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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not like step parent calling dd her daughter?

311 replies

Supermagicsmile · 21/06/2017 06:36

Not sure on this one if IABU but this is really bugging me.

Dd is almost 7. Her dad's been with his fiancé for around 4 years (they had been together when younger too so has known her for years!) When dd is there she is involved in her care which I am fine with. She's generally a really nice person and dd likes her. They have a little boy together (6months) who dd adores aswell.

She (step mum) refers to dd as 'her' daughter and it really, really annoys me Blush.

I have spoken to dd's dad about and he did speak to her. There are comments on Facebook 'so proud of my daughter for passing her ballet exam' etc. Also a really gushy post on Father's Day about their family and their 2 kids.
She had requested dd spend another afternoon round there in the week (dd's dad will be at work so it would just be her and the kids). We don't have any formal custody arrangement as never needed it but I don't really want dd there without her dad one extra afternoon a week when I could have her at home with me.

AIBU? I mentioned it to a friend who says it's fine but I don't agree. Hmm
(Dd doesn't call her mum, she has always just used her first name thank goodness )

AIBU? (If so, how do I handle it as I'm struggling with it now. If I'm not, how how do I fix it?)

OP posts:
ShakingAndShocked · 21/06/2017 13:19

Stepmothers cannot win. Here we have what seems to be a happy medium with your daughter and her step mother getting on well and you want to start sticking the knife in by having a pop at her for daring to say 'daughter'.

Oh FFS. Nowhere does OP say or indicate she 'wants to stick the knife in' Hmm

And whilst I agree it seems a happy medium has been achieved, that does not in any way give SM the right to parade OPs DD on social media - the only person she makes those posts for is clearly herself (as clearly DD is not on FB 'liking' her posts or somehow feeling more 'loved' for them).

It's great that you support their relationship; it's great that she's a good SM; it's great your DD loves new baby - NONE of that means it's ok that the SM posts things such as the 'MY DD ballet' one.

DD clearly does NOT call SM her 'DM'. That is your child centric startig point. Okay post family pics of 'our kids', very not ok to do things like the ballet post and TBH I'd question her motivation given there is nothing in that that is for DD's benefit.

So YWBU if you were dissing SM or obstructig what is a positive relationship with your DD. YADDDNBU to both question and dislike SM referring to DD as 'her' daughter. I'd have a very clear, very civil, convo about how that needs to stop (& it stopping has zero cost to DD - which itself also makes clear that SM is doing it for her own benefit).

waitforitfdear · 21/06/2017 13:21

Got so say it souls bug me too op.

ShakingAndShocked · 21/06/2017 13:26

Another thought - if you and Ex have already discussed this, why is SM persisting?

I repeat, she can be the very best SM in the world (& it does sound as if you respect the relationship) but that still would not make your DD 'her DD' so why is she still doing it when already been told it's inappropriate?

So not ok and not something I would ever dream of doing to DSCs.

XJerseyGirlX · 21/06/2017 13:27

It depends, if your ex wouldn't like your dd calling another man dad then he shouldn't really allow step mum to call your dd " her daughter". Its nice she wants to be so involved , but I personally (don't speak for everyone) wouldn't like her referring to her as her daughter or her mother.

Whats wrong with just being a lovely step mother or step father? I had a horrendous time getting my dd into this world, I wouldn't like anyone else taking credit for that. But, I would be really happy that she likes your dd so much, it can so often go the other way.

I would say something to your ex DP again - in a nice way and point out how he may feel if it was reversed.

DirtyChaiLatte · 21/06/2017 13:28

Do you not want the biggest possible circle of love and affection for your DD? I think it's great your daughter has a mother who loves her, a father who loves her and also a step mum who loves her too. She has a whole extra person MORE who loves her and treats her like a daughter.

I think YABU and should put your DD's well-being above your own feelings. You will always be her mother regardless.

XJerseyGirlX · 21/06/2017 13:28

Also, if I was told not to do it and continued then I would say that isn't very respectful of you either.

XJerseyGirlX · 21/06/2017 13:29

She isn't being respectful of you I mean... fuck ignore me today I cant make sense to myself

SenecaFalls · 21/06/2017 13:33

I am a step-child and a step-mother. I think for many step-parents, it can sound distancing to refer to a child, especially in their presence, as a step-child. My step-parents always referred to me as their daughter and I do the same with my own two step-children. Happily my parents did not object, nor has my husband's ex-wife. It certainly made me feel included, especially after my father had more children with my step-mother. I am pretty sure my step-children feel the same way. I am a grandparent to their children with no distinction being made from their blood grandparents.

mellowbean · 21/06/2017 13:34

why does she want your daughter going over there? does she need a mini slave to fetch and carry for her? or will they be doing craft stuff and daytrips? either way I think its odd, is the dad going to ask for full custody?

paddypants13 · 21/06/2017 13:36

Hmmm, I'm on the fence with this one. I refer to my SIL's stepson as my nephew and I love him to bits, I hope if I ever met his mum she would understand that.

However, I'm not sure I would like someone else referring to dd like that...

I'd be inclined to try and accept that her heart's in the right place but maybe ask her not to write "my daughter" on social media.

Lottie991 · 21/06/2017 13:47

Unfollow her on social media.

Your dd is very lucky to have such a kind caring stepmother. Your daughter knows she is your daughter, She is happy and loved in both homes, Focus on that.

sharklovers · 21/06/2017 13:47

I'd hate it if any of my step parents had been told that they weren't to consider me their son. I also have a step sister, I would never refer to her as such though.

