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To hate getting older

231 replies

Unrulyheat · 21/06/2017 08:48

I am 36 later this year.

I don't want to turn 40.

I know, it's ridiculous. But (this is really vain) I used to be quite pretty. Not model-like and stunning but just passably pretty.

I wonder if a lot of pretty, rather than beautiful, girls grow into women like me where the prettiness turns into frumpiness.

I don't want to feel like this. My mum valued appearance over anything else and I don't want to pass that to my girls - but I do feel sadness that I no longer look nice.

OP posts:
PollyPelargonium52 · 23/06/2017 17:35

Ladies it is true that in our fifties we can start to struggle with getting an uninterrupted night's sleep but it has totally improved my life taking vitamin B3 I take 300 mg nightly and swear by it. It is as cheap as chips to buy too. My menopausal issues were playing up but catching up on sleep has really helped I was waking up at 3 am and not getting back to sleep again. There really is no need to suffer like that I hope this tip helps somebody as it was playing havoc with my wellbeing ... I only discovered this very recently after months of problems .....!

loveka · 23/06/2017 17:43

I saw Abi Titmuss on Lpose Women today. She met her husband at 38 and having a baby at 40.

But honestly, 38 is SO young. I am 51 and finding the changes in my face and body very hard to come to terms with. I have only felt this in the last year or so. I am starting to really understand the aging process and I wish I was 38!!!

Please just enjoy your youth! It's bad enough when you get to 50 and become fat and perimenopausal (as I am) without worrying that you are old when you're not!

IfNot · 23/06/2017 17:46

And don't assume you won't be menopausal until you are 50..plenty of women go through it a lot earlier than that.

IfNot · 23/06/2017 17:47

If it helps, pp who was asking, I met a lovely man at 39 (he's a little younger). It can happen!

Floisme · 23/06/2017 17:59

I'm 60. Getting saggy rather than wrinkly but in reasonably good shape all things considered. I'm still vain and still love clothes. I review my style quite often because I know my body's changing and that I don't suit the same styles as 10 years ago but at the same time, I don't hold with any nonsense about being too old to wear anything. As for being less visible, I've found it's true but, if anything, it's given me licence to experiment and have fun with my clothes because, let's face it, if I do get it wrong, no-one's looking.

I'm very aware that time is beginning to run out for me. So far I've been very fortunate but I have friends in poor health and indeed some are already dead. I try and use that positively, as a kick up the arse to make me get on with things and enjoy life while I still can.

I have to admit, I felt a bit irritated at first to discover the op was only 35 but I do realise it's a milestone age and that they all make you stop and think. I had my child at 41 so at the op's age, I still had a whole new and wonderful phase of life awaiting me and didn't even know it.

Asmoto · 23/06/2017 18:04

I never had any looks to lose! When I was in my 20s/30s I sometimes got called 'ugly' in the street by random strangers. I was profoundly relieved when, in my late thirties, I started to become invisible.

PleaseStopCompeting · 23/06/2017 18:04

But honestly, 38 is SO young. I am 51 and finding the changes in my face and body very hard to come to terms with. I have only felt this in the last year or so. I am starting to really understand the aging process and I wish I was 38!!!

Do you think at 65 you'll think the same about being 51?
I think maybe we all just feel a bit past it whatever age we are...

thinkiamgoingcrazy · 23/06/2017 18:08

36 is young. Enjoy it Smile.

goldendaisy · 23/06/2017 20:02

Asmoto how nasty, you won't have been ugly, but those people were.

Asmoto · 23/06/2017 20:09

I think (with the perspective of maturity) I was/am just a bit odd-looking, goldendaisy - it's long since ceased to bother me but I thought it might be an interesting perspective - that the invisibility isn't necessarily a bad thing if you don't start from a position of being noticed for the 'right' reasons.

PollyPelargonium52 · 24/06/2017 07:24

I think I am going to just have to prioritise going to exercise classes regularly a friend goes 4 times a week on top of a full time job and large house and her husband works away. To that end I will sign up at the local leisure centre it is nice and clean and is so near the house it is just a couple of minutes in the car so I can't make the journey an issue! I am sure it will help tone and firm up the body and get rid of some excess bulge around the waist.....

