To be upset that we're excluded from this family event?

[allfurcoatandnoknickers1]

Hi
I'm a little upset and need to know whether I'm overreacting or not.
Every year my younger sister, who lives about an hour away from us, throws a party from home for her daughter. Invited to this event are all her partners family, as they live very close by. And our older sister with her family, who lives a good couple of hours away from them.
Not once have they invited me and my husband and our children. I only ever find out about these birthday parties via Facebook AFTER they have happened when a guest says something like 'see you at the party later on'. Usually I don't allow it to bother me and I've never said that I know but this year things are a little different. My sister and her partner have asked if they can come and visit us on Friday and stay overnight, the day before my nieces birthday. Of course, I said yes and that it would be lovely to have them. Plus it gives me the chance to hand over her 5th birthday presents in person for once.
They then mentioned that they would have to be away quite early on Saturday morning and when I queried what time they wanted to be on the road for and why, there was a mumbled mention of a party they've got to go to. I didn't say anything but I realise this must be the birthday party that we're always excluded from. I feel like they're coming to see us just to appease their own guilt for deliberately not inviting us every year. Why would they invite our other sister and her family, but not us? Our children get along brilliantly and I thought that us adults did too. I want to say something about it but I'm concerned that I'll be rude to them about it on Friday when they stay here. Do I need to just grow up or have I got good reason to be a bit put out?

Focus on your own little family, just give yourself space and time to heal. I've been exactly here, it gets easier as you discover and accept who really gives a shit. It's not you, it's them. Leave them to it.

Maybe she doesn't need any more drama if her husband is such an arsenal? Why did you feel the need to message? Stepping back would have been enough. Try to be honest with yourself about what you hoped to achieve. Sounds like you got the wrong attention from dad and mam didn't give you enough. I don't think you're going to get any from big sister.

Try to distract yourself. Meet up with a good positive friend. Or maybe try a new hobby? Have you read much literature on dysfunctional families?

Arse *

Stop. No more texts etc. It seem to me that you are consciously or unconsciously doing it hoping for the 'right' response. It's not going to happen. Don't torture yourself.

You said your piece, now let it go. Focus on your own world. Leave them alone to stew on theirs.

Yes, you're right. I need to step back and take stock. The only reason I can think of as to why I felt the need to message my eldest sister is because I'm a fucking idiot. I think I was hoping that she'd say something supportive and perhaps that she'd be there for me when I felt ready to contact her.

Oh, no I haven't read anything on dysfunctional families. Can you recommend any titles that might be helpful? x

OP I've read every post on this thread and I'm sorry but I think you've handled this rather badly.

I recommended at the beginning you not uninvite them. You shouldn't have. Sorry, but it just made.you look petty and stroppy. The husbands wanted to see each other but because you're not invited to a party that at that stage you weren't even clear on, you just pulled the plug.

And you kept saying you'd keep a dignified silence and your Mum would say least said soonest mended....but you've been back and forth to each sister ever since. Basically needling and needling. You just can't let it go! They're sick of it. They're sick of you. Hence your eldest sisters rather weary response which was the equivalent of her going Righty Ho, Crack On Love.

Sorry but I think you're unable to stop the drama. Deleting all your contacts?

You keep complaining that people are judging you on the horrors of your past behaviour. But I suspect that you create more drama than you admit. The thing with the eldest sisters husband - DRAMA. Banning him from your house? Really? The other sister launched herself across a table at you at your Dad's funeral? DRAMA.

In your narrative it's all so unfair! But I'm exhausted just reading it, tbh.

I sympathise.
Both my DBro and DM decided that my family were no longer going to be invited to their houses. They both took the decision independently, based on the fact I had done something to upset them. They never told me what I had done wrong, I was never given the chance to apologise or sort it out. I was just dropped. But - and this is the bit that really gets my goat - they both still expected to come to my house. And if they did not get the invitations they felt they deserved, they both felt entitled to have a go at me. This went on for over a decade. I put an end to it a few years ago and as a result barely see them any more. It's just nuts.