Wallywobbles · 21/06/2017 13:52

Perhaps you could block her on FB or ask her to block you then you won't know.

I have 50/50 care for my step kids and 100% for mine (not DHs). Both DH & I say we have 4 kids. If their mum really minded I suppose I wouldn't do it but I'd think she was the one with an issue. It's just a quick way of talking about them.

My step mum always calls me her daughter. I'd hate it if she didn't. After all the parenting she did it's the least she deserves.

WannaBe · 21/06/2017 13:54

"why does she want your daughter going over there? does she need a mini slave to fetch and carry for her? or will they be doing craft stuff and daytrips? either way I think its odd, is the dad going to ask for full custody?" wtf? So now it's odd for the mother of this child's sibling to consider them spending time together a good thing? Why exactly?

In all the "it's odd" posts there isn't one single one which takes the child's interests into account. The SM is the daughter's sibling's mother. nothing is going to change that fact, and the relationship the DD has with said sibling will, if the adults play their cards right, be a life-long one. They, and presumably future siblings, will have relationships in the future which don't include any of the adults who are being encouraged to play tug-of-war over a child here in order to placate their feelings.

I hope to God some of the posters on this thread don't have children who have step parents, because if they do they're presumably the unhinged ex's who get talked about on the SP boards...

Augustbabyyeah · 21/06/2017 13:54

Perhaps the OP could put her child first rather than her own misplaced indignation.

RedWineLush · 21/06/2017 13:56

I am with those that believe the more people who love your daughter then better.
I had both a stepmom and stepdad growing up and although I called them by their first names, I often referred to each set as my 'parents.' I loved them both and stayed very involved with my stepmother after my father died. My stepdad and mum had an acrimonious break up when I was a teenager and she did not allow any contact - I still miss him sometimes and I am in my forties.

In addition, my niece and nephew are part of reconstructed families and it is all very civil and relaxed. My niece often calls her stepmum 'mum'. And the kids have huge extended families because all of the grandparents accept the step grandchildren too. Love is not finite.

WhooooAmI24601 · 21/06/2017 14:02

Love is not finite. RedWineLush is spot on.

I split from DS1's Dad when he was 5 months old. He has a DP he'll marry next summer, I have a DH. DS1 calls both men "Dad" because that's what he wants to do. When he speaks about his Dad's DP he sometimes refers to her as Mum. DS1 last year asked if he could double-barrell his surname to have both men's surnames so he fitted in with both families. His Dad and I spoke about it and agreed if he was mature enough to ask for it, he was mature enough to handle it.

However, DS1 calling another woman Mum doesn't lessen the enormity or validity of my role in his life; it simply means another woman loves and cares for him when I'm not around. As much as the name 'Mum' means something, love means more. I would hope his Dad feels the same way about him referring to DH as Dad, too.

Willyoujustbequiet · 21/06/2017 14:04

Yanbu

it's disrespectful of her, inconsiderate and inaccurate let's face it. Tbh it smacks of controlling. The social media stuff sounds a bit childish and attention seeking.

She can be a perfectly loving and inclusive step mother whilst acknowledging she isn't her mum.

SenecaFalls · 21/06/2017 14:11

They, and presumably future siblings, will have relationships in the future which don't include any of the adults who are being encouraged to play tug-of-war over a child here in order to placate their feelings.

This is an excellent point. All four of my parents are dead now. My full brother and I are very close to our half-siblings. I do give my parents (all four of them) lots of credit for how close we are as adults.

JacquesHammer · 21/06/2017 14:12

why does she want your daughter going over there? does she need a mini slave to fetch and carry for her? or will they be doing craft stuff and daytrips? either way I think its odd, is the dad going to ask for full custody

What on EARTH?! My DD spends time with her stepmum without her dad (and with her dad without stepmum) because she wants to. I am pretty sure SM doesn't just have her over to be a "slave" what a bizarre train of thought.

For me it's just words. Motherhood goes beyond the name. If my daughter suddenly decides to call me by my first name I am still her mum. If she decides to call another, very important woman in her life "mum", then it doesn't have any bearing on her relationship with me.

JacquesHammer · 21/06/2017 14:13

Whooooo you all sound absolutely wonderful parents. No wonder your son is so happy and mature

HulkJuice · 21/06/2017 14:19

YABU DD knows that you are her mum and nothing will ever change that. I think you should be glad that she adores your daughter and treats her as her own, it could be the other way round.

Yes I agree with "so much bitterness on this thread"

Needanewaura · 21/06/2017 15:16

Redwinelush is your stepfather still alive? If I were you I'd probably not be able to help getting in touch.

From watching long lost families, reconciling with people who haven't been in your life for years can be really healing.

Once again, I can't believe the people who put their own feelings (ego) before the feelings of their children.

katronfon · 21/06/2017 15:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SirVixofVixHall · 21/06/2017 15:31

I don't think it is about love. She can love the OP's daughter, yes, great if she does, the more people to love a child the better, but hijacking the title of mother for ones own sake, especially after being told by the child's father that it is upsetting his ex, isn't a very loving thing to do at all. As a pp said, this weird boasting on social media is all about the SM, not the child. The SM is treating the dd like a possession, not the OP who simply wants to retain her title of Mother for herself alone, a perfectly reasonable request.