'Friend' can't or won't accept my guide dog...

[ReallyRatherMiffed]

Not so much an AIBU but more a how would you respond?

(Long time lurker, first time poster, please bare with me etc!)

Back ground... 16 years ago I was diagnosed with a condition which means I am gradually losing my sight - potential to lose it completely, but the hope is I'll always retain SOME useful vision - obviously at the time I was devastated and really thought that was the end of any meaningful life for me. I didn't & still don't 'look blind' (not sure what blind is supposed to look like, but clearly I don't fit the stereotype that most have!), but was/am blind enough to be registered severely sight impaired & for guide dogs to think I'd benefit from a guide dog.

Eight years ago I was matched with my amazing guide dog, apart from the obvious, he made me realise that meaningful life wasn't at an end, but just a different route to the one I thought I'd be taking!

At the time one of my then closest friends (shall we call her Edna?!) told me that I would not be allowed to take my dog to her house as she doesn't like them, while I was a bit upset I accepted that as it's her home and she gets to decide who & what goes there so said we'd be meeting in public or at my house instead... initially this was fine, but after a couple of years she started to complain that I never made any effort to go to hers. I pointed out that she had an issue with my guide dog going to hers and that was why, she accepted it for a while but then the little digs started up again and it became a real cycle... meeting up for a while, the digs starting, me having to remind her that I'm visually impaired and that he's my guide dog and essentially a mobility aid, he enables me to get from a to b safely etc, her grudgingly accepting it and then the cycle starting again. She's had a child since then and now the reason is her child is scared of dogs (again, that's fair enough, I'm not one of these people that thinks the world and his wife is going to love my dog in the same way I do, but he really IS lovely )

Obviously, this has had an effect on our friendship! It's boring and to be quite honest I find it disrespectful that I had to continuously remind her WHY I no longer spend time at hers (HER choice) and we are no longer the close friends we once were. But we do still occasionally meet up for a catch up meal/drinks, there was no big falling out it was just a gradual parting ways sort of thing. As such I no longer invite her to all the things I would have once invited her to.

On Saturday I had an impromptu get together at mine in the afternoon for a few hours, some old and new friends, some other guide dogs & their owners, friends with kids & mine, a paddling pool, food and just a nice afternoon. Naturally, pictures and posts were made on stage whispers Facebook - and last night....

I got an incredibly ranty message from Edna, calling me the worse friend she's ever had, why hadn't I invited her on Saturday, why did I always use the dog as an excuse not to go to hers, I should just leave him at home, I had and continue to exaggerate the extent of my sight loss, calling me an attention seeking fraud and much more...

It's REALLY upset me! I basically want to message her back and say 'YOU'RE the cunt that decided my taking steps to deal with MY sight loss doesn't fit what YOU want in a friend and that's why we're no longer fucking close!' With a few more swear words added in probably to be honest...

But what I really want is a clear fuck off and fuck you message without actually saying that so the least drama possible can escalate from it...

Suggestions gratefully received! And congrats I feel you made it to the end of this epic first timers post

I am disabled - not sight impaired, but due to spina bifida I have had to rely on a wheelchair more and more over the last couple of years. I am amazed at the number of so called friends who just cannot accept that at nearly 60 years of age, I am nothing like as mobile as I was when I was younger. Even though I am much more mobile and able to join in activities and trips using the chair, they seem to see it as some sort of obstacle, and I have been left out of quite a few activities and trips that I would have been invited to before the use of the chair. It seems to me that there are some parallels here.

This 'friend' (trust me she's not) is using your beautiful and valuable guide dog in the same way. It's her problem not yours and if you've had a get together with some people who are going through the same thing as you, what business is it of hers - judging by her attitude to your disability she wouldn't have been interested anyway. She's the worst kind of friend - she wants friendship on her terms regardless of your needs, and to actually accuse you of exaggerating your disability when you are gradually losing your sight, is nothing short of vicious. Drop her like a hot brick, don't upset yourself any further and move on to people who accept you for what you are and not any health problems you have.