Yep, I know I've handled it really badly. You're not telling me something I don't already know. I wish I could go back and redo it but I can't. I've reacted the way I have because it hurt me.
And there no way I would have had them to stay over on the Friday regardless of what you recommended. I can't pretend to be pleased to see them when I'm so upset with her.

look after yourself allfur

Well you can say you've not handled it perfectly, but you've handled it exactly the way I would. How do you feel about backing right off now, find nice things for you and your immediate family to do (ie you, husband, kids) and just concentrate on that? Focus on your tight group and let the rest of the world just wash over you. Just look for the good in your own activities and forget about anyone else. Don't contact them but don't sit at home waiting for them to do so either. Fill your life with other things so there is no time to sit and think.

Just caught this thread and read it in full.

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this fallout, but it sounds to me like it was going to happen eventually. I come from a long line of dysfunction, and I can relate with certainty that, even in the good times, there's always an underlying tension in dysfunctional families.

I know it's hard to not say anything now, but you need to not. Nothing you say will change anything. And they won't say anything to change things, either-certainly not for your benefit!

It's best right now to accept the apology you'll never get. Sucks, I know.

I disagree with Elspeth; I don't think you should blame yourself, OP.

I've been in a similar situation to you with a difficult sister who eventually cut me off entirely. I spent ages second-guessing myself and thinking that her bad treatment of me was somehow due to me not giving her enough space or alternatively giving her too much space, saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, and so on. I finally realised that nothing I could say or do really had any impact on the situation. The bottom line was that my sister didn't like me and didn't want to see me. Like you, we come from a dysfunctional family and there is a history of abuse and sibling jealousy that goes back very deep.

As sad as I am now to have lost contact with her and her children (I have DC too, who would love to know hers), I've become better at detaching myself emotionally from her over the years. In some ways, the non-contact (even though I didn't initiate it) has been very freeing.

It is extremely frustrating when well-meaning relatives who regularly see my sister tell me what a wonderful person she is and what a shame it is I can't get on with her / reach out to her. (As if I hadn't spent years trying to reach out with her, while respecting her terms...)

Don't blame your sister's crazy behaviour on yourself. Your feelings of hurt are valid too and it's unrealistic to expect yourself to act like an angel at all times in the face of lies and rejection. I think you were right to disinvite her -- otherwise you are sending her the message that it's fine for her to exclude you and lie to you about it. Whereas in fact it's very much not fine.

The way to happiness lies in detachment but it's fair enough you haven't been able to maintain detachment at this stage when your feelings are still so raw.

For what it's worth, I'm an alcoholic in recovery myself (though my years of active addiction didn't start till after the sibling estrangement happened, weirdly enough).

You're doing well. You're being honest with yourself and with your family members; I don't think you can do more.

noncommittal: Nothing you say will change anything.

Yes, this!

Am I right in thinking she won't invite you but is happy to come to yours to accept gifts? Cheek.

I don't agree with Elspeth , sorry I don't, yet again she has subbed you and treated you like rubbish, I could not entertain her, knowing that she has had a big party for her child yet again, and not invited op. About time op has said something, all the time she has been quiet and worried about upsetting the equlibrium. Its like a simmering volcano ready to explode, it had to happen. Your sister needed to know how you felt, instead of you keeping it in yet again, and being treated badly by her.

OP don't beat yourself up about it. I guarantee your sister isn't doing the same. Whatever you did would have been wrong. Because to fix this relationship needed both of you to want it. And your sister doesn't. Not for now anyway.

You had the best intentions and anyone who judges you doesn't know a) the truth of the situation or b) the real YOU.

I recognise your relationship because it sounds like my own with my younger sister. She has hurt/rejected me so many times and all I have wanted was to have a better relationship

. I think that although it still hurts (when she doesn't want to see me, her neice nephew etc at xmas and arranges secretly to see my parents but doesn't invite me), I just take comfort from the fact that I've tried and have my own little family unit. I grieve what I don't have, a sister, an Aunt for my children and parents who are interested in and part of their grandchildren's (my children) lives.

