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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not like step parent calling dd her daughter?

311 replies

Supermagicsmile · 21/06/2017 06:36

Not sure on this one if IABU but this is really bugging me.

Dd is almost 7. Her dad's been with his fiancé for around 4 years (they had been together when younger too so has known her for years!) When dd is there she is involved in her care which I am fine with. She's generally a really nice person and dd likes her. They have a little boy together (6months) who dd adores aswell.

She (step mum) refers to dd as 'her' daughter and it really, really annoys me Blush.

I have spoken to dd's dad about and he did speak to her. There are comments on Facebook 'so proud of my daughter for passing her ballet exam' etc. Also a really gushy post on Father's Day about their family and their 2 kids.
She had requested dd spend another afternoon round there in the week (dd's dad will be at work so it would just be her and the kids). We don't have any formal custody arrangement as never needed it but I don't really want dd there without her dad one extra afternoon a week when I could have her at home with me.

AIBU? I mentioned it to a friend who says it's fine but I don't agree. Hmm
(Dd doesn't call her mum, she has always just used her first name thank goodness )

AIBU? (If so, how do I handle it as I'm struggling with it now. If I'm not, how how do I fix it?)

OP posts:
katronfon · 21/06/2017 15:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nessus · 21/06/2017 15:38

I do not see what the problem is here OP but also understand the sensitivities surrounding this topic. Could it be a cultural schism perhaps? Is the step parent, non-English by any chance? In my culture you have many mothers, fathers, uncles and aunts, not all biologically related but they treat you like kin nonetheless. I think its precious and really enriching for a child to know people love widely and that we are part of a larger constellation.

DaddyThunder · 21/06/2017 15:39

I'd be interested to know how your kid feels about it. my OH's "step dad" is referred to as dad, and we'd class ourselves as hit daughter /son in law quite happily and proudly.

I can understand why it may be irksome and upsetting, so I don't think that's unreasonable, but I think how your daughter feels about it would draw the line on "if it's a bad thing for him to do"

DaddyThunder · 21/06/2017 15:43

apologies, "bad thing for HER to do".

RosyGold · 21/06/2017 16:01

YANBU! I am a stepmother myself and have been for 3 years (nearly the whole of DSD's life) and I wouldn't dream of referring to her as "my daughter" I can't stand DSD's mother and she cannot stand me - but we have a mutual respect where she knows I care for her daughter and she clearly loves me - and I respect that there are certain lines you don't cross when it comes to other people's kids!

Allabitmuchisntit · 21/06/2017 16:56

I think it's all a bit off.
She isn't her daughter - she's your daughter. She's using the wrong word. Simple as that.
It's upsetting you because, no matter how lovely this woman is, she is not the mother of your child. What she is doing, takes away from the special and exclusive relationship you have with YOUR daughter.
I would absolutely not like this at all.

Stickerrocks · 21/06/2017 17:01

Have I missed something where OP says the SM wants to be called Mum? I saw in the initial post that the little girl just calls her by her first name. The SM is being inclusive and trying not to label her differently within their own family unit. After all, in the world of Disney Princesses which many little girls relate to, Step Mums are all evil and Cinderella was an abused step daughter. Far easier to refer to her as her daughter without complicating matters. The important people in this all know the true relationships.

kali110 · 21/06/2017 17:32

Think you need to see how your daughter feels.
Is she happy?
Its nice to see a sm trying to make a stepchild so included.
Think shes trying to make it so there is no difference between the siblings.
As hard as it is op its nice that tgis woman is so loving to your child when you Are not there.

Tell her that you won't be sharing your kid with the stupid bitch. I'd be keeping my kid away from her tbh.
Then keep her away, let her see her dad without crazy woman until she learns her place (or he puts her in it.)
I don't think it's the sm that looks crazy.
What's wrong with you?

Janeismymiddlename · 21/06/2017 17:41

Surely you want your DH partner to be a mum to her when she is with her dad

No. My child is my child even if not with me. I don't stop being a mum some of the time because I got divorced and there is a mother woman around. You don't pass a child on like some kind of relay baton - mum now, not mum later, mum now, not mum later....My children spend more time in school and they do with me, but their teachers don't take over as mum and nor do they expect to.

It is a crass and insensitive thing that the new partner has done, albeit probably well-intentioned and is clearly an outward sign of acceptance of the step child which is fabulous and can only be a positive thing for the child concerned.

Why the fuck we should have to just suck this shit up is beyond me, but that's how it is. I sit on my hands literally and figuratively about 100% of the time. In the same way I am a mum 100% of the time and thanks, nut I'll reject the offer of my child having a second mum.

nigelsbigface · 21/06/2017 17:54

Lots of people saying the op is unreasonable are implying it's just semantics and thus shouldn't matter. I don't think the op has said she objects to the step mum/dd relationship which as nearly everyone has said, is the main positive thing.
But if it's just semantics then why is it the op that has to 'suck it up'. Why not the step mum having to suck up not using the word 'mum' on social media.Its just semantics after all.
She isnt doing the op some sort of favour by being nice to her daughter-the op doesn't actually owe her anything. Yes she should be pleased that the woman is nice to her kid-but surely that's the expectation of an adult woman who has entered into a relationship with a man who has children already.I know there are exceptions to the rule-but by the same token not all biological parents are nice either.The idea that op should put up with something she finds very upsetting or give up time she could have with her own child because the step mum is nice is just weird to me.
I'm not saying it has to be dealt with rudely-of course it doesn't-but fair enough to ask for the semantics used to be changed and to keep the time with her daughter as sacrosanct.

