AIBU to not like step parent calling dd her daughter?

[Supermagicsmile]

Not sure on this one if IABU but this is really bugging me.

Dd is almost 7. Her dad's been with his fiancé for around 4 years (they had been together when younger too so has known her for years!) When dd is there she is involved in her care which I am fine with. She's generally a really nice person and dd likes her. They have a little boy together (6months) who dd adores aswell.

She (step mum) refers to dd as 'her' daughter and it really, really annoys me .

I have spoken to dd's dad about and he did speak to her. There are comments on Facebook 'so proud of my daughter for passing her ballet exam' etc. Also a really gushy post on Father's Day about their family and their 2 kids.
She had requested dd spend another afternoon round there in the week (dd's dad will be at work so it would just be her and the kids). We don't have any formal custody arrangement as never needed it but I don't really want dd there without her dad one extra afternoon a week when I could have her at home with me.

AIBU? I mentioned it to a friend who says it's fine but I don't agree.
(Dd doesn't call her mum, she has always just used her first name thank goodness )

AIBU? (If so, how do I handle it as I'm struggling with it now. If I'm not, how how do I fix it?)

No, you are absolutely right to feel uncomfortable. I have a stepson who has been in my life for 15 years and I love him very, very much and am very proud of him, but he's not my son, he's my step-son. I would never call him my son, especially on Facebook - it would just seem extremely off and odd, as though I was trying to pretend that his mother, whom he adores, didn't exist.

Oh OP. I would hate it, hate it, hate it but as a child of divorced parents I would totally suck it up. It's lovely she wants your DD and her half-brother to have a close relationship (and I agree they should keep contact even if she were to split with your ex) and it's lovely that she wants your DD to feel an equal part of their family/equal place/billing etc hence the father's day gushing and calling her daughter rather than stepdaughter, as she might well think that stepdaughter is going to make her feel 'less' ie not necessary to differentiate between son and his half-sibling. To her they are siblings full-stop.
As for the extra day, of course you can say No. In your shoes though I would see it as a Brother-Sister Day quality time as opposed to Stepmother-Daughter day.
I appreciate it kills that they're playing Happy Families but it will make all the difference when your DD hits puberty, believe me.

I would not want my children's step mum (if they had one) calling them her kids on social media. that Doran't feel to Mr like being for the child's benefit but rather writing you out of your child's life.

I would not want my child regularly with step my. and not das at age 7. I'd consider extra occasional days if the child wanted it.

It's very important what children want and feel but it isn't the while picture.

I understand your feelings.

This other woman is either a lovely kind inclusive sweer lady or someone who wants to pretend your dd is her dd and write you of the story of her perfect family. Only you I know which it really is.

I'd do everything to be nice but I would not give more time regularly. And if the my daughter comments continue I'd be concerned.

If they break up I'd want my child to see her half brother but that would be on the child's terms and with consultation from me and her dad, not just on terms of this woman.

This is very hard on you and I think unreasonable also. I too have a stepdaughter and would not dream of referring to her as my daughter, out of respect for her mother.
I guess it's very lovely for your daughter to feel that her dad's partner loves her as much as you do - but I would personally be really irritated by it. In fact I would be furious.
You are her mother - your ex husband's wife is not her mother.
Have a friendly chat with your daughter to try and probe how she feels about it.

OP would you be happy to have your daughter's half brother round at your house without his mum, to facilitate their relationship? I do wonder what his mum would say if you suggested it.

Oh I should add, whilst the sentiment of spending an extra afternoon with your daughter is lovely on the step mothers part, really I can understand why you're not keen. Time with your child can feel so limited when you're separated from the father and working on top of that, it does feel like precious time. If it was a particular one off event or something I'd think it was fine but not a regular standing thing.

I think instead of seeing it as you losing a daughter, try (and you might not like this) to see it as your daughter gaining a type of mother, which she is. She is also gaining a brother and they are another family for her when she is with them. It sounds like they will be very important to her for, hopefully, many decades to come. You can be certain that there is no confusion in your daughters mind about who her real mother is! This is all that counts. I think the FB referrals as 'daughter' are rather sweet and if she'd said stepdaughter it would sound a bit fussy IMO. I am great friends with a stepmother and she occasionally refers to her SDs as her daughters. She has two daughters who are stepsisters to her SDs and I think all the 'step' stuff just sounds like a barrier to being proper family.
I understand you must be upset that your DD could form a close bond with this woman but ultimately your DD will benefit from this, if it happens with your blessing. If you let her know, no matter how obtusely, that you aren't happy with how close she might be to this woman, you will make her feel confused and disloyal to you for feeling affection towards her future SM and that could make your DD very unhappy. You need to put her first.

