To be upset that we're excluded from this family event?

[allfurcoatandnoknickers1]

Hi
I'm a little upset and need to know whether I'm overreacting or not.
Every year my younger sister, who lives about an hour away from us, throws a party from home for her daughter. Invited to this event are all her partners family, as they live very close by. And our older sister with her family, who lives a good couple of hours away from them.
Not once have they invited me and my husband and our children. I only ever find out about these birthday parties via Facebook AFTER they have happened when a guest says something like 'see you at the party later on'. Usually I don't allow it to bother me and I've never said that I know but this year things are a little different. My sister and her partner have asked if they can come and visit us on Friday and stay overnight, the day before my nieces birthday. Of course, I said yes and that it would be lovely to have them. Plus it gives me the chance to hand over her 5th birthday presents in person for once.
They then mentioned that they would have to be away quite early on Saturday morning and when I queried what time they wanted to be on the road for and why, there was a mumbled mention of a party they've got to go to. I didn't say anything but I realise this must be the birthday party that we're always excluded from. I feel like they're coming to see us just to appease their own guilt for deliberately not inviting us every year. Why would they invite our other sister and her family, but not us? Our children get along brilliantly and I thought that us adults did too. I want to say something about it but I'm concerned that I'll be rude to them about it on Friday when they stay here. Do I need to just grow up or have I got good reason to be a bit put out?

op, don't feel bad for anything you've said or how you handled this.

from my experience of narcs, this is just another mask she's putting on to fool people.
she was taken aback by your dh texting/confronting her, to her it means you have a vocal ally,

she will now play the victim role - "look how bad i feel and how much i've apologised and she's still got an attitude with me"
she will probably start a narrative about your dh now to try and discredit anything he says - you control your dh/he's under your thumb etc

i found it rather cathartic when i finally let rip at my sibling, i don't regret it.
she still carries on her antics any opportunity she gets but i've gone extremely low/nc with her and feel better for it.

Good on you, that needed to be done. Now distance yourself and concentrate on your family. I would not put it passed her to talk behind your back, and paint herself as the victim. She sounds very manipulative and toxic.

Family relations are so difficult, and the hardest thing for all involved is to see anything from the other´s person side. In my own family, I have a very difficult relationship with my brother. He resents me after he had a difficult adolescence, whereas I was generally more content and confident. As a result, he treats me with so much disrespect, yet from his perspective, he will 100% see himself as the victim (and maybe I miss something in how I view the situation)

I started reading your thread OP when you first started. I am/was always left out of family parties and holidays - never knew the reasons why, one time I was at my DP house as they were busy prepping for a party - even asked what's going on, but they didn't hear me! I had my 4 DC with me, even they were confused. DS2 - I found out later - said 'Grandma, can I have a sausage roll'
'No they're for the party' DM said
'Ooo, can we come?'
'It's for family only' Said DM
'But we're family grandma'
DM had gone deaf again.
The family members that had went showed us what a fab time they'd had! No one asked why we didn't go. I think they were in a roundabout way asking why we didn't go, but what could I say???? My DP are arseholes??
It still hurts now, years and years down the line, but it's their loss, they cut my out long before I finally said enough.
and hugs for you.
And I know this is not what MN concenus but I'd be posting on the pics how you would've loved to have been invited.

Oh god Dubai that is awful, what a nasty spiteful cow to do that, and to blatantly do that to her grandchildren when they asked about the party, takes a different level of evil which is what your MIL is. Do you hear from her or anything?

Just seen your update op do you believe she will genuinely change after last nights showdowm?

The thing is this fucking party has been a boil waiting to burst.

You knew it was coming, and stressed
You handled the non-invitation, and stressed
Then the boil metaphorically burst when you saw the Photos, of course you are fucking hurt!!!

It’s all done now. Trust me you will feel very different next year.

I 100% agree with the people that saw to withdraw but very gently. No drama

As a starter for 10 - stop following her and stop following the people that posted photos. I don’t follow my SIl for this very same reason, I get hurt seeing my family on fuckling cunting Facebook!!!

Focus your family, take a time to reply to messages and bit by focus on the people that make you feel good and make you feel happy.

