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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

'Friend' can't or won't accept my guide dog...

417 replies

ReallyRatherMiffed · 20/06/2017 09:47

Not so much an AIBU but more a how would you respond?

(Long time lurker, first time poster, please bare with me etc!)

Back ground... 16 years ago I was diagnosed with a condition which means I am gradually losing my sight - potential to lose it completely, but the hope is I'll always retain SOME useful vision - obviously at the time I was devastated and really thought that was the end of any meaningful life for me. I didn't & still don't 'look blind' (not sure what blind is supposed to look like, but clearly I don't fit the stereotype that most have!), but was/am blind enough to be registered severely sight impaired & for guide dogs to think I'd benefit from a guide dog.

Eight years ago I was matched with my amazing guide dog, apart from the obvious, he made me realise that meaningful life wasn't at an end, but just a different route to the one I thought I'd be taking!

At the time one of my then closest friends (shall we call her Edna?!) told me that I would not be allowed to take my dog to her house as she doesn't like them, while I was a bit upset I accepted that as it's her home and she gets to decide who & what goes there so said we'd be meeting in public or at my house instead... initially this was fine, but after a couple of years she started to complain that I never made any effort to go to hers. I pointed out that she had an issue with my guide dog going to hers and that was why, she accepted it for a while but then the little digs started up again and it became a real cycle... meeting up for a while, the digs starting, me having to remind her that I'm visually impaired and that he's my guide dog and essentially a mobility aid, he enables me to get from a to b safely etc, her grudgingly accepting it and then the cycle starting again. She's had a child since then and now the reason is her child is scared of dogs (again, that's fair enough, I'm not one of these people that thinks the world and his wife is going to love my dog in the same way I do, but he really IS lovely Grin)

Obviously, this has had an effect on our friendship! It's boring and to be quite honest I find it disrespectful that I had to continuously remind her WHY I no longer spend time at hers (HER choice) and we are no longer the close friends we once were. But we do still occasionally meet up for a catch up meal/drinks, there was no big falling out it was just a gradual parting ways sort of thing. As such I no longer invite her to all the things I would have once invited her to.

On Saturday I had an impromptu get together at mine in the afternoon for a few hours, some old and new friends, some other guide dogs & their owners, friends with kids & mine, a paddling pool, food and just a nice afternoon. Naturally, pictures and posts were made on stage whispers Facebook - and last night....

I got an incredibly ranty message from Edna, calling me the worse friend she's ever had, why hadn't I invited her on Saturday, why did I always use the dog as an excuse not to go to hers, I should just leave him at home, I had and continue to exaggerate the extent of my sight loss, calling me an attention seeking fraud and much more... Confused Hmm

It's REALLY upset me! I basically want to message her back and say 'YOU'RE the cunt that decided my taking steps to deal with MY sight loss doesn't fit what YOU want in a friend and that's why we're no longer fucking close!' With a few more swear words added in probably to be honest... Blush

But what I really want is a clear fuck off and fuck you message without actually saying that so the least drama possible can escalate from it...

Suggestions gratefully received! And congrats I feel you made it to the end of this epic first timers post Shock

OP posts:
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SheSaidHeSaid · 21/06/2017 14:57

Right, that's it, whenever I need help sticking up for myself I'm getting Madwoman to do it for me.

Change your name from madwoman to wonder woman please! Grin

ScarlettFreestone · 21/06/2017 15:05

What a dreadful person.

I don't like dogs. At all. I'm not phobic but I am a bit scared of them.

Guide dogs are entirely different because they are so well trained.

I would simply reply:

"Edna,

I am appalled by your message and embarrassed on your behalf. Please never contact me again."

Jux · 21/06/2017 15:32

Scarlett yours wins. Clear, concise, and no rudeness or swearing. Perfect.

Chestervase1 · 21/06/2017 15:36

Strangeandunusual I am not talking about the allergies that can be remedied with one or two antihistamine tablets. I may need a course of cortisteroids to bring down symptoms which in thereself cause long term problems.

StrangeAndUnusual · 21/06/2017 15:47

Chestervase, that sounds tough and I sympathise. Not sure how it changes my post though.

My post was saying that someone with severe allergies who wanted to maintain a friendship with a guide dog owner could to meet them halfway. For example by offering to pick up/drop off their blind friend so that they can leave the dog behind. Also offering guiding assistance to replace the dog's when they are out together. Not just saying 'get yourself here to meet me without your dog' - which might well be extremely difficult, dangerous, or impossible.

DaddyThunder · 21/06/2017 15:48

well, it doesn't seem like somebody you should be hanging around with. Ask her, if she had broken legs and you told her she couldn't bring her crutches into your house, how would she feel?

You need this dog. It's not a choice, it's not like you suddenly decided one day "Hey, I'm going to get a dog and take it everywhere with me, this will be awesome".

I'd kind of understand "sorry I can't let your dog in my house". As you've said it's her house... but to complain afterwards that you don't go around is absolutely absurd

BarbarianMum · 21/06/2017 16:04

Strangeandunusual yes of course I'd meet a guide dog owner halfway (more than halfway in fact). I don't actually know anyone with a guide dog atm but i do have a friend who does the first bit of guide dog training (puppy walking? ). When she's got a dog we me outdoors and go for long walks together. I certainly wouldn't just expect someone to leave an assistance dog at home for my convenience.