SirVixofVixHall · 21/06/2017 17:55

I can see why one wouldn't want to always say "Step Daughter", but it would have been perfectly fine to use her name. "I am so proud of Daisy " etc, is great. But "My daughter"? Weird.

dailyshite · 21/06/2017 18:33

I am really surprised by how many people think you should just accept this. I think it is hugely disrespectful to you. How is erasing you in this way a kind thing to do to a small child?

Are you on drugs? Shock

On what planet is SM trying to erase the OP?

Literally, all she has done is celebrate the child's achievements and involvement in the family. Someone back thread said a child only has one mum, total bollocks - they might have one biological mother but families and relationships are very complex and lots of people have more than one mum.

WannaBe · 21/06/2017 18:41

IMO how the daughter feels about this is irrelevant. The woman posted it on facebook it was a comment, if the OP doesn't like it she can unfollow the posts and voila, she doesn't have to see them. As for the daughter, the only thing that is relevant to her is whether she has a good relationship with her SM which it appears she does. Or are people really suggesting that the OP or someone else should ask a seven year old whether they mind the SM thinking of her as part of their family?

A facebook comment does not mean she is irraising the OP out of her DD's life, what an incredibly stupid thing to say.

Honestly people are finding offence here where there is none.

Also, for those people saying that the SM is entirely unreasonable, stepping out of line, should know her place yada yada yada, what do you say if the child actually thinks of her as a second mum or a mother figure and is happy to admit that publicly? Plenty of people on this thread who have loving relationships with step parents and consider them equal to their biological parents. Are those step parents out of line for encouraging positive relationships then?

Notknownatthisaddress · 21/06/2017 18:49

Yes, it may grate to see "my daughter" written down, but it would be much clumsier to write "my fiancee's daughter with another woman

WTF? Confused

Why the hell would anyone say THAT? I have never in my life EVER heard anyone say that.

Just say stepdaughter FFS. Hmm She is NOT her daughter and it's frankly very weird that she is calling her that.

Re @whooo's comments. Very good for you and your family if that works for you and you have double barrelled your child's name to include the other family. Confused

But the OP is not happy with her child's stepmum calling her daughter HER DAUGHTER.. That's the whole point.

I think the behaviour from the stepmum is very odd, and smacks somewhat of attention seeking. If I saw someone I know calling the daughter of her partner and his ex HER daughter, I would think she was unhinged.

And saying just don't look at facebook or unfriend her etc is bollocks. The posts will still be there! Hmm

Littledrummergirl · 21/06/2017 18:50

As a step child I would be devastated if my dad didn't refer to me as his daughter. Along with aunts and uncles from his side of the family. I adopted them all when he married my mum.

Knowing there is a person who loves you because you are an important part of the family, who makes an effort to show you how much they care through choice makes a massive difference to a childs wellbeing.

Sorry but yabu and need to deal with your feelings.

areyoubeingserviced · 21/06/2017 18:52

She loves your daughter. I would definitely suck it up.

Willyoujustbequiet · 21/06/2017 18:56

There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying step daughter. It's not shameful or inferior it's simply accurate. It does not denote the amount of love fgs.

She's overstepping. Tell her.

yellowox · 21/06/2017 19:00

I wouldnt like it but if DD is okay with it then I think sometimes we have to hide our feelings of DD is happy and feels secure and loved that's all that matters there can never be enough love in a child's life. DD knows you are her mum and she loves you !

user1497357411 · 21/06/2017 19:30

Of course it is hard, but your daughter is lucky to have a stepmum who loves her/is so obviously fond of her. Please don't do anything that might destroy that.

WannaBe · 21/06/2017 19:38

all of the posters on here who have been step children have expressed how important it was to them to feel a part of the family, and all of the ones who had positive relationships with their step parents have expressed how those step parents were just like parents to them. This should tell the posters who feel that it should be all about the feelings of the mother something. It's not about her. Yes she may not like it, but if she doesn't like it then she hides it. Were they not friends on FB she wouldn't even know.

And yet again I would challenge those posters who think that the SM is out of order to go and have a look at the step parenting board. Just the thread titles, posts about how people "can't stand dp's kids/hate being a stepmum/don't like his kids," and the list goes on. yes of course many of those posters are challenged on the threads in question but the fact is that the vast vast majority of threads are about the horrible step parenting experience. And ask yourself whether you feel that that is preferable to something which is written on facebook. Priorities me thinks.....

DirtyChaiLatte · 21/06/2017 20:06

There have been plenty of posts on this thread from step children who felt that being accepted and made to feel part of the family by their step parent was a very very important part of their childhood.

I think that's pretty much all that matters.

So yes, the OP should just suck it up and not rock the boat in an otherwise amicable relationships.

Original poster
Supermagicsmile · 21/06/2017 20:31

Thank you for all the posts. It's taken me about 30 minutes to read through all 9 pages.

I don't see any point in going into the very specific details of my family as it won't change anyone's opinion but I wonder if some of the people saying they would be fine with it would be if they actually experienced it.

Lots of opinions to consider, thanks again.

OP posts:
liviadrusilla · 21/06/2017 20:39

Call her fiance 'my husband' Wink

Seriously this would bother me. It's great they get on, but she's not her mother and should respect that you are.

hellobonjour · 21/06/2017 20:41

I know someone who does this and most people think she's batshit crazy

abilockhart · 21/06/2017 20:43

Once again, I can't believe the people who put their own feelings (ego) before the feelings of their children.

Hear, hear.