? Our children get along brilliantly and I thought that us adults did too. I want to say something about it but I'm concerned that I'll be rude to them about it on Friday when they stay here. Do I need to just grow up or have I got good reason to be a bit put out?

The thing that I'd urge caution is on letting your mother totally off the hook. By burying her head she enabled your father. She must have witnessed his behaviour but didn't protect you all from it. There may well be abuse of some sort in her background or some reason she just "went along with it".

I have a friend from a very dysfunctional family - also 4 daughters (but definitely not yours). One story she told me is about the day her younger sister K did something wrong, and her mother forced her father to beat K and keep beating her. Now what shocked me almost more than anything about this was, I couldn't understand how anyone could have ever forced a father to do that. It was wrong, it was obviously wrong even to a child, the parents knew it wasn't something they wanted others finding out about - but they both allowed to happen.

That is the reason that my friend at times feels very conflicted about her father - who at times is being abused by her mother.
Your family must have been a very unsafe place to grow up - as none of the adults could be trusted to help you - and they showed that in so many ways.

Oh Op, I've just read your whole thread - it sounds awful for you. I've no wise advice to add but would just say to stick with your DH & your own little family & try to stay strong & rise above.

[FWIW, I agree with the other posters re your mum - she does have a lot to answer for by enabling your DFs behaviour & even enabling your DSis behaviour to a certain extent. Sorry!]

mummytime. I'm also very conflicted by my father. He died when I was 16. He was also physically abusive at times but not nasty although he wasn't controlled by my mother, perhaps manipulated at times. Unlike my mother, I knew he loved me. Think children trying to bring up children. I do agree with what you're saying about op not letting her mother completely off the hook. She made choices to stay although I do suspect it was far more difficult to leave in those days.

Just remember that your true family is made up of the people who love and value you. Those people may or may not be your relatives. In your case I think I'd try very hard to let your sisters go and look around my life for those who do care or who you'd like to be friends with.

One thing to explain your little sister's antipathy is the fact that a lot of your parents attention was diverted to you during your rough time. Your little sister may feel that your parents neglected her for you. This would be especially true if she was well behaved and didn't get the attention her behaviour deserved because your parents were focused on your bad behaviour.

Not your fault of course, you were reacting to trauma the only way you knew how.

I've noticed that photos have started appearing on Facebook. People who live local to me who are family friends, they've been invited and they travelled the hour or so to the party. There's also some lovely photos of my niece and big sister at the party. I can't help but feel really hurt. I feel like picking up the phone and yelling at her before telling her to fuck off out of my life forever. I know that sounds terribly dramatic and a huge overreaction to not being invited to a sodding party, but that's where I'm at right now.

Of course your hurting, she's as nasty as hell. Tbh I would not have anything more to do with her, she is toxic.

The thing is it's not remotely over a childs party is it. It is a symbol of her treatment of you and attitude towards you. Any bad reaction you have is completely justified by what you have discovered about her. I'd delete and block her on Facebook. Let's face it, would your life be worse off for not having her in it? I have a much younger sister. I see her once a year, we don't really have anything to say to each other. She's pretty selfish and up herself and I'm not interested in people like that. I don't have her on Facebook and have no intention of it.

I agree, I would delete and block her, does she have any nice qualities, as there does not seem to be any. she sounds like she adds very little to your life, so i would have nothing more to do with her.

If I delete and block her she'll have a field day telling everyone what a nutter I am. Plus I'll be cutting out not just her but her 2 kids and my BIL.
I've always adored her, so letting go will be hard. I love spending time with her - she makes me laugh and feel truly comfortable when she's at her best. Problems arise only when other people are added to the equation and she then turns on me.
Just had a chat with DH who is also upset now that he's seen the photos and can see for himself that it was a party for friends and family which we've been blatantly excluded from. Unsure what to do now but I need to do something.

OP you sound like you've had your catharsis and the past is behind you. Your sisters all sound like a mess. TBH I would distance myself from them because you have your own lovely family and you don't need their shit. Don't torture yourself with the photos - use them as a licence to free yourself from your youngest sister's twisted games.

Please keep in mind that your BIL likely has an opinion of you formed by your sister's words and actions. The same will go for your her kids - they'll hear her words about you.

I'm NC with all 3 of my siblings. My eldest nephews I'm still in contact with, but my niece, who I was close too, now has exactly the same opinion of me that her mother does.

You need to think about you, and your family unit first and foremost. Yes, it would be lovely to keep a relationship with your nieces or nephews, but you also need to be very honest with yourself about the chances of your sister allowing that to happen.

You also mentioned that your BIL and your DH were close - can you see that continuing now that your DH realises that your sister and BIL have been actively excluding you, him and your children?

Your sister has been lying to people for years that means it looks to the outside world that you've NEVER made the effort to go to your niece's birthday party... Either your BIL knows that you have been excluded or he believes that - do you think the relationship will be salvagable?

these are things you need to brace yourself for.

Also, before you contact your estranged sister please think very carefully about what you want, and about what you are ready to hear, and most importantly about how you'll feel if she simply refuses to speak to you.

It's easy to say "I'd do this..." or "You should do that..." but this is your life and you have to live with this. I spoke to my eldest brother too soon on the advice of other people and I was nowhere near ready for what he had to say. You need to do things to your own timetable.

Yes, I'm a fool if I think I'll be able to have a relationship with my BIL and her kids. She'll ensure that's impossible. What a mess.
Would it be a stupid overreaction to just forget the lot of them, big sister and family as well as little sister and hers? I just don't know, but I feel like telling them all to go fuck themselves.

