'Friend' can't or won't accept my guide dog...

[ReallyRatherMiffed]

Not so much an AIBU but more a how would you respond?

(Long time lurker, first time poster, please bare with me etc!)

Back ground... 16 years ago I was diagnosed with a condition which means I am gradually losing my sight - potential to lose it completely, but the hope is I'll always retain SOME useful vision - obviously at the time I was devastated and really thought that was the end of any meaningful life for me. I didn't & still don't 'look blind' (not sure what blind is supposed to look like, but clearly I don't fit the stereotype that most have!), but was/am blind enough to be registered severely sight impaired & for guide dogs to think I'd benefit from a guide dog.

Eight years ago I was matched with my amazing guide dog, apart from the obvious, he made me realise that meaningful life wasn't at an end, but just a different route to the one I thought I'd be taking!

At the time one of my then closest friends (shall we call her Edna?!) told me that I would not be allowed to take my dog to her house as she doesn't like them, while I was a bit upset I accepted that as it's her home and she gets to decide who & what goes there so said we'd be meeting in public or at my house instead... initially this was fine, but after a couple of years she started to complain that I never made any effort to go to hers. I pointed out that she had an issue with my guide dog going to hers and that was why, she accepted it for a while but then the little digs started up again and it became a real cycle... meeting up for a while, the digs starting, me having to remind her that I'm visually impaired and that he's my guide dog and essentially a mobility aid, he enables me to get from a to b safely etc, her grudgingly accepting it and then the cycle starting again. She's had a child since then and now the reason is her child is scared of dogs (again, that's fair enough, I'm not one of these people that thinks the world and his wife is going to love my dog in the same way I do, but he really IS lovely )

Obviously, this has had an effect on our friendship! It's boring and to be quite honest I find it disrespectful that I had to continuously remind her WHY I no longer spend time at hers (HER choice) and we are no longer the close friends we once were. But we do still occasionally meet up for a catch up meal/drinks, there was no big falling out it was just a gradual parting ways sort of thing. As such I no longer invite her to all the things I would have once invited her to.

On Saturday I had an impromptu get together at mine in the afternoon for a few hours, some old and new friends, some other guide dogs & their owners, friends with kids & mine, a paddling pool, food and just a nice afternoon. Naturally, pictures and posts were made on stage whispers Facebook - and last night....

I got an incredibly ranty message from Edna, calling me the worse friend she's ever had, why hadn't I invited her on Saturday, why did I always use the dog as an excuse not to go to hers, I should just leave him at home, I had and continue to exaggerate the extent of my sight loss, calling me an attention seeking fraud and much more...

It's REALLY upset me! I basically want to message her back and say 'YOU'RE the cunt that decided my taking steps to deal with MY sight loss doesn't fit what YOU want in a friend and that's why we're no longer fucking close!' With a few more swear words added in probably to be honest...

But what I really want is a clear fuck off and fuck you message without actually saying that so the least drama possible can escalate from it...

Suggestions gratefully received! And congrats I feel you made it to the end of this epic first timers post

What a fucking evil bitch your "friend" is.

If we raise enough money for a guide dog to be trained, would we be allowed to name it Ednaisacunt? Her nastiness really needs to be commemorated in some way.

Has this hit classics yet cos it bloody well should !!

i feel for you, having put up with her antics for so long.
i wouldn't have had the patience if i were in your shoes!

to be honest - she doesn't deserve the dignity of a reply.
i'd keep a screenshot of her comments and file it away under 'WTF?!'

Block her on all social media and phones etc.
Just completely cut her out of your life.
It sounds ruthless but i think that's the best thing to do here.

i bet your dog is glad not to have spent time in her company

OP, it's shockinng, and I'm so sorry your 'friend' has been like this. I like particularly like this response, suggested upthread: We're done - it's not me, it's you. Simple and clear.

A friend has retinitis pigmentosa and has been completely blind since she was in her 20s. She is hugely successful (not household name, but famous as anything within her industry). She doesn't have a dog, but that is her choice and has no bearing on whether you choose to have one. (I would, in a flash!)

Sadly, our house is full of cats all of which would be seriously disturbed by having a dog enter their territory. I'm sad that that means that, in real life, we couldn't be friends though., so I would hope to undertake a course of systematic desensitisation to help them get used to your dog. Do you think that might work? How is he with cats?

As soon as I read this I had a feeling you had retinitis pigmentosa, my mum has the same and because she still plays bingo is often accused of "pretending" to be blind when it affects her vision and mobility so severely! Your 'friend' is an idiot! I'm not a huge dog lover but would always welcome a guide dog into my home, it's like telling a wheelchair user to leave it at home!

I like this post from BlackAmericanoNoSugar:

"Dear X. I have a disability and you don't believe that I do. It is clear to me now that my reality and your perception of my reality will always be miles apart, which makes things awkward for me and seems to make you extremely angry (which can't be good for your health). We will both be much more content if we are just acquaintances rather than friends. I wish you the best for the future."

Do as Asmoto suggested but link to your disease. So she might finally understand that people who become blind as in macular degeneration are incapacitated even if with effort they can manage to read/control a computer.

I am very sweary, but I also wish that posters wouldn't use terms such as bitch and cunt as a way to demean people

I agree with Beryl. There are plenty of appropriate insults without using ones that demean the female sex. And anyway, as a dog lover, most of the bitches I meet are delightful! It should never have been an insult in the first place.

Edna's attitude is absolutely gobsmacking. Can't quite compute how a sane person can do this.

I can see why you don't want to be sweary, (though I'm a fan of swearing), don't write anything you wouldn't want made public.