I lost my husband of 40 years in the space of 12 days, just over 8 weeks ago. He was my soulmate, carer and best friend and we went everywhere together. I'm nothing short of gobsmacked by the way in which some of my friends have expected me to 'get over it' in just a few weeks, and also how some of them have backed off after saying that I could rely on them. There is no accounting for the attitudes of some people and the only thing I can say is that I am a great believer in Karma. What goes around comes around, and sooner or later these people will be at the receiving end in some way and will have time to reflect on how they treated you. Drop her and move on. She's a selfish, immature little girl and you can do much better. Don't know where you live, but you would always be welcome in my home, guide dog too.

Love and best wishes. Pam. Xx

I am so sorry you had to go through with that so called "Supportive" friend.
I don't know how you put up with her all those years of her being so self centered and inconsiderate.
You do not need her in your life. She just showed her true colours.

Best medicine to give her is ignore her, ignore the message, delete her from everything, and enjoy your life.
Or you can keep the Facebook and just post pictures when you go out, that will push all her buttons ;)
I would love to meet this creature and punch her for you. The sound of her aggravates me

How about 'ironic isn't it, that I get a guide dog but you're the one who turns into a BITCH'.

Pam

For you Pam 🌺
OP, you rock, your friend, not so
much ! 😡
Please give your gorgeous boy, a big old belly rub, from me.

Type every ranting sweary message you want to send but don't send them. Instead, take the higher ground. I would tell her you hope she never has to experience loosing a sense, but that you hope she can one day find it in herself to be able empathise with someone who has. Then Never contact the cunt again.

My friend has retinitis pigmentosa and has got so much aggro from the public (he too doesn't 'look blind') that he now carries a white stick and says, sadly, that people are nicer to him when he uses it.

Do people imagine that you can just pick up a seeing eye dog on Gumtree? You need to be assessed, there is a process.

OP I'm sorry your 'friend' has been so rubbish to you. She clearly feels uncomfortable with your disability and doesn't know how to act, which makes her defensive. That does not excuse her behaviour, which is terrible and can't be excused.

When my mum was being treated for breast cancer, a family 'friend' (for over 30 years), who talks nonstop about the voluntary work she does with people with cancer and who has survived cancer herself, was so intrusive and domineering we had to reduce our contact with her. Down the road she got some bug up her arse about a minor issue she embroidered to suit herself (she maintained I was not in touch with another friend during the three weeks my mum was having radiation) and started talking to mutual friends about me and eventually cut contact. People can be messed up about illness and disability, and it is sometimes the person you least expect. Still inexcusable.

Don't bother with a response. If you'd really like to, I feel the best response might be..."Go fuck yourself. Do not contact me again. Ever". Yes, that's entirely appropriate, I think.

Dear lovely - really rather miffed. Please, please, stop agonising over this person, who clearly was NEVER a friend in the first place, let alone now. You have clearly so bravely got on with it, and met some lovely new friends, who enjoy your company, your home, your hospitality, and totally appreciate and understand your dog. She does not, cannot and will not, because she is one of lifes' "users". Sadly she is NOT a friend, you need to think carefully about allowing her to cause you any more waste of time, emotional angst or anything. You are SO much better off without her, and do some more of your lovely, wonderful afternoon get-togethers, with all your understanding and GENUINE friends! To be honest, although it is galling, and I totally understand the niggling urgent need to respond, - you know what ? The best response and the most hurtful to her, is to just ignore her!!! She will boil over, and hopefully explode into a moulten mess. Please think about this. You are so way above her, and she does not deserve an answer. Ignoring her will drive her very much more crazy than you ranting at her, because then she can think to her sad self..." hmmm told you so!" PLEASE ignore her, and then don't you dare not post back in a few weeks to let all us supporters know how you got on!! Lots of love, and DO your lovely garden party again, with all your "genuine" friends, and plaster the pictures all over every social media you use!!! Lots of love, and very good luck in the future. xxx

This happens a lot actually. Friends and family of people who are registered as visually impaired often try to 'prove' that it is nonsense and that their relative is making it up. Our local ECLO does a lot of educating relatives in particular who take their own denial out on the person actually affected by poor sight. Ret Pig is a typical one because central vision can be retained after diagnosis and it is slowly progressive.
That, coupled with the idea that "blind" = total blackness therefore you can't be blind if you can see a bit.

Doesn't excuse her behaviour though, she's being an utter trollop. Walk away OP. She thinks she knows better and some people won't be told.

How are you feeling about it today OP? If you decided to reply there are some fabulous suggestions right here....