Dowser · 24/06/2017 09:12

It's just dawned on me that I have a daughter older than you. She's just turned 40 and she's stunning. She's just cut her beautiful long hair to shoulder length again and it looks nice. She's slim, wears very little make up and is very pretty. She just gets on with it.
I went through the menapause at 40. Yikes.
I certainly don't see her as old.
I have to keep reminding myself she's older than 14. She's got a son nearly that age.

I love reading your comments Floisme. I thought one time we were the same age but I'm 5 years older.

Enjoy your youth op because believe me you still have it.
Put in the groundwork now and hopefully you will enjoy a good older age.
Was watching Paul o Grady's life story last night and I love the way he's kept reinventing himself.
After he lost his partner he found love again in 2006

Remember his friend Cilla. She always said she never wanted to get old.
Well she didn't !
Be careful what you say. Something may be listening.
Our thoughts are very powerful.
I want 30 years with my new husband ( both of us in great health , with all our marbles) then we shall see.

Figgygal · 24/06/2017 09:28

I'm 36 now too I honestly look better in my 30's than I did in my 20's and that's with 2 kids and still no beauty regime to speak of. I don't wear makeup unless for nights out or generally care what people think of me it's quite liberating but do wonder how I'll feel in 40's/50's other then being glad to be alive obviously

Decaffstilltastesweird · 24/06/2017 09:29

Asmoto. I can relate to that, sadly. As a teenager, I used to envy middle aged women on holiday as they could be invisible by the pool. I had teenage boys sniggering and making vomit noises if they were behind me when I got out of the pool. Cunts.

mydogisthebest · 24/06/2017 14:36

To all of you that say you used to be pretty, be grateful.

I was never pretty. As a teenager I was tall and gawky and very shy plus very plain.

My first job at 18 was as a secretary sharing an office with another girl roughly my age. Any clients coming in had to speak to one of us.

Wendy (I have always disliked this name since then) was pretty, shorter than me with a good figure, boobs (I was flat chested), blonde and outgoing.

Almost every male client that ever came in would be all over her and ignore me. The worst ones were a couple of reps we had that visited monthly. One of them would always chat to her, makes jokes etc and totally ignore me. He never even said hello to me. If she was off when he came in and would be really abrupt and spend as little time there as possible whereas he would spend ages when she was there.

Looking back now I realise that quite a few of them (especially the over friendly rep) were what I would now call "dirty old men" although they were probably only in their 30's.

At the time it used to upset me a great deal although I would try not to show it. Already shy and lacking in confidence they managed to make me feel so worthless and ugly that I honestly contemplated suicide. Seems ridiculous to me now but I used to dread them coming in.

I was lucky that I met my now DH at 24 who has always told me he thinks I am beautiful and actually loves very small boobs! In fact, 38 years later having put on some weight, my boobs are no longer small but both myself and DH would prefer if they were smaller. He still loves me for what I am though.

Asmoto · 24/06/2017 15:44

Decaff Yes, I had exactly the same sort of thing. If it happened to me now I'd just tell them they were judging me in a competition I hadn't entered (or, in words they'd be more likely to understand, 'fuck off') but back in the day I just stood there feeling humiliated. But, yay for middle age! I wore a bikini on the beach for the first time in my life the year I was 40 and no one so much as glanced at me!

diodati · 25/06/2017 02:10

Not wanting to brag but just to tell OP that there's fun to be had at any age, I wore a bikini at 48 & looked fantastic. Slim tummy, toned legs, nice breasts. My DP was delighted & admiring looks abounded. At 54, I have moved on to a one-piece. I'm not as slim as I was in 2010-11 but still not too shabby, either. I still play water-pistols with my DC & OP, shrieking and running round the garden. Maybe not everyone's idea of fun but I love it.

Clalpolly · 25/06/2017 07:56

I've got wonderful and terrible news for everyone on this thread. You are all getting old. Be fabulous. Don't be fabulous. Entirely up to you.
Quite depressing read some of this. We don't get to stay 21. Shock horror.

Lucysky2017 · 25/06/2017 08:17

55 here - legal career going very well. I did not even know as a child that I was pretty. My mother was absolutely brilliant on this - I had no idea unless occasionally people said so in shops. Academic work, good careers and all the other things that make us good people (which does not include vanity - a sin) were the things that mattered. I spent my teens climbing trees, studying and reading loads of wonderful books ion feminism and therefore not surprisingly I am now in my 50s very happy and utterly unconcerned about looks.

