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To hate getting older

231 replies

Unrulyheat · 21/06/2017 08:48

I am 36 later this year.

I don't want to turn 40.

I know, it's ridiculous. But (this is really vain) I used to be quite pretty. Not model-like and stunning but just passably pretty.

I wonder if a lot of pretty, rather than beautiful, girls grow into women like me where the prettiness turns into frumpiness.

I don't want to feel like this. My mum valued appearance over anything else and I don't want to pass that to my girls - but I do feel sadness that I no longer look nice.

OP posts:
LittleBooInABox · 21/06/2017 08:50

Being beautiful is inside and out. No use being beautiful on the out and rotten to the code. The people in your life love you and so will others.

Sounds like your mum has a lot to answer for for passing that onto you Flowers

Unrulyheat · 21/06/2017 08:51

In theory I know that but in practice it won't go in, and it feels like appearance (for women) is paramount.

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 21/06/2017 08:54

These lessons that we learn in childhood are not easy to shake off.

I'm 37 and im aware of getting older and wanting to stay in good nick for as long as possible, from a health point of view as well as looks. I know lots of older women who don't look 25 anymore but still look fab anyway.

I find there are definite positives to getting a bit older - I know myself better, accept myself more, am less hard on myself and others, can see through bullshit more easily.

Groupie123 · 21/06/2017 08:54

If your beauty faded with age, you mustn't have been very beautiful in the first place. True beauty only increases with age like fine wines.

FacelikeaBagofHammers · 21/06/2017 08:54

I feel the same. I am also 36 and finding growing older hard to come to terms with. I'm dreading 40.

I'm trying to focus on being fit and healthy, as to be honest, if one of us got a serious illness, then appearances don't really matter a damn.

I may look at fillers etc as I approach 40 - just to help me feel less haggard looking, but to be honest, if you're fit, healthy, and pain free then you've got it all.

Crumbs1 · 21/06/2017 08:56

There are many joys to ageing that far, far outweigh the few wrinkles and extra pounds.
You generally become more confident and care less about what others think - you can be yourself.
You tend to be better off.
Your children become adults who are good fun.
You can do whatever you want, when you want.

FinallyThroughTheRoof · 21/06/2017 08:58

Groupie what a twatty post.

Unrulyheat · 21/06/2017 09:01

Groupie is right in a way.

I wasn't beautiful. I was pretty. There's a big difference. Prettiness fades. Beauty doesn't.

OP posts:
Laiste · 21/06/2017 09:03

I've been where you are and hated turning 40 OP.

Going against good manners i'll be blunt and say i am (was?) good looking. Blessed with great skin, pretty face, nice legs, hourglass figure ect.

It's rotten when it all starts going a bit shite. I've been lucky with my skin and at nearly 50 i'm holding back the wrinkles, but my jawline is getting a bit wavy and my waist is trying to disappear.

There's no doubt about it. You do become a bit invisible once you get to middle age. Whether that's a good thing or a bad thing depends on how much you enjoyed being very visible, IYKWIM? Noticed/judged/treated better or worse in certain situations for your looks. Sadly society does judge women on their looks.

I hated being visible at the time. Now i hate being invisible!

TheFreaksShallInheritTheEarth · 21/06/2017 09:06

I am 48. I felt I was OK up until about a year ago, now everything seems to be going to pot.
The nice thing about getting older though, is that you gradually care less about looks and appreciate other things. I'd still rather look a few years younger, though.

The 'beauty' crap above is just... well, crap.

Laiste · 21/06/2017 09:07

crumbs is dead right though. Something starts to happen around mid 40s and although you know it's all going to hell an increasing sense of 'couldn't give too many fucks about what people think' starts to creep in. About lots of things. Natures way of dulling the blow? Grin

mistermagpie · 21/06/2017 09:08

This is quite sad. I'm 37 and still think I'm alright looking and hopefully will be into my 40s and 50s. Getting older doesn't automatically mean getting less attractive you know, there are some stunning women out there in their 60s and 70s!

I was considered a bit of a looker in my 20s but I made a big effort (makeup, hair, tan, clothes etc) which I now don't have the time for as I have two young children. I still look pretty much the same underneath though, I just don't make as much effort. The flip side of that is that I am more comfortable in my own skin and am proud of what my body can do now (I discovered running in my 30s and had my children) rather than being preoccupied with what it looks like.

I think this insecurity you feel is to do with you mothers attitude rather than anything to do with you actually ageing.

Lunchtimeburrito · 21/06/2017 09:10

I was/am feeling the same as you. I'm 44 now and have really struggled with getting older. I try to keep myself looking good but it gets harder and harder each year.
BUT I'm changing the way I look at things. I know it's a cliched saying but many people (some I've known) don't even get to see old age. Growling old is a privilege and I'm starting to use that as a mantra and using mindfulness as a tool, it does work if you keep at it, looking at and enjoying all the great things you have in your life.
It's tough though when we live in a world obsessed with youth and beauty!

FacelikeaBagofHammers · 21/06/2017 09:10

The flip side of that is that I am more comfortable in my own skin and am proud of what my body can do now (I discovered running in my 30s and had my children) rather than being preoccupied with what it looks like.

This. By a million.

mistermagpie · 21/06/2017 09:10

Oh also, one way to look at it is to think of the alternative. If you're not getting older you're dead.