I really feel for you. How horrid. But the only useful advice I can offer is that you simply ignore her forever. She is a nasty person if that's how she behaves. Your life is better without her. Simple.

ScarletFreestone. Thank you, much appreciated.

Pam

God there are some shitty people in the world. People like Edna don't bloody deserve any friends. Save your friendship for someone worthy of it.

How horrible. That is not the behaviour of a friend. It is also the behaviour of someone with zero empathy. Therefore although there are all sorts of fun responses you could send it might be better to send nothing. Whatever you send will not impact her and keeping the dialogue open will hurt you. Detach, block on fb if necessary, chalk it down to experience and pat yourself on the back/have a glass of wine in recognition of how well you're dealing with whst life throws at you

Sugarpiehoneyeye. Thank you, much appreciated. Pam. xx

I wouldn't respond in any way at all. Just block all available contact methods, and defriend etc on social media. Move on. She's a twat. Leave her the last wanky word - she sounds the sort who'd always insist on having it, anyway, and she will only hurt you more. (Besides, she clearly can't take being ignored, so doing so will speak volumes, I suspect.)

Oh, and yes to keeping the message in case you need it at a later date to prove her twatdom.

I am so sorry you were subjected to this. What a horrible way to treat someone - sight loss has to be hugely challenging and you've managed it so well.

And anyone scared of a guide-dog lacks intelligence or basic general knowledge, given their training. Teaching your child to be scared of them?! What a fool.

I would simply say that "If I didn't have a severe visual impairment I would not qualify for a guide dog so I am not exaggerating or playing on it. My guide dog is necessary to my day to day life, you aren't. If you cannot support me then I consider it no great loss to end our friendship"

OK as an ex guide dog owner I feel you are totally justfied in wanting to end the friendship. Her behaviour is intolerant and intolerable. I suspect she might be struggling to adapt to the new 'blind' you, especially if you have the audacity to have adapted well and continue to lead a normal life. (how dare you smashthe stereotype?!😂 smiley face), It's her baggage not yours. Tell her if she works on becoming the worthwhile friend she appears to think she is then she's welcome back jnto your life. Till then you don't want her in your life.

I think you are justified in feeling angry - when first diagnosed and first getting the dog you shouldn't have needed to explain yourself to anyone, and certainly not more than once. She has repeatedly snubbed you and your lifeline guide dog, is rude, selfish and so far up herself she really could fuck herself! Enjoy your other, real friends and try to forget one spiteful cow. She's the sort of person who would not get a ramp if a visitor was in a wheelchair, would shout at deaf people and is probably equally inconsiderate in other areas of life. Your dog sounds great by the way pats - the vast majority of people would be accepting and make your dog as welcome as you - you come as a pair now. Crack on with your life without the worry of a backstabbing bitching discriminating pain in your arse - not worth the time, trouble or worry. Oh, and well done for finding a new path for your life, and a companion dog to walk that path with you :)

She sounds like a complete arsehole. I would do what pp have said and block and ignore.
She wants you to bite.
Show her you don't give a shit by rising above it.

BarbarianMum - I did think afterwards that 'meet halfway' wasn't the best choice of metaphor

Puppy walkers do an amazing job - a thankful woof from my guide dog to you r friend.

You don't need a pejudiced, short sighted (mentally!) narrow minded friend in your life, at all. If her child is scared of dogs it's probably because she is, and has influenced the poor kid!
You have a lovely dog, who helps you in your daily needs, will always love you, and other friends with guide dogs too, to keep you and your dog company.
I would be tempted to simply say "Fuck off you warped bitch".

I have only got as far as page 6 but just wanted to say that My DD is allergic to cats and dogs but she would be happy for you and your dog to visit. She would put up with the discomfort as she has been brought up to be non-discriminatory and we would have a good hoover after you'd left - it would be the least we could do for a friend.
Coincidently, I've just finished reading wordery.com/my-life-in-his-paws-wendy-hilling-9781473635708?cTrk=NTI4MDM1Mzd8NTk0YWM2MzY1MDVhNzoxOjE6OjEyNGVhMTBk, the lady isn't blind but needs her dog every bit as much as you. I'd recommend the book to anyone - send her a copy!

Tell her if you cant bring the dog to hers, she cant bring her eyeballs to yours...