I am happy with how I look but looks have always been a tiny percentage of my self view. Hobbies, family and of course a nice career are the things..... I am also just about never ill and am mentally well and those things are the most important of all.

LellyMcKelly · 25/06/2017 08:31

Don't make your life about your looks. Your looks will not make you happy. Make it about your friends, your family, your brain, your experiences. Staring into a mirror worrying about grey hairs and sagging skin is the road to a sad, shallow, life. Aging is inevitable unless you die.

Decaffstilltastesweird · 25/06/2017 08:50

Although I've just had a big whine about being an unattractive teen, I actually am very happy with my life, including how I look, now. I'll never be a raving beauty, but my DH doesn't seem to mind. I never could trade on my looks, so I never did! Simple as that. I think that's been a blessing, as I said upthread.

It's just such a terrible part of our culture, that women are so often encouraged to value their looks over everything else. No wonder it feels like the end of the world when we don't look the same as we did. Or, that we sometimes feel ugly and worthless for never being terribly beautiful in the first place, as I did, (albeit for a short time), in my teens. I had a very beautiful mother, who had been a raving beauty in her twenties. She was quite looks focussed. I make a concerted effort not to mention looks much around DD as I never want it to be an issue for her. There are so many better things to worry about.

I have to say, I think some men find this difficult now too. I think we're going backwards in some ways, though I hope I'm wrong there.

junebirthdaygirl · 25/06/2017 09:13

Im in mid fifties and feel brilliant even if l do groan every time l get out of the car. I looked good when l was younger but had little confidence. But l try to dress well now enjoy clothes get my hair cut well and really enjoy my job and hobbies. I get lots of compliments. From friends and colleagues not men! My dh tells me regularly l look brilliant. In my mind lm 20 so still get a shock when l see myself in a photo. I couldnt be happier really and just want to enjoy good health now and appreciate my family. Every stage has its advantages. I am more relaxed with people so have more close friends. So its not all bad believe me.

Peanutbuttercheese · 25/06/2017 09:26

I was brought up in a very peculiar household. Mother was in showbiz when young and extremely beautiful, she has been likened to Honor Blackman by many. She had five girls, all of us were very attractive. Two of us did modelling including me and two of the granddaughters and one great granddaughter have also gone down this route.

It was however an incredibly unhealthy environment, three of the sisters have serious eating disorders and myself and the other younger one have some issues with food. The great granddaughter was threatened with being sectioned due to her anorexia.

Looks played a huge part. DH says that I could give twenty year olds a run for their money. I am desperately trying not to be messed up about being older but it's a struggle due to my background. I ended up working in higher education much to my Mothers horror and dressing down. It's made me very self conscious. DH called me a trophy wife one time and upset me beyond measure. When I was considering divorcing him last year that really stuck in my mind.

Birdsgottaf1y · 25/06/2017 11:13

""Academic work, good careers and all the other things that make us good people (which does not include vanity - a sin""

The sin of vanity isn't about appearance. Mentioning your 'Successes' is, as well as many other ways such as crowing about your education level.

It's often deliberately misquoted to shut women up.

Your actions make you "a good person" and that includes by those that follow many paths in life.

It is interesting that many are mentioning their DP's opinions when it was a discussion on personal feelings, the feelings many are talking about on aging (myself included) must be there, to need propping up by others.

I was widowed, your relationship status can change at any point and especially as you age, so can your employment if you become disabled. What's left is you working things out by examining what's going on internally, which is influenced by what you've internalised.

Lucysky2017 · 25/06/2017 11:44

I mentioned the sin of vanity because I think it needs more drumming into people. Pretty is as pretty does. If yo have time to look in mirrors that is not a good life - you should use the time to wash the feet of the poor or something mroe useful. Excessive consideration of self is morally bad.

I must say this thread makes me glad I am single now too. None of these issues about partners or boyfriends.
My mother was quite good looking too but it was her career which counted for her too and ditto with my daugthers (alsdo lawyers). Yes we want to be fit healthy and happy and probably not look like the back end of a bus but that looks aspect is de minimis.

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