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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

'Friend' can't or won't accept my guide dog...

417 replies

ReallyRatherMiffed · 20/06/2017 09:47

Not so much an AIBU but more a how would you respond?

(Long time lurker, first time poster, please bare with me etc!)

Back ground... 16 years ago I was diagnosed with a condition which means I am gradually losing my sight - potential to lose it completely, but the hope is I'll always retain SOME useful vision - obviously at the time I was devastated and really thought that was the end of any meaningful life for me. I didn't & still don't 'look blind' (not sure what blind is supposed to look like, but clearly I don't fit the stereotype that most have!), but was/am blind enough to be registered severely sight impaired & for guide dogs to think I'd benefit from a guide dog.

Eight years ago I was matched with my amazing guide dog, apart from the obvious, he made me realise that meaningful life wasn't at an end, but just a different route to the one I thought I'd be taking!

At the time one of my then closest friends (shall we call her Edna?!) told me that I would not be allowed to take my dog to her house as she doesn't like them, while I was a bit upset I accepted that as it's her home and she gets to decide who & what goes there so said we'd be meeting in public or at my house instead... initially this was fine, but after a couple of years she started to complain that I never made any effort to go to hers. I pointed out that she had an issue with my guide dog going to hers and that was why, she accepted it for a while but then the little digs started up again and it became a real cycle... meeting up for a while, the digs starting, me having to remind her that I'm visually impaired and that he's my guide dog and essentially a mobility aid, he enables me to get from a to b safely etc, her grudgingly accepting it and then the cycle starting again. She's had a child since then and now the reason is her child is scared of dogs (again, that's fair enough, I'm not one of these people that thinks the world and his wife is going to love my dog in the same way I do, but he really IS lovely Grin)

Obviously, this has had an effect on our friendship! It's boring and to be quite honest I find it disrespectful that I had to continuously remind her WHY I no longer spend time at hers (HER choice) and we are no longer the close friends we once were. But we do still occasionally meet up for a catch up meal/drinks, there was no big falling out it was just a gradual parting ways sort of thing. As such I no longer invite her to all the things I would have once invited her to.

On Saturday I had an impromptu get together at mine in the afternoon for a few hours, some old and new friends, some other guide dogs & their owners, friends with kids & mine, a paddling pool, food and just a nice afternoon. Naturally, pictures and posts were made on stage whispers Facebook - and last night....

I got an incredibly ranty message from Edna, calling me the worse friend she's ever had, why hadn't I invited her on Saturday, why did I always use the dog as an excuse not to go to hers, I should just leave him at home, I had and continue to exaggerate the extent of my sight loss, calling me an attention seeking fraud and much more... Confused Hmm

It's REALLY upset me! I basically want to message her back and say 'YOU'RE the cunt that decided my taking steps to deal with MY sight loss doesn't fit what YOU want in a friend and that's why we're no longer fucking close!' With a few more swear words added in probably to be honest... Blush

But what I really want is a clear fuck off and fuck you message without actually saying that so the least drama possible can escalate from it...

Suggestions gratefully received! And congrats I feel you made it to the end of this epic first timers post Shock

OP posts:
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QueenofEsgaroth · 20/06/2017 17:03

Also agree with Winnie about the word cunt and all others demeaning to the female sex, we need to scrape off the sexism ...

Stopnamechanging · 20/06/2017 17:03

m.kentlive.news/undercover-blind-people-with-dogs-reveal-taxi-drivers-treated-them-illegally-in-tunbridge-wells/story-29948498-detail/story.html

They are still doing it now and incredibly lots of them have allergies this year.

TheFaerieQueene · 20/06/2017 17:06

OP did you name her Edna for this Evil Edna? I do hope so.

'Friend' can't or won't accept my guide dog...
ReallyRatherMiffed · 20/06/2017 17:06

Me again, been out and about (minus dog as far too hot for him!) but again thanks for all your messages Grin some of them have really made me chuckle!