There is no limit on how much love someone can give, and she won't love you any less for having these people in her life. We could all do with as much love and support as we can get in this world. This woman didn't choose to fall in love with your ex but she did and she's making an effort for everyone to get on - surely the best outcome you could have hoped for!

I'm sorry, but I don't see why this should be a problem. Your daughter is lucky to have a lady in her life who clearly cares about her a lot. And being and feeling very much part of their family unit, is as much important as being part of yours.
My oh has always referred to my child from my 1st marriage, as his daughter. They have a very close bond, as much as with her own dad. And we have all got along just fine. We have shared many happy family occasions together with my ex and his soon to be married partner. Reading some of the nasty comments on here about this lady, has been an eye opener. No wonder so many kids don't fare well in these step family situations. It should not be about us, but them.

...im sorry but i dont see the issue?

I am a step mum to a lovely boy and i think of him as my own. He is 10 and he calls me mama and i call him my son. For 3 days and 2 nights a week he is my son. I am in loco parentis, i read the bed time story, i give him cuddles, i make grazed knees better, i make sure he is happy and safe, i go to every football match i can and if his team wins i post on social media about how proud i am of him, i pay half towards parties, i buy him xmas presents......i treat him as my own and i see him as a son in our blended family because thats what we are a family! Me, dh, ds (10) and ds (4).

So what i read that you are complaining about is: how dare another woman love your son and be proud him because what? You pushed him out.....

Also- my son (4) has a step mum and he calls her mummy trish. We meet up a lot on our own for coffee ans truth is i am so so happy my ex has chosen such a lovely understanding and kind woman to help bring up our child....i want her to love my child as her own because at the end of the
day like it or lump it she will be looking after him and id much rather he felt that way than treat him like rubbish and make him feel unwelcome because he's "nothing to do with her".

Then keep her away, let her see her dad without crazy woman until she learns her place

That's crazy advice. Really, really bad parenting.

My partner has a son and a daughter, and, even though I am so lucky to have an excellent relationship with them and their mother, I wouldn't dream of referring to them as mine: struggle with the 'step' malarkey, to be honest, but then I don't have children of my own. Maybe she's trying not to make your daughter feel left out?

My step mum fucking hated me,and made it clear ,she tripped me up on purpose over a gate I fell and cut myself,she used every opportunity to bad mouth me to my father,ignored my birthday and gave me her old clothes as Christmas presents....what I would of given for a step mum like yr little girl has

I would be thrilled that she cares for my daughter so much and wants her to be part of the family . There are so many cases where the ex husband begins a new life and family and ignores the previous children usually because of the new wife's issues and jealously.
If your little girl is happy and wants to spend time around there with her baby brother be glad for her and certainly be grateful that his partner wants to spend quality time alone with her without her dad.
I hardly know any wonderful step mums, who are wonderful with their partners children.
Hope you manage to sort your issues out and relax a little . A mum is someone who loves ans looks after a child they don't actually have to have given birth to the baby. I'm a mum to a beautiful 8 yr old that I didn't give birth too and I love him as my own. He calls me mum because I am a mum to him . I know that your situation is different from mine. But still be grateful she is a lovely step mum and you both have a good relationship and want the best for your daughter too.

Heartbreaking for you to have to feel you are sharing her like this ...but lovely for her and her relationship with her Dad.

When her Dad is away - she is still with her little brother. He is also her family and important to her.

I'm experienc this a bit but for me. My dad snd his wife say they have 2 daughters (me and my dads daughter from a previous relationship). I've always referred to them as first names, or dads wife/dads wife's daughter because I've never thought of them as stepmum and stepdaughter. They've referred to me more (that I've noticed) as daughter to both of them in recent years, but it upsets me because my mum passed away 5 years ago and I feel it's disrespectful to her but I don't know what to do about it. I cringe a bit when I hear it

I was meant to say my 'stepsister' is my dad's wife's daughter from a previous relationship

Does your dd have issues with being called dd by sm? If not, suck it up, its your issue and no one elses. Saying something will make it other peoples issue and will potentially make things awkward between you, sm and dd. Dont think that your dd will necessarily thank you for it. And dont blame it on dd when its you that has an issue with it (as has been suggested by several posters) you will be found out and will just look unhinged more so. Why, so you can feel superior over the use of one word. Unless dm is saying harmful things towards your dd, then you dont get to dictate what sm says. Y'know, free speech and all. If it bothers you that much, then unfriend on fb so you dont see what they are writing.

