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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not like step parent calling dd her daughter?

311 replies

Supermagicsmile · 21/06/2017 06:36

Not sure on this one if IABU but this is really bugging me.

Dd is almost 7. Her dad's been with his fiancé for around 4 years (they had been together when younger too so has known her for years!) When dd is there she is involved in her care which I am fine with. She's generally a really nice person and dd likes her. They have a little boy together (6months) who dd adores aswell.

She (step mum) refers to dd as 'her' daughter and it really, really annoys me Blush.

I have spoken to dd's dad about and he did speak to her. There are comments on Facebook 'so proud of my daughter for passing her ballet exam' etc. Also a really gushy post on Father's Day about their family and their 2 kids.
She had requested dd spend another afternoon round there in the week (dd's dad will be at work so it would just be her and the kids). We don't have any formal custody arrangement as never needed it but I don't really want dd there without her dad one extra afternoon a week when I could have her at home with me.

AIBU? I mentioned it to a friend who says it's fine but I don't agree. Hmm
(Dd doesn't call her mum, she has always just used her first name thank goodness )

AIBU? (If so, how do I handle it as I'm struggling with it now. If I'm not, how how do I fix it?)

OP posts:
histinyhandsarefrozen · 21/06/2017 20:46

Most families don't have more than one mum, unless it's by consent of the mum, surely?

of course the more love the better- who could deny that? But it's not about that. My sister loves ds dearly and sees him lots but she doesn't call him her son. That would be bizarre because...she is not his mum.

dailyshite · 21/06/2017 20:53

I wonder if some of the people saying they would be fine with it would be if they actually experienced it.

Yup - there have been a number of people who have already said this.

ooohahhh · 21/06/2017 21:02

Step parents can't win can they? I think she sounds lovely. I know it could be slightly galling but would you rather she was resented? It's not her fault her parents split up.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 21/06/2017 21:05

My son's step mum has won. She's ace.

She doesn't call my son her son though. That helps.

Rawhh · 21/06/2017 21:10

hilda Every thread I see you post on you just seem to be a Goady Fucker.

OP Don't do as Hilda says it is clear that you DD's DSM loves her and wants her to included within the new setup with her DF. It must be painful seeing someone else refer to your DD as such but surely as long as she is happy and secure with he DF that is preferable to a child who is not included and loves by her father's DP.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/06/2017 05:02

I wonder if some of the people saying they would be fine with it would be if they actually experienced it.

I agree it must be incredibly hard. But this isn't about you. Yes, please feel free to rant. Please don't act on your feelings. It is your dd, who is important in this situation. Love and acceptance required from all.

Atenco · 22/06/2017 05:54

I haven't been in that situation but I know that I just automatically loved anyone who loved and was kind to my dd.

Toffeelatteplease · 22/06/2017 08:05

I wonder if some of the people saying they would be fine with it would be if they actually experienced it.

Yes I was in the position of DR being expected to call step mum, mum. But no I wasn't fine with it, but did a darn good job pretending to be for DC sake.

Sadly the step mum slowly backed out of involvement. Eventually with much trauma it all went wrong with dad too.

There are far worse things. This really isn't worth getting get up about

abilockhart · 22/06/2017 08:37

I wonder if some of the people saying they would be fine with it would be if they actually experienced it.

Most have acknowledged it is incredibly hard.

But our children should come first.

wheresthel1ght · 22/06/2017 08:50

@supermagicsmile as a mum and a step mum I have mixed feelings about your post to be honest. The father's day post I think you are being a bit petty over, but I do wonder if the comments calling your dd her daughter has clouded your thinking on this, and if it wasn't for that whether you would have prickled quite as much?

I do think referring to your dd as her daughter is out of order, I doubt she means to offend you but it would piss me off too. I would never refer to my dscs as my kids but I do regularly refer to the combo of them and our dd as "our kids"

The fact she wants to spend time with your dd and include her in their family, support and encourage a relationship with their ds is lovely. I get why you are uneasy but I think you should allow it unless there is more you aren't telling us and you have safeguarding concerns. She doesn't want your dd to feel left out or pushed out and that is to be commended.

As others have said, ultimately it's not about how it makes you feel, it's about how your dd feels. As a parent you need to sacrifice your own feelings for hers a bad that is hard but I wish you luck

notanevilstepmother · 22/06/2017 12:11

I don't understand why you would think it is appropriate to have your ex and his new partner on your Facebook.

I try not to actually refer to DSD as my daughter out of respect for her mother, but she does have 4 parents that love and care for her and that is the way it is, she is my child too, I parent her. I do sometimes say our daughter, or my family because she is DHs daughter and she is a very important part of my family.

If you don't want her having time with her brother when it's your turn that is your choice but I don't think you should blame her stepmum for trying to treat her as well as her own son, there are so many sad stories of children who get treated badly so it's good that she isn't one of them.

However I don't think I would want to call her step if I had a biological child as well, like someone said it sounds a bit like Cinderella. Maybe you should be having this conversation calmly with step mum.

JacquesHammer · 22/06/2017 12:20

I don't understand why you would think it is appropriate to have your ex and his new partner on your Facebook

I do. My ex-H remains one of my closest friends. His fiancée is now a dear friend in her own right.