Bit dramatic maybe, but it's what my 90 year old nana says to me!

terrylene · 21/06/2017 09:12

40s are brilliant - you are at your peak.

It is your 50s when you start falling apart - half grey wiry hair, sagging dry skin with spots, beard, aching joints of a 90 yr old, getting painfully stuck if you sit in the same position more than 10 minutes, no sleep, dry fanjo...........the list goes on!

Laiste · 21/06/2017 09:14

Oh my god terry this is NOT what we want to hear Grin

Decaffstilltastesweird · 21/06/2017 09:15

I'm a similar age to you op, but the fear of forty hasn't quite sunk in yet!

I always say getting older is better than the alternative. It's a silly saying, but I think there's some truth in it. My mum always said she didn't want to reach 60, and she didn't Sad. She never got to meet my dc and, if my younger sibling gets married, she won't be there. I know this sounds like I'm minimising your struggle and I'm not trying to, but I find it helpful myself when I feel crap about my looks or career or something, to take a big step back and try and remember what is most important to me. And I'm sure you'll guess, the most important thing really isn't being pretty!

That said, maybe you can look for some tips on the s&b page here? It sounds superficial and it won't make your issues go away, but a boost from a new hair cut, clothes, new skin regime, taking up a sport can be really helpful ime.

And btw I bet you look way better than you think! We're so hard on ourselves.

Time40 · 21/06/2017 09:15

OP, take it from someone older: 36 is nothing. I hated turning 40, too, but I had no idea how hard things got after that, and how much things change. At 36, you are still a young woman. I hear what you are saying, and I understand your worry - but honestly, you are in the prime of life now. Enjoy it for a few more years - the other poster is right: it all seriously starts trying to fall to bits in the mid-forties. Value the next ten years and use them well!

AnUtterIdiot · 21/06/2017 09:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Laiste · 21/06/2017 09:22

20s is the glamour of real youth. Everyone is gorgeous at 20 something.

I think 30s is when i was at my peak. (but thought i was old!)

40s is having to try harder and harder to stay looking good (and realise 30 something is young).

50s - unknown territory.

One thing i will say to anyone in their late 30s reading this who's dithering about loosing a bit of weight is: DO IT NOW. It gets really hard to shed pounds the older you get.

FinnegansCake · 21/06/2017 09:26

Crumbs1 expressed it perfectly.

When I was younger I was frequently told I was very attractive. Now I'm in my fifties I occasionally feel a slight pang when I unexpectedly catch sight of my reflection, as the years and the kilos are very visible.

However, it's only a fleeting twinge of regret for what I used to look like.
I have grown up children of whom I am very proud and whose company gives me enormous pleasure, grandchildren that I love more than I could have imagined, and in general I have far fewer insecurities than in my youth. I no longer feel that other women are judging me for my looks, and this is very liberating.

I do still "scrub up well" if I make an effort, which I only bother to do if I'm going somewhere special, and I still get the occasional compliment. I have accepted that I will never look young again, but because I'm happy with the stage I'm at in my life it (mostly) doesn't bother me to look middle-aged.

You are still young, OP. Don't start getting yourself worked up about being forty, ageing is something we all experience if we are lucky. Try to keep fit and happy, and you will be fine.

Lovegaultier · 21/06/2017 09:30

I really hate getting older but honestly when you get to 50+ you will look back and think how young, fit and lovely you were.

I agree that things start falling off and sagging and bagging but I don't draw attention to it and never talk about it. Also agree that you need to keep the weight off. I was always slim verging on skinny but have to watch what I eat now as I am getting that thick waist thing.

Having said that, when I look back at my 20s and 30s I was quite plain and mousy and didn't make the best of myself in a way. Too busy working, never had enough money, then children came along. When I got divorced at 50 i smartened up my act a bit and I am not invisible any more. I get far more attention than I did when I was young. so don't despair you can still be attractive.

Blueflowers2011 · 21/06/2017 09:32

Right. It's no good saying beauty is from within blah blah. Yes I totally agree it is but that does not help the OP.

I was about 37 when I felt like you OP. I turned heads a lot wherever I went (yes I will blow my own trumpet here), I looked and felt good and life was great. Oozing with confidence. Then one day it just suddenly stopped. It took me a long time to get over it! I am 44 now.

Getting married, having children, sleep deprivation, weight gain were my catalysts.

I really don't give a stuffing anymore and try my best to look passable - I dont ever feel I have time to look after myself anymore, and I don't, I certainly dont dress the way I used to dress as I am a stone heavier since children.

But I do still wonder why it all just stopped. I mean nobody EVER bloody looks at me anymore! I am not that bad!

All I can say OP is you still have it at 36 whatever you think. In 10years time you will be wishing you were 36 again - please dont wish it away, I would love to be 36 again!

And I also wish I let people take more photos of me and the kids rather than me taking every photo without me in it because I thought I looked terrible. I didn't and regret it now, I don't have many from the last few years of us all together which makes me sad.

I am happy now at 44 and accept life has to move on, I have produced 2 beautiful boys and would much rather be where I am, than not.

JunefromAccounts · 21/06/2017 09:32

Jesus wept! Would you lot listen to yourselves and give yourselves a good slap!

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