As a mum to two step daughters who are now 22 & 24 who I have I known since they were 5 & 7 I love them like they are my own. We have two DC who are 9 & 11 & have always been brought up as siblings not half siblings. I have never called them my daughters, although I have the love for them like they are, out of respect to their mother however I do get Mother's Day cards from both of them which I absolutely love. I can say that if anything, God forbid, happened between me & my husband I would still want them in my life as I know they would me. My eldest step daughter has a baby & I am 'nanna' to her as well as her own mother & MIL. I would say be very grateful that your DD's stepmum loves her like her own as when she is at their house you know she is being looked after which will make your DD feel included and happy. Although I am saying this I can't say I'd be totally happy with some other woman calling my DC their own as like I've said I always call them my step children but call my eldest stepdaughter's DD my grandchild not step grandchild so is this the same thing? Does your DD call her mum or is it a one way thing?

Start referring to her dc as your son on social media and once she knows how it feels she will probably stop.

"Start referring to her dc as your son on social media and once she knows how it feels she will probably stop." what a stupid suggestion. It's not remotely comparable for starters since the OP doesn't have a parental role in the baby's life.

She sounds nice to be honest. She's doing the best for your kid. Would you rather she hated her?

Ok, now I have this from the other direction slightly. I have 2 dds and am separated from their father, since dd2 was around 2 and dd1 was 6. Eventually realised and got together with my very close friend who is dd2s godfather and has been in our lives since dd1 was almost 3. We have v Little contact with the biodad who has MH issues, and so just can't cope with contact, but we stay in touch, send cards etc. I've subsequently had a ds with new partner. The 3 siblings view themselves as actual siblings and eldest gets v upset if people suggest her brother is only a half brother. New partner has always referred to "my girls" and "my eldest" or "our eldest" etc and they all consider him their father. He's taught them to ride bikes and potty trained and changed nappies, gone to parents evenings and listened to stories of upset in school and bought random gifts etc. I think it's amazing that he draws no distinction between the 3 and the bio dad is grateful his girls have such a great father when he's not able to do his job. He will always be their father, they love him, but new partner is their dad.

Super; I really sympathise with you and appreciate that it must make you uncomfortable to hear another woman refer to your little girl as her daughter.

However! I think you need to look at the bigger picture. It seems as if you are in the fortunate (and sadly uncommon) position of having a good, flexible relationship with your ex and his fiance who clearly both love your daughter very much. The important thing is that your daughter feels secure and surrounded by love in both households, and feels that all the adults involved in her care just want what's best for her.

Your ex and his fiance have been together for a while and seem to have built a stable relationship together; one that includes his existing daughter and their new child together. They will probably marry in the not too distant future, and then fiance will officially be the stepmother.

I absolutely get why it would get under your skin that she calls her 'daughter', but look at it another way. You are so blessed that your ex has a woman who clearly LOVES your daughter and does not differentiate between her and her biological child. Do you know how rare that is?! Does it not comfort you that while you are not with your daughter, she is being cared for by another woman who totally gets how wonderful your daughter is? Would you rather that she upset your daughter by pointedly saying 'Oh, she's not mine; she's just my stepdaughter'.

Do not allow your (perfectly natural) insecurities and jealousy upset what sounds like a pretty ideal set-up. And don't pay any attention to some of the frankly, horrifying advice given by other posters suggesting that you should issue some kind of madwoman ultimatum and withhold your child until you get your own way. (Because you know already, right?, that; a) that's immature, b) immoral, as you would put your feelings above those of your daughter, c) probably illegal, as Mothers don't get to have any more say over where their children spend time than their Fathers do, and d) plain crazy to destroy years of carefully built-up relationships with your ex and his fiance.

You are clearly a great Mum with good instincts; you are just having a blip. Look in the mirror and tell yourself 'I KNOW that I am her mother and that my daughter loves me. I KNOW that it is good for my child to be surrounded by as many people as possible who love her. I KNOW that I can suck it up and move past this, because I am her mother. Good luck....

Not appropriate. I have a stepdaughter whom I adore but I would never call her my daughter. She isn't. She's my stepdaughter and I'm proud to call her that.

You need to have a word with your ex.

I grew up with two dads and later in my teens a step mum. My dad passed away when my half brother was still a small child. Thanks to my lovely step mum we have never lost touch. I still get daughter cards and a little birthday party (and I'm now in my forties!).
I have never called her mum as she is only ten years older than me but she has and always will be part of my family. She has since remarried and is happy.

I have a DF who has a ten year old son. I have a DD (6) from a prior relationship. I refer to myself as the 'evil stepmother'. DD calls him her brother. I have been in his life for nearly 4 years. I call them 'the kids' etc but wouldn't call him my son. I love him to bits though and we often have time just the three of us as DF works nights. We have a lot of fun, I'm teaching him to cook, we play games and I would be upset if he only stayed when his dad was home. He is part of our family!

I can understand how upsetting it would feel to see the daughter FB comment. But as long as she isn't pushing your DD to call her mum (which is so inappropriate) and your DD is happy then maybe the best course of action is to do nothing. Hurtful as it is it may simply be a lack of understanding on her part of how that would make you feel.