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To hate getting older

231 replies

Unrulyheat · 21/06/2017 08:48

I am 36 later this year.

I don't want to turn 40.

I know, it's ridiculous. But (this is really vain) I used to be quite pretty. Not model-like and stunning but just passably pretty.

I wonder if a lot of pretty, rather than beautiful, girls grow into women like me where the prettiness turns into frumpiness.

I don't want to feel like this. My mum valued appearance over anything else and I don't want to pass that to my girls - but I do feel sadness that I no longer look nice.

OP posts:
ImaLannister · 21/06/2017 13:45

I'm not a fan of the ageing process, no one is, but I wouldn't say that I hate getting older. Its nature & It's a gift. It's a privilege denied to so many E.g: Terminally Ill, people in fatal accidents, murder victims etc. The fact that we're growing older and nothing is wrong with us to stop that process is great.
Nowt a bit of anti ageing n botox can't sort out.
I sound like a right bible basher! But I'm not! I guess we should be just grateful, as we're the lucky ones.
But I get what you mean Smile

stevie69 · 21/06/2017 13:49

Its very sweet what you are saying Pann but as someone who (used!?) to turn heads its very clear that 35 plus women are not of the least bit interest to the majority of men no matter how gorgeous they are. Certainly what I have observed and experienced anyway.

It must be summat about the men up here in White Rose county then Grin

Decaffstilltastesweird · 21/06/2017 13:49

I was a really unattractive teen (not false modesty - I really was)! I think I've improved with age, probably peaked looks-wise in my late twenties. I actually think it's been a blessing in some ways, as I'm used to being overlooked by people I fancied in favour of the better looking ones. I can imagine it's really tough realising you are no longer a head turner. I never was to begin with so don't have that to contend with.

I do think there is a bigger problem here, as pps have mentioned, that women are encouraged to trade on their looks. It's no wonder it feels like the end of the world for some people when they 'lose their looks' if they've been consistently told that their looks are the most important asset in their arsenal. It's fucked up when you think about it.

ohforfoxsake · 21/06/2017 13:53

You only have to look at online dating to realise 40+ men still think they have still 'got it' and are looking for women 10 - 20 years younger.

Why 53 year old men still think their paunches overhanging their mid-life crisis skinny jeans will attract a 23 year old is beyond me. But I guess the answer is indeed biology.

toffeeboffin · 21/06/2017 13:55

Fuck that mate!


I'm 35 and I still turn heads
We've a good few more decades in us yet lass Grin

Augustbabyyeah · 21/06/2017 13:57

Bloody Hell, the alternative to growing older is dying. Anyway OP, you're actually extremely young compared to some. My mum and my sister died in their 50s, they would have loved to grow old.

Get a grip FFS.

KatherinaMinola · 21/06/2017 13:59

So you're 35? Hmm

I am well over forty and I turn heads. I got hit on by a twentysomething last year admittedly in poor lighting.

35 is very young - enjoy it while it lasts.

GreenHillsOfHome · 21/06/2017 14:00

I'm 30 and used to be a 'natural head turner' until a couple of years ago.

I still turn heads (that sounds weird)...but when I'm 'out out' and have spent 3 hours doing hair and make up and am very carefully and flatteringly dressed.

During daily life now I'm not which is age and weight related because my hair and face aren't really too different.

FinallyThroughTheRoof · 21/06/2017 14:00

The whole.point isnt that you can still turn heads for longer though.

Its that that shouldnt matter so much.

ChocolatePHD · 21/06/2017 14:02

I am nearly 38 and it's recently dawned on me that im becoming 'invisible'. However, being 'visible' made me feel pressured to look somewhat attractive (not helped by the influence of a massively vain mother who I'm now going low contact with) and stay thin-ish. now the pressure is off a bit and while I don't go around looking like an old bag I kind of please myself nowadays and am happy to be a nearly 40 year old mum and wear what I like.

Pannnn · 21/06/2017 14:03

Was it sweet of me KERALA? Did you ruffle what's left of my hair whist you typed that? Grin

Nope not sweet - it's aesthetics. Maybe just not for you......RUNS!

ohforfoxsake · 21/06/2017 14:04

I'm not arsed about whether men find me attractive. I'm arsed that I can't see as well as I used to, that I say 'oouf' when I stand up, that my back stiffens, that it's much more effort to keep my hair tidy and to not put weight on, especially the thickening middle.

Started all turning to shit at around 45. You're alright for now OP.

Pannnn · 21/06/2017 14:05

As a man I don't turn heads. Only stomachs......Smile

KatherinaMinola · 21/06/2017 14:05

No of course not, Finally, but it is absurd that PP upthread are saying that women over 35 don't turn heads - of course they do.

I've known several people who were dead by 40 so "better than the alternative" is now my own view on ageing.

Clalpolly · 21/06/2017 14:11

I'm in my 50s. Sounds like a lot of posters still have a lot of growing up to do.
Op, your mum has a lot to answer for.

PollyPelargonium52 · 21/06/2017 14:11

If you use a Nutri Ninja every day your skin will look lovely and clear.