Damped if you do, damed if you don't! She is probably talking behind your back anyway. Really you need to distance yourself from her, it's like an abusive relationship, you see the good side of them, and are clinging onto any nuggets of the nice part of them, all the while the are just a nasty horrid individual. lala is completely right.

She's saying nasty things to your face, I can't imagine what she's saying behind your back. From what you said about her behaviour towards you, I wou,d not put it passed her!

You're not a fool.

One person shouldn't decide on a whim what relationship other people have, but they do (my brother left his wife for 3 weeks when she said she wanted to stay in contact with me - she'd been like a mother/big sister/aunt figure to me for over 20 years!).

What you need to do, and it's not easy, is work out what you want. I wrote a list. 1 was a relationship with my brother where he treated me like and adult and with respect. 2 was a civil relationship with said brother where we only met on family occasions. And so on and so forth. Then I went through my list and realised that I couldn't have no 1 because brother wouldn't have it. Until I made the decision that I couldn't have what I wanted, but I could have control over how I let that affect me.

In your shoes I would probably write a letter to each important family member. I'd explain my side and my stance. Then I'd put them away for 2/3 weeks and then decide if I was going to send them. I burned all of mine except for one, which I sent.

Just distance yourself for now.

Play it cool, see what happens, slowly back off. If you create a discussion/argument etc. it will reflect badly on you.

There is no rush to make decisions, take "time out" let yourself grieve etc before you do something that there is no coming back from.

I am NC with my family, I can understand if you want to do this but don't feel you need to do anything "now". Take your time, perhaps get in touch with your estranged sister first and see what else you find out about your family.

My husband's just messaged her asking why she didn't invite us. The response...because you withdrew your invitation to have us on the Friday. I'm astounded! Showed DH our message history and reminded him how she ALWAYS blames me for everything. He said 'well, if I ever implied that you were crackers before I'm deeply sorry. That's proof that she's not who I thought she was'.

What's her excuse for her not inviting you to previous parties, she is nasty and I am glad your husband is seeing her for who she really is.

She never invited you to the party in the first place, what a cow.

Because pirates she wants other people's opinion before she says anything. ...did you not read her post.

Wow what a read allfur, I'm sorry to have arrived so late to participate.

I was assaulted as a very young child by my step father, I said nothing at the time, then 15 years later it turned out he'd abused my four sisters as well, only for extended periods of time. It has absolutely affected our relationships horribly, we have next to no relationship.

When I read that your parents didn't believe you as a 9 year old, my heart broke for you, then I read your father was abusive, it all makes sense. My step dad was a total twat, abuse aside. It's taken me years to accept that my Mum didn't prevent or stop the physical and verbal and emotional abuse, even knowing nothing about the sexual abuse. Your teenage behavior undoubtedly was a result of both incidents in your childhood. I'm so happy for you that you recovered and made a better life for yourself.

Your sister might be fighting demons she doesn't even know she has, triggered by seeing you turn out happy and successful. There's nothing you can really do about that. I do think jealousy is a factor. You also said your sister didn't particularly react when you told her about your abuse - that suggests she was either triggered by that, maybe she was abused also? Or she doesn't believe you. I think speaking to sister 2 would potentially be very informative, no doubt she has skeletons you are not aware of. It might help you both, if she's willing, to make sense of your pasts together.

In the mean time, i'm of the mind that you keep pleasant and normal with the rest of the family. I wouldn't hold back from telling them the truth in conversation. Say how sorry your children were to have not been invited to their cousins party etc.

Families suck. I'm sorry.

I'd message back and tell her that she told you she had a party to go to on the Sat so clearly had no intention of inviting you - same as every other year and does she want to give you the real reason?

The shit hit the metaphorical fan tonight. She got it both barrels from me, but I was surprised at her humility and repentance. The conversation took place via Messenger because it's pretty late in the evening, but she was almost excruciatingly apologetic. The cynic in me wonders who she plans on showing our exchange. I've no doubt that to an outsider I look like a crazy harridan," but she knows now exactly how I feel and what my thoughts are. She knows that she no longer has any hold over me. I'm not the black sheep; I'm reborn and I don't need to worry about fitting her mould anymore.
I've drank this evening. Just a little. I feel bad, really bad and I don't know why I've allowed this to happen. I'm going to try and sleep now and see what tomorrow brings. Thank you so much you beautiful people. Xx

Oh Allfur it's not you. You didn't do this! You simply asked to be treated as a valued and loved member of your family.

I read your post and I just keep thinking (and there may be a glass or three of wine influencing this...) of storms. You know how the days leading up to a rip roaring summer storm are humid and oppressive? The the storm rips through and the air lightens, everything is clean and fresh, the air is cleared. Sure, sometimes there are trees down and a little clean up, but a storm is a great way of getting rid of the deadwood. Your relationship will be transformed by this. I am hoping that it is for the better and that you and your sister can grow a relationship where you value and respect the people you are now. Our pasts make us who we are, for better or worse. Your sister can now get to know the real you, who you are now is the real you. Everything led you to who you are now. And don't you think you're pretty amazing?

I think you need to distance yourself from all of them. None of them are good for your mental health. You don't have to make any great announcement that you're going nc just stop making the effort. Send a Christmas card if you like but just that. Spend your time, love and energy on people who love you back.
You have a great husband and kids focus on them and your friends.