But I have found some inner peace about it on the whole. I've stopped trying to understand why and tried to accept that people have their flaws. It's her problem, not mine and I can't do anything to change it/her/them.

Your sister will have her reasons for her behaviour towards you, but it's complicated.

She probably doesn't understand/acknowledge her real motives herself, or want to. I suspect she took her self worth from your "black sheep" status, which made her feel superior, felt angry with you for what you put your family through in your turbulent early years and deep down doesn't forgive you for that.

You can't change that, however much time passes and however much you have changed. It's how she still sees you. And that's sad and unfair but out of your control.

Unless you have family therapy or she has an equal desire to mend things, I don't think you will ever have the relationship that you want with your sister. It's not in your power, so let go and take control of what you do have the power to change from within.

Don't give her the power to hurt you by putting yourself in vulnerable positions. But do hold your head high that you have tried and actually considering her long term behaviour towards you, that's very commendable. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

You need to find a way of making peace with not having the sister you want but not alienate yourself from your family and friends.

It's very raw and painful right now but no real harm done. Don't torture yourself by imagining what games she is playing or what people will think. She's not a very kind or decent person if she feels the need to do that.

You know your truth OP. Be strong. You are a better person, remember that.

You kept your mouth shut when your BIL said he would send your children into care if you were no longer around. After keeping the peace for moments like that, I can't blame you for exploding a little now. It's not even that she didn't invite you - but presumably from your older sister believing you were invited, your family has thought you have snubbed the invitation 5 years running!

I think the best direction from here is to emphasise how hurt you are, rather than angry. Anger allows her to continue the narrative of her being the victim, bowing to her mean older sister, whereas hurt is a lot harder to vilify for her.

I would advise talking to the NC sister. I think she will illuminate the situation - and as she is NC, it shouldn't make anything worse, say in getting back to the rest of the family. But good luck with everything, I hope it works out someway.

You know you haven't over-reacted.
There's only one dialogue that I'd keep repeating should anyone ask and that's "we've NEVER been invited. We don't know why. It hurts."

Then, distance yourselves.

You have done nothing wrong.

There's nothing wrong with seeking attention from big sis it's natural.

I haven't read anything on dysfunctional families. I'm over my shit. I'm close to my siblings luckily. I've forgiven dad as he had a bad upbringing. No excuse but I focus on my own life and those I love. I work with mental health patients with challenging behaviour so have plenty to distract me

You'll begin to feel better soon. Bit raw at the moment.

It's easy to give advice and say 'do nothing , don't react , withdraw ' - very easy !
But OP lost her shit and hey we are all human are we not ?

I don't think you've handled it particularly 'badly'. I think you desperately needed to know where you stand with your sisters and this was the opportunity to get it out in the open. It may have been 'awkward' but that doesn't equal 'bad'.

Please don't beat yourself up over this! It's now in the open and that's good. Your questions have been answered and you know where you stand. Now, move forward knowing that you have said your truth. You are open and honest, they were deceptive in their treatment of you. You didn't get the answers you wanted, but at least you got your answers.

Thank you so so much, everyone. You've all been fantastic and have given excellent advice. For now I'm going to concentrate on my own little family and forget all of this bollocks. Much love to you all. Xx

Really rude.

Ask straight out why you're not invited.

I think that's exceptionally harsh of Elspeth. Her SISTER has treated her badly for years, lied to her, lied about her, emotionally bullied and manipulated her, and you think she's unreasonable for reacting at last?? I certainly don't judge her for it. But then I always feel worse when I don't stand up for myself over regretting what I said, being a walk over doesn't give me a sense of peace or satisfaction.
She should stand up for herself, she should let her sister know what a cowbag she is, and she's offended and hurt by her. She has a right to defend her name to her family and in doing so call her sister out for the liar she is. The worst thing allfur has done in this situation is not standing up for herself sooner.