I am in my fifties and my belly is horrid but I just wear a magic knickers to sort it!

Also and rather amazingly the Avon bust gel I bought this year has done some good I was so impressed. Although I am lucky my bust is quite firm but it wasn't looking its best I swear it has helped!

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 21/06/2017 14:18

I'm kind of on the fence with this one.

I am glad to be alive in my late forties, unlike at least one of my lovely friends.

I do enjoy the invisibility to some extent, in that constantly feeling like your body and face is being watched is very tiring, if also gratifying to have people stare/get approached/get lots of boyfriends due to being thin and reasonably attractive when I was younger.

I don't feel unattractive though, more not the type to turn heads in the street. I still have the odd admirer, I think, plus my lovely husband who thinks I'm ageing really well (bless him). My mum looks amazing in her older age and also has found partners over 50, so it's clear that all attraction to the opposite (indeed same) sex doesn't necessarily dry up on your 40th birthday.

It's all a lot harder work though, plucking, a bit of fake tan in summer, good haircut. I'm not into anything invasive though after seeing one of my relative's waxwork face recently (fillers? peels?)

I also feel ok about life as I carried on a career during having children and I have to say I think it's a lot easier if you have an interesting path still to follow there, although at the time it seemed harder, almost impossible. I wouldn't like to be starting over in the workplace at this age, although this was more luck than deliberate as my husband lost his job so I had to work anyway, and now I'm very glad I kept going.

mrsBeverleygoldberg · 21/06/2017 14:52

I always think at least I'm not dead.

Laiste · 21/06/2017 14:53

its very clear that 35 plus women are not of the least bit interest to the majority of men no matter how gorgeous they are.

Perhaps i was just lucky then? No, actually i must disagree. I met my current DH when he was 26. He was single and child free. Tall, tanned, fit, muscle bound (builder) and very handsom. No trouble attracting women. I was 37 with 3 kids (youngest 8). It all started as simply a sex fest as we couldn't keep our hands off each other. It was understood it was just that and nothing more ...

After 2 years he relocated 100 miles to be with me and the kids. We got married and have been together 11 years now. And we have a beautiful 3 year old together.

36+ women DO attract men! Grin

goldendaisy · 21/06/2017 15:00

Extremely rare for any 40 plus to turn heads. That's all about sex once you over 40 you not on the radar it's biological.
No definitely not true, you can look good at any age and turn heads.

hmcAsWas · 21/06/2017 15:14

I am surprised to read the experiences of some posters who have had men let the door close in their face and will move aside for a glam twenty-something whilst walking along the pavement, but not for the 40 something or 50 something woman in her wake.

I really haven't noticed this - and I am 49. A pretty standard 49. People - of both sexes - still show me courtesy, and I them. I don't feel invisible as a person - just not visible for 'head turning' reasons, but I am completely fine with that

Also, I have found that young men in their twenties when serving me in shops etc are particularly charming - probably because I remind them of their mums and am unthreatening and won't misconstrue their friendliness.

rizlett · 21/06/2017 15:15

but I do feel sadness that I no longer look nice.

Just wondering op if this is the true source of your sadness or is this just where you are putting the focus?

Do you feel if you looked nicer you'd be happier? (that's like people who say if only they were thinner they'd be happier and often not true.)

Why do we place our happiness in the hands of something physical which, because we are all human, is always going to fade?

Happiness comes from accepting ourselves just as we are, right now.

irregularegular · 21/06/2017 15:22

Don't waste your 30s and 40s worrying about looking older. In fact don't waste any time on it ever - but especially not when you are still in the first half of your adult life!

Being happy or unhappy has nothing to do with being young and pretty, or old and a bit plain, unless you make it that way.

Go out. Have fun. Do stuff. Make friends. Love your family. Life is too short to worry about whether you are "pretty" any more.

SilentlyScreamingAgain · 21/06/2017 15:23

I think that most women have a bit of a crisis of confidence when the bloom of youth wears off, it doesn't make you shallow or vain. When you get over that crisis things get back to normal, the new normal.

I was a bit of a looker and it was both a pain in the arse in terms of unwanted attention but quite handy for work, in terms of wanted attention. I had a short period of invisibility, found I didn't like that, so made myself visible again.

I dress is a covered up but outlandish way as I made a coucious decision that I'd rather be known as 'that mad old bird' that 'who?'. No one knows quite how to respond to an older woman who isn't embracing dowdy at M&S, it's far more powerful than my youthful looks ever were.

Nowombattheinn · 21/06/2017 15:37

Happiness comes from accepting ourselves just as we are, right now.

I agree with this riz.

Up thread Op said she wished she know what it felt like to be loved. It doesn't sound like this is really about looks, but that is maybe becoming the focus?

I don't think women should need or want validation from men leering or approving of how they look. They aren't being respectful, they're judging. It's not an achievement being young and attractive - it's your genetics and just what you happen to look like. So what if you're invisible, you're only invisible to strangers and people who don't matter or care about you anyway.

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