You are so much better of without her.

I'm quite scared of dogs, but funnily enough I've never encountered a scary guide dog.

If you didn't need a guide dog, you wouldn't have one! So of course he goes where you do.

She isn't your friend. Life is too short to spend time and energy on such people. Don't bother with a response, just unfriend her everywhere.

I do love the phrase fuckity-bye, and will be looking for a suitable location in which to drop it tomorrow.

OP, did you call her Edna after the evil TV in Willo the Wisp? All through this thread I've had an image of that cross and hateful little blue face...

Hope you feel better now that you've blocked and ignored.

I know you've said you'll block and ignore but that will still leave the sadness and anger.
Behind her horrible rant, I would guess that she shares your sadness at the decline in the friendship.
She doesn't deserve it but I'd try and keep a door open. One day she might see the light.
The ranty flounce also pushes all the emotion and blame onto you. So I'd also want to push it all back.
I'd respond something like:

"My disability has come between us and that makes me sad. But I can't change it. However much anybody ignores or denies it, it won't go away. I do understand - people find illness and disability uncomfortable. But we were close once, good friends who supported each other. I didn't change that, you did. Ranting at me won't help. It's you who needs to change and to accept. To recover the friendship you've lost."

It's very mature and dignified that you're not going to reply. I couldn't do it.

It's like those twats who think you can get a blue badge by coughing a bit at the doctor's. Utter twats.

I wouldn't reply because I think that'd annoy her even more

A former editor of mine taught me a wonderful all-purpose fuck-off reply email that I have found very useful over the years.

Dear X,

Thank you for your message. It has been noted, and filed accordingly.

Best regards,
Y

I like all the sweary public responses (preferably incorporating fuckity-bye) but do admire your restraint in taking the higher moral ground. I just hope she feels completely ashamed of herself now but I suspect she's oblivious.
On the questioning of your level of sight impairment, I occasionally encounter that with my son (congenital visual impairment) but in most cases it's genuine puzzlement as he copes so well with it (he's never known any other level of vision, having been born with the condition he has) so people wonder whether he sees a lot better than his diagnosis would suggest. I've yet to encounter any genuinely hostile reaction with the exception of one mother that took umbrage at the fact that - due to his disability - my son will be prioritised in the allocation of school places above her little darlings when it comes time for them to attend school. I pointed out that it was no great consolation for the challenges that a life with VI will present - her face was like thunder. Silly twat.

OP Your 'friend' clearly has issues. In the subject of hippo poo:

m.youtube.com/watch?v=MyZwDcLGknU

Dear Edna
Firstly, I would like to thank you for your unending patience, empathy and acceptance of my degenerating health condition. Your judge-free support has been greatly appreciated.
Secondly, I would like to apologise for my selfishness in not considering your carpet or your children's fears and anxieties when choosing interactive, live and responsive support equipment to replace the work previously carried out by my eyes. I now see that a white stick would have been far more appropriate and welcomed by you and your family.

Lastly, my selfishness knows no bounds when I deliberately excluded you and your family from my recent gathering. With a garden full of similarly affected people and their guide dogs, I truly believed that the close proximity of so many disabled people (and dogs) would have left you mentally and emotionally exhausted. I only had your interests and well-being in mind.

Having a friend with degenerating eyesight really isn't much fun for you. I am truly saddened that my illness has caused you such angst and understand completely that you have chosen to cease contact with me, albeit in a quite spectacularly vile and emotional outburst. I will honour your decision and delete you with immediate effect from my social media and phone contacts list. Despite the overwhelming urge to tell you where to stick your so called friendship, I will now bow out with dignity - a word you really should look up in the dictionary.
With kindest regards

Barbarian & others with severe dog allergies - one day you may be in a situation where you have a friend/acquaintance with a guide dog, or encounter a guide dog at work, or other public situation. Guide dog owners understand this and will have encountered it before - I certainly have. What makes a big difference is if you are willing to accommodate us in another way. (If you're encountering a guide dog as part of your job, it may even be a legal requirement for you to do so).

For example, I am happy to leave my dog behind when I go out with my allergic friend. She, in turn, is happy to come and pick me up/drop me off, and guide me around in between. If she just expected me to come without my dog, then obviously meeting up would be impossible for me.

Re: taxi drivers. There is a massive problem with taxi refusals. Genuinely allergic drivers can get a special medical exemption certificate. Currently only 3 drivers in the whole of the UK have one of these. Yet three-quarters of guide dog owners have been refused at least once, often many times. Taxis are pretty important to VI people since we can't drive and find public transport challenging (often impossible if going somewhere that's not a regular route). The refusals are sometimes accompanied by hostility or hurtful abuse (this has happened to me) which adds to the stress of getting about. It all takes an emotional toll and increases the feeling of isolation/exclusion from everyday life.

OP I'm sorry your friend is such an insensitive idiot. My dad is blind, though doesn't have a guide dog (through choice), and I feel extremely angry on your behalf.

I have to agree with the posters taking exception to some of the language being used against "Edna". I think J K Rowling summed it up best in her response to a man who called Theresa May a "whore" on Twitter:

"Femaleness is not a design flaw. If your immediate response to a woman who displeases you is to call her a synonym for her vulva, or compare her to a prostitute, then drop the pretence and own it - you’re not a liberal.

You’re a few short steps away from some guy hiding behind a cartoon frog."

By all means call someone out on their behaviour, but let's not by default demean ourselves in the process.

Madwoman5

send that! send that!

Oh i so hope you sent that

Madwoman5 - you reply is perfect!

Please send that OP!

Love it Madwoman5!