It hurts , you are not alone but as much as you love her, remember that she doesn’t do things that make you feel good about yourself

No, I doubt it very much. I don't think she will ever change. I'm cutting contact with her for the time being and seeing how that feels. I feel guilty today, like I've overreacted and I'm pretty sure she's busy making sure everyone else thinks that too.

Let that guilt pass, you have nothing to feel guilty for. what for finally standing up for yourself and not being treated like crap anymore. As time goes by it will get easier, unfollow your sisters on Facebook.

It will get easier / now you feel awful as it's all come to a head

I strongly urge you to gently retract / no drama as it's upsetting you

'Sorry a bit to upset to speak right now - will be in touch ' etc

As living in warfare with every incoming text or email causing aggro is no way to live

As PP said that you can't change someone else, you can only change your reaction to them.

Walk away from her, but don't bolt the door behind you - she might wish to repair the relationship, but it does seem unlikely.

It seems that your father has managed to damage all of you in some way or another. He was the bully in the past, and now she's taken on that role in his absence - most probably because of the damage he did to her. Belittling you to other friends/family gives her power.

I would advise removing yourself entirely from Facebook (don't just block her) - it's only ever going to provide reminders of her and what you're missing, and that's pain you don't need or deserve.

From what your mother has said, your sister is very probably quite jealous of you and a lot of her behaviour stems from this. I think that you are doing the right thing by having a break from her as she needs to realise what she is doing is not on. There were clearly reasons for your behaviour when you were younger but even if there weren't you shouldn't feel guilty or apologetic about it 20 years later. It is outrageous that she is still going on about it.

What happened OP? Did she apologise for not inviting you to the party?

Yeah, she was really apologetic. Completely the opposite to how I expected her to behave.
My husband said about an hour ago that eldest sister had put some party photos on FB. When I looked for them they weren't there and also DH couldn't find them either. So she either deleted them or edited the privacy so we couldn't see them.

Do you think she wants to go back to the status quo (I.e. she excludes you from group events but meets with you alone) or do you think there may be a shift in her attitude?

I'm guessing she wants to go back to the status quo.

I think we are going to end up being NC now, but if I allowed it she'd just go back to her old ways of excluding me from group events.

In a moment of anger I've just been through all my contacts and online friends and deleted anyone who is a family member or close family friend. Now I'm feeling completely bereft.
I would like to explain to my big sister why I've disappeared off her radar but I don't have a clue what to say. It's not her fault, and I suppose little sister will have made sure she's given her version of the truth.

OP, you know exactly why she was apologetic and it has nothing to do with her feeling remorse. Like you said, she has it in writing how you have told her some home truths and she looks like the reasonable one. She is a manipulative bitch who knows exactly what she is doing. Sounds like your family enable her too.

I think you have done the right thing deleting them all. I'd contact your other sister and say it's nothing personal but you aren't having any family on Facebook for the time being and you won't be having anything to do with your younger sister from now on. She is a spiteful cow, she really is.

Call your big sister and explain what happened, if only as a form of catharsis. If you feel like crying, have a cry.

I've read the whole thread op and have tons of sympathy for you. If I may give you some advice take a moment and breathe don't do anything for a short while. Your adrenaline must be pumping from all the confrontation. Take a step back and don't make any more decisions until everything is a bit calmer.

Yes, that's exactly what she'll do. I knew it whilst I was typing out my messages to her. Every apology was just an empty platitude, but she can use that conversation to paint me as a nutter.
In a way I feel like I've let her win. I've cut myself off from everyone, she must be delighted.

No its not about winning or loosing, you have decided quite rightly that you have had enough of being treated like rubbish from her, and have done something about it. She sounds like a nasty and manipulative piece of work, and your best off without that in your life. As you have said, she is not sorry, but probably because she has been found out. She will never change and will go back to her old way of behaving.

Who have you unfriended, OP? You can always re-add people if they have no connection to what your little sister has done to you.

I'm such a mess. I messaged my eldest sister and said that I was taking a break from the family and that it was nothing she'd done. She replied 'ok hun. Speak soon xxx'
What did I expect?

Please listen to what Didius said . It's so painful to read - but you are in a state of Hugh anxiety now and overwrought

Every text every email makes it worse

Stop and breathe and I promise you you won't always feel this shit