Just for the record, this isn't/wasn't a case of allergies. Or dog phobia. It was as simple as 'I don't like dogs so I don't want him in my house' which then turned into your lying about your disability - that's what I'm really rather miffed about!

I get it, some people have allergies, some are phobic and some just don't like them, that's fine. All I ask is that those that are tell me and then they take the steps to ensure they don't put themselves in the situation where they're in close proximity to us - the likelihood of me seeing them is small after all Wink

It's about being realistic in expectations of each other, if you have a strong allergy the likelihood of us being best mates is going to be pretty small, but we can still be pleasant to each other etc etc etc

I've decided not to share his picture as someone said... it could be very outing if I did, but he's lovely, and still has a puppy soul (the body is not quite so willing!) and is sweet and stupid and intelligent and disgusting and adorable and stubborn and compliant and lovely all rolled into one!

You'll just have to take my word for it! Grin

OP posts:
Nancy91 · 20/06/2017 17:06

As long as the hippo had some form of gigantic nappy then Grin

kittybiscuits · 20/06/2017 17:13

I have allergies and I don't like dogs. Guide dog trumps that all day long. Anyone's guide dog, nevermind if it was my friend losing their sight. Your ex friend is really sick.

BarbarianMum · 20/06/2017 17:14

It is illegal to refuse passage to a guide dog without an exemption - and you have to have the exemption certificate in advance. You can't just claim an allergy on the night. Perhaps someone should prosecute.

The fact that a dog is an assistance dog doesn't make it any less allergenic. I react the same whether it is a guide dog, hearing assistance dog, diabetes assistance dog or Colin the spaniel from next door. No matter how vital a dog is to your quality of life, it will make me sick (unless it one of the few non shedding individuals that don't set me off). So no dogs come into my house and i don't go into theirs. Endlessly repeating "its a life aid" doesn't change a thing. Hmm

FantasticButtocks · 20/06/2017 17:16

Edna, I didn't invite you because I didn't want you there. I've been finding it increasingly wearing, tolerating your attitude towards me, my lovely dog and my impairment. You've said enough on the subject now. I think we're done now, don't you?

Flowers
BarbarianMum · 20/06/2017 17:17

Sorry OP that rant wasn't aimed at you . I know your case isn't about allergies. I just get pissed off at the 'just pop an antihistamine' brigade. I live dogs. Just being able to pop an antihistamine would be great.

BarbarianMum · 20/06/2017 17:18

I live dogs?? I love dogs.

LittleBeautyBelle · 20/06/2017 17:21

She's not your friend, Op, she's appalling. I would welcome you and your dog anytime. She is awful! Drop her!

Crusoe · 20/06/2017 17:27

Send her a link to this thread. She sounds like no kind of friend at all.

NotYoda · 20/06/2017 17:34

What a very very strange woman

I have never met anyone who didn't admire and accept guide dogs

Stopnamechanging · 20/06/2017 17:37

It is illegal to refuse passage to a guide dog without an exemption - and you have to have the exemption certificate in advance. You can't just claim an allergy on the night. Perhaps someone should prosecute

If you read the link, they did.

I didn't 'endlessly repeat' anything. I reminded you that it's not about accommodating a dog.

www.assistancedogs.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/Common-Allergens-and-allergic-reactions-to-dogs-detailed-report.pdf

BerylStreep · 20/06/2017 17:38

Why on earth would I invite you? There were a number of very much needed guide dogs there, a need you clearly don't understand or tolerate. I couldn't risk you offending my friends with your attitude to sight loss, or have your child scared of the dogs. It confuses me that you think you should have been there, your email shows that you don't seem to like me very much. Please don't contact me again

My favourite response so far. Along with posting her rant and your reply to your wall.

I don't even like dogs and I'm annoyed on your behalf.