It's also a great way to put on a public show of amicability IMO. (People are still very sceptical when we explain our relationship).

laureywilliams · 22/06/2017 12:52

Its a great that she loves your daughter.

That doesn't mean she has to call her 'daughter' . That's incorrect and unnecessary. So easy to put something else such as

Alisvolatpropiis · 22/06/2017 18:02

op

I have been a step child, it was so important to me to feel that I was properly accepted. Which I was.

My daughter is likely to be someone's step child one day. I have a new partner, as far as I know her father does not but I hope he does meet someone. For me, my partner being able to accept my daughter fully and be a part of her life is vital. I would hope my and any future partner of her father's treats her as if she was their own. For me, to not do so would be a deal breaker.

I think children calling step parents mum/Dad when said parents are actively part of their lives is a step too far. But that's not what is happening here. My step dad refers to me as his daughter and I buy him "Dad" birthday/Christmas/Father's Day cards, but have never actually called him Dad, I call him his first name. My daughter calls him a standard grandparent though.

Sparklyglitter · 22/06/2017 18:05

There's a name for a daughter when you are their step parent and that's "step-daughter" I would speak to ex and say that you are really grateful that step mum loves daughter enough to call her daughter but it's making you really uncomfortable and please can she call her step-daughter. I think you need to be very tactful though as her encompassing your daughter into their family is great. Regarding the extra afternoon - NO that's a bit odd! Fine if you were working or had something you wanted to do and she said I'll happily help you out but not over you or her Dad...odd! Somehow feels like she's trying to take over your daughter...

Plug123 · 22/06/2017 18:14

I would not like it one jot, I have a son, separated from dad, any potential ex husband partner had better not call my son her son, I would go ballistic, and I have been separated a long time. Not on at all. I hope this helps.

caringcarer · 22/06/2017 18:20

After my ex had gf from hell who smoked all around my kids where neither me or ex smoke, this step mum sounds as if she loves your DD and is mot mean to her and includes her. I would have been so grateful for step mum who loved my child and treated her as her own. I would befriend her as it sounds like she is kind to your daughter and that is worth more than anything else. It may annoy you because your DD likes her but remember she loves you.

Joshpaws · 22/06/2017 18:27

So what do you want her to call your daughter?

snowflake25 · 22/06/2017 18:34

Your DD is your daughter and nothing on earth will change that, and most importantly nothing will ever replace you, you are the centre of her universe and you will always be Mummy.

I would say to DD how happy you are that she calls her step mother her name, and how happy you are that her step mother is such a kind and nice person.

Looking at this from your DDs point of view this is amazing for her. She has two families, a lovely new half brother and best of all she hasn't a wicked foul step mother to contend with.

Keep quiet about this - dont look at FB posts (her friends prob think she is very weird and odd to boast about a DD that isn't actually hers) everyone knows she is your dd, so don't ruin what is otherwise a really good relationship just to tell her what she already knows. Be the better person - be the dignified one your daughter will thank you for it in years to come when you tell her all of this over a glass of wine!

Smudge100 · 22/06/2017 18:34

I don't think it matters what other people, what matters is what you feel about it. If it had been me, i'd have left a comment on fb to the effect that dd is not her daughter but her stepdaughter, though I have to say i'm not known for my tact and diplomacy! I'd definitely have it out with her and explain as well that you are not going to ket her have access when the child's father isn't there. As you rightly say, why would you want to give her the benefit of your daughter's company when you can have it. Sounds like she's flexing her muscles and needs to bevslapped down.

Katherine2626 · 22/06/2017 18:39

Your daughter knows exactly what the situation is, and who her own mum is. If step mum is loving and kind to her, so much so that she is praising her and treating her like her own, although this must be hard for you , your DD can only benefit from all this love - and it takes nothing away from you. How many times do you hear of families where the step child is resented and treated as if they don't really belong? Love and kindness give children so much confidence.

Fuckitletshavevino · 22/06/2017 18:40

Hey OP, I haven't RTFT but going on what I have read I can't imagine how you feel. My DS's dad and I split 5 years ago and neither of us have met anyone else yet. I do know though that if for e.g. DS's dad met someone and they are happy and having a child together and more importantly loving my son like her own I would not bat an eyelid at her calling him son. I would much rather that than someone who must point out he is her stepson. It's showing the love children need by both parents together or 2 sets of parents. I would be thankful for a loving stepmum to my son.

With wanting to have her when ex is not around I don't see this as an issue unless it's say a couple of days you don't see DD and that extra afternoon would mean longer not seeing her x

snowflake25 · 22/06/2017 18:40

PS I would refuse the extra afternoon at her house on the grounds that you need to spend time with DD (give a reason - homework, exams, veggie patch whatever ) and say how happy DD is there and thank her for looking after her.

SenecaFalls · 22/06/2017 18:41

My step dad refers to me as his daughter and I buy him "Dad" birthday/Christmas/Father's Day cards, but have never actually called him Dad, I call him his first name. My daughter calls him a standard grandparent though.

This is exactly how it was with my step-mother and step-father in my family growing up. Happily, my mother and father did not resent this at all, which strengthened my bond with them immeasurably. I think my mother, in particular, found it a real compliment that my step-mother was so fond of me.

SenecaFalls · 22/06/2017 18:42

what matters is what you feel about it

What matters most is what the child feels about it.