BarbarianMum · 21/06/2017 16:06

That's "meet halfway" in the metaphorical sense not literally. Aargh, so full of antihistamines right now I'm not even sure I'm making sense.

jillb55 · 21/06/2017 17:29

I would be very tempted to say that you have to cut your friendship because the dog doesn't like her. She is no friend.

bbismad · 21/06/2017 17:31

Horrible woman. She isn't your friend, a friend would not treat you like that... block on Facebook and real life.

Sharl2017 · 21/06/2017 17:43

I feel so angry for you that I don't even know how you should respond (I just want you to know that I've read it and empathise with you)

Reply with a message saying how you feel. You don't need friends like that so I wouldn't even bother with the pleasantries anymore.

Dianag111 · 21/06/2017 17:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

R8ch3l · 21/06/2017 17:50

Dear Edna,

I'd be happy to come to your house without my guide dog on the proviso that you attend mine with a blindfold at all times. (You could upgrade this to gouging out her eyes if you're feeling fanciful)

If this compromise is not acceptable then I would suggest that we part company on the grounds of attention seeking behaviour (on your part) and a complete lack of empathy.

For the sake of your reputation and the comfort of our mutual friends I would suggest that you refrain from sending me any further vile messages.

Sharl2017 · 21/06/2017 17:52

Yes R8ch3l!!Wine op that is exactly what you should put!!!Grin

TheMysteriousJackelope · 21/06/2017 17:53

I like Madwoman5's response. Dignified, to the point, and no swearing.

I would suggest hanging onto Edna's message and your response so that if any mutual friends ask why you are not socializing with her anymore you can show them exactly why without having to comment. Her own words damn her far more than any description of them would, it also prevents her complaining that you made her out to be worse than she was.

user1496780858 · 21/06/2017 17:57

What an awful situation to be in. I've had friends who have been oblivious to their behaviour before as well and generally been twats...

I know a lot of people are saying don't reply, block and move on... but from experience, I've really not regretted replying to messages like those. It's a chance to tell your side of the story that she's obviously been too ignorant, selfish and self centred to see.

By all means block her and forget about her, but just make sure you say what you've got to say first... personally I really regret not saying my piece and keeping it pent up has cause a lot of resentment!

sandelf · 21/06/2017 18:01

Shocking behaviour. She is sort of shouting at you that she doesn't want to be friends any more. So time you got the point. Don't respond in any way to any of her advances again. If situation makes this impossible - explain you are busy with other things so no time for anything she may suggest/bring up whatever. Move right on. Live your life. Only a pity you have been considerate for so long - waste no more time.

ManOfKent · 21/06/2017 18:02

She's not your friend. If you respond she'll only have something to show mutual friends which will be sold as 'proof that YOU are a bitch'.

Block her, give yourself and your dog a good hug and move on. Your failure to respond will wind her into a mental frenzy - and she deserves that at least!

On a slightly different subject:
I LOVE it when you lot talk dirty - sooo funny 😂

ukred · 21/06/2017 18:02

Animals are preferable to people. You have proved why.

TheLegendOfBeans · 21/06/2017 18:06

Just send the hippo poo vid as a response.

That or call her voicemail; do a wee fart down the line then hang up.

AND BLOCK AND DELETE HER FOREVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

lotbyname · 21/06/2017 18:06

She is not your friend. Can I be your friend? You put with the Worst Person On Mumsnet for years, and I'm at least partially better than that!

You'd also understand why when I tell people my 6 month old baby will be partially sighted and they say OH THAT'S NOT SO BAD I want to kill them with wooden spoons. Slow Spoon Death.

38cody · 21/06/2017 18:08

I think your message is fine - also tell her to take a deep breath and consider how she would feel dealing with sight loss - you sound amazing and have length of other friends.
The crux is that she feels that you don't need a guide dog.
It would be a big problem if I were your friends as I'm allergic to dogs but we would meet outside and it would be neither of our 'faults'
Bin her.

Neome · 21/06/2017 18:14

Surely a link to this thread is all that's needed...

🐕

Katherine2626 · 21/06/2017 18:14

This is a 'friend'? it sounds as if she has really severe problems and possibly a narcissistic personality disorder - cannot see anyone else's point of view or needs, and is only interested in herself and what she wants. Whatever the reason I would ditch her instantly - why put yourself through all the explaining and reasoning; she doesn't deserve a friend if she has absolutely no compassion or understanding, and HOW DARE she suggest you are making too much of your vision difficulties! Is she some kind of specialist that she can pronounce on your condition?

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/06/2017 18:15

" I basically want to message her back and say 'YOU'RE the cunt that decided my taking steps to deal with MY sight loss doesn't fit what YOU want in a friend and that's why we're no longer fucking close!' With a few more swear words added in probably to be honest... Blush"

That sounds fine to me.

As does the suggestion that you screenshot her "incredibly ranty message" and post it on Facebook for all to see.

Yes, I really would do that. Because she's a cunt.