I am very sweary, but I also wish that posters wouldn't use terms such as bitch and cunt as a way to demean people. Sad

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 20/06/2017 17:54

@BerylStreep is that because of the female overtones of both of those words or swearing in general?
I often think we don't have enough swear words to cover all options (and non-specifically female ones) although the dictionary definition of Bitch should have a pic of the OPs friend as it sums her up to a T:
a malicious, unpleasant, selfish person

WannaBe · 20/06/2017 17:54

"I have never met anyone who didn't admire and accept guide dogs" it is worth remembering that three out of four guide dog owners have been refused by a taxi driver and two out of four have been refused access to a restaurant or shop. There was an article on the BBC recently of a man in birmingham who was refused by uber drivers thirteen times on the same night, and uber absolutely refuse to cooperate in terms of providing driver details etc so that the council can prosecute them.

My own DP has been refused by uber three times, once where the driver drove away without comment, once where he presented a fake exemption certificate and the most recent time where he actually allowed my DP to film him, number plate and all, refusing to accept the guide dog. In theory he should get a prosecution out of that one but in practice it's unlikely as the councils really aren't interested despite it being an offence.

In terms of restaurants, a friend was refused last year and guide dogs accepted a generous donation to let it go however friend took out a private prosecution as the restaurant in question were sending her hate mail. Turns out they changed the name of their business at the last hour and thus the prosecution became null and void.

RebelRogue · 20/06/2017 17:56

Dear Edna,

I'm so sorry you feel this way. I never realised what an impact me losing my sight and need a sight dog had ON YOU. I can't believe you put up with patiently for 8 years and now I finally realise how selfish I've been simply assuming my sight was more important than your feeling. I tend to remediate that right away by getting rid of the dog,and getting a sight cat. Ofc, that means that I'll only be able to go where the cat wants,but I'm sure I'll see you around one day. I'm sure you understand.
Until then, good luck and good riddance!

Nelly5678 · 20/06/2017 17:57

What I would say:

I AM GOING BLIND. I NEED HIM TO TRAVEL SAFELY. YOU DONT WANT TO BE AROUND HIM. THAT'S YOUR CHOICE AND I RESPECT THAT. BUT I AM NO FRAUD AND UNTIL YOU ACCEPT MY DISABILITY AND NEED FOR MY DOG IM AFRAID WE'RE JUST GOING TO GROW FURTHER AND FURTHER APART

Nelly5678 · 20/06/2017 17:57

What I would say:

I AM GOING BLIND. I NEED HIM TO TRAVEL SAFELY. YOU DONT WANT TO BE AROUND HIM. THAT'S YOUR CHOICE AND I RESPECT THAT. BUT I AM NO FRAUD AND UNTIL YOU ACCEPT MY DISABILITY AND NEED FOR MY DOG IM AFRAID WE'RE JUST GOING TO GROW FURTHER AND FURTHER APART

SapphireStrange · 20/06/2017 17:58

Barbarian, it's not so much that the 'friend' may be allergic that's the problem; it's her attitude.

OK, so you wouldn't/couldn't have a dog in your house or visit a house that had a dog. But would you expect your friends then to put a message on social media calling you 'the worst friend' ever, accusing you of using your allergy as an excuse, accusing you of exaggerating the extent of your allergies, etc etc?

BerylStreep · 20/06/2017 17:59

Hodge, trust me, I love a good swear word. It can really add emphasis or comedy value. I just personally hate it when female specific swear words are used to denigrate women.

I do think though that Edna is a deeply unpleasant individual.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 20/06/2017 18:02

Thanks @BerylStreep. I totally see you're point. We need to come up with some more less gender-specific ones for smashers like this person.

Rainbunny · 20/06/2017 18:12

OP this "friend" of yours has a personality disorder! It's fine to dislike dogs but to deny that you need your guide dog and accuse you of exaggerating your condition is unforgivable! What the hell is wrong with her? Is she so self obsessed that she thinks it's unfair to her that you insist on having a guide dog? WTAF!

AlternativeTentacle · 20/06/2017 18:13

What I would say is

'The party was for my friends Edna. Friends. That is why you were not invited. Fuckity bye'.

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